Fuck ‘em up Friday is a weekly post that occurs, you guessed it, every Friday. Bringing you some of the best knockouts, submissions, and knockers that the inter-webs have to offer. It’s basically my way of glorifying violence, as well as giving in to the urges of my pre-pubescent inner child. Yeah, that’s how I roll.
Blogs with Balls is currently taking place in Las Vegas, Nevada. For those unfamiliar, it’s a blogging convention where some of the most computer savvy and socially inept people gather to discuss sports, blogs and get utterly bombed. For many bloggers, this is the only time they’ll actually put on pants and leave their apartments. Sadly, due to my proba-….Uh lack of funds I was unable to attend. Lack of funds is a good explanation, let’s go with that and get on to the goods, shall we?
With the scoring of the above goal, that little kid has already scored more times this year than Gally. Buck up pal, you’ll get to grab a booby someday.
That was quite possibly one of the best hockey shots I’ve ever seen, which doesn’t say much since I barely watch hockey. However, I watch enough Sportscenter to know that shots like that don’t happen often.
You have to wonder what kind of preparation goes into a shot like that. My guess is a fuckton of hockey video games or a marathon viewing of the Mighty Ducks movies – two very effective ways to learn about life. Minus the whole social interaction aspect. In theory walking down the street and quacking at people seems like a good idea, but trust me it’s not. Someone gets irritated and will eventually chase you. And in case you ever doubt how fast you can run, it’s at least two times faster when you’re chased by a homeless man with PTSD related to his military service.
I fear two things in life: liver failure and kids. I guess I’m just holding out hope that we as humans evolve to the point where we no longer need our livers. Kind of like how we no longer need our appendix. But enough evolutionary jibber jabber.
What about kids?
Okay not kids per se, just the kid from the above video. He’s like the perfect fighting/killing machine. He’s quick, compact, and can lull adults into a false sense of security with his dimples and youthful angst. Which is the best way to have someone lower their guard right before you break off one of their various limbs.
You try telling a kid like that he can’t have dessert. Go ahead and try, I dare you.
His only weakness?
Shiny objects and video games. ADD is a real bitch like that. Why do you think I carry a PSP on me at all times? If you said because I’m a pedophile you can eat a dick. Looking at you Logic.
It’s Monday folks. Yes the week has started, and yes Mondays are almost exclusively designated as a shitty, shitty day…But it’s football season, thus making Mondays awesome. Monday Night Football, and football in general is everything that is right in America, next to happy hour specials and anonymous, casual sex.
Tonight’s contest has the New York Jets facing off against the Miami Dolphins. For some inexplicable reason the Dolphins are hosting their second MNF game of the season. We’ll file that under the heading of “Good idea at the time.” I guess winning the AFC East last season was enough to justify 2 MNF games during the first 5 weeks of the season. Eh whatever.
Last time the Dolphins hosted a MNF game against the Colts I had the pleasure of attending. And by pleasure I mean that I paid $50+ on stadium booze to not even get mildly buzzed. I was actually drunk going into the game and somehow drinking in the stadium actually sobered me up. I’m not quite sure how that works, but it did. You may recall my drunken recollection of the game. Tonight game will be enjoyed from the confines of my own home. Where the booze is cheap and I can poop use the bathroom without worrying about contracting Hep C from the toilet seat.
A win here and the Dolphins are back in the hunt for the AFC East. A loss and it more than likely becomes a footrace for the AFC East between the Patriots and Jets. At which point the Dolphins will be focused on trying not to be as bad as the Buffalo Bills, who are god awful, but more on that in a bit.
The Jets are coming off a loss to the Saints. On the plus side the Jets have added WR Braylon Edwards to the fold, which will definitely benefit their passing game. Not to mention he can always punch someone in the face if necessary.
