Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Monday December 20th 2010

‘Better while Intoxicated’ Archive

Episode 1: The Pilot

Sidney Crosby: (groans) Whaa-

(walks to nearby beach)

Lane Kiffin: Have you seen my husband? I lost him in the-

Voice: Kiffy!

Pete Carroll: Where you been, doll? I’ve been running around this here place looking for potential players and a steady dose of Red Bull. I ain’t found shelter yet but YE-AHHHH I made me some waterskis and an parachute out of some stuff from the forest so I’m goin’ wakeboarding! Paddle that canoe around for me, wouldya? What about you, big stuff- wanna propel that boat so I can get my hourly dose of XTREME in?

Brian Cushing: Just one question, Coach…Where are we?

(more…)

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Things Not To Do For Our Live Blog Tonight: NFL Draft Drinking Games

Special News Bulletin: The Gally Blog will be hosting a live blog during the first round of the NFL draft tonight. We will begin around 7:15 Eastern Standard Time.  Bring your booze, draft fervor, and emotional problems masked as dick jokes. Your hosts will be Logic and Nonpopulist along with appearances by Purple Jesus Diaries. Also rumored to be appearing are Gally, Gimp, WhiteSpeedReceiver, and K-Gun. All your favorites.


I like to call this White & Mild


We interrupt the continuous stream of mock draftiness about which no one appears to care to bring you an original post about two things very near and dear to all of our hearts, The NFL and drinking. I was listening to The Dan Patrick Show today, and the topic of NFL draft drinking games came up. We here at The Gally Blog would like to encourage you to drink responsibly, especially if it’s Firefly Vodka, because with a name like Firefly, you know you’ll get lit up. /Boom, walkoff shot, writing slogans and shamelessly whoring. Someone tell Firefly to ask me about my game.

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Ben Roethlisberger is so screwed.

Yesterday, Ben Roethlisberger was scolded by Roger Goodell for his 2 open court cases, both of which being of a “sexual assaulty nature” as my bro Chaz called it.  I think it’s not the fact that Goodell thinks Ben did it, but rather that one of the faces of the most popular franchises in the NFL keeps putting himself in situations that appear “rapey” according to Chaz. Some people are trying to give it the “If it looks like a duck” argument, only to be countered by the “I hope you held Michael Jackson to the same standard.” He’s dead, dontcha know? or the “It’s just civil court” argument which is then trumped by the “OJ lost in civil court” argument. So really the whole situation is at a deadlock and I don’t think the question is if Ben raped anyone, I think it’s more along the lines of: “Did Ben Rapethisberger rape the rapey grape rape of date rape?”

The End.

 

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Commence unconsciousness in 3…2…1…

There’s nothing quite sexier than someone losing consciousness. And no Logic I’m not referring to the lack of lucidness that comes from drinking GHB infused beverages at a frat party. No sir, I am talking about the loss of bowel control that can only come from the sport of MMA. Because if there’s one thing the sadists writers here at the Gally Blog enjoy it’s a good knockout. Well maybe that and @berstreet‘s tits.

I would post fight related info, but

1) I imagine most people coming to this site only care about the violence, which,

a) I would assume is on par with putting credits in a snuff film

2) go fuck yourself

a) hard.

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Celebrity Sex Rehab, Season 2.

Welcome to Celebrity Sex Rehab, I'm Dr. Drew.
Welcome to Celebrity Sex Rehab, I'm Dr. Drew. And I Miss Adam Corolla.

Dr. Drew: Now, on to business. I have been given permission by VH1 to have a second season of my spin off show Celebrity Sex Rehab where the patients are getting even more famous in some areas. And much, much more unknown in others. Even though, the unknown need the help the most. Without further ado, the patients!

audience claps

Dr. Drew: My first patient is a not so popular blogger from The Gally Blog and a bunch of personal volunteer blogs. He is a part-time comedian and full time sociopath. He says he’s addicted to sex and even more addicted to porn. Biggest addiction? Fantasy football. So there may be hope for him yet. Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome, Logic from Long Island, New York.

audience looks at each other awkwardly.

Pirate

Logic: waves Hi, Doc.

Dr. Drew: So, tell us why you think you are a sex addict?

Logic: Well, Doc…to be honest, I love whores. The thing is, I don’t make a lot of money. And with the money that I do make, I spend it on booze. So I really didn’t know which show to be on! Honest, Doc.

Dr. Drew: Well, we will help you get over that problem. Hopefully both. If you listen to me and have willpower, we will see all the great things you can accomplish.

crowd applauds.

Dr. Drew: Our next panel member isn’t quite as famous as Logic. He has been around since the early SNL days and has even done movies that we will be talking about in future episodes, such as Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo. Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome Rob Schneider.

Rob Schneider: Hi, Drew. How’s it goin’, bro? Remember when we did Loveline? Ha. Good times. No but, seriously. Hello.

