The Gally Blog Fantasy Football League

Guess how old I am in this picture?

And we’re back! Back to my favorite time of the year. Right after you draft your fantasy football team and right before the first game where you get to talk as much shit as you want. You drafted the best team in the world. Doesn’t matter if you have Leinart, Houshmandzadeh, Roethlisberger, Vincent Jackson, Brandon Jacobs, Willie Parker, Brian Westbrook and Antonio Bryant. Hey, at least you didn’t draft Chris Henry!

Anyway, I had a 3 part fantasy blog but I only got around to 2 of them. Mostly because I wanted to save the third part for the first round of our fantasy draft. I’m in 4 leagues this year so I’m going to try to not talk about my outside players. My one consistent in all of the leagues is Ryan Matthews from the San Diego Chargers, so expect to hear about him a lot. Especially if he wins Rookie of the Year like Peter King suggested on Twitter. *puts gun to head* Yeah that was basically the kiss of fucking death for my teams.

So the line up is all sports blogger, again. Sorry readers. We couldn’t have all 6 of you this year! We needed to make room for some new writers and old friends. Don’t forget to join our Pick Em league to pick against us!

Of course we have The Gally Blog favorites like Gally (The Harry Seawords), Chubs K-Gun (Beck University), Gimp (I Heart Moobs) and Nonpopulist (Ground and Pound Zero…oof. Really?). And yes, I added the twitter address of each player and will type up their starters but not their entire team (and I’m putting who I would start as the flex, not who they currently have). We do a 1 QB, 2 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 K, 1 Def and 1 Flex for this league and our flex is a WR/TE not a RB/WR, so keep that in mind. I do need to sniff some vicodin and jerk off later, you know…

Gally’s team: Aaron Rodgers, Michael Crabtree, Jeremy Maclin, Jamaal Charles, Jahvid Best, Dallas Clark, Dexter McCluster, David Akers and no current defense? I don’t know how that strategy will work out for him but I promise I will keep you posted! Gally also picked a Chief and a Lion with his first two picks, so he might save me from the PK Curse.

Chubs’ team: Kevin Kolb, Roddy White, Greg Jennings, Ray Rice, Knowshon Moreno, Kellen Winslow, Robert Meachem, Nate Kaeding, and Green Bay/Pittsburgh. Looks like Chubs missed the draft as well because he drafted Sidney Rice who I thought was out for the season? If not, I know he is out at least 8 weeks. Not worth holding onto for that long. Oh, and good luck with the homer Buffalo picks!

Gimp’s team: Gimp and I made a side bet for the consolation 5th place game last year that the loser would have to eat chicken fat bought from a can at the store. I won and Gimp never paid this bet. I will not bet him for anything this year until we see him eating some GD chicken fat. His team is: Matt Schaub, Steve Smith (Carolina), Percy Harvin, Frank Gore, Josheph Addain, Heath Miller, Dez Bryant, Ryan Longwell and Miami. I don’t really like that Gimp drafted 3 QBs and the Lions back up Tight End. I think he can find a better one out there. Even better than Heath Miller, really. Oh did I mention one of the 3 QBs is Brett Favre? Yeah. Die, Gimp.

Nonpop’s team: Tony Romo, Pierre Garcon, Wes Welker, Ahmad Bradshaw, Michael Turner, Jermaine Gresham, Santana Moss, Adam Vinatieri, Baltimore. It looks like Nonpop decided to take all #2 WR’s and some TE that no one has ever heard of. Very risky.

We also have some cool people from last year’s league like Punte (of KSK and Withleather) and Brandon who split a team once again. They have appropriately named their team after “Gally’s Broken Heart” which is complete with a Papa Roach lyric. Hopefully they pay attention and don’t fuck me out of a playoff spot for a second time this year…

Punter and Brandon’s team: Drew Brees, Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin, Rashard Mendenhall, Arian Foster, Visanthe Shiancoe, Joshua Cribbs/Vincent Jackson after week 4, David Buehler and San Diego.

We have a new comer named Fetch (Inappropriate Joke) who had a smoking hot girl as their twitter picture. I don’t know them, so I don’t know if that was them, so let’s hope it is. Though, it is gone now. Their team is: Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall, Steve Smith (NYG), Chris Johnson, Ryan Grant, Antonio Gates, Johnny Knox, Stephen Gostkowksi, NYJ/Dallas.

