Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Wednesday September 28th 2011

‘Better while Intoxicated’ Archive

The Sandlot: Logical?

Looks like Rocky Dennis put on some weight?

The Sandlot is a movie that has garnished much attention from the people I actually talk to on twitter. Though that is a very small circle…some may even say it’s smaller than that fat ginger’s freckles on the tip of his snout…I feel this topic is necessary to post about because of the larger picture. A MUCH larger picture. A picture so large that some would say, “Hey, that’s a pretty large picture.”

The fact is, that the Danger Guerrero we all know and love is hiding something. He’s hiding something within this movie and more specifically, this “genius” scene break down that the rest of you morons were missing…follow me after the jump if you’re curious.

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The Fake Babysitter

I’m not one to write about drunken hookup stories. It’s clichéd, cheap, exploitative, clichéd, bad form, douchey, lazy, the worst form of “humble brag,” and also clichéd. HOWEVER, writing about drunken hookup stories involving people that aren’t you? That’s just people-watching. And now matter how many times you think you’ve seen it all, people can surprise you. So why don’t you sit right back, and I, I may tell you a tale. A tale of drunken douchebaggery and thespianism set in the backdrop of fair Washington, DC. Across the street from the MCI Verizon Center after a Penguins-Capitals game that I wasn’t at.

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It Helps If You Know French

In another life/incarnation, this would be my handle and avatar.

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game

… Dan Snyder, I want to kill you. Kristen Bell, I want to …

It’s over. Now I have to go back to actually writing instead of paint-by-numbers. I believe there was a football game in there somewhere. One that involved 4 Skins turnovers and a missed 30-yard field goal. But now we’re in the offseason and my digestive system can rest easy.

Did you know that the Redskins team headquarters and facilities are in Ashburn, Virginia. I officially motion that they change the cozy hamlet’s name to Cockburn, Virginia. Speaking of Cockburn, since none of you have ever experienced what it’s like to have to drink Cockburn after your team loses (yet — man up, suckers!), there’s no way of escaping. You receive an official message from CBHQ that it’s time to drink it. In circles of the know, it’s called a CockBurn Notice. Also, in Cockburn-eligible games that one is unable to watch, you may communicate with fellow members of the Order of the Burn by way of CB Radio. Just thought you might want to know. Anyway, let’s head down to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump. (more…)

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I’m Burnin’ For You: This Little Light of Mine, I’m Gonna Let it Burn!

Look what my Old Aunt Clancy, sister of my uncle who perpetuated the running Cockburn joke with me, made me for Christmas. This is why my family kicks ass.

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Jaguars Game

Merry Christmas TO THE GROUND!!!!! Enjoy your Cockburn! Don’t pump that garbage through my veins!!!!!

Of course, any Skins win at this point is bittersweet since a truckload of teams just passed them for draft position. I don’t have much to say about this game besides that without Maurice Jones-Drew, the Jaguars kinda munch on a butt. And if the Skins’ pass defense were a condom, it couldn’t even cover my minuscule johnson. Anyway, I did appreciate getting use that clip and my digestive system appreciated the lack of Cockburn. Though I did chug some Sandeman port straight out the bottle on Christmas Eve so my grandparents, who like port as we’ve discussed in the past, would know to get some more instead of accidentally serving a fifth of a bottle. I don’t know why I wasn’t Time’s Man of the Year either, except that magazine might be dead. Anyway, let’s check in with our official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump. (more…)

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I’m Burnin’ For You: A Merry Cockburn Christmas Special

First of all, here’s Old King Clancy watching the Skins-Cowboys game:

Yeah, I’ve had that in my back pocket for losing to the Cowboys all season. Turns out, maybe the Eagles game was the right place for it. However, since if there’s one thing I’ve learned from 2 weeks on Twitter, it’s that people on the Internet are supposed to repeatedly pat themselves on the back, I’d like to mention how perfectly the lyrics from last week’s song describe being a Skins fan.

