(alternate caption: Isn’t it weird that someone actually had to pose/dress like that?)
I know it’s only the 2nd week of the Playoffs but I can’t care less. As a Giants fan, I need something to look forward to. And at 8-8, we have the 15th pick. And I did suit up at linebacker for a game, which is why I can say “we”. It’s also why they were miserable. Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of players that I would replace. Here’s my sales pitch (sans Brandon Jacobs because who would want that fat pussy?):
I guess the hot topic in the last two weeks of the season is all this “who is getting rested in favor of not getting hurt” garbage. The NFL is now going to investigate this practice, probably due to all the cries from the public about the Colts and their brush with history. Me? Well, I’m a Giants fan so to divert my attention from this horrific season, I’m going to start yelling about things like this. I could honestly care less about 16-0 if you it doesn’t come with a Super Bowl win. Ultimately, if you pull a Patriots of 2007 you are basically saying that you were almost the best team in the league. You are telling me that you beat everyone that Heir Goodell told you to play, but Goodell can’t predict the playoff picture no matter how hard he will try. You are telling me that when there was one single game when everything was on the line and you made mistakes and let another team come in and kick your ass. And besides, I kind of like the luster of the ’72 Dolphins record. I was also mad at Emmitt Smith breaking all those records.
I don’t see how Goodell can physically force someone to not rest starters when starters have earned the right for rest. Going 14-0 in the regular season mathematically puts you in the playoffs in every possible scenario. Not going for this record is obviously, up to the coach and depending on how douchey he is. There are many ways around this “benching” too, say with these mandatory injury reports. “Oh no, suddenly Peyton, Reggie Wayne, Dallas fucking Clark and Dwight Freeny all got the flu last night. Mega-frownies :(“. How can you stop that?
If you have read anything I’ve ever wrote, you know I always propose a solution to the problems I rant about. My solution? 21 game season. Yes. You read that right. 21 games. Imagine, 21 weeks of professional football? In all it’s glory. Blow right by 18 games and head straight to half a year of football. Now, I know what you are saying “Why, Logic! That’s not very logical at all! LOLz”. Well, cram it dick bag. Everyone agrees with me and you stink. Take 2 bye weeks. I don’t care.
I think this 21 games would make the undefeated season next to impossible. We would never have to judge Jim Caldwell like we are Greek Gods choosing who goes to Hades or hear Mike Francesa struggle for air in between sips of Diet Coke and spitting when he talks over callers. I think resting starters would have to become strategy if their frail, girlish bodies can’t handle all 21 weeks of the gridiron. I know Brandon Jacobs will probably shatter into dust and Jeremy Shockey will probably break like a Kit Kat. The resting of starters would almost seem mandatory when your starters are big sissies.
When the NFL changes to this 21 game season, they could get rid of the preseason and then people will stop complaining about people getting injured during those 4 weeks as well! How perfect is this? If we eliminate all the “who gets injured because of what reason” talk, I think my migraine will go away because all injuries would happen during the regular season. As you see, Wes Welkah has been injured in the week 17 game v. Houston and they lost the game and now have their only WR that tries on bedrest in the playoffs after they already clinched. How come no one is torturing Hoodie like they did Caldwell? I’m playing the race card…
Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at HatedHero11@gmail.com or @Hbomb47 and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. Whatever your little heart desires. I’m not picky. I’ve fucked a fat ginger before. I swear. Actually it was on the beach and I gave her the Screamin’ Seagull. No lies.
Now, let me get into the email I received (letter in italics, Logic in bold)
Seems like the only things we do over here are post bukakkes Blogkakkes, Last Calls and other link dumps. Well that’s my fault. I’m too busy swimming in hot chicks and money to find anything to write about. Last night, I spent all night trying to fit all these 20$ bills in my wallet! It was nearly impossible! I got to admit, sometimes being a sports blogger has it’s downside. Like when the paparazzi won’t leave you alone. (Ed. Note: UGH! I hate when that happens!) Other times, things just seem to fall in your lap.
I’m not sure if all the sexin’ has been the Giants downfall, unless Antonio Pierce slipped a disk doing the pile driver, because then I KNOW that’s the problem. I think the problem is this ratio of economy=Bill Clinton:George Bush::defense=Spags:Sheridan. That’s the real problem. All the guy had to do was coast, for crying out loud! I think Eli dippin’ his wick into a bunch of sluts actually makes him human. He was knocked by New York media for being emotionless during his rookie season and then the same NY Media ripped Mark Sanchez and Rex Ryan for crying and being over emotional in their rookie seasons. If you want the middle ground, you get Rex Grossman. So shut up, NY Post. You stink.
The source might not be credible. First of all…she’s a whore seller. Secondly, she knows AJ Daulerio is a blow fiend (and Deadspin is Brooklyn-based) who wasn’t paying attention until she mentioned hookers and Eli Manning in the same sentence. The Daulerio was interested. It’s Eli’s squeaky clean image that makes this interesting. If she said “Tiger Woods”, people would have bought her shitty book of lies. However, It is still all hearsay and Joe Namath is still the biggest womanizing quarterback in New York…even today he gets my sexual harassment charges than Eli and Sanchez combined.
