I don’t have what most people consider the necessary “experience” or “credentials” required to post a legit preview of the AFC East. However, what I lack in football knowledge I make up for with my ability to consume vast amounts of alcohol. Something my AA sponsor can attest to. Realistically this post is a drinking game disguised as an AFC East Preview, which is statistically proven to be better than any predictions or fantasy tips that I could possibly give. So sit back, relax, and get your beer/liquor/shots of choice ready for some 2009 AFC East football.
Note: Drinks are stated as whatever a standard sip is to you. Personal preference varies and can mean a two second gulp to some or shot gunning an entire beer to others. If it says take a shot, it’s referring to a shot of heavy alcohol, ie liquor, but I recommend doing so sparingly. Oh yeah, one more thing. We here at the Gally Blog are not responsible for any harm suffered as a result of actually playing the drinking game suggestions in this post. Seriously, pace yourselves…You lightweights!
Miami Dolphins
The defending champs. Woohoo! Sarcasm Even though I am geographically located down in the penis shaped peninsula of the US of A it’s hard for me to get behind them, mainly because I’m so sick and tired of them running that damned Wildcat formation. Sure it’s effective sometimes, but even when it’s not they will continue to run it until I am out of things to throw at my T.V. From here on out I only want to hear the phrase “wildcat” mentioned when it’s in reference to some sexy cougar who is eye fucking the hell out of me as she sips her peach mango martini from across the bar.
Now that’s a Wildcat I can get behind…
Drinking game to be played while watching the Dolphins:
As a rule of thumb anytime the Wildcat is run or even spoken by any announcer take a drink. This will more than likely occur at an astronomical rate during the course of a game so be sparingly with your drinks. That is unless you have a steel clad liver, or access to a fresh IV the next morning, which is rumored to be the best way to overcome a hangover.
In the case you make it through an entire quarter without the Wildcat being ran, just finish whatever drink you have in your hand.
Since reporters and news media personalities keep referring to Chad Pennington as a short term solution at quarterback have a drink every time Chad Henne is mentioned as being the future at quarterback.
Any mention of Bill Parcells should result in a drink. Drink two if Parcells is mentioned in relation to his turning the team around after their 1-15 season.
Have a drink anytime the Dolphins march their way down field only to kick a field goal, throw an interception, or come away without any points at all. Drink 2 if you consider yourself to be a Dolphins’ fan. Drink 3 if all the above occurs and you own a Dan Marino jersey. Seriously fuck that guy. Way to never win a Super Bowl during your tenure here…Dick.
The above video comes from Break.com and demonstrates the art known as parkour. I couldn’t tell you much about it. Sure I could Google it, but that takes time and effort. I’m also not 100% sure on what the actually translation of the word “parkour” is, if it even translates to English. But based on all the videos I’ve seen it’s probably French for “the art of face planting off of a wall.” I’m not sure exactly because my French is somewhere on the rusty to non-existent side.
What I do know is that one man’s pain is another man’s sick enjoyment. The second guy should have probably paid closer attention to the first guy’s form and technique. Or he probably shouldn’t have been flipping off of a wall that wasn’t that stable.
My suggestion to all the parkour entusiasts is leave the flipping to the trained professionals. Like gymnastists, divers, and x-treme riders…Oh yeah and strippers. Because there is nothing sexier than a forward flip on to a stripper poll. That’s easily the fastest way to make an extra 5 bucks and create a memory that will last me a lifetime. Wait, how’d my pants get unzipped?
Based on my experience acting like a big and tough douche doesn’t always translate to actual fighting ability. Which is further evident by the above fight video involving Saints’ tight end Jeremy Shockey and Texans’ linebacker DeMarco Ryan. Shockey was either emotionally imbalanced after learning of Plaxico’s prison sentence or he felt that Ryan was getting a little too handsy.
Sure Ryan’s hands were a little suspect, but the fight was perpetuated by Shockey trying to show off that U (of Miami) swagger that you always hear so much about. Regardless, Ryan wasn’t having none of it as he shoved Shockey and then promptly reversed Shockey’s takedown attempt. Maybe Shockey should spend less time passing out from “dehydration” at Las Vegas hotels and talk to Matt Leinart and Jay Glazer about enrolling in some MMA training. Because quite frankly that was the saddest takedown attempt I’ve ever witnessed.