The Dolphins started this season 0-3, which is no reason to panic, right? I mean they did lose starting QB Chad Pennington for the season, but don’t panic, right? Should they be panicking? I mean they played pretty good against the Colts a few weeks back, controlling time of possession and outgaining the Colts on the ground. I mean, sure they lost, but they have some momentum on their side now. Just last week they beat the Buffalo Bills. Hmm. The same Buffalo Bills who could only put up 3 points against a Cleveland Browns team whose QB, Derek Anderson, could only complete 2 of his 17 passes. Yeah I would be mildly concerned if I were the Dolphins, but way more concerned if I were the Bills.
Speaking of the Buffalo Bills, their head coach Dick Jauron is so gone after this season. That is if he even makes it to the end of the season. My list of coaches to be fired this season, during or after, looks something like Jim Zorn, Dick Jauron, and Jack del Rio. And in the case that these coaches aren’t fired, the NFL could always look to de-expansion the league.
Hear me out. Sure the NFL is big on expansion, but how about going the reverse route. Instead of adding more teams, how about getting rid of teams. Like really shitty teams. Maybe do some type of elimination playoff where the winning team gets to stay in the league while the losers are relocated to the UFL or the CFL. Either one would really suffice. The only downside to that plan is it lacks a clear cut strategy of getting rid of Detroit. The city, not just the team, but I digress.
Now I don’t really care who wins this game. Well let me take that back. I care to a certain extent because the Jets by 3.5 points and the over of 36.5 is the difference between me winning money and me losing the functionality of both my knee caps. Gambling debts aside I don’t have any real emotions vested in this game. Which means I’m totally able to make fun of both fan sets.
Jets fans will probably react to the above video by calling that kid the C-word. Followed by a plethora of expletives and finish it off by wishing bodily harm to that child’s family as the child watches.
Dolphins fans will think this youngster’s angst is so cute and adorable. That is until he’s all grown up and starts going to games dressed like this…
Either that or he’ll grow up to be a criminal…But I’m thinking that’s more of a Miami thing and not so much related to Dolphin fandom.
I image searched "sexy Columbus" and this came up.
Blogkakke is our daily collection of the latest and greatest that the Interwebs has to offer. If you have something that you would like to see here, or you’d like to audition for a starring role in one of Logic’s homemade porn movies, our contact information is up on the top right, and there’s always the comment section.
Musical Interlude
“prison sex” by Tool
Links
Holy Taco – Foreign languages + Childhood TV shows = Awesome
With Leather – Dre Bly should focus more on his interception celebration after the play is over.
Joystiq – A preview of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2′s multi-player. My nerd boner is at full mast. If you are not purchasing this game when it comes out next month you can consider us no longer friends.
Second String Fullback – Samerochocinco discusses his non-hatred of the Cincinnati Bengals.
The Gally Blog – Yes I just link dumped to a post that is on this site. Actually a post that is right below this one. I’m obviously a lazy human being. Deal with it. We roast Brett Favre and you can bet your ass it’s awesome.
Hitting your head with your helmet? Hmmm. Good for psyching out your opponent, but totally bad for your fucking head. Seahawks’ FB Owen Schmitt didn’t get that memo; but give the man credit, and by credit I mean a CAT Scan. Say what you will about opening up your own skull with your own head, because it must have worked. The Jaguars didn’t even have the slightest semblance of a team ready to play football as they lost 41-0. That has to count for something besides stupidity and a bunch of stitches. On a Fantasy Football related note: having the Jags’ kicker Josh Scobee really helped my team out this week. And by helped out, I mean it totally ass fucked me.
Fuck ‘em up Friday is a weekly post that occurs, you guessed it, every Friday. Bringing you some of the best knockouts, submissions, and knockers that the inter-webs have to offer. It’s basically my way of glorifying violence, as well as giving in to the urges of my pre-pubescent inner child. Yeah, that’s how I roll.
The Morning After Pill is where we review the previous day in the sporting world. Certain sports/teams are left out due to extreme lack of caring or hangovers
Headbanging coffee cup for a head guy? Headbanging coffee cup for a head guy. My day can begin…
College Football
Thursday Night brought us a conference college football match-up between Nebraska and Missouri Yawn. Sloppy field conditions and even sloppier play saw the ol Cornhuskers down 12-0 going into the 4th quarter. That is until Bo Pelini and company decided to quit fucking around and put up 27 points. Which is good news if you’re a Cornhusker fan, bad news if you (ie me) bet on Mizzou.
