Gally Blog denizens and people who heard about the $25 and came-a-clicking,

The NFL season is set to begin on September 9th, only a few days away. The only thing that can make the best sport in the world even better is being able to win money off of football betting and brag to your friends how you know more about the NFL than them or the bookies. The Gally Blog Pigskin ‘Em Contest is just such a sensual combination. The winner of the contest will receive a $25 Visa gift card as a prize. Tell your friends. All are welcome.

Here’s the breakdown:

• We will use the ESPN Pigskin Pick ‘Em Engine, the group is here.
• The picks will be made against the spread, not straight-up winners since that’s for pussies.
• Entries are locked meaning you may only enter/ leave the group before the season begins on Sept. 9th. This is done to prevent shenanigans.
• At the end of the season the winner of our group will be mailed a $25 Visa gift card that I will buy. If I win I will not buy a gift card.

In addition to this contest I will also be writing a weekly post revolving around NFL betting called “Rubetastic” or something else if I can think of something better. I have been making my own NFL lines for around 5 years, and while I am no expert I would rate myself as an above average prognosticator/ handicapper. The Rubetastic post will be a mixture of picking against Vegas lines, insight into why I think a line was set a certain way, what my own lines are and how I came to those lines, overall NFL betting trends I notice, apologies about being completely wrong the prior week, and a disclaimer that the post is all for fun and you assume all risk when betting on the advice of some jackhole on the internet. I do all my betting offline with a guy I call Jimmy Bags (like the character in The Departed.) He lets me call him that, actually. I choose to forget his real name. Also, he will talk in a 1920′s gangster voice if I ask. It’s the personalized customer service of Jimmy Bags that keeps me coming back.

Related posts:

1. Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 1 Danger
2. Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 12, Huge Heterosexuals Edition
3. Rubetastic: The Gally Blog Weekly NFL Betting Guide: Week 2

If you haven’t noticed, I’m a blogger by convenience. Apparently I also say gay things, or so says a bunch of people who worship a purple team, have a sex slave as their avatar and someone who can’t stop thinking about wanking it. Not to mention the hottest blogger in Blogfrica! Pffttt. That’s like being the best suicide bomber at Pearl Harbor. I digress, my fantasy baseball season is about to begin with a draft on the Ides of March so I needed to do research. Which would make a good blog post. So you’re welcome, Internet.

There are many websites and experts in fantasy baseball with a lot to say and “keys to winning your league”, which you probably have to pay for. It’s really aggravating. Just like how Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay have jobs. I heard McShay in an interview, and he said don’t take Suh with the first pick…/sigh

Fantasy experts are retarded. I don’t even begin to beg you to take my advice, let alone pay for it like Matthew Berry. Hell, the guy has 200k followers on Twitter. I didn’t think rapidly balding dorks were “in”? The main difference between me and him is simple, I don’t encourage taking my advice. Actually, I encourage quite the opposite. I usually do miserable. I can’t predict injuries worth a crap. I had Grady Sizemore and Cole Hamels last year. In football, I had Peyton Manning on his worst year since his rookie season. Even when I draft perennial talent, they do bad. There is nothing you can control. This isn’t like being the banker in Monopoly. However, here is the strategy I’m going to follow this year:

Draft an infield first: Last year, I took two OF’s first. Grady Sizemore at 12th and Matt Holliday at 13th overall. It didn’t work out well. It was also my first year of fantasy baseball, so don’t kill me just yet. After this year, if I don’t improve…then kill me. Actually, I’ll commit seppuku.  Well, the thing with taking outfielders as high picks is that the lower picked outfielders worked out better for the other guys. For instance, guys who drafted Ryan Braun, Carl Crawford or Jason Bay were much happier with their results than I was. This year, rather than reaching on guys like Ryan Braun, Carl Crawford, Matt Kemp (my top 3) why not draft a guy like Sizemore or Josh Hamilton coming off a down year? Or wait for a Zobrist or Adam Dunn. Those guys didn’t just lose their talent. Everyone is entitled to a down year. Also, See: Upton, BJ.