I can only imagine how you would have to get the information out of Eli for conformation:
Police Man: “Now Eli, on the dolly, show us where she touched you…” hands Eli blow pop Elisha: drools “She touched my fireman.” Smiles and winks at stuffed animal he brought for courage Police Man: “Oh thank God, this is over.”
end scene
Football's Val Venus
Did anyone ever check to see if Archie and his wife had the same surname? This whole family has way too large of foreheads. Plus, Wikipedia says Eli lives in the same building as Jesse Palmer and we know that guy is pulling tail (see: Erin Andrews, the Bachelor), I bet the whores were on their way to his apartment he just ordered them to Eli’s crib (meant literal, not black-talk) where he would pick them up. Because he’s sly like a fox, that Palmer is. Anyway, does Deadspin have like a direct line for whores to call that say they have inside information on Tiger Woods? Like a sexy batphone? Or a stiletto shoephone like in Get Smart?
The Morning After Pill is where we review the previous day in the sporting world. Certain sports/teams are left out due to extreme lack of caring or hangovers
Headbanging coffee cup for a head guy? Headbanging coffee cup for a head guy. My day can begin…
College Football
Thursday Night brought us a conference college football match-up between Nebraska and Missouri Yawn. Sloppy field conditions and even sloppier play saw the ol Cornhuskers down 12-0 going into the 4th quarter. That is until Bo Pelini and company decided to quit fucking around and put up 27 points. Which is good news if you’re a Cornhusker fan, bad news if you (ie me) bet on Mizzou.
MLB
It’s almost that time of the year when baseball hibernates for the winter. Bows head Thank god. However, first we must make it through the playoffs. Last night saw 3 games take place, none of which I watched because I was too busy drinking looking for a cure to cancer…Yes cancer research. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. At least if my sponsor asks.
The Cardinals find themselves down 2 games to the Dodgers and Manny’s awesomely dirty looking dreads. Matt Holliday apparently had a costly error according to Twitter. I would have known firsthand if I had no life and watched baseball actually gave a shit.
Colorado tied up their series with the Phillies after a 5-4 victory. In other news makes wanking motion.
In boring playoff news the Angels brought out the rapesticks last night, shutting out the Red Sox 5-0. Normally I would be ecstatic, maybe even orgasmic after seeing Boston lose. However, I would prefer to enjoy the dismay of Boston fans after the Phillies and Yankees (suck it Logic!) are eliminated from the playoffs. Or in the case that the Phillies win the whole goddamn thing, a huge fucking meteor hits whatever stadium they’re in when they receive the championship trophy.
If the broken spirits of baseball fans could be served up as a meal my feast of dismay would look something like this:
Appetizer
Philly Cheese Steak
Main Course
New York Strip
Dessert
Boston Creme Pie
Kinda made myself hungry there. My Bloody Mary will have to wait…
The Morning After Pill is where I review the previous day in sports. Certain teams and sports are left out because I don’t care about them.
NFL: The Jet’s have plans of embarrassing the Patriots this weekend. It seems to me that usually when guys/teams run their mouths off about taking down, embarrassing or annihilating a team, the other team takes offense and comes to town to rape and pillage the offenders women. Good job New Yawk. This one is a day and a half old, but deal with it as my computer was down…. The Chargers likely have to face Baltimore without 3 key offensive starters.
Keeping it classy. This is a sports blog after all.
The reason I bring this up is that they list LaDainian “LaToeInjury” Tomlinson as one of their key Offensive players. That offends my senses, as he’s not been key for the last two years. Since Anthony Gonzalez dropped in a heap to the turf with a 2-8 week knee injury(pussies, Belichick would have just said he’s out day to day with indigestion.), the Colt’s have been looking to shore up their receiving core as after Reggie Wayne it’s pretty much rookies. Well fear not drinkers of the Peyton Kool Aid, we’ve signed Hank Baskett. You know what that means? Our first hot celebrity fan, Kendra Wilkinson. Yay.
:NCAA Football: Well it looks like we get to return to the time of cocky insolent We Are The U, Miami University all around general douchieness.
God I'm Awesome. Look how Awesome I am.
The Hurricanes are now 2-0 and both shitty opponents that they’ve beaten were highly overrated, albeit ranked, clusterfuck teams. They’ve beaten FSU, and now Georgia Tech. Just because I can’t defend against the triple option on NCAA ’09 doesn’t mean a professional well trained college team with decent coaching can’t.
MLB: Fuck, is this sport still playing? Will the World Series soon be over, so I can forget the disgraceful Toronto Blue Jays and the inevitable fact the Roy “Doc” Halladay is definitely not resigning and going to either the Sawx, Dodgers, Phillies, or the Yanks? I think I just threw up a little thinking of that. The Angels beat the Red Sox 4-3 to end a 7 game win streak. Snapping 7 game win streaks is so last week, when the Rockies had theirs broken. Cole Hamels took a perfect game into the 6th inning as the Phillies beat the Nationals 4-2. Is it just me, or was that way more interesting when Buehrle did that and then some a few weeks ago. continue
