This upcoming article is based on information that came out August 9th, so if my mathematical skills are accurate it is officially Internet old skool. I also don’t recall seeing it anywhere, so either a) You didn’t hear about it. b) You don’t give a shit, or c) You didn’t hear about it and didn’t care about it until someone ranted about it in a manner resembling Andy Rooney drunkenly rambling on about how the Korean War continues to affect the prices of tapioca. Where was I, oh yeah, regurgitated old Internet news. So every year, well recently, the NFL launches the season with a sort of mini concert featuring up to ten of the days biggest musical stars. Sometimes they may not actually be big stars, but musical acts who are running low on their adderal and codein scrips and need some quick cash. In the past, acts have included: Aerosmith, Britney Spears, Toby Keith, the cast of Rent, Joey Fatone and your uncle Leo’s mariachi band.
Hey, it’s their party and they can do whatever they want. Well this year, they decided that they hate us fans. They would rather us become complacent and fall asleep before the games start rather than get pumped up. Instead of picking a band(s) that would pump us up, like oh Mastodon, Metallica, Avenged Sevenfold, or even an act like Jay-Z with Kid Cudi, Wale and Eminem(which would pump us up, but in a different way than the aforementioned rawk groups.) At least when they put us to sleep during the half-time of the Super Bowl, we’ve already been entertained gotten to blind face drunk to realize what’s going on.
This year they went with Taylor Swift and mother fucking Dave Matthews. OMG RAWK ON MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!! I’M SO FUCKING EXCITED I’M GOING TO EXPLODE SO HARD IN MY PANTS THAT MY DICK IS GOING TO FALL OFF. ARE YOU EXCITED FOR THIS:
OR HOW ABOUT THIS FUCKERS?!?!?
So umm, yeah. Fuck you Taylor Swift. Fuck you Dave Matthews. Fuck you Jim Irsay. Fuck you Roger Goodell. Fuck you NFL. You fucking god damn shit weasel, master blenders of fine semen, pieces of cunt lint. Why couldn’t it have been this:
I don’t know if you guys heard the news or not, but LeBron James left the Cleveland Cavaliers to join Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh with the Miami Heat. I’m so topical and on time, I know. Well Ohio and more specifically, Cleveland, didn’t take the news so well. There were burnings of James jerseys, hilarious albeit inappropriate letters from the owner and many more shenanigans. It has, in some circles, been compared to the old wrestling heel turn by the NWO.
Well Cleveland is taking all that anger, misguided or not, and is turning it into creativity. For this I applaud them. Whenever I try to turn anger into creativity, a hooker dies it turns into horribly bitter sounding prose. If they can continue to output their anger and feelings of loss into awesome creative projects like this, Cleveland may have just found a new fan I fully support them.
So I did a Using Logic skit on the whole Steve Phillips situation a few months ago. I loved it. I always liked Steve Phillips as an announcer and a person but the whole situation was ridiculous. Deadspin now is saying that Phillips is attributing his sex addiction to a traumatic childhood experience. Pfffttt. This is just getting stupid. Even after that fantastic South Park episode on all the guys with “sex addictions” blaming their problems and ruined lives on the stupidest stuff imaginable. I don’t feel like linking the episode, I’m sure you can find it yourself. There’s this new thing called “Google” out, you lazy fuck.
I mean, c’mon Jesse James. Nazi sex rehab? That sounds like a bad Schindler’s List porn remake. Give me a break. South Park has outed you Tiger Woods, Dave Letterman, Bill Clinton, Dave Duchovny, Steve Phillips and Gimp. There is no hiding anymore. Get over it, you’re just bad people who made a mistake. Now man up and pay your wife half!
Yesterday, Ben Roethlisberger was scolded by Roger Goodell for his 2 open court cases, both of which being of a “sexual assaulty nature” as my bro Chaz called it. I think it’s not the fact that Goodell thinks Ben did it, but rather that one of the faces of the most popular franchises in the NFL keeps putting himself in situations that appear “rapey” according to Chaz. Some people are trying to give it the “If it looks like a duck” argument, only to be countered by the “I hope you held Michael Jackson to the same standard.” He’s dead, dontcha know? or the “It’s just civil court” argument which is then trumped by the “OJ lost in civil court” argument. So really the whole situation is at a deadlock and I don’t think the question is if Ben raped anyone, I think it’s more along the lines of: “Did Ben Rapethisberger rape the rapey grape rape of date rape?”
