Better Pwn a Columnist: Yeah, Still Fighting It

I know it’s been a while since I’ve mocked professional blowhard John Dudley. If you remember my classic post that started my public hatred of the man, he ripped Bob Sanders to shreds for no real reason. I’ve stayed away from Duds because HE WROTE A GLOWING ARTICLE ABOUT SANDERS. I refuse to link to it. Basically, Jo-Du was pissed because Sanders wouldn’t grant an interview, and then changed back to loving him when he did. That’s not Journalism, that’s 17-year-old-girl-that-thinks-she’s-better-than-everyone-and-will-end-up-fat-and-pregnant-in-two-years-type crap. So, that’s out of the way. I found another of his “Thoughts, deep and shallow…” articles, which usually means he doesn’t have enough *ahem* “material” to turn anything into a full fledged “article”. This is no exception. So, in honor of my pending return to Erie, here we go. (As always- Duds in bold, me in not-bold)

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Popularity: 5% [?]

Tags: Erie Pa, Fun with FJM, John Dudley, Pwnage
Category FJM, Recent |

You Always Were The Perfect Fan

“Hence, it’s easier for original fans to dump on newer fans than to tolerate them and hope they advance the cause of whatever they like. I notice this every time I mention the UFC or poker — there’s this bizarre (and totally dismissive) backlash, as if I’m not allowed to watch those sports or even mention them because I’m not a real fan. Well, how do you become a real fan? By liking a sport without disliking the core people who like it. So it’s a self-perpetuating cycle, and as weird as this sounds, the original fans like it that way. It maintains their ownership of the product. When the product outgrows them (specifically in the case of a creative entity), that’s when the core fans start throwing around phrases like “jumped the shark” and “sold out,” mostly because they’re bitter it’s not just them and the product any more.”

-Bill Simmons, July 22^nd mailbag.

For all the Simmons bashing that goes on the Internet, here he actually hits on something that is probably bigger than he makes it sound. He called it something stupid (“The Cult of Status Quo”), but the real fan argument is one of my least favorite things in the sporting world. It invades bar arguments, destroys internet forums, and is among the things that makes Yahoo! comments unreadable. The entire idea is knuckle-draggingly stupid- but not because people get bitter and cry sell-out (Shockingly, there’s a difference between sports debate and debate over Simmons’ career). It’s stupid because there’s no good definition of a what true fan is, or should be.

For reference, let’s look at a few hypothetical fans.

Fan #1 is a nearly lifelong fan. The team was good in this fan’s youth, so fandom probably started as a bandwagon thing (kids do that stuff). The quality of the team diminished, but the fan remained, attended games whenever possible. Now the fan still follows closely, and is a decently active member of blogs devoted to the team…which mainly act as a support group. Also, owns multiple jerseys from different eras. Watches only some of the team’s games, but living out of market (and the crappiness of internet feeds) is the main reason for that.

Fan #2 (more…)

Popularity: 2% [?]

Tags: Bill Simmons, Fandom, Idiots, Puck Bunnies!, SHOOT, Unnecessary Backstreet Boys
Category Recent, Uncategorized |

Lebron. Seriously. Lebron.

June 14, 1998

I only know the date because I looked it up, but what it signifies is more important. That night, Michael Jordan hit his last shot as a Chicago Bull, and the NBA would never be the same.

Look where we are now. Ask yourself how you can be an NBA fan at this point. Lebron, who had been generally a good guy until the last few weeks, went heel. Kobe’s always going to be Kobe. Kevin Durant is a decent guy, but plays for the team that ripped out Seattle’s heart. The entire GM, ownership and coaching structure has been proven irrelevant in personnel decisions. This has ceased to be something the fans remotely matter in, they just happen to pay the bills.

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Popularity: 7% [?]

Tags: Cleveland Cavaliers, LeBron, Miami Heat, NBA, Seriousness, Venting, When's the EPL start?, Zombie Sonics
Category Am I Wrong?, In All Seriousness, Venting |

From the Desk of the Beck U. Athletic Director

Alright gang. Perhaps you’ve heard- I’ve started a university. And I have news- we’re playing a full slate of football games this fall. I had a few simple rules for setting up the schedule.

-Don’t schedule Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard or Notre Dame. It’s unamerican.

-Don’t schedule dates or times. We’ll take them any time, any place.

-Don’t bother with rankings. We’re number one in the BCS. Beck Championship SUCKIT.

So, without further ado, the schedule for the Beck University Fightin’ Becksters. (more…)

Popularity: 4% [?]

Tags: Absurdly esoteric humor, Beck University, fun with embedded references, I loved Coney, Kangaroo raper, Ol' Becky, Parody
Category Better while Intoxicated, Satire |

Another Ignorant American Soccer Post

We live in an era of absolute hyperbole. Nowhere is that more evident than the skipping record of articles that are written every four years about the World Cup. Either this is the year that America embraces soccer or we’ll never love a game that is so BORING and COMMUNIST. Most rational people (there’s about seven in the world, last I checked, and four of them are making Beerswear in Calcutta) know that reality is somewhere in the middle. Judging the reaction of friends/coworkers to the World Cup, it seems like more than mere jingoism. There are people that are becoming soccer fans, between these games and the Champions League final. I think that soccer can, in fact, catch on in the states. And that’s not necessarily a good thing.

Obligatory vuvuzela reference

Soccer is a tricky game to understand for most Americans. The strategies and assignments on offense and defense are reminiscent of hockey (another sport that’s not real cozy with the average American), while the theatrics are purely European (in the most negative stereotypical way possible). A 0-0 game can be a moral victory- in fact, ties are a common occurence. (more…)

Popularity: 6% [?]

