Bullet Points: NO NOT THAT CRAP AGAIN edition

You Needed A Reminder to be thankful that you aren’t a Bills fan. In the last few weeks, they’ve benched the starting QB- who was a team captain, then cut that QB/captain, and traded a former first round pick/Pro-Bowler for a third round and a conditional pick. Oh, and lost every football game they’ve played, while being outscored by a league-worst 64 points.

For What It’s Worth the second worst point differential belongs to the 2-2 Arizona Cardinals, who are tied for first in their division.

This Week In Holy-Crap-The-Big-East-Is-Garbage, the entire conference got 84 votes in the AP poll. All of those votes were for West Virginia, who is unranked. Yet people are still mocking Boise St. for playing a terrible conference schedule.

If You Didn’t Know (more…)

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Tags: NCAAF, NFL, Ruminations, Things I Think
Category Recent |

Bills Fandom: You Aren’t Jealous

“We want to get things turned around, but at the same time it’s football teams with grown men laughing at other grown men on the football field. That happened to us in the ball game last week and it happens every time we play New England.”

-Donte Whitner, Bills SS

That quote appeared under the headline “Donte Whitner tired of Bills being laughingstocks” on PFT yesterday. The Bills have been outscored by 32 points in two games, both of which they’ve lost. They haven’t made the playoffs since the Music City Forward Lateral. I’ve been a Bills fan as long as I can possibly remember- Norwood’s kick might be my earliest sports related memory- and I like to think that I’m more rational than most.

Now that that’s out of the way, YOU’RE tired of it Donte? You are? Really? You just play for the damn team and cash paycheck equivalent to my annual salary every week. Being a Bills fan is like being punched in the groin without the promise that the fist will eventually remove itself from you. We draft a RB- a position at which we had two decent starters- with the number 9 pick, name him the starter week 1…and put him third on the depth chart by week 2. Nevermind that the pick was sold to the fan base as “he’s a playmaker” and with an implication of “we have a plan for him”, clearly, no one knew what in the world they were doing. So rather than draft any OL, a real #2 reciever, a QB, DL, LBs or ANYONE AT A POSITION OF REMOTE NEED, we draft a “playmaker” at #9 who had ONE touch last week. One. Uno. Un.

And while we’re on wasted draft picks, Donte, how about we cover you? You were the 8th pick in the draft four years ago. In those four years, as a safety, you have amassed five fewer interceptions than Jarius Byrd has in his career. Jarius, by the way, was a second round pick LAST FREAKING YEAR. And he missed the last two games of the season. If there was an embodiment as to why this team is a laughingstock, you would be at the top of the list, if only because the others on that list aren’t on the team- or any team, for that matter.

It’s not just when the Bills play New England either. I knew the Bills were a joke when people stopped making fun of me for being a fan. People treat me like my puppy just got run over. “Oh, you’re a Bills fan?…oh, dear, honey, come inside and I’ll make you some cocoa. Do you like Spongebob? I’ll put on Spongebob…” At least the Lions have some excitement- they actually let their rookie running back loose, for better or for worse. Are they 0-2? Absolutely. Would I rather be a Lions fan? As much as I’d rather be paid to write. There’s a glimmer of hope for Lions fans. They have a QB, RB and WR of the future. They have a DT that may actually kill a man on the field just to watch him die. They have players that I would like to watch and that will probably be good someday. The Bills have a Mediocrity Day Parade at QB, where it doesn’t matter where the carousel lands, because the difference between the guy Madden rates at a 75 isn’t much better than the guy rated a 73. And if it’s that close, maybe the preseason should have been a QB competition instead of a coronation for Trent Edwards, who is shockingly not Jim Kelly (for this revelation, I should obviously be in the scouting department). I’m sure Fitzpatrick is the answer though. Until they yank him for Brohm in two weeks. And then back to Edwards. Meanwhile, the Bills will be 0-8 and more unwatchable than normal.