In prison being a “wide receiver” has a totally different meaning…
Well it seems that former New York Giants’ wide receiver and 2nd Amendment supporter Plaxico Burress will not be playing football anytime soon. Plaxico instead will be heading down the path toward salvation and rehabilitation, much like Michael Vick and Donte Stallworth before him. The kind of salvation and rehabilitation that can only come from being confined in an 8 by 8 cell, fighting for your life on a daily basis, and making sure to never ever drop the soap. Yep, prison baby.
Burress pleaded guilty to criminal possession of a weapon, but that’s really only because there is no legal charge against someone for accidentally shooting themselves. However, you can be labeled a dumbass, become a possible recipient of a Darwin Award, and in Plaxico’s case get two years in prison.
Don’t inmates tend to like guys with a lankier build? His cellmate is going to love him.
Let’s face it folks the only thing Plaxico Burress is guilty of here is wearing sweat pants in a club. I mean how the hell did he even get in to the club in the first place. If the bouncer was properly doing his job this whole fiasco would have been totally avoided.
In my opinion the only positive out of this whole going to jail and having other men force themselves on you situation is for Burress to possibly parlay his prison stint in to HBO’s next season of Hard Knocks. Think about it people. It would be perfect. Guest appearances could include NFL athletes like Donte Stallworth and Chad Johnson Ochocinco coming to the prison to keep Burress’ morale up. Maybe Michael Vick and Tony Dungy could even stop in to give an inspirational talk. There could even be an episode where he gets shanked in the cafeteria. That would be some drama. I’m just saying.
The end of the world is upon us. Kind of. Sort of. Well actually not really at all. But if it was we’d totally be screwed. At least according to a recent study coming out of the University of Ottawa.
Thanks Canada. First Canadian bacon, which is nothing like the bacon I’m used to, and now a study based on a scenario that is only plausible in the movies. You must really love fucking with me.
The scientific paper, which is published in a book “Infectious Diseases Modelling Research Progress”, looks at an attack by the undead creatures, who infect the living with a bite.
I’m really glad that educational institutions are using research money on fictional scenarios derived from movies like Dawn of the Dead, 28 Days Later and my personal favorite Tokyo Zombie. Instead of doing research on some of the less important and realer issues like cancer, AIDS, or other types of debilitating illnesses.
Okay so you wasted money to conduct this study. What were your findings on this highly improbable situation?
They concluded there was no point trying to cure those infected or live with them – the best thing was to destroy them as quickly as possible.
You actually conducted research that concluded killing the zombies would be the best solution? Sounds honestly like they just sat around all day getting high and watching zombie movies. I’m not a researcher, but I’ve seen enough zombie movies to know that your best chance for survival in a zombie apocalypse is to kill as many zombies as humanly possible. I think just about everyone knows that.
What’s next University of Ottawa? Research on whether machines will rise up and revolt against its human makers, like in the Terminator series?
Everyone’s favorite jean wearing, gun slinging, attention whoring, retired then unretired then retired again quarterback Brett Favre has signed with the Minnesota Vikings. It’s actually not that big of shock if you looked for all the telltale signs. Mainly the one a few weeks ago where Favre said he was going to stay retired. Obvious lie.
We’ve made it through the brunt of the Favre unretirement storm, but we still have the whole rest of the season to look forward to. Where reporters, announcers, and analysts will undoubtedly speculate on a weekly basis about whether this will be Favre’s last season or not. Followed by everyone’s favorite off-season game of “Will he or won’t he.” Where we’ll be subjected to video footage of Favre throwing with the local Mississippi high schools on ESPN’s Favre Watch.
My guess is that Favre was jealous by all the press that Michael Vick’s return had garnered by the media. I mean, come on Vick was on 60 Minutes the other night. That must have eaten away at Favre knowing that someone else was stealing the media spotlight. It must have been at that very moment when Favre decided that he couldn’t just wait until next year to get some media loving. He had to do something decisive before becoming indecisive about his future. The only logical solution was to come back and play football.
That’s what most self-absorbed, attention seeking people do. It’s what they call in the field of psychology as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It’s a pathology, people. He can’t help himself.
Now that the Favre retirement saga has come to a temporary resolution can we get on with the preseason, please. It’s shortly followed by the regular season which means it’s just about time for the start of my incessant gambling, drinking, and constant yelling at the television set that my wife has resistantly grown accustomed to between the months of August and February…Oh yeah and fuck Brett Favre for ruining my off-season.
Now that’s a Wildcat I can get behind…
In prison being a “wide receiver” has a totally different meaning…
