Once again, I’ve been emailed by a Logician with an important story that needs to be addressed. This particular issue has weighed heavy on my heart and I tried laying it to the side but it was again brought to my attention and therefor, it cannot be ignored. Not to mention I’m in a bad mood and going to let some one have it. As always, my email address is HatedHero11@gmail.com if you have any tips or submissions. Here’s the letter in its entirety in italics, followed by my response in bold:
Dear Logic (or should I say “Greenman” LOLz!),
Hello and thank you for fielding my letter. This is very important. I’m sorry to interrupt your hectic sports month with the Yankees being in the World Series and all…I think it’s very cool that you take the time out to answer all your fan mail from us Logicians!
Now, to get to my question. I’ve noticed that there is this big “pandemic” lately, something called “swine flu”? I guess. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not a sinner and I wouldn’t get sick like that because God loves me. I don’t know what type of evil these people have in their bodies but it is obviously very strong if something minuscule like “the flu” will kill them! Am I right? I know what you’re thinking, Logic (Ed. Note: Trust me. You have no idea). I’m not a bad person. You, your the bad person. I just need help on this issue because seeing it (and laughing)makes me think that I’m being a bad person. Anyway, here’s the video:
Now Logic, I have a few questions:
Is it bad to say that I would still have sex with her?
Is she still a good cheerleader?
Is it worth it just to die with the flu?
That black reporter seemed smug. Well, I guess that’s not a question.
What’s amazing about this? Does she recover? They just show her struggle.
Logic, I have many more. But I understand that your time is money and the Yankees got Sabathia on the bump. So, please get back to me whenever you get a chance.
Sincerely,
CheerFever
Dear CheerFever,
First off, that is a truly despicable pen-name for this situation. I commend you.
/swigs whiskey
I’m in no mood for any of this garbage. I’ve been having a bad few weeks because despite the Yankees in the World Series, I truly only care about Football and Notre Dame has no shot at a big bowl game. As well as the Giants losing 3 weeks in a row. I also have some personal issues that I won’t bore you with. (crowd cheers) Oh, real mature. You guys are about as cool as a bag of dicks.
Now, to get to your letter…I don’t think it is mean of you to say that you would still sex her down (Ed. Note: syndrome that is! Wakka Wakka Wakka!). I’m sure she would actually appreciate the compliment. You know her husband hasn’t given her any since she turned into a mongoloid. That guy is probably thinking about the raw deal he got. “Wow, I can’t believe I married such a hot woman who aspires to be a professional football cheerleader! What a lucky guy I am” is what I imagine he said on his wedding day. And then he cheated on her once and POW! Now he has medical bills and drooling to deal with. As for your second question, I would think that she is a bad cheerleader. She can barely gum mashed potatoes without passing out, what makes you think she can do a cartwheel? Even though she does look like she could do a cool little dance if she wanted to. Speaking of which:
I would imagine that dying of swine flu would have been a crueler fate because look, now she is being parodied on the internet and people are wondering if this is “karma” for when she made fun of the uncool kids in High School. I wish people that judge your entire life based on high school would get a disease worse than this. Something where they shit themselves a lot. Because then they’d get made fun of. That is true karma. And yes, that black reporter seemed like a smug jerkoff that likes white girls.
And lastly, I would argue that there is NOTHING amazing about this story. At all. It just seems like news media was just using her as something to scare people away from the flu shot. It’s sad. It’s sad that it happened to a fine piece of ass like that. If it happened to Clint Howard? Who cares. He probably walks around like that anyway. Or at least like Smiegel from Lord of the Rings.
Hurrr Hurrr I'm Clint Howard
But let’s be realistic. Cheerleaders are supposed to look like this:
And that broad does not look like this anymore. I think that Swine Flu is going to help our society in the long run, because since no one is working on my idea to re-animate Charles Darwin and give him a Gattling Gun so we need something to take out the assholes and retards of the universe to create a stronger race of humans. Kind of like a sidekick to colon cancer. We are the highest on the food chain, but what happens when the dinosaurs come back? Huh? Then what are you going to do, mister?
It’s that time again. One of the rare moments of the year that baseball importance eclipses football importance. Don’t worry it will go back to the correct way shortly. As anyone who follows sports in the slightest sense knows, its the defending champs, the Philadelphia Phillies taking on the team with the highest payroll and best record in baseball, the New York Yankees. Now, you may be asking yourself: “What are you going to tell me about the World Series that I didn’t already hear from ESPN or my local sports radio station?” and I’m here to say, “Lose weight before your knees buckle, fatty.”