Chan Gailey will play conservative because he thinks its the best way to keep the game close, and he’s right to a point. But 0-16 with a few losses by single-digits is not a moral victory. I would rather the team go 1-15 by playing balls-to-the-wall football like cocaine-ravaged chipmunks and losing the 15 games by an average of 53 points…just to win that one game. There is not the talent on that roster to play not to lose. Hell, grab Herm Edwards and just have him scream “YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME” all game long. Don’t even call plays. It’s not like you can be much worse.

People ask me how I can still root for this team. The owner says he cares, but is too set in his ways to change now. The team sucks to a degree that Hoover won’t sponsor them (they don’t want to look bad in comparison). The stadium is closer in age to my father than it is to me. The best thing I can say about it is that there’s no bandwagon fans left- it’s a very pure fanbase (think of it as the polar opposite of Red Sox/Steeler Nations). I’ll never stop loving the Buffalo Bills. But at some point, you wonder if they’ll ever figure out how to circle the wagons.

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Tags: Buffalo Bills, Dying Alive, Grr anger, My Poor Groin, NFL, Unnecessary Caps
Category Am I Wrong?, In All Seriousness, National Football League, NFL, Recent |

Bullet Points: Rebirth

I’m repurposing the old Bullet Points thing to be in the vein of Peter King’s Things I Think I Think or Orson Swindle Spencer Hall’s Alphabetical. You know, except not as annoying as the former and not as awesome as the latter.

The Saints Aren’t The Greatest Show On Turf but I wouldn’t say that’s a bad thing. The offense is still weapon-laden, but against the Vikes and Niners, they’ve been only effective. As long as they have a defense to match (and an entire city of Dr. Facilier-types), I wouldn’t worry. Except for fantasy owners of Drew Brees. Such as myself. So it goes. I just know that I’m done picking them to beat a spread any time soon.

Thank The Deity Of Your Choice I Can’t Watch The Bills Here because we’re going to go with a QB change in Week 3. I’m sorry- Joe Montana would be ineffective without an O-line, a number 2 reciever, a set starter at RB, and continuity in the coaching ranks. I don’t disagree that Trent Edwards is, in fact, not a good starting QB. But Ryan Fitzpatrick isn’t either. And a lot of the problems with the team have been largely due to odd playcalling (Uh, that guy you drafted #9 overall? You might want to play him. You even named him the starter.) not directly to QB play. This is a cosmetic change at best- and if you’re in a suicide pool, take the Pats this week. If you’re a betting man/lady/manlady, take the Pats regardless of the line and just give me 5% so I can buy enough whiskey to get through another miserable Bills season.

It's what's for dinner. And breakfast. And hell, everything else.

How Are The ACC And Big East Still AQ Conferences in the BCS? They have a combined two (TWO!) teams in the AP Top 25. Granted, it’s early- and I don’t doubt that Bill Stewart will pull a bowl win out of his kiester and look like he’s in an old Keystone Light ad in the process- but it’s ridiculous that a four-loss Pitt team could go to a better bowl than a one or two loss Utah. And while we’re here- would we dock Da U for playing in the ACC if they had gone undefeated this season? I don’t think so, which is why it’s a crime that Boise State stands no chance of getting in the title game.

That Said, The BCS Title Game Would Be The Worst possible outcome for Boise. This seems to be a stupidly top-heavy year in the NCAA- basically Alabama, then tOSU………..then Boise. The first two are just playing much better football than anyone else. If one of them falters in league play and everything holds, we have a title game of Boise vs. tOSU/Alabama. If the disparity is what it seems like, then Boise gets run over and suddenly the cause of mid-majors gets set back another 10 years. This isn’t the best team Boise has had, and it would be a shame to let it get the showcase now if it went predictably.

Scratch That- getting stuck with TCU for another year would be the worst possible outcome.

Word Is That Ohio University’s Mascot Planned His Attack on Brutus the Buckeye. About damn time someone snapped- I mean, they chant O-H! I-O!…and never add the State. If Penn State chanted Pennsylvania (and we don’t, for obvious length reasons), UPenn grads would….well, do whatever Ivy people do when they’re upset. Write theses or something. Point being, this was a long time coming, and we’re just lucky he didn’t beat the guy dotting the script Ohio with a cricket bat.

