This post originally aired last week, but was lost when our host jiggled the cables going to our server
If you know me, and follow me on Twitter you know that I have a very long history of messing with celebrities. What happened yesterday was different. Way different. I didn’t start it, and I know I sure as hell didn’t end it. Dan Levy has a grudge with Stephen A. Why? The same reason as everyone else does. He’s a shitty writer/tv personality and radio host. The only difference between you and DanLevy is that Levy has an audience of people who listen to him.
I have no similarities to Dan Levy. He’s smart, can form coherent sentences and people WANT to hear his opinion on sports. I make prison rape jokes and get drunk, shirtless in the day time on weekdays. If anyone is the villain in this situation, it’s me. Dan Levy would be Superman and I’d be Lex Luthor and Stephen A. would probably be the bank robbers at the beginning of the movie that Superman bends a light post around so the cops can catch them (PJ Diaries is Wonder Woman). This is how different we are, except in this analogy, Dan Levy is the smart one and I’m the one who can make his cumshot as strong as a shotgun blast. (more…)
So I did a Using Logic skit on the whole Steve Phillips situation a few months ago. I loved it. I always liked Steve Phillips as an announcer and a person but the whole situation was ridiculous. Deadspin now is saying that Phillips is attributing his sex addiction to a traumatic childhood experience. Pfffttt. This is just getting stupid. Even after that fantastic South Park episode on all the guys with “sex addictions” blaming their problems and ruined lives on the stupidest stuff imaginable. I don’t feel like linking the episode, I’m sure you can find it yourself. There’s this new thing called “Google” out, you lazy fuck.
I mean, c’mon Jesse James. Nazi sex rehab? That sounds like a bad Schindler’s List porn remake. Give me a break. South Park has outed you Tiger Woods, Dave Letterman, Bill Clinton, Dave Duchovny, Steve Phillips and Gimp. There is no hiding anymore. Get over it, you’re just bad people who made a mistake. Now man up and pay your wife half!
Okay, it’s time. It’s been about 6 weeks since the World Series and now time for baseball to start up. I’m actually excited. Not as excited as I would be for an MMA event or not even close to the excitement I get for the start of football season. /gets boner thinking about it.
Since there are so many GD teams, I’m going to keep it brief. I’m going to list the teams how I think they will finish with a little one liner about each team. It’ll most likely tell you who to grab in Fantasy Baseball and what famous people did they have sex with. Hey listen, Captain Buzzkill, you can do your preview however you want. Oh? You have a degree in journalism with a concentration on sports reporting? Well that’s nice. I have a degree in “Being Awesome”. +1, Logic. I’ll probably go a little more in depth for the AL East because as a Yankees fan, that’s the division that I know the most. I won’t try to pretend that I’m an expert on the NL Central or something other than that. This is why, I’m going to encourage everyone to give me their winners/losers/”Logic is a retard” in the comments section and we can discuss it like gentleman (and/or ladies). After the jump!
I don’t know what kind of karma cat the Steelers stepped on but everything is just crumbling around them and it’s awesome. Now, I should probably take a shot at K-Gun here to keep the witty banter up between the writers on the site, but like Bill Simmons said, when you pick a fight on the internet…you gotta fight up. I would not be fighting up. Get it? He’s a nothing!
Moving on, Santanio Holmes is a classy gentleman. Apparently he was at a night club where he needed a seat and he asked politely if some lady would move from her seat so he could rest his tired feet. Don’t football players know to just not go out? Because none of what I said was true. Santanio Holmes took his beer bottle (most likely Colt 45 because I’m told that’s what the blacks drink) and smashed it in some woman’s face until she was bleeding from her eye when she wouldn’t give up her seat. I personally, find this hysterical because I’m 95% sure he really respects Rosa Parks.
Santanio Holmes reminds me of this black gentleman that is a hat collector and she was late on her hat payments. (Note: I just wanted to post a video of comedy power houses Opie, Anthony, Jimmy Norton and Jim Jefferies all punching their tickets to hell by laughing at a 101 year old woman getting mugged and repeatedly punched in the face.)
What’s going on everyone? It’s a really boring Wednesday and as you know, I write my posts the night before I post them due to my shitty work schedule. So I figured I’d give everyone something new to look at without struggling to find something mildly entertaining in the sports world. And I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell you this but if you are a writer, I’d contact Gally for a possible gig. You didn’t get it from me though.
Links
I didn’t know hockey is still going on but here is an awesome 3 minute fight. Probably the only reason to watch hockey. (Withleather)
This was too good not to make a post about. According to sources that know Tim Tebow, he often requests prayer at awkward times. I did not know that at all. That is like the douchiest thing someone can do. Especially in today’s society when the world isn’t the same religion all linked under a God-king who takes his advice from an lethargic armadillo.
We’re told that Tebow already has gotten a taste of the resistance he might face at the next level.
At the Scouting Combine, the Wonderlic exam is administered to players in groups. The 12-minute test is preceded by some brief instructions and comments from the person administering the test.
Per a league source, after the person administering the test to Tebow’s group had finished, Tebow made a request that the players bow their heads in prayer before taking the 50-question exam.
Said one of the other players in response: “Shut the f–k up.” Others players in the room then laughed.
WOW. If that is real, that is comedy gold. That’s like old school, still in high school, the nerd is up in front of the class and he looks at the teacher for approval and then he drops his oral report index cards and he bends down to pick them up and you just make the biggest fart noise of all time. Oh God, that was awesome. Remember that?