Enough about OF though, the reason you really draft infield and catchers first, is that there aren’t many top tier talents out there. Think about the significant drop off from A-Rod, Pujols, Mauer, Ramirez and Utley compared to Outfielders (Braun, Kemp, Crawford, Holliday, Ellsbury) [Top 5 via Bleacher Report] or Pitchers (Lincecum, CC, Verlander, King Felix, Halladay) [Top 5 via Open Sports].

Closers are like kickers. I’ll come at you if you draft them high: After the obvious great closers like Mo, K-Rod and Papelbon…I think it drastically falls off. Maybe throw Broxton in there, but the rest are all kind of mediocre. The thing is, the mediocre closers can suffice. Don’t waste your early picks on a closer when Saves is just one category you can win and the innings, strikeouts, ERA, WHIP won’t affect you nearly as much as a starting pitcher would. I had a great year in a league with 2 closers. I got by with, Trevor Hoffman and Huston Street last year. I drafted Hoffman but I also could’ve picked up Fernando Rodney, Kevin Gregg or JP Howell who all were pretty decent for their squads. Street and Hoffman actually turned out to be All-Stars which was a plus, but I didn’t waste picks. So why waste an early pick on Mariano Rivera who won’t really affect your team THAT much, but if he sucked, he could ruin you?

Keep an eye on young talent: This might be kind of a no-brainer, but I’d like to point out some notable guys that really came on last year. For example, Andrew McCutcheon was probably my biggest pick up because of the Sizemore injury and Holliday slump until the trade. Other than him, Gordon Beckham impressed many with his performance as well. Who’s going to be the one to draft Stephen Strasburg?! There are a lot of questions with rookies. Let me throw a few out at you, will Austin Jackson start and be successful in Detroit? Will Matt Wieters become what Baltimore hopes? The key is to check out where the stars have moved. For example,Nate McClouth got moved to Atlanta and McCutcheon became the starter. I understand that was during the season, which is why this is very important to monitor throughout the season.

Don’t be a homer: This should be Fantasy rule #1, really. I’ll give you a good example. Wanna know how I suck at fantasy baseball? I was the guy who drafted Joba Chamberlain last year. Yeah. During the “Joba Rules” season. That’s how bad I suck. I’m a Yankee fan, I’m sorry. Rather than stretch on Sabathia and Teixiera like my friend did…I took Swisher, Joba and AJ Burnett. Nice job, Logic. It’s okay though. I was in a league with 8 Mets fans last year. It should’ve been easy money…

Bounce Back Years!: I’ve mentioned this quickly but bounce back years are key. You think Christmas Ape was happy with his Tom Brady pick this year in fantasy football? What makes you think guys like Grady Sizemore, Josh Hamilton and Cole Hamels can’t have amazing years again? Is there something I am unaware of where when a guy has one bad year, he is done forever? Like one of Newton’s Laws or something? I don’t know. I’m not a scientist but I don’t think those exist. Don’t read this wrong, though. These picks aren’t early picks! Read some Mock Drafts and see where these guys are going first. You may be able to grab Hamels in the 7th round, like the Mock Draft I am going on from “Open Sports”. You are also looking at the dude who drafted Chris Carpenter, so I must know what I’m talking about. /mouthfart.

Don’t get scared if your player starts in a slump: This is a MUCH bigger aspect of the fantasy world in baseball than football. That’s where I fucked up last year. In football, you have 17 weeks to tear it up. In baseball you have 6 months. For example, a guy in my league dropped Derek Lee last year. That pick up could’ve made my entire season turn around but for some reason the waiver wire wasn’t in tune with draft position. I should’ve had the first waiver Pick up because I had the last draft pick. That is something I needed to look into. The point is, that idiot should’ve have dumped D-Lee in May and he really helped out the dude who picked him up.

