Fantasy Football Preview (Part 2 of 3)

This is what happens when you Google Image search "Fantasy Football"

No seriously. The picture of Vanessa Hudgens was a joke that I thought of. I didn’t know what to have as a banner picture and now you get this smoking hot chick with her vagina labeled as an “End Zone”. Which is totally weird. I’d end all over her face or those giant T’s.

Okay, back to what you ACTUALLY care about. Fantasy Football. We started out with a decorum post. You should now know how to act in a fantasy league with your friends so you’re not embarrassed. I’d rather make you cool than a winner. When you’re cool…you always win. One last piece of advice…it’s highly important

If we are discussing fantasy football and I ask you a question like: “Who do you think will be better, Peyton Manning or Drew Brees?” and you reply with “I don’t know man. It all depends on the year they have.” I will drag your first born into a lake. Do you hear me, Mike from work? You’re f-cking pushing it, man. Of course we will see when the GD year is over!

Now that that is off my chest, next up on the agenda is seeing where players rank. This is highly important when picking a team, says Erik Kuselias. For the record, these are my rankings and predictions. I’m not going to explain every ranking but if you want anything in particular explained, please express yourself in the comment section. If not, kindly go get butt sexed by a bear.

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Popularity: 5% [?]

Tags: ESPN Writers are Over Paid Logics, Logic is a Pervert
Category Fantasy Football |

Fantasy Football is Life (Part 1 of 3)

ZOMG! Football season is almost here! Hooray!

/dismissive wank

Yeah THAT sport is great and all, but real men only care about statistics. And what I mean is…we only care about them for a week and then almost immediately forget them until it is brought up in an argument at a game or bar to piss off those faggity “purist fans” just watching because it’s “their favorite team” or “I just like to see people run into each other at high speeds”. They can all go fly a kite. Am I right?

/high fives my bro Chaz

Let me just get down to business. You may be asking why I’m qualified to give out advice on Fantasy Football when Matthew Berry, Erik Kuselias and all the other ESPN reporters are now involved in “the biz” (as I like to call it). Well, I know that I’m the guy who said Willis McGahee is better than Ray Rice last year. That was horribly untrue. (Editor’s Note: Don’t judge me. That’s God’s job. Are you trying to be God?!?) Regardless of my awful prediction of how playing time would be dealt out, Willis McGahee would have gotten you 7 touchdowns in the first 4 weeks of the season. Suck it, Bigtroph! It’s not my job to help you with the waiver wire (though I will try), you are going to have to predict that shit next time, baby. After this maybe I can show you how to dougie?

That may not make me qualified but it will show you that I’m a huge fantasy nerd for remembering my picks from last year. So maybe I’m hit and miss. Whatever. I guarantee I at least make you turn up your face and go “What the hell is this guy talking about?” if I don’t make you laugh…this year we are going to start with 10 Things that make me want to set your house on fire: Fantasy Football Edition.

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Popularity: 21% [?]

Tags: Vanessa Hudgens <3 Logic
Category Fantasy Football, Recent |

JaMarcus Russel is Stupid/Ironic

If you haven’t heard yet, JaMarcus Russell was arrested in his Alabama house yesterday. It’s been all over the internet/ESPN and probably even your local newspapers. You should get out more, I’m starting to worry about you, man.

Back to the story, Russell was arrested on possesion of codeine syrup or in the drug world “lean”, “purple drank” or “sizzurp”. I’m not saying I know what it’s about but I’ve heard from friends that they call it that because it makes you feel like your “leaning”. Often people, who aren’t me, would use this syrup and mix it with Sprite then drop flavored candy like Jolly Ranchers in the bottom. I’ve heard it can be delicious and it’s almost like a mixed drink. I wouldn’t know though, when I broke my jaw (and had it wired shut), my cruel doctor prescribed Vicodin the size of horse tranquilizers that I had to fit behind my molars. Until my wisdom teeth started growing in literally days after. Sometimes life is just not fair, but I digress.

Russell had been cut by the Oakland Raiders and was in the process of looking for a job. It’s a sad story because he should have never even been a #1 pick and we all knew the Raiders were the only franchise dumb enough to take him. If he doesn’t play football ever again he will probably go down as the biggest bust of all time. Start crossing your fingers, Ryan Leaf.

Christmas Ape of KSK had a great joke on twitter saying that Russell was arrested with a drug called “lean” and he was looking for a drug called “accurate”.

Popularity: 4% [?]

Tags: Fatties, Idiots, JeMarcus Russell, Logic doesn't do drugs, Sarcasm
Category Fail |

A Hangover Cure That Could Blow Your Mind

Come Get Some.