The Week’s Sign That The Coaches Poll Is Useless comes from a first place vote given to Nebraska. They beat the Washington Fighting Jake Locker Upsides. Did second place go to Michigan State because they beat Notre Dame (and they’re always good!)? Why this poll continues to exist is a complete mystery to myself and anyone capable of thought on any level.

I’m Deeply Bothered By Mark Dantonio calling his fake field goal “Little Giants”. The trick play in that movie was a Fumblerooski, sir, and no post-game heart attack will change that. If they run a fake punt called “Air Bud: Golden Reciever”, I’ll burn down East Lansing. Which might be an improvement BAZINGA

Downtown East Lansing

Things That Say Everything About The Situation Department: I make sure I’m awake for College Gameday on Saturday, and can recite a Tom Rinaldi tinkly piano piece off the top of my head. I intentionally sleep until at LEAST noon on Sundays, and watch infomercials until the games start.

On That Note Mr. T is in a goddamn infomercial for the FlavorWave Oven. My quality of life just went up 900%.

I LOVE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW

Speaking Of Hair And Things That Have It this might be my favorite idea for a fantasy game ever. If I can start betting on this stuff, I’m going to be broke yesterday.

The Stadium Was Half-Empty And I Wasn’t Watching The WNBA at Camden Yards last week. I was really impressed by the place, it’s a shame the team is rather craptastic. I feel like Camden and PNC Park should be given the Sox and Yankees for a year just so they can feel what it’s like to have winning there. It’s rather amazing that a stadium that old is still that nice.

This Has Nothing To Do With Allegations but the fact that Shannon Sharpe still has a job is a crime against enunciation. I don’t care what he did or didn’t harass- he makes listening to Michael Strahan seem tolerable.

I’m Increasingly Convinced That An Average Madden Player Could Coach an average football team. Things like Joe Flacco’s regression are less to do with the player himself and more to do with the playcalling. The Ravens were a team built on the run with Rice, MaGahee, and McClain. Now they’ve got toys, but forgot their identity. It’s not a problem specific to them- I remember the Steelers doing the same thing in Year 2 of the Tommy Maddox era. It might be happening to Sanchez in New York too- coaches forget that their QB’s were effective game managers, not Peyton Manning 2.0.

If I’m The Eagles and thankfully, I’m not- my soul remains intact- I fire Andy Reid, hire Urban Meyer and just have Vick run the spread. Seriously- with Vick, Shady McCoy, Jackson, Maclin, a sprinkling of Riley Cooper, and the occasional Runaway Beer Truck Owen Schmitt…it’s horrifying. I could root for that team. Except, you know, for the whole spelling the name thing. And that song. FLYYY EAGLES FLYYY ON THE ROAD TO GOD KILL ME

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Tags: Buffalo Bills, Football, Footbaw, Hair, Mr. T, Who doesn't love a beer truck?
Category Bullet Points, College Football, National Football League, NFL, Recent |

Better Pwn a Columnist: Yeah, Still Fighting It

I know it’s been a while since I’ve mocked professional blowhard John Dudley. If you remember my classic post that started my public hatred of the man, he ripped Bob Sanders to shreds for no real reason. I’ve stayed away from Duds because HE WROTE A GLOWING ARTICLE ABOUT SANDERS. I refuse to link to it. Basically, Jo-Du was pissed because Sanders wouldn’t grant an interview, and then changed back to loving him when he did. That’s not Journalism, that’s 17-year-old-girl-that-thinks-she’s-better-than-everyone-and-will-end-up-fat-and-pregnant-in-two-years-type crap. So, that’s out of the way. I found another of his “Thoughts, deep and shallow…” articles, which usually means he doesn’t have enough *ahem* “material” to turn anything into a full fledged “article”. This is no exception. So, in honor of my pending return to Erie, here we go. (As always- Duds in bold, me in not-bold)

(more…)

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Tags: Erie Pa, Fun with FJM, John Dudley, Pwnage
Category FJM, Recent |