Dr. Drew: Well Rob, I’ve never really heard much about you being a sex addict. Tell us a story about your horrible addiction, would you?

Rob Schneider: Um. Yeah. Sure. Ok. Well, there was this one time, I was with this girl. I mean two girls. right?

Logic: Are you asking or telling? Me and Doc Drew weren’t there. Just tell the damn story, mumbles.

Rob Schneider: Right. So it was me and these two girls and we were making out and I was going to try to fuck them! And then I took my shirt down and they saw this:

It's Permenant.
It's Permenant.

Rob Schneider: No. But seriously. I had sex with two girls.

Logic: Oh shut it, Schneider. You get laid less than a Priest.

Rob Schneider: Nuh-uh.

Logic: Yeah, dude. Did you ever see that South Park about you? You’re a joke. No one even remembers that “Makin’ copieeeessss” bullshit except me because I am THAT bored at home all day in between sexing all these ladies and getting blotto.

Dr. Drew: Easy, Logic. Let’s move on. Shall we? Our next contestant rivals Rob and almost kind of looks like him if you squint too hard. Please welcome, Pauly Shore!

Pauly Shore: HEYYYYYUHHHH!!!! WHAT’S UPPPPUHHHHH?!? I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ON TV AGAINUHHHHH!! THIS IS SO EXCITING FOR ME! THE SQUIRREL MAN!!!

Dr. Drew: Man, this is going to be a long season.

Logic: You got that right, Drew. What’d you find all of these celebrities at the same Best Western? I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone of Unfunny. I think I own both of their movies and use them as cup holders.

Pauly: HEYUHHHH DON’T HATE, PARTICIPATE! Who’s Logic anywho? WHO! WHHHOOOOO! What a funny word, WHOO!!

Logic: I swear to Christ, if you keep up this bullshit for 13 episodes, me and you are going to rumble.

Dr. Drew: Logic, you need to relax. I think this is your problem. You get aggravated about small problems which leads to light drinking which leads to heavy drinking which leads to blackouts which leads to hookers and cocaine.

Logic: This is starting to sound like a party.

Dr. Drew: No. This is, Rehab. (looks at camera, sternly)

dr_drew_interview

audience claps

Pauly Shore: ANDUHHH THIS IZZUHH SPARTUHHHHHHH!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!

audience boos

Dr. Drew: On that note, we need to introduce our next celebrity. He is of recent stardom and is a fantastic singer from American Idol with a quirky sense of humor, Adam Lambert!

Adam Lambert: Hi everybody!

Dr. Drew: Now, Adam. You are the only homosexual on the show. Can you tell us about when you knew you were a sex addict?

Adam Lambert: Well, this is court mandated. So, no.

Logic: (stops praying) Thanks, man.

Dr. Drew: Fair enough, and for our next celebrity, let’s all please welcome a FORMER porn star, Bree Olson.

 

Oops. Hehe. Am I Under Dressed?
Oops. Hehe. Am I Under Dressed?

Pauly Shore and Rob Schneider get wood.

Logic: What the fuck kind of show are you running here, Doc? You tell me to quit sex and then BOOM! You bring in a chick I spank it to? I’m going to have to self medicate until my dick is numb.

Bree Olson: Hi boys.

Dr. Drew: Now, Bree. I need to know that your commitment to this show is serious. We’d like you to open up and tell us about when you broke down.

Bree Olson: Well, Doc. As you can tell by my profession, it’s hard to NOT get addicted to sex. I lost my virginity at age 13 and ever since then, I just loved it. The worst happened once I got Twitter and started meeting random guys off the internet. At one point I was sucking close to 8 dicks a week!

Adam Lambert: That’s nothing.I would do that in a day.

Logic: Gross, man.

Dr. Drew: Excellent. Thank you for sharing Bree. And our last contestant is the reason we even got approved for this show. David Duchovney and Steve Phillips were both turned down by corporate for being incredibly boring. And that’s coming from me, so you know how boring they can get. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome the 2nd most recognizable face on planet earth, Tiger Woods!

[door flies open]

Enter Tiger talking on a cell phone

Oh. You didn't know?
Oh. You didn't know?

Tiger: (speaking into a cellphone)…No! No! You tell GM, I don’t give a fat flying fuck. They can go suck their dad’s dick. I don’t need GM money. Hey, did Trojan sign me yet? I want the magnum line. (to Bree Olson) What’s up, girl? (back to cellphone) No. It doesn’t matter if I have the dick of a Chinese man. I want the magnum line. I’m fucking Tiger Tiger Tiger Woods, y’all. I’m every bad stereotype between both races. I will talk through your movie and drive like I have a dick in my mouth. Gatorade? FUCK Gatorade. Those flavors they sucked balls. I wanted Grape and Apple. Would’ve called it Grapple! Because I just kick ass, like those UFC fighters, you see. That’s a joke, dick. Laugh at Tiger’s jokes or I’ll cuckold you.