I almost want to just litter this post with all of the hot WAGs that are in the game (I still think Johari Smith is busted). Or I could talk about the douchebaggery of Jimmy Rollins. Then I could put a positive twist on it and talk about how the old timers like Jeter, Pettite, Rivera and Posada are doing having one last hoorah before they all make their way out of the sport and head to the Hall of Fame. There are many side stories to this game that make it great and really, didn’t you see it coming all along? If you bet 100$ on the Yankees and the Phillies ($200 total) to be in the World Series with the 4 to 1 odds and 17 to 1 odds, you’d now be up $2,100. I wish I would’ve had that cash to blow after the first game of the season.
Well, what I want to give is an unbiased opinion on a position v. position walkthrough of the World Series. Let me stress unbiased. Ok, here’s 1 WAG:
I was trying to get involved with the influx of commentakke over at KSK, but it is busier than normal with Jim Zorn’s job on the line. It’s been said that he was just feeding pigeons on the sideline and using his headset to make sure his direct deposit went through.
A quick update on my money league fantasy team; it didn’t get fucked over by a top performer as much as it got fucked over by BYE weeks and the Bellichick RB committee carries to the wrong guy. Who’d have thunk that Kevin Faulk would get 3 touches after the 2 of the top 5 RBs are down? I’m glad I didn’t give my fantasy advice for the week, because I would have gotten you 5 points.
Anywho, my team in this league got beaten by itself. My top performer was a QB who threw for 5 TDs and 0 INTs and somehow managed only 29 points and Minnesota’s defense got me 0 points for the second time this year. Well, here we go…
Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at HatedHero11@gmail.com and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. This time? It’s both. Now this may come as a shocker to you but I personally know Marni Phillips. I have known her ever since Steve was the Mets’ General Manager and they were always out and about on Long Island. While Steve and I became close, we went out to Crobar and to Scores but he also invited me to his house for the after parties and that’s where I met Marni. She was a sweetheart and we remained in touch after Steve left the Mets and went to ESPN. So to make a long story short, Marni is a reader of The Gally Blog and saw my Using Logic segment and sent me an email, this is what she said to me…
October is here. And what does that mean? Comparisons to Reggie Jackson and playoff Baseball. The beginning of the basketball/hockey seasons and lastly where everyone begins to get nervous about the NFL playoffs or BCS championship. Though, another event overshadows all of the rest, most important October Event? Halloween. This is a crazy time of year. This is when guys usually dress up in some amazing/funny costumes and (hot) girls dress up in skimpy/slutty outfits in an attempt to show their body off one last time before winter. Fat girls are encouraged to dress up funny as well. The Gally Blog (especially yours truly) is very interested in your Halloween Costumes. We prefer 1 of 3 ways: gross, sexy or funny. Send all ideas/pictures to HatedHero11@Gmail.com and you shall be added to the post. Examples you ask?
Once again my Fantasy Football Team went against a top contender (Ben Roethlisberger) and got screwed over. So in our fucked up league, the Special Teams touchdowns go to the Defense instead of the player… But the player still gets return yardage points? So I started Eddie Royal. Needless to say, he got my opponent 12 points for his return touchdowns and only 6 points for me.
You throw in the fact that Philadelphia ruined a $150, 3-team Parlay that I was going to hit if they could beat the worst team in the league by 2 TDs like the Giants did and the fact that the Jets knocked me out of my suicide pool. And Logic is not very happy. Oh and did we mention that Notre Dame, New York Giants and Yankees all lost within 3 days of each other? Yeah. I’ve been cutting myself since Saturday and our cunt crack team of writers has been reminding me of it all day.
Btw: I’m getting destroyed in this league as well due to BYE weeks. Just as a p.s.
Top Performers:
QB: Tom Brady- Owned by Punter and Brandon. Have you heard of Tom Brady? He’s this no-name QB out of Michigan who split time and got drafted with the 199th pick overall. He’s supposed to suck. Doesn’t he get it? Well he threw 6 touchdowns yesterday and 380 yards. Most of that in 1 quarter of football. Pretty much all of it before half-time.
QB: Drew Brees-375 total yards and 4 TDs for the near perfect Brees against the Gmen. Hope your real proud of yourself, Tunison.
QB: Ben Roethlisberger- 428 total yards, 2 TD and 1 INT for Shiancock.
QB: Matt Schaub- 392 yards 3 TDs and 1 INT for Dr. Kra.
RB: Ray Rice- Owned by P/b. 184 total yards and 2 TDs for their bench. HA! That’s what you get for being an important blogger and going to Las Vegas without me!