Over the last few months the Gally Blog has had a major face lift. I can dig it. It’s a lot harder to get writer’s block when you get so many options to chose from. Unlike my diet plan that was full of satire…and racism, this is something that I have done and it is a proven method. I swear to you it will work. You just need to trust me, which I know, can be incredibly hard. Let’s face it, I’m a douche bag. That was tough to admit but let me tell you, if there is one thing you learn about me, it’s that I get the WORST hangovers in the entire world. On Saturday and Sunday, if I don’t sleep until 3PM, it’s pretty much definite that I’d feel like death and head back to sleep until my head pain went away. Unless I had some oxycontin. Then, I’d be okay.

Step by Step process of “Cleaning the Pipes” after the jump:

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Popularity: 6% [?]

Tags: Hangover Cures
Category Drinking Games |

The Logical A-Z Diet

Body by Logic

It’s summer. Everyone is looking to shed those pounds and get to the beach. Well…at least stand around in a park with their shirt off drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon. I mean, that’s exactly what I want to do. It’s a shame that we all didn’t start in January like we said and kept the weight off all winter. Nope. Winter means baggy clothes and hoodies. Perfect fat camouflage. I’m not even one to judge. I was a sexy beast in the fall. I’m a little doughy right now. I haven’t been to the beach yet. I’m nervous.

Some of you have been asking me ways to get skinny. Dieting tips, work out plans, cocaine dealers, etc. Well, all that is great but the problem is, it’s BORING. Working out is pretty boring. And long. And redundant. Eating healthy is even worse than that! Look at Drew not only is he not as funny, but he looks lifeless behind his eyes in that after picture. Well, actually he looks like Steve Zahn but that’s neither here nor there.

I think I created the best diet of all time. It has everything. It’s healthy. It’s purging. It’s cleansing. It has cheating. Most of all, it going to be fucking awesome.

(full diet after the jump)

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Tags: Go Ahead And Try This, Isn't Dieting Fun, Nachos!, This thing is slightly racist...slightly
Category Foodie, Foodies, Random Deviations |

Fantasy Baseball Update

Here is your 51 Game MVP

I’m not positive if anyone cares about fantasy sports as much as I do. I’m in a deep 12 team (4 bench spots), 18 category league. So I pretty much live fantasy baseball when necessary but I have one other thing that I feel passionate about, in my life. And it that I HATE hearing people talk about stuff that I don’t care about. So, let me just warn you…If you don’t like fantasy baseball and droll rambling from the geekiest jock on the internet, I’d suggest not clicking “read more”. If you want to put in your pocket protector and tape up your glasses, come join me for a discussion on who is helping your team and who killed you.

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Tags: Evan Longoria, Fantasy Baseball, Miguel Cabrera, Ubaldo Jimenez
Category Fantasy Baseball |

A Logical Timeline or Timeline of Logic, if you will

Hi. My name is Logic. I'm an Agent of Chaos.

This is the Anniversary Edition. The Gally Blog’s one year Anniversary and we were told to do a re-introduction/commemorative post from the first year TGB has been in service. I take special pride in this because a year ago, when I first started, I was an awful writer who bounced around a lot rather than take direction and write something worth while. I was getting bored with blogging and just using it for an outlet to comedic writing, but I could barely keep my personal life out of it. Then, Gally and Gimp came along and had an idea for a cool blog…

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Popularity: 7% [?]

Tags: Hello, Logic, Timeline was a great book and a shitty movie
Category Introductions |

Using Logic: Sixth Edition

NO! I'M doing it RIGHT! YOU are doing it WRONG!

Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at  Logic@TheGallyBlog.com or @THElogic and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related but I do like to hear about enterTAINTment issues as well. Other times it can be sexy but it can never…NEVER be about suicide. You won’t like my answer. As always, I was emailed a fantastic story from a witty reader…

(e-mail in italics, Logic in bold and italics)

Dear Logic the Lonely, Lonely Idiotbrained Bigot,

Hello. I hope this finds you well. And by that, I mean I hope this finds you at the bottom of a well filled with snakes and mayonnaise. You disgust me. I heard your stand up comedy. You think that is funny? Celebrating anti-Semitic behavior? I can only pray to Moses that the next time a Muslim comes to New York City with a jihad in mind, they prepare better than a fist full of firecrackers, some fertilizer and propane tanks because I will direct that Muslim into your comedy show, sir. I promise you this.