I think we all know the insane story of Jon Koppenhaver. From the comments about Evan Tanner (or depending on how you look at it, the refusal to Joe Silva’s match, which is like refusing Don Corleone) that got him thrown out of the UFC, to the Gaybashing and then the name change. Then, like any sane person, he turned to porn (NSFWish Pic). I’m not going to lie, I haven’t seen the first video yet. I pretty much troll porn all day long and I still can’t find it. I don’t think I really need to see it because it would make me gay. Why? Well, because I’ve already seen her naked so really…what am I looking at?
I have no problem with War Machine. I hope he reads this. I follow him on Twitter and have actually had a few lines of dialogue with him. He is even friends with Long Island MMA product, Phil Baroni. He seems like a good dude at heart and means well but gets thrown into extraordinary situations where he doesn’t always make the right decision. And you know what? It fucking worked out well, huh? Joe Rogan has a great joke about how War Machine gets paid to fight and fuck, but I’m not him (despite my “drinking for days” beard) so I won’t try to make it. Can a man ask for more? I would argue: No. No you can’t.
Anyway, the point of this article (other than to tell you how insanely jealous I am of War Machine) is that he has a new video on “Real Slut Party”. Fightlinker has the links to the hardcore NSFW stuff, so check them out. He is partnered with some girl named Jules. I don’t know who she truly is and the Redtube video has her labeled as “Busty Jules” but in porn that’s like being called “Pantsless Blogger”.
Amazing what one can do with DVR and an iPhone. Thanks to reader FlankerNips for the picture. Ok, now the Tony Kornheiser thing has been blown way out of proportion. Deadspin posted an article claiming that there could be an underbelly to the story…about how TK took a shot at Chris Berman’s weight. Jason Whitlock got really mad (Ed Note: Like a big, fat, black baby. Kind of like the kid from “The Cleveland Show) and had a little twitter battle with AJ Daulerio. After Whitlock blocked Daulerio, AJ did the one thing any reasonable man would do. Curse him out via email.
That’s all well and good. I’ve done that thousands of times. I wish I still had the snotty email I sent MTV’s “Made” about not hiring me as a Lacrosse Coach. Regardless of that situation, it’s kind of stupid that TK can’t talk about his “co-workers” on his radio show. Isn’t that controlling the media? Like what the Nazis did? It’s bad enough ESPN has a global monopoly on sporting news, but to actually suspend a dude for commenting on some broad’s attire? C’mon. Where are the anti-trust laws?
Just look at the daffy bitch! Is she kidding me? She is TRYING to get attention for her ludicrous outfits. Whether it is the go-go boots and the sausage flaps, or the stupid army get up…this broad looks like she gets dressed in the dark. At first, when I heard her name…I thought she would be hot. Hannah Storm sounds like she would be a super-hero who sexily shoots lightning to subdue female bank robbers. No such luck. Instead she has the super power to make me cringe. I’m looking at a dame, way past her prime, talking about sports and looking like her wardrobe was shot out of a cannon at an Arena Football game. This is my Hell.
Tony Kornheiser was right to criticize her and I commend him for even apologizing (even though it was an “I’m sorry I got caught” apology.) What’s the point of being in the media if you can’t criticize people regardless of where they work? This was the major problem I had with Steve Phillips bagging that troll. ESPN did not even recognize it on any of it’s radio stations or during the entire day on Sports Center. Meanwhile, they had CSPAN like coverage of every harlot Tiger Woods stuck his flesh flute in. It’s hypocrisy, I tell you! I say that if this trick wants to walk around like Blinkin from Robin Hood: Men in Tights lays out her clothes in the morning, we should have the opportunity, NAY! The right, to make fun of her!
Yeah. This is old already. It’s been up at Deadspin who cracked the story this morning. I heard it on my way to work from WFAN’s Boomer and Craig Carton show. This is me not caring. I really have one thing I enjoy in life. It’s looking at famous ass. I don’t care if it’s old, new, fat, sexy, big or small. I’ll look at that ass and I’ll judge it. I’ll judge it like Tupac says I shouldn’t.
To be fair, I was present for her sister to curse out Ms. Swan from MadTV, so I have a connection with this family. Also, sports are really boring when it’s just basketball and hockey (pardon me, Canadian and Black readers). Football is like my one and only. After the Super Bowl, I feel like my wife just died of cancer. So don’t get all high and mighty on me in your ivory tower because I showed some athletic ass on a sports blog. You can’t even see her c-ck! And, tranny porn is awesome anyway. You get 4 boobs and only have to stare at 1 dong. The only thing that is sad, when you see that hers is bigger than yours…What? Why are you looking at me like that?
