Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday December 31st 2011

‘Am I Wrong?’ Archive

Nike, Get Your Lawyers On the Phone!

Yeah, it’s Groundhog Day and I feel like I’m reliving something. Hmm, this Gillette commercial sure does sound familiar.

Where on earth do I remember it from? (more…)

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In Honor of Parks and Recreation’s Return Tonight

I know this isn’t new, but it’s about the most ridiculously addictive thing ever.

Good luck unsticking that from your head. Sorry.

Popularity: 1% [?]


Bills Fandom: You Aren’t Jealous

“We want to get things turned around, but at the same time it’s football teams with grown men laughing at other grown men on the football field. That happened to us in the ball game last week and it happens every time we play New England.”

-Donte Whitner, Bills SS

That quote appeared under the headline “Donte Whitner tired of Bills being laughingstocks” on PFT yesterday. The Bills have been outscored by 32 points in two games, both of which they’ve lost. They haven’t made the playoffs since the Music City Forward Lateral. I’ve been a Bills fan as long as I can possibly remember- Norwood’s kick might be my earliest sports related memory- and I like to think that I’m more rational than most.

Now that that’s out of the way, YOU’RE tired of it Donte? You are? Really? You just play for the damn team and cash paycheck equivalent to my annual salary every week. Being a Bills fan is like being punched in the groin without the promise that the fist will eventually remove itself from you. We draft a RB- a position at which we had two decent starters- with the number 9 pick, name him the starter week 1…and put him third on the depth chart by week 2. Nevermind that the pick was sold to the fan base as “he’s a playmaker” and with an implication of “we have a plan for him”, clearly, no one knew what in the world they were doing. So rather than draft any OL, a real #2 reciever, a QB, DL, LBs or ANYONE AT A POSITION OF REMOTE NEED, we draft a “playmaker” at #9 who had ONE touch last week. One. Uno. Un.

And while we’re on wasted draft picks, Donte, how about we cover you? You were the 8th pick in the draft four years ago. In those four years, as a safety, you have amassed five fewer interceptions than Jarius Byrd has in his career. Jarius, by the way, was a second round pick LAST FREAKING YEAR. And he missed the last two games of the season. If there was an embodiment as to why this team is a laughingstock, you would be at the top of the list, if only because the others on that list aren’t on the team- or any team, for that matter.

It’s not just when the Bills play New England either. I knew the Bills were a joke when people stopped making fun of me for being a fan. People treat me like my puppy just got run over. “Oh, you’re a Bills fan?…oh, dear, honey, come inside and I’ll make you some cocoa. Do you like Spongebob? I’ll put on Spongebob…” At least the Lions have some excitement- they actually let their rookie running back loose, for better or for worse. Are they 0-2? Absolutely. Would I rather be a Lions fan? As much as I’d rather be paid to write. There’s a glimmer of hope for Lions fans. They have a QB, RB and WR of the future. They have a DT that may actually kill a man on the field just to watch him die. They have players that I would like to watch and that will probably be good someday. The Bills have a Mediocrity Day Parade at QB, where it doesn’t matter where the carousel lands, because the difference between the guy Madden rates at a 75 isn’t much better than the guy rated a 73. And if it’s that close, maybe the preseason should have been a QB competition instead of a coronation for Trent Edwards, who is shockingly not Jim Kelly (for this revelation, I should obviously be in the scouting department). I’m sure Fitzpatrick is the answer though. Until they yank him for Brohm in two weeks. And then back to Edwards. Meanwhile, the Bills will be 0-8 and more unwatchable than normal.

Chan Gailey will play conservative because he thinks its the best way to keep the game close, and he’s right to a point. But 0-16 with a few losses by single-digits is not a moral victory. I would rather the team go 1-15 by playing balls-to-the-wall football like cocaine-ravaged chipmunks and losing the 15 games by an average of 53 points…just to win that one game. There is not the talent on that roster to play not to lose. Hell, grab Herm Edwards and just have him scream “YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME” all game long. Don’t even call plays. It’s not like you can be much worse.

People ask me how I can still root for this team. The owner says he cares, but is too set in his ways to change now. The team sucks to a degree that Hoover won’t sponsor them (they don’t want to look bad in comparison). The stadium is closer in age to my father than it is to me. The best thing I can say about it is that there’s no bandwagon fans left- it’s a very pure fanbase (think of it as the polar opposite of Red Sox/Steeler Nations). I’ll never stop loving the Buffalo Bills. But at some point, you wonder if they’ll ever figure out how to circle the wagons.