You Always Were The Perfect Fan

“Hence, it’s easier for original fans to dump on newer fans than to tolerate them and hope they advance the cause of whatever they like. I notice this every time I mention the UFC or poker — there’s this bizarre (and totally dismissive) backlash, as if I’m not allowed to watch those sports or even mention them because I’m not a real fan. Well, how do you become a real fan? By liking a sport without disliking the core people who like it. So it’s a self-perpetuating cycle, and as weird as this sounds, the original fans like it that way. It maintains their ownership of the product. When the product outgrows them (specifically in the case of a creative entity), that’s when the core fans start throwing around phrases like “jumped the shark” and “sold out,” mostly because they’re bitter it’s not just them and the product any more.”

-Bill Simmons, July 22^nd mailbag.

For all the Simmons bashing that goes on the Internet, here he actually hits on something that is probably bigger than he makes it sound. He called it something stupid (“The Cult of Status Quo”), but the real fan argument is one of my least favorite things in the sporting world. It invades bar arguments, destroys internet forums, and is among the things that makes Yahoo! comments unreadable. The entire idea is knuckle-draggingly stupid- but not because people get bitter and cry sell-out (Shockingly, there’s a difference between sports debate and debate over Simmons’ career). It’s stupid because there’s no good definition of a what true fan is, or should be.

For reference, let’s look at a few hypothetical fans.

Fan #1 is a nearly lifelong fan. The team was good in this fan’s youth, so fandom probably started as a bandwagon thing (kids do that stuff). The quality of the team diminished, but the fan remained, attended games whenever possible. Now the fan still follows closely, and is a decently active member of blogs devoted to the team…which mainly act as a support group. Also, owns multiple jerseys from different eras. Watches only some of the team’s games, but living out of market (and the crappiness of internet feeds) is the main reason for that.

Fan #2 (more…)

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Tags: Bill Simmons, Fandom, Idiots, Puck Bunnies!, SHOOT, Unnecessary Backstreet Boys
Category Recent, Uncategorized |

Lebron. Seriously. Lebron.

June 14, 1998

I only know the date because I looked it up, but what it signifies is more important. That night, Michael Jordan hit his last shot as a Chicago Bull, and the NBA would never be the same.

Look where we are now. Ask yourself how you can be an NBA fan at this point. Lebron, who had been generally a good guy until the last few weeks, went heel. Kobe’s always going to be Kobe. Kevin Durant is a decent guy, but plays for the team that ripped out Seattle’s heart. The entire GM, ownership and coaching structure has been proven irrelevant in personnel decisions. This has ceased to be something the fans remotely matter in, they just happen to pay the bills.

(more…)

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Tags: Cleveland Cavaliers, LeBron, Miami Heat, NBA, Seriousness, Venting, When's the EPL start?, Zombie Sonics
Category Am I Wrong?, In All Seriousness, Venting |

From the Desk of the Beck U. Athletic Director

Alright gang. Perhaps you’ve heard- I’ve started a university. And I have news- we’re playing a full slate of football games this fall. I had a few simple rules for setting up the schedule.

-Don’t schedule Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard or Notre Dame. It’s unamerican.

-Don’t schedule dates or times. We’ll take them any time, any place.

-Don’t bother with rankings. We’re number one in the BCS. Beck Championship SUCKIT.

So, without further ado, the schedule for the Beck University Fightin’ Becksters. (more…)

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Tags: Absurdly esoteric humor, Beck University, fun with embedded references, I loved Coney, Kangaroo raper, Ol' Becky, Parody
Category Better while Intoxicated, Satire |

Another Ignorant American Soccer Post

We live in an era of absolute hyperbole. Nowhere is that more evident than the skipping record of articles that are written every four years about the World Cup. Either this is the year that America embraces soccer or we’ll never love a game that is so BORING and COMMUNIST. Most rational people (there’s about seven in the world, last I checked, and four of them are making Beerswear in Calcutta) know that reality is somewhere in the middle. Judging the reaction of friends/coworkers to the World Cup, it seems like more than mere jingoism. There are people that are becoming soccer fans, between these games and the Champions League final. I think that soccer can, in fact, catch on in the states. And that’s not necessarily a good thing.