———————————————
FIN

Ok, and approaching 1,500 words I will cut it short. The real key to playing fantasy sports is in the waiver wire or drafting guys who get mysteriously hot out of no where. For example, last year if you drafted Zach Greinke, Nick Swisher, Ian Kinsler and Jason Bay… I bet you didn’t lose a game until June or July. I guarantee you that no one predicted those years for those guys because NONE of them went in the first 3 rounds. Zach Greinke was out of baseball a few years ago with mental disorders, for Christ’s sake.

So good luck and take my advice, don’t take my advice…Hell, take the opposite of my advice! Just don’t buy anyone’s stupid advice or you become just as stupid as them and I really would prefer it if you got castrated by two bricks. In conclusion, reproduction won’t be in your future, man.

Related posts:

1. Fantasy Baseball Update

And that’s that folks. The fantasy football year is over. Hopefully in some way your league decides who gets first pick for next year and you received it. That way, you can get Adrian Peterson or most likely Christ Johnson next year. Me? I’m going Tom Brady, Wes Welker, Randy Moss. Or something like that. In order of how they would get drafted, of course. I’ll probably have last pick in my money league and see where I land in this Blogger League. I finished in 6th place after a loss to Doktakra in the consolation game. But more importantly, we are still waiting on el Gimpo to eat his chicken fat.

There is something else going on in our league. The championship. Apparently, Bucholtz and Gally made a side bet that the loser has to write a poem for the winner. We are going to hold off on the poem until Gally gets into the full swing of things. He’s kind of been running with a tough crowd lately…

Poor, Poor Gally...

The Championship showdown between the Canadian sensations was actually a let down. These were two of the highest scoring teams we’ve had all year. They came into the playoffs as the 1 and 2 seeds. The final score? 74.21 – 69.23 in favor of your favorite blogger’s favorite blogger…Andrew Bucholtz. Yes, that handsome gentleman with the awesome mustache took the entire league down. Even after Gally was the last one to stay undefeated, and Bucholtz was the 2 seed going in so I guess this championship was an upset.

Now, for the line ups:

Bucholtz started Philip Rivers, Vincent Jackson, Steve Smith (Carolina), Ricky Williams, MJD, Fred Davis, Joshua Cribbs, Nate Kaeding and Philadelphia Eagles’ Defense.

v.

Gally who started, Aaron Rodgers, Donald Driver, Hines Ward, Pierre Thomas, Michael Bush, Dallas fucking Clark, Percy Harvin, Stephen Gostkowski and Indianapolis Colts’ defense.

Bucholtz only scored 74 points so it’s not like he made any AMAZING moves because they were just canceled out by mediocre/bad starts. Bucholtz could have made it a blow out if he went with Jerome Harrison (who had 20 points), Brent Celek and Robert Meachem (18 and 13 respectively). As for the starters, Philip Rivers played well and got him 18 points and was his high scorer. The downfall? Fred Davis. Forever, Fred Davis.

The biggest factor in Bucholtz’s win over Gally? The fact that Gally didn’t score 75+ points (/johnmaddenfantasyanalysis). It didn’t help that Aaron Rodgers didn’t pass much to Donald Driver. Gally probably had the worst week of the season with all of his injuries and benchings. He had no one on his bench score over 6.70 points and with his “Optimal Line up” that I just made in my head, his score would only get increased .80 of a point. But I would’ve played another defense after hearing Indy was going to mail it in against the Jets.

Alright folks, that really does it. Congratulations to Andrew Bucholtz, the Gally Blog’s 1st Annual Sports Blogger Fantasy Football Champion. Jeeze, I hope we don’t have to fit that on a trophy.

