Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday November 26th 2011

‘College Football’ Archive

The Gally Blog’s BCS National Championship Preview- Auburn Tigers Vs. Oregon Ducks

Here’s a quick national championship preview. This is a sports blog fer crissakes. The Auburn Tigers and Oregon Duck both have prolific offenses, but everyone knows the SEC is bigger, faster, and stronger than the Wack-10. Tonight’s game may, in fact, be the shootout everyone has predicted, but I think Auburn will come out on top in the end. I predict Auburn will win 41-35. The Auburn defense has been shaky for many quarters this year, but has always been able to come up with a big stop or two or a turnover or two when they’ve needed it. If Nick Fairley can get a hold of anybody he will make an impact although Oregon’s skill players may be too fast for him. I think whichever team forces more turnovers will win.
Plus check out this video someone made for Oregon, totally gay.

Now check out this video of some guy getting people in South Korea to cheer for Auburn I saw posted on Track ‘Em Tigers:

I think we can see the advantage clearly goes to Auburn based on the above videos alone. I rest my case.

Popularity: 1% [?]


*Wet Spot in Pants Grows Slowly*

OK everyone, settle down. Yes, this is a bad long awaited post from PJD, but I just had to share this with someone.

Three people are aware that I usually just write about Minnesota Vikings football over at Purple Jesus Diaries, and occasionally I share funny stories, sports humor, and swear words at this here blog. Mostly, I’ve shared things around college football. That is largely because I melt like a a stick of butter on your moms tits whenever I see anything related to college football. Gameday music? Erection. Marching bands playing school songs? Weak in the knees. Co-ed girls stripping and having threesomes? That is sometimes OK too.

As the college season ends, however, I get a little sad and really tend to grab on to things like the above posted video, which is of the University of Hawaii marching band CREATING A KICKER, AND THEN KICKING A FOOTBALL. I cannot stress enough how fantastic this is. The stick figure is true schtick (eh?!) and even the form is fantastic. His gallop towards the ball, the spreading of his arms as he kicks, the planting of the foot and extension and follow through with the ball … Damn. You ever see anything like this in the NFL? No! You just see roofs collapsing and quarterbacks committing suicide because they don’t know how to live without football. GAY. This, this is awesome.

And that’s why I wanted to share it with you.

Popularity: 1% [?]


College Football Rivalry Week: The Iron Bowl is PsyOps Level This Year

This picture was tweeted with the comment, "An Auburn fan literally risked their life to get this photograph."

This week is college football rivalry week and, let’s face it, time for everyone to say their team’s particular rivalry game is the most heated, has the most gruesome history, or breaks up the most families. Those are all things worthy of being asserted with puffed-out chests to be sure, but one thing not to be disputed is whoever had the balls to tape a Cam Newton jersey t-shirt to the Bear Bryant statue in Tuscaloosa, take the time to snap a picture, then I’m sure retrieve the Newton shirt (not pictured) needs a medal of fan valor to be pinned on their chest by Lee Corso in yet another cheesy College Gameday powered by the Fart Depot commercial. That’s PsyOps level commandoism right there. After this mission was over the Auburn fan just smelted (get it, Iron?) into the bushes and has since retired to a simple life of gator hunting and cigar smoking in the Louisiana swamp. He goes into town bi-weekly to get supplies, but is very stand-offish. He never lets a smile slip and rarely says anything more than “thank you” as he slowly stalks back to his quiet little corner of the world to wrestle the demons of his past and try to forget the faces in his nightmares.

There are other heated rivalry games, but the Iron Bowl between Alabama and Auburn is certainly one of the most storied. This year’s game will mark the second in a row the game will have national championship implications. That reads like something a college football writer would put in an article, right? *pops collar* There are other meaningful games to be played this week between teams who have hated each other throughout history.
“The Civil War” between Oregon and Oregon St. (mouth fart)
“The Egg Bowl” between Mississippi and Mississippi St. (dismissive wanking motion)
Whatever they call the game between Ohio St. and Miami of Ohio Michigan
Some other regional battles (whatevs)

Those are nice, but if you only watch one rivalry game this week make it the Iron Bowl, Friday on CBS at 1:30 CST. Auburn folks have been bringing the heat this week as far as taunting leading up to the game. Check out this joke that has been tweeted and retweeted by Auburn people: Overheard joke: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Bama.” “Bama who?” “Exactly.” O snap, son. That’s a Bieber-level burn. The only thing worse is if Bama would have been “sacked like a sacker” whatever the freak that means. Alabama people have also come strong with the smack this week. There have been rumblings that the Bama fans have been gathering monopoly money from their home games and plan to make it rain in the stadium at a predetermined time in order to make sport of the Auburn quarterback’s problems with off-the-field money scandals. Well played, Bama fans, but the joke will be on you next time you go to the classic Parker Brothers board game. I did see a funny photoshop some Bama fan made on this thread.