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Ines Sainz: Another Girl Who Wants Attention- The Ultimate Photo Gallery

I would contend that a pair of pants has never fit better on a booty. Ever.

One thing I think we can all agree on is Ines Sainz is sexy. And I have the Ines Sainz hot sexy booty pics to prove it. If you do not know who Ines Sainz is then crawl out from that bonerless rock you’ve been under and get a load of this. (she’s no Miss Campo, though.)


Ines Sainz (twitter) is the reporter at the epicenter of the latest controversy surrounding the New York Jets. She was at the Jets’ facility last Saturday (on Sept. 11th of all days!) in the Jets’ locker room as a credentialed reporter to interview Mark Sanchez when something or other happened that in some way could be construed as harassment or cat-calling or less than savory behavior. This whole situation is being blown way out of proportion. The reason I’m not going to take the pussy women’s liberation stance is because I actually watched her talk about the whole situation in an interview on Fox News thanks to this Youtube video. and can see this for what it really is. Check out this video, and you will see what I mean.

Allow me to clear up some confusion by sharing insight from that video. (Hat tip to HuggingHaroldReynolds where I first saw the video.) In the above video she explains the tweet that largely contributed to the explosion of this story. She tweeted she was “dying of embarrassment.” Here’s where this story is getting lost in translation for many people. She was not dying of embarrassment because of anything the players did. She was embarrassed because of how big a deal either other reporters or Jets management made of what the players did or said. I’m not sure which because she can’t speak-a-da-Anglish too goods. The bottom line is now that the media firestorm machine has cranked up to 11 she’s not going to douse the story. NO DIFFUSER IS SHE! . She sees her opportunity, and she plans to maximize it. She’s not going for Larry Flynt-level offers. She wants Dancing with the Stars-level offers. The interview where the FoxNews reporter could not stop staring at her open blouse was very telling. Two things in particular stood out. But first, it’s been too long without a picture.

That is a superb rack.

The first thing that stood in that video is what I will call a difference of cultures. Part of the allegations of people who are defending the Jets in a sort of “she was asking for it/ date rape” sort of argument is that she was dressed too provocatively. Ok, even the person interviewing her can’t quit staring at her boobs because her awesome rack is being shown through a gaping button-down shirt. She doesn’t get it. Have you seen Mexican television? Women being objectified is par for the course. Even after the initial hullabaloo this incident has caused she is not dressing any differently. In her mind she is already taken seriously or is taken as seriously as she thinks she ever will be. The second thing I noticed from the video is she is loving the attention in an almost sinister way. Watch the video again. Pay special attention to 2:58- 3:08. The look she gives at 3:05-3:06 is probably her “OOOhhhh face.” You like for men to pay you attention, honey? You want me to tell you your pretty and everyone pays attention to you? You want to give me a little twirl? Yeh, show me what a good reporter you are. Talk into this mike and give me the story. Yeh, you’re good at giving me that story. I’ve been watching a lot of porn lately just like the Jets’ players or any other testosterone-filled male.

She didn’t go to journalism school, but damn she works on that body. Which one is better, honestly? I’m tired of these pussy guys coming out saying how outraged they are at that a woman was catcalled. Get off of your soap box and go look at some more porn because with these statements “defending the honor” of women I know you’re not getting laid. Women don’t want a chivalrous crusader. They want to be run. Do you not pay attention to the bang bus pornography videos you watch? I keeps my woman barefoot and making me mexican food. Or italian food. I might be in the mood for some homemade meatballs tonight. Every once in a while I let her have the sexuals, but I don’t let her finish. Gots to keep ‘em wantin’ more!

I would eat Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies off of that butt. Let’s discuss the athlete locker room for a moment. I am of the opinion no one besides players, coaches, and other staff should be in a locker room at any level, male reporters included. There have long been rumors of Peter King picking out packages he likes in the various locker rooms he visits. Are female reporters allowed in college locker rooms? High school? Middle school? How about we let them in elementary school physical education locker rooms to get the inside story on how little Timmy is able to get so many people out by catching dodgeballs thrown his way. How about men in those same locker rooms? How about you just let me in a WNBA locker room? RAWR!