So, the Sex Cannon. Since the DC media are generally a bunch of flip-flopping lapdogs, he’s currently the toast of the town. Despite losing. Yes, he threw 4 TD passes and a lot less ground balls than McNabb. However, he also threw a horrific interception on the Skins’ 20 and fumbled on the Skins’ 20. So yeah, he was better than McNabb for this game. But to use my dad’s genius description of Neil Lomax, he’s “just good enough to lose with.” And the point is that they lost. To the Cowboys. Now, in the Cannon’s defense, the real reason they lost is because the defense and special teams kept fucking that chicken. Yes, the Sex Cannon fucked over the defense with a couple of his turnovers, but none of their 460 yards allowed is the Cannon’s fault. And the kick and punt coverage did their jobs as well as Jennifer Lopez trying to sing or act (or pretend to be a human being). So the Sex Cannon sucked the least out of the 3 elements. Good for him. They still lost. To the Cowboys.

I’d like to surrender the floor to Hogs Haven‘s (my favorite Skins’ blog) Ken Meringolo, who said best of this: “Chalk up another “We should have won, could have won, but really had no business being close to winning” day. I mean, there we were yet again…the ways this team takes losses are simply amazing. What lessons are we learning this year? Really…what are we gaining from the experience of almost winning this many times? I worry that the lesson being driven into this team is more how to lose than how to win. I suppose the hope is that another offseason of roster upheaval will further erode the foundation of our institutional culture of losing. We can only hope that young, promising players like Brian Orakpo and Trent Williams will escape the psychological anvil that has destroyed guys who have played here in the past. After all, there is a limit to how much bullshit a professional can withstand before he either decides to leave or decides to give up and go through the motions.” Amen. And there’s always a glass of Cockburn available for you and your partner, Kevin Ewoldt.

Speaking of, and sorry for taking up space on the main page, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump: (more…)

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I’m Burnin’ For You: BLOODSUGARSEXCANNON!!!!!!!

(via KSK)

Hey, I said next week’s upcoming holiday blowout massacre Cockburn-a-palooza was going to be epic. And I’m a man of my fucking word. Gentlemen, put that Cockburn on ice because it’s going to be legen … wait for it … dairy. (And yes, it says “dairy” on purpose. Start your thought engines). And ladies, your “I’m coy, I’m hot and cold, I’m poker-facing” routine isn’t nearly as cute as you think it is. In fact, it’s not at all. You will bow before the majesty of the Sex Cannon! We’re playing for draft position, baby! COCKBURN AHOY!!!!!!!!!!

Goddamn, the Skins suck.

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Bucs Game

Just wait. I’m saving the big fucking guns for next week’s holiday blowout massacre extravaganza. Seriously, unless the Skins fuck it up by winning, it’s going to be epic. Anyway, what can one really say about that shit-show? Kinda the most perfect way ever for this team to lose. And who misses a 30 and 24 yard FG? I mean, those should be mandatorially celebrated with a dismissive wank gesture. Which brings me to my real point. Tampa couldn’t stop Ryan Torain in the first half, so the only reason the Skins are kicking FGs is because Mike and Kyle Shanahan inexplicably decide to call pass plays. Blame special teams all you want, but it takes a lot of ineptitude on all sides (don’t forget the choking-ass defense) to lose a football game. Now, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.

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Logic is interviewed on the NFL Season

Please. No press. Real bloggers don't post pictures of themselves..

Host: Welcome! Welcome one and all. We haven’t had an interview with our pseudo-celebrity guest, Logic…(sigh) in a while so let’s have at it, I guess?

Logic: (rips line of oxycontin, turns to host) Well, hello beautiful. Let’s get this show on the road. What am I fielding questions about? Your mother and her rounds at the adult shop glory holes? She doesn’t think we can see her…but we can. (pulls out Four Loko)

Host: God dammit, behave yourself. Put the coffee beer away, will ya? Now let’s see if we can get some questions for you on the NFL season thus far. (to media) Okay, so any questions involving the 2010 season, Logic will answer. Don’t forget to razz the old bean on being a Giants fan! HURRR

Logic: (pushes host’s face, points to interviewer)

Interviewer 1: Who do you feel is the strongest candidate for the MVP this season? Tom Brady?

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