Also in the league, good friend from the blogosphere and twitter but newcomer to the league BP Douglas (of Broncos Stable) and his team “Reign in Blood”. Their team is Carson Palmer, Calvin Johnson, Miles Austin, Adrian Peterson, Ricky Williams, Zach Miller, Bernard Berrian, Rob Bironas and Cincinnati. I think I like this team as the favorite. Plus he gets Santanio Holmes after week 4.

Making a new appearance in the league is our man Lowercase from Football on the Fringe and his team “Lead the League in Beers”. He took a long hiatus, but he is back to blogging and ranking the college football that no one watches better than ever! His team is Tom Brady, Reggie Wayne, Mike Sims-Walker, Ronnie Brown, Steven Jackson, Jermichael Finley, Donald Driver, Lawrence Tynes, New Orleans.

This year we have the brains from Blogs with Balls and an extremely cool guy, HHReynolds who owns and operates HHReynolds.com, and his team named “HHCarmichael”. HHR missed most of the draft due to family obligations so he had some rough picks. His team is: Matt Cassel, DeSean Jackson, Ochocinco, MJD, Pierre Thomas, Brent Celek, Kenny Britt, Mason Crosby/Ryan Longwell and Minnesota. Yeah, that’s right. He drafted 2 kickers. He also drafted TJ Houshmandzadeh. Yeah.. Tough one, bud.

Also a newcomer to our league but a good friend of the Gally Blog’s and a cool guy to follow on twitter Max Power from Daddy’s Sugar Ball. His team is the Christ Punchers: Matt Ryan, Randy Moss, Dwayne Bowe, Shonn Green, LeSean McCoy, Tony Gonzalez, Derrick Mason, Robbie Gould and Philadelphia. I don’t like that McCoy pick but he does have solid back ups with Marion Barber and Clinton Portis which are pretty damn good #3 and #4 backs.

Returning to our league for the second consecutive year, Canadian mustache enthusiast and OUR RETURNING CHAMPION, Andrew Bucholtz and his team “Men without Pants” He writes for NUMBEROUS blogs and is an excellent writer, so I’ll just link what his twitter says. He can always correct me and I’ll add a different blog to the next update. His team, Phillip Rivers, Andre Johnson, Hines Ward, DeAngelo Williams, Cedric Benson, Vernon Davis, Mike Wallace, Garret Hartley, San Francisco. Hopefully Andrew will get what is coming to him as well, because Gally bet Andrew over the championship game that the loser had to write poetry. Yeah, I don’t get it either. it’s a Canadian thing. However we didn’t see any poetry… Yeah 2 bets that went unpaid.

And of course, me. Logic and my team “Condoms are so 80s”. Let me know, because I can change that team name to the “Haitian Zombies” as soon as possible. I have the Zombies in a lot of other leagues so I tried to switch it up. My team is: Peyton Manning, Marques Colston, Hakeem Nicks, Ryan Matthews, Matt Forte, Jason Witten, Malcom Floyd/Owen Daniels/Golden Tate, Neil Rackers and NYG. I think I’m fucked. I added all of those guys to the flex because 1 is an unproven veteran starting after an impressive preseason, 1 is coming off of a season ending injury and the last is a rookie. Whoever performs the best, is going to start. Simple as that. I’ll also pretend to play the matchups but always end up fucking myself.

END TRANSMISSION.

Alright and that does it for our pre-Week 1 update. If you want the first 2 rounds posted, I will do that for the second round. Just drop a comment. I know no one really reads this shit so unless I get a comment or two, I won’t put this much time into the posts. Hey, my editor started this sentiment with Last Call.