RB: MJD: 178 total yards, 3 TDs and 1 lost fumble for Andrew Bucholtz. Even though he still hasn’t listened to Uncle Logic and started Joshua Cribbs yet…
RB: Thomas Jones- 227 total yards and 1 TD in the pathetic loss to the Bills for Max Payne.
RB: dEaNGELO Williams- 172 yards and 2 TDs for Max as well.
WR: Randy Moss- 129 yards and 3 TDs in the brutal beat down of the Titans for Rob from WI.
WR: Marques Colston- 166 yards and 1 TD in the rout of my Giants. Owned by Flubby.
WR: Welkahhh- 150 yards and 2 TDs as the security binky for Tom Brady and Ape.
WR: Eddie Royal- Owned by Gally. This lucky Canadian some how started him in this league which DOES get points for return yards and TDs… So that’s twice I’m fucked with this one.
Bad Starts:
Miles Austin and Ronnie Brown- Owned by P/b. They both had Byes. These guys were in Vegas so fuck us right?
Steve Smith (Carolina)- Bucholtz- Got him 0.40 points in the run happy offense of the Panthers. Even though the Giants Steve Smith didn’t play well either, he didn’t play this bad.
Willis McGahee- Owned by James Brown. Earned him less than a point.
Matt Hasselbeck- Gimp… in the week of the QBs you manage to earn 1.68 points. You need a shit ton of ritalin and a fantasy guide my friend…
Nate Washington- Had -22 yards receiving for Punter and Brandon. They’ve made this list a lot today…
Julius Jones, Mercedes Lewis- Flubby, Jones had 5 yards for you. I have more ether rags than that. Lewis? Yep. 5 yards as well. Combined for a point.
Rob Bironas- Nailed 0 points for James Brown during the shut out in New England.
Denver- Somehow has -5 points for Ape even though they only gave up 24 points and have 1 sack. I don’t know what that’s about.
Bad Sits:
Ray Rice- Owned by P/b. He could have started for Ronnie Brown and he had 184 total yards and 2 TDs.
Jon Stewart (not the funny/handsome one)- Owned by Rob. Had his breakout performance of the year with 110 yards and 1 TD. Who was going to predict that? I sure as hell wouldn’t. But I needed to fill space. Sorry Rob.
Zach Miller- Maximus sat him during his 139 yard, 1 TD performance. He was most likely the sole reason the Raiders beat the Eagles. Well that and Andy Reid spilling mustard all over his play sheet.
Good Starts:
Eddie Royal- Gally lucked out with this one, in his otherwise unimpressive week against a poor wittle team with BYE week troubles. I guess every dog has his day. Maybe he’ll touch a boob soon?
Good Sits:
New York Giants- Flubby has the Giants and didn’t start them v. the Powerhouse that is New Orleans. Unfortunately, I’m not that keen of a fantasy player and started them in my money league because of that whole #1 defense ranking and all. So what happens when an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object? Let’s just say something fucking moved.
Reggie Wayne, Marion Barber, Tashard Choice, Vernon Davis, Nacho Sanchez and Chansi Stuckey- Owned by Logic. Great sits for me. All combined for .36 of a point. (4 had a BYE, I just really wanted to make my own list).
Pick Up of the Week
This week I’m going with Tom Brady. If he’s open in your league… Grab this guy! Just kidding. No one flew under the radar this week and therefore I don’t have a pick of the week (Jermichael Finley didn’t have a break out week. He just played OKAY for Dr. Kra who did take my advice, which I like. P.S. More like JERKmichael, am I right Doc?)
Ok that wraps it up for me. Of course the Monday night game is still going on and if you didn’t start Eddie Royal or Darren Sproles you were a silly goose. Or in my money leagues’ case, Broncos and Chargers.
I Know She Has Nothing To Do With This... Just Shut Up, Ok?
Happy Thursday, ladies and gentlemen. Thursday is a magical time. College kids start drinking because they have Friday off (or at least the smart ones), it’s now 8 hours of work until Friday and you get to Use Logic and Win Money. Today has one decent game on to watch. Which is rough if it sucks. Which means you have nothing better to do than comment on this magnificent section of The Gally Blog and tell me your thoughts. Especially your dirty ones. But most importantly? Thursday also means it’s time to get your picks in:
Gambling Addiction? (home team in ALL CAPS)
(note: I’ve been called out on my handicapping ability so extra games are added.)
