How to successfully text dong pictures

Poor Brett Favre.  His adventures in reproductive organ image transference appear to have gone horribly awry, and now everyone in the world (including his wife!) knows about it.  So where did he go wrong?  Well, that’s why I’m here to help today.  With the WSR method, you too can successfully send dong pictures to unsuspecting women (or men, Gally)!

1) Be in the same age range.

Brett’s first mistake was sending pictures to someone half his age.  They’re going to be disgusted by it, unless you’re Roger Sterling.  Really, the only way you should be sending cock shots to anyone who isn’t within about 3-5 years of your age is if it’s a woman who’s about 15-20 years older than you.  But for this piece, we’re not going to get into advanced technique.

2) Timing is everything.

Once you’ve got the right target, you need to pick the right time.  Realistically, you need to know when they’re going to want to be looking at a phallus.  That’s why I recommend sending your picture at between 12:45 am and 2 am on a Friday or Saturday.  She’ll probably be out drinking, and that’s the ideal time to strike.  Whatever you do, don’t send some picture on a Monday afternoon of you manhandling yourself while sitting around wearing just a pair of crocs.

3) Make sure you have the right equipment.

Really, the last and most important thing is the one you probably have no control over.  If you can take a picture of your junk and you don’t need to lean back to get it all in the frame, you’re too small.  Delete the picture, and forget everything else you read here.

If you follow these easy steps, you too can embarrass yourself for one and only one person.  But any mistake with any of these steps could lead to national infamy.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: athletes and idiocy, DONG!, The more you know, WSR
Category Random Deviations, Recent, Uncategorized |

Ahem…

WhiteSpeedReceiver Says:  ”Why would anyone in England want to look at Landycakes?”

August 13th, 2008, 3:49 pm

I’m stupid, you’re smart. I was wrong, you were right. You’re the best, I’m the worst. You’re very good-looking, I’m not attractive.

That was just one of many times over the past few years I’ve shared my opinion of Landycakes.  Hell, I own this shirt.  It really took a turn after his, ahem, “performance” in Germany in 2006.  It took me a little while to come around, but he’s been simply astounding for the past year or two.  Once again, sorry Landycakes.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Landon Donovan, Landycakes, Soccer, USA, World Cup
Category Random Deviations |

Morning After Pill – 6/24

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

FIFA World Cup

United States 1 Algeria 0

England 1 Slovenia 0

Germany 1 Ghana 0

Australia 2 Serbia 1

NHL

Last night’s NHL Award show from Las Vegas was absolutely painful to watch.  Fortunately, there were 2 high points: Duncan Keith completely ignoring the “wrap it up” music and continuing to go on and on until the NHL just cut to a different camera, and a video clip with Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf.

MLB

Interleague play still sucks dong.  It’s completely competitively balanced.  The Royals defeated Stephen Strasburg and the Royals.  Since they’re in the same division, I’m sure the Twins will get a shot at the Royals, right?  (The answer is no because Bud Selig is a mouthbreathing douchenozzle that should be choked to death with used buttplugs procured from gay porn.)  Oh, and  congratulations to the Royals for giving Strasberg his first loss, 1-0.

NFL

Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything.

Brad Childress is still a complete retard.  It takes a special kind of moron to make me miss the tactical brilliance of Mike Tice.

Redhead

Ahhh, 1997.

Remember when Gillian Anderson was hot?  It’s a shame she was wasted just being on that show with David Duchovney.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: MLB, Morning After Pill, NFL, NHL, Redhead, WSR
Category Uncategorized |

The Morning After Pill – 6/15

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Alyson Hannigan, Brett Favre, Bud Selig, Gary Bettman, World Cup, WWE
Category Morning After Pill |

Morning After Pill – 6/10

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

NHL

Congratulations, mouthbreathers.

As a Minnesotan, I am not allowed to like Chicago sports.  It’s the rules, not anything personal.  So a begrudging congratulations to the Blackhawks on winning the Stanley Cup in a 4-3 overtime thriller.  Once again last night, we saw why the NHL playoffs are the best in American sports.  Skill and passion were everywhere in this one.  Sadly, the only thing that was missing in the game as a whole was exceptional goaltending.  As it was a game won by the Blackhawks, I am required by law to link to this: Dagger.  If anyone you know watched this game and still isn’t a hockey fan, ostracize their incompetent ass.  You should associate with morons like that, anyway.

And now, I leave my NHL roundups for the season with this picture and a tip of my cap to Philadelphia fans, who were boisterously booing Gary Bettman while he was awarding the Stanley Cup to Chicago.

MLB

Minnesota Twins 6 Royals 2 Carl Pornvano had a solid outing, allowing 2 runs over 8 innings.  Kansas City is terrible.

Look at that thing. It's glorious.

Also around the league, it was Sodomy Night:

Cleveland 11 Boston 0

Tampa Bay 10 Toronto 1

Chicago Bitch Sox 15 Detroit 3

Texas 12 Seattle 2

Chicago Cubs 9 Milwaukee 4

And finally, 6 people attended last night’s Pirates-Nationals games.  All six of these unfortunate souls had been handcuffed to their chair while passed out drunk the night before during StrausJesus’s performance, and couldn’t escape.

NFL

Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything.

College Football

Yesterday was full of college football news.