Now, on to my email. I have a situation. I know this hateful, racist slut that pretends he is a professional blogger. He likes to make fun of sick and weak humans during the best times of their life because he is jealous that they had one happy moment in their life. One moment more than he would ever have. I was just curious as to what he would have to say about a cute kid pretending he is a super hero. Oh, and he has cancer. Maybe he will show a heart? Maybe he will transform into the jelly fish that he is every time he gets behind a mic or laptop computer?

Sincerely,
Harvey Horowitz

(Editor’s Note: Oof)

Dear Harvey,

I’m not sure if you know me. My name is Logic. You seem to have described AJ Dauelerio? Maybe you got the wrong email address? Ah. Whatever. I can help you out.

Look at me, you cross eyed little shit.

Alright look. I don’t want to be a dick as much as the next guy, but things need to get said. I don’t quite know what you’re asking me but I think I have advice for this kid. It’s time to stop being such a faggot and get out of the spandex. We get it. You have liver cancer. Whatever. That’s like the easiest cancer to get rid of. Hell, you could probably have Ernie Harwell’s liver, it’s probably still warm.

Honestly, I don’t even see what the big deal is. 13 years old? You never got to experience life yet. No one is taking anything special away from you. I mean, c’mon, you look like you would’ve wasted it throwing poke balls at your Pomeranian dog while only drinking Soy milk. Besides, nothing you can be going through can be worse than a ground and pound from a University of Virginia lacrosse player.

Lookit here, Electron Boy. That’s a goofy name. You know what electrons are? Negative. Yep. That’s straight science, homey. I’ll call you homey because you are black, see. You need to be positive. Plus, you need to be creative. That’s why you change your goofy ass name to Positron Man. See what I did there? Boys are weak. Men are strong. We have big dicks. A Big swinging dick mentality, is what you need. Plus, then you can keep all the goofy electricity stuff. Except, now you are charged positively with protons! HIV Positively Charged. Right? Wait. It was cancer. Okay, scratch that last part. No, you can keep the electric stuff. Whatever, gayboy.

As for the community who did this to the little dork, you should be ashamed of yourself. You know crushed kids get when they find out there is no Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Jesus? It’s fucking heartbreaking. How is this kid going to handle high school? He’s going to take out his little lightning rod and the starting linebacker on the football team is going to stick his nappy head in a toilet for Christ’s sake. Or he’s going to nickname his penis the lightning rod and ask girls if they want to see it and then BAM! C and D letters up the ass.

Alright. I guess that about answers your question. I’m sure I can Google Dauelerio’s email for you, it’s not hard? Anyway, I think the kid should get a new liver if the cancer hasn’t spread all over his body. Let him grow up to drink that thing to death via cirrhosis, the fun way, the Logic way!

Unfaithfully Yours,
Logic

Popularity: 17% [?]

Tags: Electron Boy, Liver Cancer, Logic is a sociopath, That's Just Wrong, Welp there goes Yardbarker
Category Use Logic |

Logic Sits Down With Jared Allen….’s Mullet

Hey there lil fella

Here at TGB, we like to land interviews with celebrities. It makes us look a lot cooler. I’ve talked with some awesome people since I began writing here. Namely Kyle Turley and Mike Tunison, but I pretended to talk to a few other people. Mostly because I’m a sociopath with a lot of free time. Here is the latest installment:

Logic: So if you’re not a caveman or some kind of deranged hermit living under a rock, you have probably heard that.. (more…)

Popularity: 7% [?]

Tags: Jared Allen, Jared Allen's Mullet, Logic landed another solid interview
Category Interviews, Satire |

Stephen A Smith vs. Dan Levy And Blogfrica

This post originally aired last week, but was lost when our host jiggled the cables going to our server

If you know me, and follow me on Twitter you know that I have a very long history of messing with celebrities.  What happened yesterday was different.  Way different.  I didn’t start it, and I know I sure as hell didn’t end it.  Dan Levy has a grudge with Stephen A. Why? The same reason as everyone else does. He’s a shitty writer/tv personality and radio host.  The only difference between you and Dan Levy is that Levy has an audience of people who listen to him.

I have no similarities to Dan Levy.  He’s smart, can form coherent sentences and people WANT to hear his opinion on sports.  I make prison rape jokes and get drunk, shirtless in the day time on weekdays.  If anyone is the villain in this situation, it’s me.  Dan Levy would be Superman and I’d be Lex Luthor and Stephen A. would probably be the bank robbers at the beginning of the movie that Superman bends a light post around so the cops can catch them (PJ Diaries is Wonder Woman).  This is how different we are, except in this analogy, Dan Levy is the smart one and I’m the one who can make his cumshot as strong as a shotgun blast. (more…)

Popularity: 5% [?]

Tags: Blogger Fight, Dan Levy, Stephen A. Smith
Category Ranting, Recap |