OK everyone, settle down. Yes, this is a bad long awaited post from PJD, but I just had to share this with someone.
Three people are aware that I usually just write about Minnesota Vikings football over at Purple Jesus Diaries, and occasionally I share funny stories, sports humor, and swear words at this here blog. Mostly, I’ve shared things around college football. That is largely because I melt like a a stick of butter on your moms tits whenever I see anything related to college football. Gameday music? Erection. Marching bands playing school songs? Weak in the knees. Co-ed girls stripping and having threesomes? That is sometimes OK too.
As the college season ends, however, I get a little sad and really tend to grab on to things like the above posted video, which is of the University of Hawaii marching band CREATING A KICKER, AND THEN KICKING A FOOTBALL. I cannot stress enough how fantastic this is. The stick figure is true schtick (eh?!) and even the form is fantastic. His gallop towards the ball, the spreading of his arms as he kicks, the planting of the foot and extension and follow through with the ball … Damn. You ever see anything like this in the NFL? No! You just see roofs collapsing and quarterbacks committing suicide because they don’t know how to live without football. GAY. This, this is awesome.
Boomer Esiason is quite clearly known for one thing, and one thing only; having a first name synonymous with a fart. What, you never called farts “Boomers” in your household? Were your parents gay? Oh, I guess he played football for a while too, but it was with the Bengals back during the Civil War, so no one remembers or cares. All of this makes it even more suspicious why people are talking to him in this day and age. Recently, Fart-Man had this to say about the NFL’s most awesome team in recent history (The Jets, for you fat Colts fans):
CBS’ Boomer Esiason says the New York Jets have gained “the perception of a frat house gone wild,” and it “has to fall at the feet” of coach Rex Ryan. But Ryan, in a taped feature on NBC Sunday, told Bob Costas: “I’m not concerned about how I’m viewed.”
Hey, Boom-Boom, shut your fucking mouth. No one cares what you have to say about anything, ever, and you have the gall to get all huffy and puffy about the Jets shower pounding Ines Sainz, saying FUCK on TV like a real American, and using hilarious racial epithet’s when referring to the wet back Sanchez? Way to ruin everyone’s fun, you dildo queen. It’s open sores like you that ruin the NFL for everyone else, you and Tony Dungy burning gays at the stake. The sooner you all die from shattered knees, the better.
Boomer Esiason is now my least favorite player, ever. At least guys like Emmitt Smitch, Steve Young, and Keyshawn Johnson on TV have the decency to be black.
While I may simply be rehashing Purple Jesus Diaries stuff, I am doing so for a reason, that being because the people that read The Gally Blog – like yourself! – are way fucking funnier than those who read my site. So I’m counting on you, assholes! – PJD
Brett Favre is old. Really old. I mean, Brett Favre is so old, only the Nile River remembers his 20th birthday! :drumroll: … He’s also rickety, and when you put old and rickety together that’s not usually a very good combination. You usually end up with things like foreclosed homes, the Parthenon, or Sharon Stone’s vagina. BOOM ROASTED. Or you end up with things like Brett Favre’s ankle which, apparently after only two preseason games and a total of, what, 10 series, is already an issue for Favre. In the lofty writer Peter King’s most recent Monday Morning Quarterback column, he writes:
After his so-so eight series Saturday night on the hard floor of Mall of America Field …, Favre went into the trainers’ room in the Vikes’ locker room and got an injection of lubricant in the left ankle that has three times been operated on to remove loose bodies. “Like a grease fitting,” he said.
Noted orthopedist Dr. James Andrews did the most recent surgery May 22, with an interested party in the operating theater: Deanna Favre. “They took out a cup full of stuff — bone and all these other loose bodies,” Brett Favre said Saturday night.
A cup full of stuff. Re-read that and consider taking a cup full of stuff out of any place on your own body, let alone your ankle. That’s fucking sick. But that’s not all. Do you want to know what was in that cup that was full of random items from Brett Favre’s ankle? Of course you do. More details then after the jump …
Apparently furious with Ben Roethlisberger for snagging all the ugly chicks in Pennsylvania, Steelers head coach and Omar Epps look alike, Mike Tomlin, apparently decided to go out and one up his quarterback by getting wasted with a bunch of unattractive white girls himself. According to a probably unreliable source:
Long story short, a group of girls … were bragging how they partied with Pittsburgh Steelers Head Coach, Mike Tomlin. They said he was nuts and got wasted. Here are the pictures to prove it.
Ha ha ha, of course he got wasted. Imagine how very little he had to work on these ladies? This looks like a night where you’d be filing your belly up with the ever-special rail drinks. And can we ask, what’s with the beret? And the Ecko wear? It’s almost enough to make me pleased that the Vikings kept Childress instead of Tomlin. Childress never wore something like that …
The Big XII had a bit of a renaissance in 2009. Old powers rose again in Nebraska, rivalries were renewed in the South, and Colorado was reminded of their place by being a horrible, horrible football team. Just like they should be. In the offseason, the romantic winds of change blew up the conference’s skirt as it was looking to establish itself as perhaps the second most relevant NCAA football conference outside of the SEC. That is, until Missouri started flirting with the Big 10, Colorado ran to the Pac10, Nebraska ended up being the school to move to the Big 10, Texas threatened to leave for the west as well, and Texas A&M almost headed to SEC country. When all was said and done, the Big XII was left weak, with doubts about it’s future, and a clear center of power in Austin, Texas.