Suicide Pool: New York Jets
NFL Best Bet: PACKERS (-13.5) over the Lions
NCAA Best Bet: ARIZONA (-4) over Stanford
Possible NFL Upset of the Week: Broncos (+3.5) over the CHARGERS
NCAA Possible Upset of the Week: Iowa (+2.5) over WISCONSIN
And just because it’s sexy: NOTRE DAME (+10) over University Southern California… Heisman Candidate Sweet Jim Clausen gets ND into a BCS bowl over USC and their Freshman QB on the road in this rivalry match.
Dbag Challenge: STEELERS (-14) over the Browns. Eagles (-14) over the RAIDERS. PATRIOTS (-9) over the Titans
Fantasy Football Advice: Well, my first pick would be Dennis Northcutt- WR- Detroit Lions. If Megatron is out, the overrated WR will step in as the #1 threat for the weak Lions. That didn’t sound too confident, did it? Well that is just if Megatron doesn’t play. So Jermichael Finley- TE- Green Bay Packers (who is playing those weak Lions) is my Fantasy Pick of the Week. He had a break out performance before the BYE v. Minnesota in which he showed great hands and speed as well as a reliable check down receiver for Aaron Rodgers who has been running for his life and may or may not be BJ Novak.
The NFL season is at it’s 1/3 mark and I’m already thinking playoffs. Why? Because I’m a douche bag. There. I said it. Build a bridge and get over it. Now, I just put a lot of work into this. It’s called “Confidence Picks”. I heard it on ESPN Radio today and this is my variation of it. I took the NFL team ranking of Passing Offense, Rushing Offense, Passing Defense and Rushing Defense and Coaching (objective ranking, of course); then I added the numerical value of all of these rankings for one set number. The lowest number is the Confident Pick to win the Super Bowl. Get it?
Okay, that’s the list. Obviously the Titans have a tough road ahead of them to win the Super Bowl, but they have two aspects of their game in the top 10 of the NFL. You can just tell that their Passing Defense is killing them by coming in at 31st in the league. The Vikings would be much higher on the list if they had a coach that ANYONE who watches the NFL would call “decent”, but that’s a stretch and he probably couldn’t coach my high school team (we were 3-5 my senior year). On the other hand, at the top of the list are 3 undefeated teams, so my system was fairly accurate compared to “an analyst” who came out with Power Rankings.
There you have it. You can do the math yourself if you want (with the NFL.com rankings). Or if you would prefer not destroying hours of your life like I did, any and all stats will be available upon request by email or in the comments section. Especially the rankings I gave the “coaching” due to the subjective nature. Just for reference, Bill Bellichick is #1 and Brad Childress is #32. And Rex Ryan’s coaching ability may or may not have been influenced by this.
*p.s. Giants didn’t get #2 in coaching to get a higher ranking. They got 13.
Like always, my fantasy league that is for money has to get hit by an unstoppable force. (See: Week 1 Drew Brees or Week 4 Rashard Mendenhall), this week it was Michael Turner for 3 TDs, not to mention a Calvin Johnson injury and an Aaron Rodgers BYE. But here is the Sports Bloggers Fantasy Breakdown of Week 5. I decided to get all in-depth on your monkey asses because we’re almost a 1/3 of the season in.
Relax, he's not really dead. Not for a lack of hopeful thinking though.
Logic: Hello, I’m Logic and I’ll be your Roastmaster General tonight. I welcome you all, and for those of you that don’t know, this is the Brett Favre Roast. Or Roast of Brett Favre. Whatever. It’s more like a cremation, anyway. You old bastard. If you try to take a dive and give one of the Giants a sack record this year, Osi Umenyiora might re-injure his leg on your walker. Do you think it’s weird that you could be Josh McDaniel’s daddy? It must have been weird with Eric Mangini last year, huh? So that means you were basically Rommel? Man, going to the Jets was such a bad career move. The last time I saw someone ruin their legacy that fast an 11 year-old ripped off Michael Jackson’s nose in self-defense. What the hell were you thinking? You have this amazing streak of playing all these games through injury, but people don’t realize that you were bad in half of those games. Yeah. Congrats on having one good season, Brett. No, I don’t want to hear it. You won one Super Bowl. You’re like a Trent Dilfer that couldn’t take the hint.
[camera shoots to Trent Dilfer chuckling like a bald idiot.]
And that broad does not look like this anymore. I think that Swine Flu is going to help our society in the long run, because since no one is working on my idea to re-animate Charles Darwin and give him a Gattling Gun so we need something to take out the assholes and retards of the universe to create a stronger race of humans. Kind of like a sidekick to colon cancer. We are the highest on the food chain, but what happens when the dinosaurs come back? Huh? Then what are you going to do, mister?