*also thanks to:

Rob from WI from Blog in WI

Adam from Avoiding the Drop

Monday Morning Punter from With Leather

Brandon from Rambling of the Unmotivated

Christmas Ape, author of The Football Fan’s Manifesto

Max Gallner from Fire Eric Bruntlett

James Brown from The Phoenix Pub

Doktakra from Doktakra

and

Flubby from Kissing Suzy Kolber

We were your hosts, Logic, Gimp and Gally and we are ready to throw on some David Banner- “Play” and just do da damn thang.

Related posts:

1. Sports Blogger Fantasy Football League Weekly Update: Play Off Edition
2. Sports Blogger Fantasy Football Update: Playoff Edition
3. Week 10 Fantasy Football Breakdown

Man, that title just didn’t seem to stop. Ok, so Gimp had a semi-update on our fantasy league. I guess as Ernie Anastos says, “Keep fucking that chicken”. I was lucky Gimp didn’t start Ahmed Bradshaw. He was lucky I didn’t want to play the waiver wire and look for a WR because Braylon Edwards would’ve tempted me. Not to mention my RB trouble and Jerome Harrison having his career in a night. Now, for a quick playoff update from our league.

It looks like we have a Canadian Championship! Just like I predicted (/false).

Gally (#1 seed) beat Christmas Ape (#4 seed) 86.27 – 82.17.

Gally scored 86 points right…Aaron Rodgers(37.52) and Dallas Clark  (22.50) scored 59 of those points. Yuck. This game makes me very mad because I was the #5 seed and I had the same record as X-Mas Ape but I lost in the last week of the regular season to Punter and Brandon to force me into a tiebreaker situation with Ape. Ape and I were both at 8-6, he outscored me by 300 points in the regular season. But then again, Ape was the 4 seed and the highest scoring team in the league. So the reason I am mad over this game is because I beat Gimp 111.96 to 108.52. Actually, both of us would’ve advanced if we went with the 6 team playoff.

Gally went with a risky move, starting Pierre Garcon (Ed. Note: Yuck. Colts fan.) and Eddie Royal over Donald Driver and Hines Ward. He is lucky that worked out in his favor. While, on the other end of the match, Ape must be pretty pissed that Drew Brees’ first loss of the season came during the playoffs in fantasy, because he could have started Joe Flacco and got the win. Honestly, I don’t think I would have done that either.

Andrew Bucholtz (#2 seed) defeated PUNTE and Brandon RotU (#3 seed) by a score of 163.12 – 86.20.

This was a shit show. First it started with the MJD show on Thursday night for AB. Then on Saturday, PandB got no help from Devery Henderson and the Saints. Then, Sunday just went downhill. Tom Brady was no help for Punte and Brandon. Meanwhile, in Bucholtz land where all vaginae taste like ale and toilet seats are made of solid gold bullion…the Phil Rivers to Vincent Jackson combination dominated for 45 points. The key to the match up? Yeah, he’s from Cleveland. Joshua Cribbs scored a gigantic 33 points. Punter and Brandon didn’t even have a chance.

Alright so there you have it. It’s Gally v. Bucholtz. #1 v. #2. For all the marbles. Who is the supreme sports blogger? Who can wear the most denim? All these questions will be answered next week…at…THE GALLY BLOG (/echoes)

Related posts:

1. Sports Blogger Fantasy Football Update: Playoff Edition
2. Sports Blogger Fantasy Football Year 1 Conclusion
3. The Gally Blog Fantasy Football League

Top Performers:

Kurt Warner- Had 261 yards and 5 touchdowns this week in a spanking over Chicago for Rob.

Ray Rice- Had a decent day 120+ total yards and 1 TD gave him 19 points for Punter and Brandon.

Greg Olsen- Doktakra started this man mountain who had 3 touchdowns from bad boy quarterback Jay Cutler. He also hurt Berstreet’s team. Is it weird that I know other people’s teams better than my own? Whatever. I’m dedicated.

Larry Fitzgerald- 123 yards and two scores. Fitz is a common player on Gimp’s team in this league. I have him in my money league. And Berstreet has him on her team. But that’s not the only thing we have in common. The other? Herpes.

