Well, hello Saint Patrick’s Day. How nice of you to come around again and provide a reason for ginger haired Irish bastards to think that they’re more than smut and for giving a reason for everyone else in the world to drink unabashedly. Today we’re not alcoholics, we’re just celebrating heritage!
It's funny because the cat is drinking beer!
Well not me, because I work all day and have school all night. And I’m not Irish either, because I’m mildly attractive, you see. But that doesn’t mean that I’m all business, oh no. Instead, I am willing to start a meme to keep everyone’s interest today for no other reason than because, if you’re stuck doing boring shit like I am today, than you may need to find an appropriate way to waste time. So here we go. I’m sure many of you have done this before, but what are some of the shortest books that could ever possibly be written? For example, “Respecting your wife and family” by Tiger Woods. Oh hey, a Tiger Woods joke, right after he announced that he’ll be returning to play the Masters! Hilarious! But you get the idea.
I’ll start us off with some probably not very funny examples, just to get the ball rolling for the real comedians around here to chime in. But if you’re around or lucky enough to not have to work today, join in on the fun. Here goes:
Well shit. We’ve just dropped into a sports deadzone here (unless you like hockey, but then you can just move to Canada, you asshole) where NBA basketball is still too early in the season to be excited for the playoffs, the Olympics are over, and the only good thing about the NFL is that I get to touch myself to 20 – 24 year old men running around in shorts. Hm? Our only saving grace is to get oddly intrigued about the possibility for baseball. Now, if you think I’m going to do some patsy fantasy baseball preview, or division breakdowns, or World Series predictions, then you’re damned crazy. I care about baseball only in that it’s a sport to excuse myself from the wifey with. Or, if you’re from Minnesota, entice her with, thanks to Joe Mauer.
I don’t have anything actually insightful to add to this whole thing; I just thought the commercial was a surprisingly funny one and wanted you to all share in laughter with me. Oh, wait, there is one other thing … Fuck you Playstation right in your rumble pack. Jerks. FIX YO’ NETWERK!!1!1!!! Oh. Hurray!
Unlike the rest of the world, I never really get all that aroused by the entire Olympic games. What, we need to have some queens ski down a hill in order to determine national supremecy? I mean, I get the appeal. Fighting for worldwide recognition is pretty sweet (and sticking it to those damn Ruskies is always a good time) but I just don’t know if those national bragging rights still exist in today’s global climate, especially when there’s no Cold Wars, and the entire world is way more jacked for World Cup soccer. That, and like any other asshole American, if it’s not football I don’t really care.
Unless it’s figuring skating. Because once those blades hit the Olympic ice, there aren’t enough ice cubes in my freezer to keep my boner contained.
I can’t explain this romance I have for Olympic figure skating, and really, it’s ONLY Olympic figure skating. What draws me to it are the same things that draw people to any other Olympic sport. Those reasons range from the potential of someone falling and ruining their life long dreams to the tight fitting outifts that are worn by the (probably) 14 year old Chinese girls. RAWR! But you can find that type of appeal in downhill skiing, gymnastics, swimming, and any other number of random Olympic games. Yet for some reason, figuring skating holds my interest more than any of these, HANDS DOWN. (more…)
The past few weeks have been filled with alerts about what types of Super Bowl commercials are supposed to be airing during the big game next Sunday, especially the controversial ones. These notably include the ad that will preach to you about how much Tim Tebow loves to force women to keep a rape baby in their stomachs and then there is this other one for some type of web site dating and matching service. While I think Tebow’s commercial is obnoxious in that I was finally looking forward to one sporting day without him pulling a Favre on me, I finally saw this dating site commercial, thanks to Warming Glow, and took immediate offense. Why? Because it totally wouldn’t happen like that.
Damn, how sick are you of reading about Minnesota sports teams? I would guess probably about as sick as I am of them losing. Since you probably pay more attention than you want to towards them though, and since I am burdened with having to follow these ass hats throughout the years, I have stumbled upon an interesting trend that has reared it’s ugly head in this hat state (you know, the hat on the Iowa man? … ah forget it). Namely, Minnesota has become the landing sport for aging athletes that have nowhere else to go. Why? Because we’ll pay them what they’re not worth, I guess, but also because the other, typically better, teams have more expensive young talent that has replaced these old saggy balled athletes. Look no further than Brett Favre in the Vikings 2009 season and before him their complete lack of established young quarterback talent. And with the signing this past week of Jim Thome to the Minnesota Twins, this trend has taken on a new life in a different local franchise.
So I’m left to wonder, who will Minnesota sign next? I have my suspect list after the jump.
Those reasons range from the potential of someone falling and ruining their life long dreams to the tight fitting outifts that are worn by the (probably) 14 year old Chinese girls. RAWR! But you can find that type of appeal in downhill skiing, gymnastics, swimming, and any other number of random Olympic games. Yet for some reason, figuring skating holds my interest more than any of these, HANDS DOWN. 