/chugs Pabst Blue Ribbon in letterman jacket
I would have literally paid my entire bank account to have been there. I would’ve gone into serious meth-addiction-debt to have been the one to say it. That is almost too good. I wish they named the player, so I could buy/create a t-shirt dedicated to this moment in sports history. You know he isn’t an atheist either. He’s probably someone like Rex Grossman or Tyler Palko that says totally inappropriate things. ALL. THE. TIME. Actually, you want my guess? It was my drunken uncle at a Christmas party.
Yesterday, Ben Roethlisberger was scolded by Roger Goodell for his 2 open court cases, both of which being of a “sexual assaulty nature” as my bro Chaz called it. I think it’s not the fact that Goodell thinks Ben did it, but rather that one of the faces of the most popular franchises in the NFL keeps putting himself in situations that appear “rapey” according to Chaz. Some people are trying to give it the “If it looks like a duck” argument, only to be countered by the “I hope you held Michael Jackson to the same standard.” He’s dead, dontcha know? or the “It’s just civil court” argument which is then trumped by the “OJ lost in civil court” argument. So really the whole situation is at a deadlock and I don’t think the question is if Ben raped anyone, I think it’s more along the lines of: “Did Ben Rapethisberger rape the rapey grape rape of date rape?”
I like to give props for Jose Conseco for being a “real” guy, once in a while. He doesn’t like to hide behind PR guys and he always seems to speak his mind, even when not asked. Although, he likes to sell everyone out for money. Meanwhile it’s like he gets a free pass in the public eye for doing much worse. Then he likes to think he can fight in MMA just because he was good at baseball? It doesn’t make sense. You can’t use a bat in MMA…yet. (Note: That may be awesome)
However, he is interesting to follow on twitter. Like for this tweet from “his girlfriend” saying he’s a dick. I believe that Jose Conseco is a dick. I just don’t believe there is a girl that would willingly call herself “his girlfriend” for him to stick his dick in.
WWTDD or With Leather both have complete lists of all the sexy texties that Tiger Woods sent “The Queen of DP”, Joslyn James. It gets pretty graphic. I’ve sexted thousands of times in my life but never about golden showers, biting, face smacking, ass to mouth, etc.
I just need to know one thing from all of this…he was hitting close to 11 women on the reg, plus his family, his endorsements, golf career, appearances and probably other stuff that I am not aware of. My question is, how the fuck did he have time for all of this? I work 8am-4pm, plus my hour commute, an hour in the gym, I have 1 girlfriend and I write for 1 blog and I act like I am the most stressed out person in the entire world. Do celebrities get 27 hour days? And he looks so young! I don’t get it. Maybe peeing on women is the new fountain of youth?
Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at Logic@TheGallyBlog.com or @THElogic and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy and you know I’m always down for a little Russian Chat Roulette.
(e-mail in italics, Logic in bold and italics)
Dear Created Witty Nickname for a Hateful Faggot,
Good morning, Logic. I hope this email finds you well. I hope that God was done tormenting you for the first 23 years of your life and finally decided that you and a bus should occupy the same exact position at the same exact time. I’ve never hated anyone on this entire planet as much as I do you. You have zero talent. All you do is just think of the most heinous thing you could possibly think off. You’re racist, sexist and the farthest thing from politically correct I can think of. At least Jim Jefferies makes things funny, I’m surprised he didn’t puke on you in your Twitter picture. Nothing would make me happier if you were castrated and crucified.
That being said, I was surprised when Punte from With Leather posted this link and you didn’t see it. All you do is read Deadspin and With Leather and post the one story where you can make a fart joke. I mean what more could a moron like you ask for? Retards playing basketball! Weeeeee!
I’m sorry I took so much of your time. I’m sure that it is happy hour at some bar that is 23 for guys, 18 for girls to party. And they don’t proof the 18 year olds. Hell, I bet you are even too cheap to roofie. You probably just club them like the caveman you are. They can’t say no, if you don’t ask. Scumbag.
Sincerely,
Get a Hobby
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Dear Dad Get a Hobby,
First off, I don’t appreciate you stealing threats from Tony Kornheiser! That is awful. Secondly, I heard when you were born, some one walked by your mom and said “Look at that cunt coming out of that cunt’s cunt!” (Much better to steal from Louis CK). Third, this is just sad. There is nothing worse than false hope and what you are doing is just spreading it to their family. By family, of course, I mean the Palins. I can’t believe she squeezed out enough retards to have a basketball scrimmage. How much drinking does she do during pregnancy? Who knows, they might not ALL be her kids. I thought I even saw Levi Johnston try to go for a lay up. For Christ’s sake. #13 looked exactly like chubby little Bristol.
Though, I don’t know if I really mind this. It’s not like they are forcing normal kids to go against these kids and high five their snot covered fingers. On the other hand, that could make it worse. The kids with mild talent think they are All-Stars. You see that kid who looked like Sloth from The Goonies little brother dribble through 5 bumbling idiots? Those lumbering, meaty breasted nothings didn’t even make an attempt for a steal! In a close game like that, I would like to see a hard foul. Something along the lines of a lobotomy. Maybe that would straighten those kids out. I mean he already had the worst hair cut I’ve seen since JFK, post-assassination and shaving is half the battle.
And what was with #8′s sweatband? Do they even have sweat glands? I thought they just pant like puppies? My God, how did they fill the stands? Did they pass out free blowjobs during halftime? That was more people than went to my high school team’s games. I would rather watch someone I love get raped by Patrick Ewing and the old Knicks than a bunch of mongoloids slobber all over some orange rubber.
My last question? Who cleans up the drool? Do they have a mop for that? That shit is tough to get out, you know, when my dog drools on the floor. Sometimes it’s not that bad. When your mom drools on my dick, I just wipe it on your sister’s teddy bear. Done deal.