But this isn’t the place to discuss conference realignment. There is some real, genuine, college football that is starting up soon. There are crowds in Kansas that are prepping to wave their arms like a cornfield. There are people in Lubbuck who are curious about their new coach. There are fans in Norman looking forward to a rebirth of their team. And fans all across the Big XII are prepping for one last swan song, one final send off for Colorado and Nebraska before the Big XII as we know it dissolves. Will there be blood? Oh yeah. Buckets of it enough to satisfy a Twilight Mom. So let’s get this college football season started, with a Big XII preview.
This is an article about the current Minnesota Timberwolves General Manager, David Kahn. If you even peripherally follow the NBA, or masturbate to laminated pages of Bill Simmons’ self congratulatory books, than you have probably joined the rest of the major sports media in yelling “KAAAAHHHNNN!!!” and laughing about the Wolves signing Darko Milicic, drafting only PGs in 2009 and SFs in 2010, trading Al Jefferson low, and drafting a potentially franchise changing PG in Ricky Rubio, who OF COURSE will never come to a stupid place like Minnesota!
If you are that person, you’re also probably the same idiot that reads Rick Reilly religiously, really enjoys the new Transformer movies, thought Indian Jones 4 was the pinnacle of filmmaking, can’t wait for the next All-American Rejects album, think auto tuning is the greatest thing to happen to music ever, and cried when The Hills ended. In other words, you’re a complete moron who can’t think for yourself and I would like to tell you just how stupid and wrong you are. Because I obviously know better, you see.
I apologize if I get off topic a bit here in talking about movies instead of sports and forced sexual relations, but there is something I’ve had to get off my chest this week; namely, the hypocrisy that is middle aged women who fawn over under aged boys by fantasizing and fainting over the Twilight movie saga.
Women, your actions are purely disgusting. While I have mostly tried to stay away from this prepubescent explosion of strange feelings that women get for these movie boys, the fact that the Twilight movies and their collection of dashing and hunky young men who CLEARLY are too young for these Twilight-Moms, has grabbed the national consciousness has forced my hand and drawn my own attention. And I’ve noticed several things. First, the movies look absolutely terrible and I am disgusted that such intelligent and courageous women who’s own parents fought for your right to vote, work, and wear pants is being embarrassed by this classless fawning over physical male specimens that are thrice your age.
A tremor shook the NFL landscape yesterday as the results of former Bengals wide receiver, the late Chris Henry, autopsy were reported. In the findings were indications that Henry, who died in a tragic car accident December 17, 2009, was already suffering from a form of chronic brain disease called chronic traumatic encephalopathy. These results come at a time when the NFL is too slowly forcing the light on the violence of their own sport, addressing concussions and head injuries in a game played between human weapons. Players around the league were shocked, and voiced their concern, both for Henry and the state of the game.
“It’s truly frying grease that the NFL would allow such ex-squeezingly talented players to continue in such a caveman ear attitude when add dressing life correcting injuries while playing this marmalade game” Said former running back, Emmitt Smith.
Hello, new Big 10 family. It is quite enjoyable to be joining your ranks of academic excellence and storied NCAA sporting tradition. The Nebraska Cornhuskers and the entire University of Nebraska-Lincoln is excited to enter your conference on good terms and amiable handshakes. You have no idea what it’s like to go from a conference where other lesser schools and teams (Missouri, Kansas, etc.) cupped one larger university’s balls (Texas) while they performed yearly fellatio. Hey, I love a good cupping as much as the next guy, but it got a bit out of control. It doesn’t appear to be this way in the Big 10, which we respect and appreciate each other over fine brandy and tightly rolled cigars. People genuinely seem to get along. Except of course with Iowa. Fucking Iowa.
As a new school in the conference which brings a large fan base though, there may be some confusion as to who is who and how they match up with our previous opponents. So as a friendly introduction, The Gally Blog’s resident Nebraska fan that lives in Big 10 country will gladly assist in walking former Big 12 fans into the new Big 10, and draw similarities where similarities are due. Disagree? Add your take in the comments. But without further ado, let me bridge Nebraska fans from one conference to the next …
Blogkakke is our collection of the latest and greatest to grace the Internets. If you have something for here or just want to ask us what it’s like being Nebraska fans and always having life be like a throbbing morning erection, there’s always the comment section or you could try sending things to tops@thegallyblog.com
Musical Interlude:
Linkage:
Yahoo! Sports:Wooooooo it be official, mang. Nebraska is in the Big 10. I know college athletic support is obnoxious and everyone thinks they’re the best, but really, YOU FUCKERS HAVE NO IDEA THE PAIN WE’RE GOING TO BRING.
Deadspin:Someone went digging through the SI vault images to pull out this awesome picture of two guys fighting over a ham, I’m guessing. At an old World Cup game, of course.
Big 10 Twit Pics:It looks like the Big 10 has already started some rearranging. Wait, is this a hint at new Big 10 divisions?!?! … Probably not.
SBNation:You know what tomorrow afternoon is? Revolution Time! Get yourself pumped up for England v. America. Again. We have a pretty decent track record. How is it in soccer? I don’t actually know.
io9:Women are true manipulators and whores. Scientifically proven, I mean. Hey, don’t blame me, I didn’t cross tabulate that data to reach this result. Look in a mirror, missy.
Statesman:It sounds like with NU heading to the Big 10 that other Big 12 teams area making a run to the Pac 10. Enjoy that bi-annual trip to Washington, Texas! Suckers.
With Leather:Do you know nothing about soccer but still want to cheer for someone in the World Cup? Me too. With Leather will catch you up on it all.
Kotaku:I’m certain none of you still play this, but Rock Band 3 has a keyboard. ZOMG! Huey Lewis discography please? Thanks.
WWTDD: Did Sarah Palin get implants? Short answer; no. Longer answer, Palin, you will need to prove this to me by letting me feel your breasts before I punch your Pikachu.