*Nebraska may or may not have all but joined the Big Howeverthehellmany.  As a member of the conference, I’m more than willing to welcome the Cornhuskers to our group.  Since I was expecting your arrival, I made you guys a cake.  Go ahead, try it.  Good, huh?  What do you mean the chocolate “tastes a little funny?”  Eat up.  Yeah, I did use something exotic in it: ex-lax.  Fuck you, Nebraska Football.  We’re not even yet.

* USC is going to be getting the fucking hammer.  Quite honestly, this pleases me greatly.  2 year bowl ban, recruiting sanctions, and scholarship reductions are about right for one of the dirtiest programs of the last decade since the NCAA refuses to give out the death penalty anymore.

NBA

Like the integrity of the league, there’s nothing here.<

Redhead (more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Big 12, Big Ten, Chicago Blackhawks, Julianne Moore, Minnesota Twins, Morning After Pill, Nebraska Cornhuskers, Philadelphia Flyers, Redheads, USC, WSR
Category Morning After Pill |

The Morning After Pill – 6/8

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

NHL

Nothing happened last night.  That doesn’t mean Gary Bettman isn’t more useless than a cock at a Lilith Fair.

MLB

Minnesota Twins: Did Not Play

The MLB draft was yesterday.  Gally apparently shares my opinion of it.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t watch any of it, though.  I tuned in a couple times to see if God was just and fair, and had struck down that asshole used car salesman of a commissioner yet.

NFL

Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything.

According to PJD, the people of Green Bay may have a reason to hate Brad Childress (as opposed to their normal attitude of absolute glee that he’s the Vikings head coach because he’s Bettman-level retarded.)

NBA

You didn’t expect me to put anything here, did you?

Redhead

Oh, to be a watermelon.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Morning After Pill, Redheads, WSR
Category Uncategorized |

The Morning After Pill – I’M LATE! edition

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

Holy shit, I’M LATE!  I’ve been screaming that all morning.  Fortunately for me, the fiancée has not been screaming that.  Anyway, this is an abridged version because I’m not supposed to show up to work an hour late any more, and I obliged today: I showed up an hour and five minutes late.

NHL

Hell of a game between Danny Carcillo, errrr the Blackhawks and the Flyers.  Chicago ends up winning 2-1, taking a 2-0 lead in the series, and they’ve never really looked like they’ve not been in control.  To say that Philadelphia’s on the ropes in this one is probably an understatement.  They should be able to steal a game in Philly, but the engraver’s probably already started his work.

Official Gally Blog NHL Story Picture

MLB

The MLB Network aired live the afternoon game between the Rockies and Giants featuring impending NL Cy Young winner Ubaldo Jimenez (he of the high stirrups.  YEAH!) and reigning NL Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum.  One of them looked the part, and it wasn’t Lincecum.  Jimenez pitched a 4-hit 9-strikeout 0-run masterpiece to extend his scoreless inning streak to 26 while lowering his ERA to 0.78.

Other notes: The Indians intentionally walked Mark Teixeira to fill first base to face known blatant cheater Alex Rodriguez.  The dirty whore responded properly by hitting the 20th Grand Slam of his career.

There you go.  No real NFL news, I don’t give a shit about the NBA, and you’ll want to check out Unprofessional Foul and Avoiding the Drop for news on Crystal Palace’s impending demise.  Ugly stuff, folks.  No cheesecake because I didn’t plan ahead.  I apologize, and I’ll make up for it.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Chicago Blackhawks, Crystal Palace, Philadelphia Flyers, Tim Lincecum, Ubaldo Jimenez
Category Morning After Pill |

The Morning After Pill – 5/25/2010

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

NHL

For the first time since they were swept out in the 1997 Finals by the Red Wings, Philadelphia is in the Stanley Cup Finals after downing the Canadians 4-2 at the Wachovia Center.  The Flyers pummeled Montreal in 5 games, and will now get their ass handed to them by the Blackhawks.  Game 1 is Saturday night on NBC, game 2 is Monday night on NBC, and Gary Bettman still sucks more cock than Chasey Lain.

Official Gally Blog NHL Story Picture

MLB

Puck. Because I said so.

Minnesota Twins: Did Not Play

Boston 6 Tampa Bay 1

Cincinnati 7 Pittsburgh 5

Chicago Bitch Sox 7 Cleveland 2

Toronto 6 Los Angeles Angels 0

NFL

Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything

The NFL lost a United States Supreme Court case.  It probably won’t affect you.

NBA

The NBA sucks.  It’s not even basketball anymore.  People more astute than I will point out that it’s probably been that way for at least a decade now. (more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Baseball, Football, Freckles, hockey, NBA
Category Morning After Pill |

Abortions For Some, Tiny American Flags For Others

Guess which one her mom and dad got.

It’s summertime, which can mean only one thing: everyone gets laid.  Yes, even you Gally.

But occasionally something goes wrong.  The condom breaks.  You don’t like the feel of wearing one of those things.  She’s Catholic, but still wants cock tonight.  The next thing you know, you’re saddled with the worst kind of STD known to man: a kid.  Or are you?  Today, I’m here to help you figure out the best way to avoid wasting up to 30 years of your life not getting laid, losing sleep, and bailing the little ingrate out before they can take care of themselves. (more…)

Popularity: 100% [?]

Tags: Comedy, Patriotism, Satire, That's Just Wrong
Category Satire |

Better Know a White Speed Receiver

There I am. Right there. The one in the yellow shirt.

Since this spectacular little corner of the internet is turning one, we all get to re-introduce ourselves.

(more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Accountants are sexy, Hello, I'm just like PJD, Minnesota, Posts no one will read, Vikings
Category Introductions |