Cam Monopoly money or Camopoly money. That’s strong work.

Also, this post was rather amusing. The Iron Bowl According to Facebook by Chad Gibbs. Should be a good game. I’m sure the Florida-Florida St. game will be riveting as well. Are you sufficiently stirred up yet?

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Cam Newton Dressed Up As a Fairy for Halloween. Are You Going to Make Fun of Him?

I don’t think I’ve seen a guy dressed as a fairy look so manly since Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Cam Newton is the fairy on the left. The sexy nurse on the right is Clint Moseley.

Each year at Halloween I shake my head (or #SMH, #SMDFH, #RealTalk as the kids say these days on the twitterz) at the number of adults dressing up. To me, 12 is the cutoff age for dressing up and trick-or-treating. It’s fun for kids to dress up, though, and I will never, ever hate on or attempt to impede anyone’s efforts to get candy. The only way I can see adults dressing up for Halloween is if it’s one of those classy costume parties like in the Kubrick movie Eyes Wide Shut.
Not many people think as I do on the subject, though. One group in particular that embraced dressing up is the Auburn University football team. They had a costume party/ competition on Sunday night, and has the pictures to prove it. They got most of the pictures from receiver Terrell Zachery’s twitter profile as he was tweeting out pictures throughout the event. Here’s one more of “Super” Cam Newton and defensive lineman Antoine Carter dressed as Usain Bolt. (more…)

Popularity: 4% [?]


Bullet Points: Rebirth

I’m repurposing the old Bullet Points thing to be in the vein of Peter King’s Things I Think I Think or Orson Swindle Spencer Hall’s Alphabetical. You know, except not as annoying as the former and not as awesome as the latter.

The Saints Aren’t The Greatest Show On Turf but I wouldn’t say that’s a bad thing. The offense is still weapon-laden, but against the Vikes and Niners, they’ve been only effective. As long as they have a defense to match (and an entire city of Dr. Facilier-types), I wouldn’t worry. Except for fantasy owners of Drew Brees. Such as myself. So it goes. I just know that I’m done picking them to beat a spread any time soon.

Thank The Deity Of Your Choice I Can’t Watch The Bills Here because we’re going to go with a QB change in Week 3. I’m sorry- Joe Montana would be ineffective without an O-line, a number 2 reciever, a set starter at RB, and continuity in the coaching ranks. I don’t disagree that Trent Edwards is, in fact, not a good starting QB. But Ryan Fitzpatrick isn’t either. And a lot of the problems with the team have been largely due to odd playcalling (Uh, that guy you drafted #9 overall? You might want to play him. You even named him the starter.) not directly to QB play. This is a cosmetic change at best- and if you’re in a suicide pool, take the Pats this week. If you’re a betting man/lady/manlady, take the Pats regardless of the line and just give me 5% so I can buy enough whiskey to get through another miserable Bills season.

It's what's for dinner. And breakfast. And hell, everything else.

How Are The ACC And Big East Still AQ Conferences in the BCS? They have a combined two (TWO!) teams in the AP Top 25. Granted, it’s early- and I don’t doubt that Bill Stewart will pull a bowl win out of his kiester and look like he’s in an old Keystone Light ad in the process- but it’s ridiculous that a four-loss Pitt team could go to a better bowl than a one or two loss Utah. And while we’re here- would we dock Da U for playing in the ACC if they had gone undefeated this season? I don’t think so, which is why it’s a crime that Boise State stands no chance of getting in the title game.

That Said, The BCS Title Game Would Be The Worst possible outcome for Boise. This seems to be a stupidly top-heavy year in the NCAA- basically Alabama, then tOSU………..then Boise. The first two are just playing much better football than anyone else. If one of them falters in league play and everything holds, we have a title game of Boise vs. tOSU/Alabama. If the disparity is what it seems like, then Boise gets run over and suddenly the cause of mid-majors gets set back another 10 years. This isn’t the best team Boise has had, and it would be a shame to let it get the showcase now if it went predictably.

Scratch That- getting stuck with TCU for another year would be the worst possible outcome.