Dr. Drew: Now, Tiger. I know you want to get back with your wife Elin. I don’t think talking like that will salvage the relationship.

Tiger Woods: (hears Dr. Drew. Tiger hangs up the phone) What the fuck did you just say to me?

Logic: Easy now, Tiger. See what I did there?

Tiger Woods: And who the fuck are you, playboy? I’ll butt fuck you.

Rob Schneider: That’s not even a threat. That’s like  your hobby, huh?

Tiger Woods: Listen, cracker. Shut up and get out of this room immediately.You’re getting career AIDs  on me. I heard you did this shit to Magic Johnson, asshole. I should sodomize you with this driver I brought. You know, because I bring golf clubs everywhere I go because I am the best to ever hit this mother fucking earth. I used to not even talk like a gangsta! That was until I realized how gangsta I was. and that’s pretty fuckin’ gangsta.

Rob Schneider leaves room. Audience claps

Dr. Drew: Wow. Tiger, we all know your sexual stories because they were flooding the news paper for days.

Tiger Woods: And let me cut you off there, suit. I don’t need you telling me what I can and can’t do to a woman. Tiger brings the pain AND pleasure. I am a GD Blasian! Can you resist this yellow-chocolate? Hell, I’d fuck me. I know Shore has tried to fuck me.

Pauly Shore: HEYYYYUUUHHHHH!!!

Tiger Woods: (back hands Pauly) Don’t start that shit. I swear on my swing that I will beat the tar outta you, son. And then! I’ll make your mother give ME some Bio Dome. Gnomesayin? (phone rings)

Dr. Drew: Tiger, could you turn…

Tiger Woods: NO! I WILL NOT TURN ANYTHING OFF, SUIT! I will rain fire from this building and beat this faggot Lambert silly. He won’t get raped though. Murderin’ fags in quicker. Oh it was just a twitter update from…Bree Olson? What the fuck? Damn girl, you’s a freak. You’re what Akon was singing about. I like that. Want me to give you the Angry Pirate?

Bree Olson: Sure! hehe!

Tiger Woods: Alright later, chalk dicks. I’m going to fuck this blond until she starts thinking like a lady and then break up with her through the media. Have fun with your, arid, Sahara desert weiners while I give out a few Piledriveres.

Logic: Damn. This guy is crazy and I think stalking me.

Dr. Drew. Just cut. Cut to a fucking commercial. FUCK!

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NFL Players for Sale!

Hey. Isn't that your dad?
Hey. Isn't that your dad?

(alternate caption: Isn’t it weird that someone actually had to pose/dress like that?)

I know it’s only the 2nd week of the Playoffs but I can’t care less. As a Giants fan, I need something to look forward to. And at 8-8, we have the 15th pick. And I did suit up at linebacker for a game, which is why I can say “we”. It’s also why they were miserable. Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of players that I would replace. Here’s my sales pitch (sans Brandon Jacobs because who would want that fat pussy?):

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Using Logic: Midget Jackie Robinson Edition

I Only Use 1/2 of That. Fuckin' Libs.
I Only Use 1/2 of That. Fuckin' Libs.

Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at HatedHero11@gmail.com or @Hbomb47 and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. Whatever your little heart desires. I’m not picky. I’ve fucked a fat ginger before. I swear. Actually it was on the beach and I gave her the Screamin’ Seagull. No lies.

Now, let me get into the email I received (letter in italics, Logic in bold)

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LAST CALL….jk. Eli Manning is a Whore Monger. LOLz

Penis..So..Confused..
Penis..So..Confused.

Seems like the only things we do over here are bukakkes Blogkakkes and Last Calls. Well that’s my fault. I’m too busy swimming in hot chicks and money. Last night, I spent all night trying to fit all these 20$ bills in my wallet! It was nearly impossible! I got to admit, sometimes being a sports blogger has it’s downside. Like when the paparazzi won’t leave you alone. (Ed. Note: UGH! I hate when that happens!) Other times, things just seem to fall in your lap.

I’m not sure if all the sexin’ has been the Giants downfall, unless Antonio Pierce slipped a disk doing the pile driver. I think the problem is this ratio of economy=Bill Clinton:George Bush is to defense=Spags:Sheridan. That’s the real problem. All the guy had to do was coast, for crying out loud! I think Eli dippin’ his wick into a bunch of sluts actually makes him human. He was knocked by New York media for being emotionless during his rookie season and then the same NY Media ripped Sanchez and Ryan for crying in their rookie seasons. If you want the middle ground, you get Rex Grossman. So shut up, NY Post. You stink.