Tags: Commie pinko bastard, HAMBONE, Soccer, Unnecessary POD, World Cup
Category In All Seriousness |

BeckCenter

With the popularity of strong opinions in sports coverage, Rupert Murdoch decided to roll the dice with a new show, combining his shining star from one network with the sports resources of another. This is a rush transcript from the first show.

NOW WITH SPORTS!

Welcome- Welcome!- to the show. We’ve got a lot to cover here, a lot going on, and not a lot of balanced coverage from the so-called “leaders” of the sport news landscape. The big story on the docket today, college football. The University of Southern Californ-eye-ay got absolutely levelled in punishments doled out by the NCAA. Or did they? See, I’ve done the research and this is something, something you’re just not going to see on the other networks. Alabama was the last school to get a penalty like this, in 2002. And obviously, that devastated their prog- OH WAAAAAIT! They just won a national title! Clearly, the system works! I’m a fan of Notre Dame- maybe we should just commit a few violations, and within a few years, WHAMMO! The glory is restored! Shine up the dome, boys, we’re dancing an Irish jig under Touchdown Jesus! All it takes is some well-placed, well-compensated players and they might as well give us the crystal trophy. The person who really, I think, gets an unfair shake here is Lane Kiffin. This man has never been appreciated, no matter where he’s been, and has just shown up to work and crawled up the ladder to get his dream job. Now he finally gets there, and he has to deal with penalties that he had nothing to do with? Tell you what I do here- I tell Pete Carroll, I tell him right to his face, “Hey Pete- you lose 15 million from your salary cap this year. Suck on that big guy.” The Seahawks won’t be able to compete now, will they? I don’t have the numbers in front of me, but 15 million is a big chunk of the salary cap in any year, I know that much. I also know that Lane has done nothing wrong, and to punish him is downright unamerican. (more…)

Popularity: 2% [?]

Tags: Experimental posts, I didn't even make him cry, If anything Goodell might be bicurious, Ol' Becky
Category Satire |

Why I Hate Your “Why I Hate The NY/NJ Super Bowl” Article

We're here! We're getting a Super Bowl! Get used to it!

I know what you were trying to do here. The fans kinda liked the idea. The game might see snow, and in spite of everything you’ve ever said, fans still love watching cold games. It’s actually a change of pace for a game that was starting to feel like a…well, a bowl game. So you went the other way. You said to yourself, “Self, the best way to rack up pageviews is to be a contrarian prick!” and ran with it. The shame of the matter is that only 80,000 other people took the same exact view as you. So, now, you are SO going DOWN.

The obvious quibble has been with the weather. However will our delicate little flowers handle a snowstorm in a championship game, pray tell? I’ve seen more than one article claim that weather shouldn’t be allowed to decide the game (because the conditions aren’t the same for both teams, eliminating it from being a variable and/or deciding anything). And I agree- why would we allow any conditions from the championship game to differ from any other game? It’s not like there are more frequent commercial breaks. Or an extended halftime. Or a two week lead up to the game. On top of that, there’s never been an interesting game played below 45 degrees. That’s just a fact. Never mind the fact that NYC averages 28.1” of snowfall a year and a high of 41 in February- this game will clearly be played in a winter wonderland. After all, they did have a blizzard this year, and because it happened once, it means it will happen every year from here on out until Barack Obama is out of office, tarred, feathered, and fed to a baby eagle. (more…)

Popularity: 3% [?]

Tags: crazy people with TV shows, Get it?, Restraint used to avoid a Jersey Shore reference, Super Bowl
Category Satire |

Episode 1: The Pilot

Sidney Crosby: (groans) Whaa-

(walks to nearby beach)

Lane Kiffin: Have you seen my husband? I lost him in the-

Voice: Kiffy!

Pete Carroll: Where you been, doll? I’ve been running around this here place looking for potential players and a steady dose of Red Bull. I ain’t found shelter yet but YE-AHHHH I made me some waterskis and an parachute out of some stuff from the forest so I’m goin’ wakeboarding! Paddle that canoe around for me, wouldya? What about you, big stuff- wanna propel that boat so I can get my hourly dose of XTREME in?

Brian Cushing: Just one question, Coach…Where are we?

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Popularity: 4% [?]

Tags: Better late than never, Lost, Parody, Storytime, Tune in next time..., Way too many pictures
Category Better while Intoxicated, Entertainment |

Getting to Know a Gally Blog Contributor: K-Gun

I’m K-Gun. Just about everything about me can be described by this picture.

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Popularity: 5% [?]

Tags: I'm also an excellent lover, Or not, Posts no one will read
Category Introductions |

So…Why Do Athletes Rape Stuff?

In recent weeks, there have been two particularly high-profile cases of alleged rape, between LT and Big Ben. Now, if you’re like me, the big question is why, exactly, pro athletes would want/need/choose to rape anyone. The entire concept seems to make no sense whatsoever- like Bill Gates robbing a bank at gunpoint. My intent here is not to excuse what they did (or didn’t, depending on the story you believe) do, but rather to explain why it could possibly (and does) happen. And there is a difference.

Based on my experience in college, there were two universal truths about the athletes there. One was that there was a near endless supply of people that wanted to sleep with them (this was not gender specific, by the way. The women’s volleyball team could have had any guy in the place at the drop of a hat). The second was that there was a rape charge against an athlete about once a year. How could people that have that much available to them go after what they can’t (or shouldn’t, I suppose) have?

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Popularity: 4% [?]

Tags: /rape joke, Therapists, This oughta fly like a lead ballon on Jupiter
Category In All Seriousness |