/ba dump chhhhh

So good luck to all of the players and hopefully we don’t have a bunch of bet welchers this time and hopefully for the future everyone is there for the GD draft and we don’t double draft kickers and 3 QB’s plus Sidney Rice and Houshmandzadeh. PRE RANK YOUR PLAYERS! Okay, sorry. I get itchy without my porn and vicodin.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: 1428 words from a drug addict, Andrew Bucholtz, BP Douglas, Chubs K Gun, Fantasy Football, Fetch, Gally, Gimp, HHReynolds, Logic is Working Hard., Logic made it sexy, Lowercase, Max Power, Nonpopulist, Punter and Brandon, Tagkakke
Category Gally Blog Fantasy Football Competition |

Fantasy Football Preview (Part 2 of 3)

This is what happens when you Google Image search "Fantasy Football"

No seriously. The picture of Vanessa Hudgens was a joke that I thought of. I didn’t know what to have as a banner picture and now you get this smoking hot chick with her vagina labeled as an “End Zone”. Which is totally weird. I’d end all over her face or those giant T’s.

Okay, back to what you ACTUALLY care about. Fantasy Football. We started out with a decorum post. You should now know how to act in a fantasy league with your friends so you’re not embarrassed. I’d rather make you cool than a winner. When you’re cool…you always win. One last piece of advice…it’s highly important

If we are discussing fantasy football and I ask you a question like: “Who do you think will be better, Peyton Manning or Drew Brees?” and you reply with “I don’t know man. It all depends on the year they have.” I will drag your first born into a lake. Do you hear me, Mike from work? You’re f-cking pushing it, man. Of course we will see when the GD year is over!

Now that that is off my chest, next up on the agenda is seeing where players rank. This is highly important when picking a team, says Erik Kuselias. For the record, these are my rankings and predictions. I’m not going to explain every ranking but if you want anything in particular explained, please express yourself in the comment section. If not, kindly go get butt sexed by a bear.

(more…)

Popularity: 21% [?]

Tags: ESPN Writers are Over Paid Logics, Logic is a Pervert
Category Fantasy Football |

Fantasy Football is Life (Part 1 of 3)

ZOMG! Football season is almost here! Hooray!

/dismissive wank

Yeah THAT sport is great and all, but real men only care about statistics. And what I mean is…we only care about them for a week and then almost immediately forget them until it is brought up in an argument at a game or bar to piss off those faggity “purist fans” just watching because it’s “their favorite team” or “I just like to see people run into each other at high speeds”. They can all go fly a kite. Am I right?

/high fives my bro Chaz

Let me just get down to business. You may be asking why I’m qualified to give out advice on Fantasy Football when Matthew Berry, Erik Kuselias and all the other ESPN reporters are now involved in “the biz” (as I like to call it). Well, I know that I’m the guy who said Willis McGahee is better than Ray Rice last year. That was horribly untrue. (Editor’s Note: Don’t judge me. That’s God’s job. Are you trying to be God?!?) Regardless of my awful prediction of how playing time would be dealt out, Willis McGahee would have gotten you 7 touchdowns in the first 4 weeks of the season. Suck it, Bigtroph! It’s not my job to help you with the waiver wire (though I will try), you are going to have to predict that shit next time, baby. After this maybe I can show you how to dougie?

That may not make me qualified but it will show you that I’m a huge fantasy nerd for remembering my picks from last year. So maybe I’m hit and miss. Whatever. I guarantee I at least make you turn up your face and go “What the hell is this guy talking about?” if I don’t make you laugh…this year we are going to start with 10 Things that make me want to set your house on fire: Fantasy Football Edition.

(more…)

Popularity: 2% [?]

Tags: Vanessa Hudgens <3 Logic
Category Fantasy Football, Recent |

JaMarcus Russel is Stupid/Ironic

If you haven’t heard yet, JaMarcus Russell was arrested in his Alabama house yesterday. It’s been all over the internet/ESPN and probably even your local newspapers. You should get out more, I’m starting to worry about you, man.

Back to the story, Russell was arrested on possesion of codeine syrup or in the drug world “lean”, “purple drank” or “sizzurp”. I’m not saying I know what it’s about but I’ve heard from friends that they call it that because it makes you feel like your “leaning”. Often people, who aren’t me, would use this syrup and mix it with Sprite then drop flavored candy like Jolly Ranchers in the bottom. I’ve heard it can be delicious and it’s almost like a mixed drink. I wouldn’t know though, when I broke my jaw (and had it wired shut), my cruel doctor prescribed Vicodin the size of horse tranquilizers that I had to fit behind my molars. Until my wisdom teeth started growing in literally days after. Sometimes life is just not fair, but I digress.