Mike Sims-Walker- The fantasy breakout performance of the year goes to…MSW no doubt. Bucholtz, started him and MSW got him 20 points for the day.

Michael Turner- 166 yards rushing and 2 TDs gave Logic a nice week and 30 points.

Randy Moss- 147 yards and 1 touchdown plus 1 two point conversion was a nice start for Rob.

Frank Gore- 158 total yards and a score totaled to be 21 points for Flubby.

DeAngelo Williams and Joseph Addai had good weeks for Max. 161 total yards and 2 tds for Williams and 112 total yards and 2 tds for Addai.

Chris Johnson- 160 total yards and 2 TDs. This guy is on fire. It’s weird that the Titans can’t win a game with arguably the best runningback in the league. Imagine if he was still returning kicks?

Bad Starts

DeSean Jackson- He is totally killing Dok. Dok never knows when to start him and when to sit him and Jackson seems very unstable? Are fantasy player unstable? Or is that just molecules. Let’s move on.

Chicago’s Defense- I started these fucks and they gave me -1 points against Arizona. How weak is that?

Willie Parker- I guess he was MIA in the Pitt v. Denver game and Rob had him starting. It sucks for Parker owners because Mendenhall is having a break out year and isn’t looking to slow up anytime soon.

Willis McGahee- I predicted Willis McGahee would be good this year. He was awesome through the first 4 games. If you haven’t dropped him yet…DROP HIM. James Brown doesn’t check his team so I expect this from a guy like him.

Clinton Portis- You can’t predict injury. But still, he got .40 points for James Brown.

Bad Sits

Laurence Maroney- 87 yards and 1 TD was his stats for Bucholtz’s bench. Maroney is getting all the carries over in NE with the Fred Taylor injury. I’d be basking in the greatness he’s had in the last 3-5 weeks. I’m too lazy to check his actual stats.

Well that is everything that caught my eye. I have to go now and write a anniversary card for my girlfriend. I just hope it doesn’t come complete with rape jokes and spelling errors like my blogging. Or maybe that’s how I got the little lady smitten in the first place? I might be a genius. Hey, did I tell you about Alcomall?!?

No related posts.

Your Parents Don't Even Love You

And please, before your inner taintstain comes out, realize that I don’t make the point scoring system for Yahoo and I’m not the commissioner of my league. I just click the sort button on “Fantasy Points” and write dick jokes. Don’t act like that’s not impressive! What do you do? Yeah. Sit there and eat Cheetos. You sow.

Ok. Top 10 Fantasy Earned (by position):

It’s been a weird year in fantasy. It seems to go in a cycle. Running backs dominate for 2 years then Quarterbacks for 1 year and then Running backs for 2 more and then Wide Receivers and then Quarterbacks for 1 year and then back to Running Backs for 2 more years. This year is a Quarterback year. Well, I guess that is a very controversial statement. So scratch that. In my money league, quarterbacks rule. In this league, QB points are heavily weighted against them. Even though the highest QB beats out the highest RB by 10 points. Anway, here are the top 10 Quarterbacks:

1. Aaron Rodgers- 1989 yards in the air, 14 passing touchdowns with 2 interceptions. Throw in 188 yards rushing, 1 TD, one more 2 pt. conversion and 2 fumbles and Rodgers is your top earning QB with 156.36 points. I’m glad I drafted him in my money league. In the Sports Blogger league? Gally owns him.
2. Matt Schaub- 2342 yards with a 16:7 (td:int) ratio has the surprising Schaub at #2.Owned by Doktakra.
3. Peyton Manning- With 144 fantasy points, how is Gimp so terrible?
4. Tom Brady- Owned by Punter and Brandon. I guess this is where the regulars step in.
5. Ben Roethlisberger- Owned by Shiancock. Having a decent season. Nothing special
6. Brett Favre- Owned by Punter and Brandon, again. Having a very surprising season and most likely the “Pick Up of the Year” in most leagues due to his flipfloppiness. That’s a word right?
7. Phillip Rivers- Owned by Bucholtz. 7 turnovers hinder his point count a little bit but I thought he’d have many more TDs than 11 through 8 games. But then again, I predicted SD in the Super Bowl v. Green Bay. So don’t always listen to me.
8. Drew Brees- Owned by XmasApe. Brees started out with 6 TDs in Week 1 so if you look at his stats since, he hasn’t been too impressive with a 14/5 ratio and 2 TDs on the ground last week. Though, NO is playing v. Atlanta as I type and he had his BYE week already so I guess he should be ranked higher. But can we all agree that he is like Moses to the city of New Orleans and what he does in that pregame huddle is one of the coolest things in sports? (video after the QBs)
9. Tony Romo- Owned by Flubsters. After starting out like the douche he is, Romo has put together 2 very solid wins for the Cowboys with the emergence of a strong #1 WR in Miles Austin.
10. Carson Palmer- Owned by Logic. If you asked me what 3 QBs I liked before the season (besides the obvious Big 3) I would have said Philip Rivers, Aaron Rodgers and then Carson Palmer in that order. I was glad when I saw that I had him and I missed the draft.

Guys who are probably ruining your fantasy team:

1. Kurt Warner- Owned by Rob. Kurt Warner is having a miserable season with an 11/11 ratio through week 8. After a Super Bowl run, he may be showing his age a little bit. Though if you take away last week’s performance his ratio is 9/6. So put that in you pipe and smoke it.
2. Jay Cutler- Owned by James Brown. I’ve noticed that in both of my league the guy who drafted Cutler, also drafted Orton…like their success depended on each other. But Cutler also has an 11/11 ratio and is the schizophrenic nephew of all the drafted QBs.
3. Donovan McNabb- Owned by Max. McNabb has an awesome 9/1 ratio with 1 TD on the ground and only 1 more fumble on the year. However, he’s been hurt for much of the season.

Biggest Surprise?

1. Mark Sanchez- Owned by Logic. I just picked this latino clown (el clowno?) because I needed someone for a BYE week. I guess you could put Kyle Orton in this spot but this isn’t your list, is it gayboy? He has an 8/10 ratio but the 3 rushing tds help a truckload.

Ever since this whole “Running Back by Committee” bullshit, drafting has become 1,000% more difficult than it should be. There should be 32 RBs worth considering. Not 64+. And I have to write 64+ because teams like Tampa Bay, Baltimore and New England have to deploy anywhere between 3 and 6 backs in their offense…like douche bags. Back to the rankings:

1. Adrian Peterson- Duh. Owned by Punter and Brandon. With 937 yards total and 9 touchdowns, Purple Jesus was an obvious choice at #1 and whoever had Michael Turner ranked #2 (or #1 for that matter) deserves to eat dog shit with a shovel.
2. Maurice Jones Drew- Owned by Bucholtz. If I was there for the draft, I would have taken MJD with the #2 pick overall. Bucholtz got a steal with this guy at the #5 pick overall. (801 total yards, 10 tds)
3. Chris Johnson- Owned by XmasApe. I would have been nervous about drafting him with LenWhale vulturing all of those TDs last year. But the move paid off for XmasApe who grabbed him with the 13th pick overall. (961 totals yards and 5 TDs + one 2 pt conversion)
4. Thomas Jones- Owned by Max. Jones was a good pick this year. I wish I would have grabbed him in my money league because I didn’t even think about the Jets having an amazing offensive line and a rookie QB to hide. It stinks that he has hands like feet because I think he’d be a much bigger fantasy threat if he was able to catch anything but herpes. (704 rushing yards and 49 receiving with 7 tds)
5. Ray Rice- Owned by Punte and Brandon. Rice has been a pleasant surprise for owners of him this season. I said he wouldn’t be that good. Others thought he’d be much better. McGahee did vulture 7 tds from him already this season but Rice has been “the yardage guy” with 525 rushing yards and 349 yards receiving. 5 tds total.
6. Darren Sproles- Owned by Doktakra. This is where our league gets screwy. A guy like Sproles’ value jumps tenfold because of his Return Yardage/tds. He becomes a triple threat. In my money league guys get the return yards while defenses get the return TD points. I know, it’s one of the dumbest things ever. But Sproles has 169:1/267:2/900:1 (rushing:receiving:return) for 115 points total
7. Cedric Benson- Owned by Rob. This was a nice surprise for the Bengals. Though, the Bears (and Forte owners) might be kicking themselves. Benson (and solid game managing by Carson Palmer) has been the reason the Bengals have been winning. Benson is another one who gets hindered by his brick hands. 720 rushing yards and 5 TDs with 66 yards receiving.
8. DeAngelo Williams- Owned by Max. Williams was the 3rd RB rated on my draft board behind AP and MJd. I really should have pre-ranked my players, huh? 619 rushing/173 receiving. 5 TDs. Williams also gets destroyed by Jonathon Stewart (360 yards and 4 TDs) being a startable running back.
9. Ronnie Brown- Owned by Punter and Brandon. How are these guys not in first place? They’ve had 3 Rbs in the top 10 and their QB was in the top 10 as well. Whatever. I just realized I wasn’t talking about myself and suddenly lost interest. 518 rushing yards, 66 receiving and 7 tds.
10. Steven Jackson- Owned by Doktakra. Sjax is having a great year…too bad the Rams are FUCKING MISERABLE. He only found the endzone once this year. Which is infinitely more times than Larry Johnson did, whom I recommended drafting. With 784 yards rushing and 186 receiving he isn’t having a bad year.

Guys Who You Probably Hate:

1. Steve Slaton- Owned by Shiancock. Slaton had a break out year in 2008. He was everything Reggie Bush was supposed to be. He doesn’t even have THAT bad of numbers (342/2 and 314/3) but with 5 fumbles he isn’t THAT good. He was also benched this week and got -2 points in some leagues while Ryan Moats took the opportunity and ran with it like it was a white girl.
2. Matt Forte- Owned by Gally. With 593 yards and 3 tds there are worse options out there. For example, Larry Johnson. But he was over 30% of da Bears’ offense last year and is in a sophomore slump.
3. Brandon Jacobs- Owned by Flubby. 550 yards and 2 tds with worse hands than a digital clock which is not a good thing. I know, the last time that you heard that joke you probably fell off of your dinosaur.
4. Frank Gore- Owned by Flubby. Cannot Predict Injury. But in my money league if I had my way at pick 12 and 13, I wanted Jacobs and Gore that went at picks 10 and 11. I think I was better off with 2 WRs.
5. Clinton Portis- Owned by James Brown. 547 yards and 2 tds for the struggling Portis.
6. Brian Westbrook- Owned by Rob. You know what? You could have predicted this injury…
7. Reggie Bush- Owned by Gimp. The Saints took all value away from Bush when they stripped him of his return man duties. He has 319 total yards and 3 tds plus 70 return yards and 2 fumbles. I’m calling him one of the greatest busts of all time. Or at least since Ron Dayne. Remember him? Ah, now that guy sucked!
8. Marion Barber/Felix Jones. Logic/Ape respectively. Not only do Ape and I share interviews, but we share Cowboys running backs. The dude practically stalks me. 118.50 points between the two of them.
9. LaDanian Tomlinson- Free Agent. Just realized he was available and I plan to pick him up. Fuck. His 49 points is still better than Tashard Choice. But it’s clear that he is on the down swing and Sproles is the future of that franchise.
10. LARRY JOHNSON- Owned by Punter and Brandon. Ahhhh. Now I know why their team isn’t in first. They have Fantasy Football AIDs.