Word Is That Ohio University’s Mascot Planned His Attack on Brutus the Buckeye. About damn time someone snapped- I mean, they chant O-H! I-O!…and never add the State. If Penn State chanted Pennsylvania (and we don’t, for obvious length reasons), UPenn grads would….well, do whatever Ivy people do when they’re upset. Write theses or something. Point being, this was a long time coming, and we’re just lucky he didn’t beat the guy dotting the script Ohio with a cricket bat.

The Week’s Sign That The Coaches Poll Is Useless comes from a first place vote given to Nebraska. They beat the Washington Fighting Jake Locker Upsides. Did second place go to Michigan State because they beat Notre Dame (and they’re always good!)? Why this poll continues to exist is a complete mystery to myself and anyone capable of thought on any level.

I’m Deeply Bothered By Mark Dantonio calling his fake field goal “Little Giants”. The trick play in that movie was a Fumblerooski, sir, and no post-game heart attack will change that. If they run a fake punt called “Air Bud: Golden Reciever”, I’ll burn down East Lansing. Which might be an improvement BAZINGA

Ok, add your own snow.
Downtown East Lansing

Things That Say Everything About The Situation Department: I make sure I’m awake for College Gameday on Saturday, and can recite a Tom Rinaldi tinkly piano piece off the top of my head. I intentionally sleep until at LEAST noon on Sundays, and watch infomercials until the games start.

On That Note Mr. T is in a goddamn infomercial for the FlavorWave Oven. My quality of life just went up 900%.


Speaking Of Hair And Things That Have It this might be my favorite idea for a fantasy game ever. If I can start betting on this stuff, I’m going to be broke yesterday.

The Stadium Was Half-Empty And I Wasn’t Watching The WNBA at Camden Yards last week. I was really impressed by the place, it’s a shame the team is rather craptastic. I feel like Camden and PNC Park should be given the Sox and Yankees for a year just so they can feel what it’s like to have winning there. It’s rather amazing that a stadium that old is still that nice.

This Has Nothing To Do With Allegations but the fact that Shannon Sharpe still has a job is a crime against enunciation. I don’t care what he did or didn’t harass- he makes listening to Michael Strahan seem tolerable.

I’m Increasingly Convinced That An Average Madden Player Could Coach an average football team. Things like Joe Flacco’s regression are less to do with the player himself and more to do with the playcalling. The Ravens were a team built on the run with Rice, MaGahee, and McClain. Now they’ve got toys, but forgot their identity. It’s not a problem specific to them- I remember the Steelers doing the same thing in Year 2 of the Tommy Maddox era. It might be happening to Sanchez in New York too- coaches forget that their QB’s were effective game managers, not Peyton Manning 2.0.

If I’m The Eagles and thankfully, I’m not- my soul remains intact- I fire Andy Reid, hire Urban Meyer and just have Vick run the spread. Seriously- with Vick, Shady McCoy, Jackson, Maclin, a sprinkling of Riley Cooper, and the occasional Runaway Beer Truck Owen Schmitt…it’s horrifying. I could root for that team. Except, you know, for the whole spelling the name thing. And that song. FLYYY EAGLES FLYYY ON THE ROAD TO GOD KILL ME

Popularity: 1% [?]


Your Final Big XII Football Preview Forever

The Big XII had a bit of a renaissance in 2009. Old powers rose again in Nebraska, rivalries were renewed in the South, and Colorado was reminded of their place by being a horrible, horrible football team. Just like they should be. In the offseason, the romantic winds of change blew up the conference’s skirt as it was looking to establish itself as perhaps the second most relevant NCAA football conference outside of the SEC. That is, until Missouri started flirting with the Big 10, Colorado ran to the Pac10, Nebraska ended up being the school to move to the Big 10, Texas threatened to leave for the west as well, and Texas A&M almost headed to SEC country. When all was said and done, the Big XII was left weak, with doubts about it’s future, and a clear center of power in Austin, Texas.
But this isn’t the place to discuss conference realignment. There is some real, genuine, college football that is starting up soon. There are crowds in Kansas that are prepping to wave their arms like a cornfield. There are people in Lubbuck who are curious about their new coach. There are fans in Norman looking forward to a rebirth of their team. And fans all across the Big XII are prepping for one last swan song, one final send off for Colorado and Nebraska before the Big XII as we know it dissolves. Will there be blood? Oh yeah. Buckets of it enough to satisfy a Twilight Mom. So let’s get this college football season started, with a Big XII preview.

Popularity: 1% [?]


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