Russell had been cut by the Oakland Raiders and was in the process of looking for a job. It’s a sad story because he should have never even been a #1 pick and we all knew the Raiders were the only franchise dumb enough to take him. If he doesn’t play football ever again he will probably go down as the biggest bust of all time. Start crossing your fingers, Ryan Leaf.

Christmas Ape of KSK had a great joke on twitter saying that Russell was arrested with a drug called “lean” and he was looking for a drug called “accurate”.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Fatties, Idiots, JeMarcus Russell, Logic doesn't do drugs, Sarcasm
Category Fail |

A Hangover Cure That Could Blow Your Mind

Come Get Some.

Over the last few months the Gally Blog has had a major face lift. I can dig it. It’s a lot harder to get writer’s block when you get so many options to chose from. Unlike my diet plan that was full of satire…and racism, this is something that I have done and it is a proven method. I swear to you it will work. You just need to trust me, which I know, can be incredibly hard. Let’s face it, I’m a douche bag. That was tough to admit but let me tell you, if there is one thing you learn about me, it’s that I get the WORST hangovers in the entire world. On Saturday and Sunday, if I don’t sleep until 3PM, it’s pretty much definite that I’d feel like death and head back to sleep until my head pain went away. Unless I had some oxycontin. Then, I’d be okay.

Step by Step process of “Cleaning the Pipes” after the jump:

(more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Hangover Cures
Category Drinking Games |

The Logical A-Z Diet

Body by Logic

It’s summer. Everyone is looking to shed those pounds and get to the beach. Well…at least stand around in a park with their shirt off drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon. I mean, that’s exactly what I want to do. It’s a shame that we all didn’t start in January like we said and kept the weight off all winter. Nope. Winter means baggy clothes and hoodies. Perfect fat camouflage. I’m not even one to judge. I was a sexy beast in the fall. I’m a little doughy right now. I haven’t been to the beach yet. I’m nervous.

Some of you have been asking me ways to get skinny. Dieting tips, work out plans, cocaine dealers, etc. Well, all that is great but the problem is, it’s BORING. Working out is pretty boring. And long. And redundant. Eating healthy is even worse than that! Look at Drew not only is he not as funny, but he looks lifeless behind his eyes in that after picture. Well, actually he looks like Steve Zahn but that’s neither here nor there.

I think I created the best diet of all time. It has everything. It’s healthy. It’s purging. It’s cleansing. It has cheating. Most of all, it going to be fucking awesome.

(full diet after the jump)

(more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Go Ahead And Try This, Isn't Dieting Fun, Nachos!, This thing is slightly racist...slightly
Category Foodie, Foodies, Random Deviations |

Fantasy Baseball Update

Here is your 51 Game MVP

I’m not positive if anyone cares about fantasy sports as much as I do. I’m in a deep 12 team (4 bench spots), 18 category league. So I pretty much live fantasy baseball when necessary but I have one other thing that I feel passionate about, in my life. And it that I HATE hearing people talk about stuff that I don’t care about. So, let me just warn you…If you don’t like fantasy baseball and droll rambling from the geekiest jock on the internet, I’d suggest not clicking “read more”. If you want to put in your pocket protector and tape up your glasses, come join me for a discussion on who is helping your team and who killed you.

(more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Evan Longoria, Fantasy Baseball, Miguel Cabrera, Ubaldo Jimenez
Category Fantasy Baseball |

A Logical Timeline or Timeline of Logic, if you will

Hi. My name is Logic. I'm an Agent of Chaos.

This is the Anniversary Edition. The Gally Blog’s one year Anniversary and we were told to do a re-introduction/commemorative post from the first year TGB has been in service. I take special pride in this because a year ago, when I first started, I was an awful writer who bounced around a lot rather than take direction and write something worth while. I was getting bored with blogging and just using it for an outlet to comedic writing, but I could barely keep my personal life out of it. Then, Gally and Gimp came along and had an idea for a cool blog…

(more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Hello, Logic, Timeline was a great book and a shitty movie
Category Introductions |

Using Logic: Sixth Edition

NO! I'M doing it RIGHT! YOU are doing it WRONG!

Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at  Logic@TheGallyBlog.com or @THElogic and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related but I do like to hear about enterTAINTment issues as well. Other times it can be sexy but it can never…NEVER be about suicide. You won’t like my answer. As always, I was emailed a fantastic story from a witty reader…

(e-mail in italics, Logic in bold and italics)

Dear Logic the Lonely, Lonely Idiotbrained Bigot,

Hello. I hope this finds you well. And by that, I mean I hope this finds you at the bottom of a well filled with snakes and mayonnaise. You disgust me. I heard your stand up comedy. You think that is funny? Celebrating anti-Semitic behavior? I can only pray to Moses that the next time a Muslim comes to New York City with a jihad in mind, they prepare better than a fist full of firecrackers, some fertilizer and propane tanks because I will direct that Muslim into your comedy show, sir. I promise you this.

Now, on to my email. I have a situation. I know this hateful, racist slut that pretends he is a professional blogger. He likes to make fun of sick and weak humans during the best times of their life because he is jealous that they had one happy moment in their life. One moment more than he would ever have. I was just curious as to what he would have to say about a cute kid pretending he is a super hero. Oh, and he has cancer. Maybe he will show a heart? Maybe he will transform into the jelly fish that he is every time he gets behind a mic or laptop computer?

Sincerely,
Harvey Horowitz

(Editor’s Note: Oof)

Dear Harvey,

I’m not sure if you know me. My name is Logic. You seem to have described AJ Dauelerio? Maybe you got the wrong email address? Ah. Whatever. I can help you out.

Look at me, you cross eyed little shit.

Alright look. I don’t want to be a dick as much as the next guy, but things need to get said. I don’t quite know what you’re asking me but I think I have advice for this kid. It’s time to stop being such a faggot and get out of the spandex. We get it. You have liver cancer. Whatever. That’s like the easiest cancer to get rid of. Hell, you could probably have Ernie Harwell’s liver, it’s probably still warm.

Honestly, I don’t even see what the big deal is. 13 years old? You never got to experience life yet. No one is taking anything special away from you. I mean, c’mon, you look like you would’ve wasted it throwing poke balls at your Pomeranian dog while only drinking Soy milk. Besides, nothing you can be going through can be worse than a ground and pound from a University of Virginia lacrosse player.

Lookit here, Electron Boy. That’s a goofy name. You know what electrons are? Negative. Yep. That’s straight science, homey. I’ll call you homey because you are black, see. You need to be positive. Plus, you need to be creative. That’s why you change your goofy ass name to Positron Man. See what I did there? Boys are weak. Men are strong. We have big dicks. A Big swinging dick mentality, is what you need. Plus, then you can keep all the goofy electricity stuff. Except, now you are charged positively with protons! HIV Positively Charged. Right? Wait. It was cancer. Okay, scratch that last part. No, you can keep the electric stuff. Whatever, gayboy.

As for the community who did this to the little dork, you should be ashamed of yourself. You know crushed kids get when they find out there is no Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Jesus? It’s fucking heartbreaking. How is this kid going to handle high school? He’s going to take out his little lightning rod and the starting linebacker on the football team is going to stick his nappy head in a toilet for Christ’s sake. Or he’s going to nickname his penis the lightning rod and ask girls if they want to see it and then BAM! C and D letters up the ass.

Alright. I guess that about answers your question. I’m sure I can Google Dauelerio’s email for you, it’s not hard? Anyway, I think the kid should get a new liver if the cancer hasn’t spread all over his body. Let him grow up to drink that thing to death via cirrhosis, the fun way, the Logic way!

Unfaithfully Yours,
Logic

Popularity: 4% [?]

Tags: Electron Boy, Liver Cancer, Logic is a sociopath, That's Just Wrong, Welp there goes Yardbarker
Category Use Logic |

Logic Sits Down With Jared Allen….’s Mullet

Hey there lil fella

Here at TGB, we like to land interviews with celebrities. It makes us look a lot cooler. I’ve talked with some awesome people since I began writing here. Namely Kyle Turley and Mike Tunison, but I pretended to talk to a few other people. Mostly because I’m a sociopath with a lot of free time. Here is the latest installment:

Logic: So if you’re not a caveman or some kind of deranged hermit living under a rock, you have probably heard that.. (more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Jared Allen, Jared Allen's Mullet, Logic landed another solid interview
Category Interviews, Satire |