Obligatory vuvuzela reference

Soccer is a tricky game to understand for most Americans. The strategies and assignments on offense and defense are reminiscent of hockey (another sport that’s not real cozy with the average American), while the theatrics are purely European (in the most negative stereotypical way possible). A 0-0 game can be a moral victory- in fact, ties are a common occurence. (more…)

Popularity: 4% [?]

Tags: Commie pinko bastard, HAMBONE, Soccer, Unnecessary POD, World Cup
Category In All Seriousness |

BeckCenter

With the popularity of strong opinions in sports coverage, Rupert Murdoch decided to roll the dice with a new show, combining his shining star from one network with the sports resources of another. This is a rush transcript from the first show.

NOW WITH SPORTS!

Welcome- Welcome!- to the show. We’ve got a lot to cover here, a lot going on, and not a lot of balanced coverage from the so-called “leaders” of the sport news landscape. The big story on the docket today, college football. The University of Southern Californ-eye-ay got absolutely levelled in punishments doled out by the NCAA. Or did they? See, I’ve done the research and this is something, something you’re just not going to see on the other networks. Alabama was the last school to get a penalty like this, in 2002. And obviously, that devastated their prog- OH WAAAAAIT! They just won a national title! Clearly, the system works! I’m a fan of Notre Dame- maybe we should just commit a few violations, and within a few years, WHAMMO! The glory is restored! Shine up the dome, boys, we’re dancing an Irish jig under Touchdown Jesus! All it takes is some well-placed, well-compensated players and they might as well give us the crystal trophy. The person who really, I think, gets an unfair shake here is Lane Kiffin. This man has never been appreciated, no matter where he’s been, and has just shown up to work and crawled up the ladder to get his dream job. Now he finally gets there, and he has to deal with penalties that he had nothing to do with? Tell you what I do here- I tell Pete Carroll, I tell him right to his face, “Hey Pete- you lose 15 million from your salary cap this year. Suck on that big guy.” The Seahawks won’t be able to compete now, will they? I don’t have the numbers in front of me, but 15 million is a big chunk of the salary cap in any year, I know that much. I also know that Lane has done nothing wrong, and to punish him is downright unamerican. (more…)

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Tags: Experimental posts, I didn't even make him cry, If anything Goodell might be bicurious, Ol' Becky
Category Satire |

Why I Hate Your “Why I Hate The NY/NJ Super Bowl” Article

We're here! We're getting a Super Bowl! Get used to it!

I know what you were trying to do here. The fans kinda liked the idea. The game might see snow, and in spite of everything you’ve ever said, fans still love watching cold games. It’s actually a change of pace for a game that was starting to feel like a…well, a bowl game. So you went the other way. You said to yourself, “Self, the best way to rack up pageviews is to be a contrarian prick!” and ran with it. The shame of the matter is that only 80,000 other people took the same exact view as you. So, now, you are SO going DOWN.

The obvious quibble has been with the weather. However will our delicate little flowers handle a snowstorm in a championship game, pray tell? I’ve seen more than one article claim that weather shouldn’t be allowed to decide the game (because the conditions aren’t the same for both teams, eliminating it from being a variable and/or deciding anything). And I agree- why would we allow any conditions from the championship game to differ from any other game? It’s not like there are more frequent commercial breaks. Or an extended halftime. Or a two week lead up to the game. On top of that, there’s never been an interesting game played below 45 degrees. That’s just a fact. Never mind the fact that NYC averages 28.1” of snowfall a year and a high of 41 in February- this game will clearly be played in a winter wonderland. After all, they did have a blizzard this year, and because it happened once, it means it will happen every year from here on out until Barack Obama is out of office, tarred, feathered, and fed to a baby eagle. (more…)

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Tags: crazy people with TV shows, Get it?, Restraint used to avoid a Jersey Shore reference, Super Bowl
Category Satire |