Don’t get me started on Clinton Portis’ comments regarding female reporter’s in the locker room. The man Robert Littal over at BlackSportsOnline has a good story detailing Portis’ statements and subsequent lightning-fast apology. Portis basically said that of the 53 potential penises a female reporter sees in a locker room she is just bound to fall for one. Now he is taking the fall along with the Jets as a poster boy of misogyny in professional sports. That’s not sexism, though. That’s freaking math. Has no one seen The Bachelorette? Portis can’t help he got a first class education from the University of Miami. It is simple statistics. In a room of males at prime breeding age a female is highly likely to find one or more acceptable candidates for reproduction. I’m sad that Clinton was made to apologize for math. What is this society coming to?

This is the picture (above) Ines Sainz tweeted as an example of what she was wearing. I’m not sure. I could use more leg.

Or midriff!

The number of self-righteous sports “journalists” weighing in on this situation is beginning to make me nauseous. When can we expect to hear a respected sports media member like Jay Mariotti weigh in on this issue. But seriously, this lady has a twitter background that screams, I AM TO BE RESPECTED AS A JOURNALIST!” I downloaded it so you can see for yourselves.

The New York Jets organization is in full spin and PR mode now that this has gotten some attention, but I haven’t heard much from the NFL itself. You know why that is? Because the process of harassment was not completed. Get it? Like the controversial Calvin Johnson non-catch against the Bears last weekend? Do I have to spell everything out for you?

I personally think Ines Sainz is an inspiration. Her story proves that if one chases fame and whores yourself out (metaphorically, I mean) enough that your dream of 15 minutes of fame can one day be realized. She’s been showing up to Super Bowl media days since at least 2007 to drum up attention and not really cover the game. She’s waited so long and now her dream of fleeting fame with no discernible talent other than looking sexy as hell has come true. Here she is at the Colts- Bears Super Bowl from 2007 getting more information than the players really wanted to give about the offensive blocking schemes.

In conclusion Ines Sainz has not lived up to the lofty journalistic standards of those who came before her like Erin Andrews. Maybe the two of them need to get together over some hot tea and just hug it out. They feel each other’s pain just like they are feeling each other’s trim backs as they embrace. As they slowly rub each other reassuringly they can each tell that the other works out regularly. Andrew’s mind drift to images of Ines on a rubber workout ball, just bouncing… When she awakes from her daydream she realizes their lips have already connected and Ines has oiled up the strap-on…

You should also check out SportsbyBrooks‘ and Deadspin’s take on this issue because this was just me being a confusing jerk.

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Lebron. Seriously. Lebron.

June 14, 1998

I only know the date because I looked it up, but what it signifies is more important. That night, Michael Jordan hit his last shot as a Chicago Bull, and the NBA would never be the same.

Look where we are now. Ask yourself how you can be an NBA fan at this point. Lebron, who had been generally a good guy until the last few weeks, went heel. Kobe’s always going to be Kobe. Kevin Durant is a decent guy, but plays for the team that ripped out Seattle’s heart. The entire GM, ownership and coaching structure has been proven irrelevant in personnel decisions. This has ceased to be something the fans remotely matter in, they just happen to pay the bills.


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People Who Should Be Banned From Facebook: “OMG I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER” Girl

Facebook is a great thing, let me make that clear. I use it for more than just looking at pictures of attractive girls who went on spring break and spent the whole time in a bikini. It helps me keep in touch with many friends, and keeps me updated on what’s going on in their lives. But along with all of that come the people who make Facebook nearly intolerable. People who think Facebook is their personal ground for letting the planet know every little detail in their life. These people need to be banned from Facebook for the greater good. Up first, we take a look at “OMG I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER” Girl.

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Teenage Girls Are The Worst

This summer I was not planning on coming home from college, but a last minute change in plans ruined all that, and as a result, I’ve had to deal with my 17 year old sister, and her friends all summer. And I think I can safely say, teenage girls are the worst people on the planet, hands down.

If you’re a woman and you’re reading this, congratulations, you made it through the hardest years of your life without your parents killing you, and believe me, if it was legal to, they would have. But since it’s not, they seriously considered 1) Sending you away to a convent, or 2) Locking you away in the highest room in the tallest tower. But believe me, killing you was their first choice.

I know teenage boys aren’t much better, but at least they sometimes follow rules. Stupid emo kids and their girl pants.
Really, after thinking long and hard about it, the only good thing about teenage girls is that now and again they become so warped they end up in porn for the writers of this blogs enjoyment. (Kidding…I think…) (more…)

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