MLB
It’s almost that time of the year when baseball hibernates for the winter. Bows head Thank god. However, first we must make it through the playoffs. Last night saw 3 games take place, none of which I watched because I was too busy drinking looking for a cure to cancer…Yes cancer research. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. At least if my sponsor asks.
The Cardinals find themselves down 2 games to the Dodgers and Manny’s awesomely dirty looking dreads. Matt Holliday apparently had a costly error according to Twitter. I would have known firsthand if I had no life and watched baseball actually gave a shit.
Colorado tied up their series with the Phillies after a 5-4 victory. In other news makes wanking motion.
In boring playoff news the Angels brought out the rapesticks last night, shutting out the Red Sox 5-0. Normally I would be ecstatic, maybe even orgasmic after seeing Boston lose. However, I would prefer to enjoy the dismay of Boston fans after the Phillies and Yankees (suck it Logic!) are eliminated from the playoffs. Or in the case that the Phillies win the whole goddamn thing, a huge fucking meteor hits whatever stadium they’re in when they receive the championship trophy.
If the broken spirits of baseball fans could be served up as a meal my feast of dismay would look something like this:
Appetizer
Philly Cheese Steak
Main Course
New York Strip
Dessert
Boston Creme Pie
Kinda made myself hungry there. My Bloody Mary will have to wait…
Some of the best fights I’ve ever had occurred while I was in an altered state (i.e. drunk). Like that time on vacation when I thought bull-rushing a sign was a good idea. You won that round, Sign shakes fist. Or that one time I got drunk and kept fighting to get my zipper down. Maybe “that one time” is understating it a bit. Maybe it’s more like “A Typical Friday Night,” but let’s not argue semantics. Oh, and I can’t forget the time the neighbors called the cops on me for being what they described as, “drunk, disorderly, and I think he pissed on my front door.” Stupid neighbors. Stupid cops. Stupid tasers.
However, never have I ever been in such a drunken, debaucherous mood and thought to strap on boxing gloves and box a friend. Upper decking the water tank of my friend’s toilet…well, that’s another story. But boxing a friend while drunk? That seems like a horrible idea. And by horrible I mean awesome, just as long as you’re not the one getting KTFO. If you are the unfortunate recipient of the KO, let me tell you, you would not believe how hard it is to explain to your neighbors, while slightly concussed and slurring your speech because of a swollen jaw, why exactly you’re pissing on their front door. Oh yeah, and getting tasered…Really fucking sucks.
Brett Favre is playing football tonight? Against the Green Bay Packers? His old team? You don’t say. This comes as a complete and utter surprise to me. This is fairly big news! Why hasn’t the NFL and media been hyping this up? Oh wait, they have been….non-stop. Whether it be during sporting events such as college football, baseball, or sex with my wife, the story of Favre playing his old team has been on repeat for the last week or so.
In a snarky self-righteous tone Did you know Brett Favre has beaten every team in the NFL, except for the Green Bay Packers?
Hey, did you know I could give a flying fuck?
Granted some people are excited as hell for this game. Peter King no doubt will be sitting nude in his living room this evening with a pallet of Kit Kats on one side, an industrial sized container of lube/lotion on the other and enough Kleenex to block out the sun.
Tony Kornheiser will probably be announcing the game in his living room, by himself. In between stating random Favre facts and crying spells about how he wished he was in the booth to call this game live, he will dress his pets in Favre jerseys and send random text messages to Jon Gruden about how jealous he is.
For me this is just another game. One with no real impact on my life, but one I will definitely be watching. One I’ll be watching, but with the TV on MUTE. There’s something overly creepy about hearing a bunch of grown men verbally sex up another guy. It reminds me too much of going to Sunday school when I was a kid…