Well, as a pervert sports analyst, I have to say this: Her sister just did “The Body Mag” for ESPN and had that sexy picture I posted earlier in the year so maybe she was just cuttin’ to the chase? “I’m juss sayin”. Is that how the cool kids say it?
WINter fail is what this is all about. Get it? By watching this you win at life, and sports. So some chap from Mother Europe decided to make a compilation of various winter time failing. You see, much of this world gets snow and ice, but nobody handles it as well as us Canadians. Well Global Warming decided to make it cold as balls everywhere and now none of these stupid fucks know what to do. Hey look at that paper thin ice! How’s aboot we try to cross it? That sounds like a fantastic idea.
Fortunately for you it’s a fantastic idea. You get to see people do face plants and other such hijinks. Unfortunately, nobody dies in this video, though a chick gets run over by her own car. That’s always good for a laugh. And hey, maybe other morons will see that nobody dies in this and think they’re bulletproof. The result, reality TV and a strengthening of the gene pool. Hooray for voluntary eugenics.
(alternate caption: Isn’t it weird that someone actually had to pose/dress like that?)
I know it’s only the 2nd week of the Playoffs but I can’t care less. As a Giants fan, I need something to look forward to. And at 8-8, we have the 15th pick. And I did suit up at linebacker for a game, which is why I can say “we”. It’s also why they were miserable. Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of players that I would replace. Here’s my sales pitch (sans Brandon Jacobs because who would want that fat pussy?):
I guess the hot topic in the last two weeks of the season is all this “who is getting rested in favor of not getting hurt” garbage. The NFL is now going to investigate this practice, probably due to all the cries from the public about the Colts and their brush with history. Me? Well, I’m a Giants fan so to divert my attention from this horrific season, I’m going to start yelling about things like this. I could honestly care less about 16-0 if you it doesn’t come with a Super Bowl win. Ultimately, if you pull a Patriots of 2007 you are basically saying that you were almost the best team in the league. You are telling me that you beat everyone that Heir Goodell told you to play, but Goodell can’t predict the playoff picture no matter how hard he will try. You are telling me that when there was one single game when everything was on the line and you made mistakes and let another team come in and kick your ass. And besides, I kind of like the luster of the ’72 Dolphins record. I was also mad at Emmitt Smith breaking all those records.
I don’t see how Goodell can physically force someone to not rest starters when starters have earned the right for rest. Going 14-0 in the regular season mathematically puts you in the playoffs in every possible scenario. Not going for this record is obviously, up to the coach and depending on how douchey he is. There are many ways around this “benching” too, say with these mandatory injury reports. “Oh no, suddenly Peyton, Reggie Wayne, Dallas fucking Clark and Dwight Freeny all got the flu last night. Mega-frownies :(“. How can you stop that?
If you have read anything I’ve ever wrote, you know I always propose a solution to the problems I rant about. My solution? 21 game season. Yes. You read that right. 21 games. Imagine, 21 weeks of professional football? In all it’s glory. Blow right by 18 games and head straight to half a year of football. Now, I know what you are saying “Why, Logic! That’s not very logical at all! LOLz”. Well, cram it dick bag. Everyone agrees with me and you stink. Take 2 bye weeks. I don’t care.
I think this 21 games would make the undefeated season next to impossible. We would never have to judge Jim Caldwell like we are Greek Gods choosing who goes to Hades or hear Mike Francesa struggle for air in between sips of Diet Coke and spitting when he talks over callers. I think resting starters would have to become strategy if their frail, girlish bodies can’t handle all 21 weeks of the gridiron. I know Brandon Jacobs will probably shatter into dust and Jeremy Shockey will probably break like a Kit Kat. The resting of starters would almost seem mandatory when your starters are big sissies.
When the NFL changes to this 21 game season, they could get rid of the preseason and then people will stop complaining about people getting injured during those 4 weeks as well! How perfect is this? If we eliminate all the “who gets injured because of what reason” talk, I think my migraine will go away because all injuries would happen during the regular season. As you see, Wes Welkah has been injured in the week 17 game v. Houston and they lost the game and now have their only WR that tries on bedrest in the playoffs after they already clinched. How come no one is torturing Hoodie like they did Caldwell? I’m playing the race card…