The source might not be credible. First of all…she’s a whore seller. Secondly, she knows AJ Daulerio is a blow fiend (and Deadspin is Brooklyn-based) who wasn’t paying attention until she mentioned hookers and Eli Manning in the same sentence. If she said Mark Sanchez it’d be a non-issue. If she said “Tiger Woods”, people would have bought he shitty book of lies. Now, it’s still all hearsay and Joe Namath is still the biggest womanizing quarterback in New York.

I can only imagine how you would have to get the information out of Eli for conformation:

Police Man: “Now Eli, on the dolly, show us where she touched you…” hands Eli blow pop
Elisha: drools “She touched my fireman.” Smiles at stuffed animal her brought for courage
Police Man: “Oh thank God, this is over.”

end scene


Football's Val Venus
Football's Val Venus


Did anyone ever check to see if Archie and his wife had the same surname? This whole family has way too large of foreheads. Plus, Wikipedia says Eli lives in the same building as Jesse Palmer and we know that guy is pulling tail (see: Erin Andrews, the Bachelor), I bet the whores were on their way to his apartment he just ordered them to Eli’s (meant literal, not black-talk) crib where he would pick them up. Because he’s sly like a fox, that Palmer is. Anyway, does Deadspin have like a direct line for whores to call that say they have inside information on Tiger Woods? Like a sexy batphone? Or a stiletto shoephone like in Get Smart?

Touche, Daulerio.
Touche, Daulerio.


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Look! A Dead Horse! Let’s Beat it!

#1
#1


This is Day 2 of Logic covering the Tiger Woods rape/murder/domestic violence/drug ring. It’s literally all anyone can talk about. And being in the mainstream media, I need to make sure that I get my opinion out there because if there is one truth to the “world of Logic” it is that I never lie about anything. Especially like being raped or being on the cover of Men’s Health Magazine.

Well, I was reading the Daily News at work today and I noticed my co-workers reading the NY Post and Newsday and the headlines were all basically similar. They were all cliches like “Tiger loses his stripes! Gets scratched!” or “What a bad driver!” type headlines and after I was done puking, I turned up the radio. It was Boomer Esiason and Craig Carton. They were, of course, talking about Tiger Woods. It was breaking news that a “middle aged blond woman” was taken from his house sitting up on a stretcher at 2:30AM on 12/8/09. (This was apparently Elin’s mother). Any coincidence to the anniversary of the day after the bombing of Pearl Harbor? Well, I just paint the picture. You can interpret it however you want.

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Logic’s Will and Testament

Where I Got Swine Flu From :( Jager...
Where I Got Swine Flu From :( Jager...

Hey all. If it wasn’t brought to your attention, I have been on a blogging hiatus because I’m studying for my LSAT on December 6th. I guess God was smiting me because I contracted Swine Flu. My friends say it’s because I’m a pig. I say it’s because I had sex with your mother. BOOSH! Some say this is karma. Me? Well, I totally agree. Even though dystonia-girl was just looking for attention and is a big fat faker[edit:Not a faker, her symptoms were mostly mental] who turned out to have a speedy recovery. Well lah-dee-dah, your highness. Do cheerleaders just get everything? Grrr.

Well, as we all know swine flu is very serious and I’ve put a lot of thought into it. So here is my last will and testament:

I never was a rich man, basically because I have a slew of terrible habits. What little money I do have though, will go to who ever tracks down Maddox (the self proclaimed famous blogger) and kick him right in his self-serving balls. This guy is funny, sure, but his act is kind of tired and his book sucked. Know what else? He didn’t respond to my email. And I’m not just some kid whining he didn’t meet Maddox. Nope. He called out Swine Flu on his blog, and I was going to sneeze in his face and spit in his ginger ale as he requested.

To Berstreet: I’ve shaved my head and bagged the hair. Now you have costume material for years to come. You’re welcome.

To Tom Coughlin: I leave you my 16 inch retractable knight-stick. After knowing you did not go home and beat your son-in-law or your own blood who married him, I’m sending this for every Giants fan. Either you start laying down the law or I’ll fucking haunt the Meadowlands. Don’t mess with me. I’ll have NOTHING better to do. Hell, you can even use this to hit your wife. I don’t care. Just get mean again. Or I’ll have Deacon from King of Queens check your prostate with the GD thing.

To My Parents: Since I’ve prearranged my passing, I’ve deleted all the pornography from my lap top so you can strip it dry of all my writing and give it to a publisher. I’m sure they’ll either make advances on sociopath studies or at least a decent dick-joke sitcom.

To my Dog Rudy (pictured below):

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gally had this to say

dream big. anything can happen Read the post

Old King Clancy had this to say

Not a thing with either the edible kind or the kind that graces your posts. I suppose the latter is edible too, just Read the post

Logic had this to say

Yeah I bagged an all-american girl's lax star when i was in college..not only was she sexy but she had some Read the post

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