Biggest Surprises?

1. Cadillac Williams- One of the “Pick Ups of the Year” because he wasn’t on anyone’s radar at the draft. Fuck, everyone though Derrick Ward would be the clear starter there. Or at least Ernest Graham. And they had Warrick Dun. When Cadillac was named the starter, he took the opportunity and ran with it. Or, ran with it better than the other 3 RBs could
2. Willis McGahee- I told people to draft him and in the first 4 games he had 7 tds. I would have won you 4 games if you listened to me. I know he sucks now, its your job to manage the team past the draft, dickhead. What, am I supposed to do everything?
3. Knowshon Moreno- This is basically a Logic suckfest because these are all people that I told people to draft/grab but Moreno has 480+ total yards and 3 tds so far with splitting time with Correll Buckhalter (484 yards total and 1 td).
4. Rashard Mendenhall- This guy is obviously the future back of the Steelers. Willie Parker is either hurt or crying about being hurt. If Mendenhall doesn’t try to lower his shoulder into Hall of Fame murderers linebackers, he’ll be fine.
5. Kevin Smith- Who knew someone on the Lions could have 571 total yards and 3 tds?!?

And next is Wide Receivers. I thought the secret to drafting this year would be taking Larry Fitzgerald and Calvin Johnson with the 12th and 13th overall pick in my money league draft. I was wrong. I was wrong and stupid. (If you noticed, I have a fetish with people named “Larry” or “Johnson”) Now Larry Fitzgerald is under-performing with Warner too busy showing him how to pray instead of running routes and a guy named “Megatron” is hurt. ROBOTS DON’T GET HURT!!!! Anyway, the WR totals are screwy because of the fact that some of them are also return men. You’ll see. Oh yes. You’ll see alright.

Top 10 WRs:

1. Percy Harvin. Owned by Gally. 369 receiving yards and 3 tds. 860 return yards and 2 tds. See? It’s screwy. He has 113 points to top the WR depth chart
2. DeSean Jackson. Owned by Doktakra. 115 rushing yards (1 td), 501 receiving yards (4 tds), 219 return yards (1 td) is a triple threat. See? Return men are working it in this league.
3. Miles Austin. Owned by who else? Punter and Brandon. This is the “Pick up of the Year”. With 563 receiving yards and 148 return yards plus 6 tds, Austin was a pleasant surprise for any owner who grabbed him. Or if you’re in a deep league like I am, for money, some douche named Moose probably grabbed him. Looking at you, Moose.
4. Reggie Wayne. Owned by Logic. Finally, another player of mine on this 2100 word list. 689 yards and 6 tds. Is he ever not good?
5. Vincent Jackson. Owned by Bucholtz. 664 yards and 5 tds. Jackson is an up and comer in this league for King Laserface.
6. Andre Johnson. Owned by Doktakra. 697 yards and 4 tds with one 2 pt. conversion. Pre-ranked #3 WR is having a great season considering Schaub’s numbers.
7. Joshua Cribbs- Owned by Bucholtz. Somehow threw an INT, 130 yards rushing, 61 yards receiving and a whopping 1155 yards in the return game with 2 tds. See? 3 of the top 7 are return men. And this guy is strictly a return man. Well, really only because Mangini wouldn’t know talent if it choke-slammed him
8. Steve Smith- Owned by Rob. (Giants) If he wasn’t in the top 10, you know I was putting him as one of the leagues Biggest Surprises. 662 yards and 4 tds on the year so far as the Giants new #1 WR.
9. Chad Ochocinco- Flubby. This is a comeback year for this douche bag. Not flubby, flubby is okay. I hate Chad Johnson. With all my heart. Carson palmer secretly loves him though. 573 yards and 5 Tds.
10. Johnny Knox- Owned by Bucholtz. 310 yards and 3 tds in the air. 535 yards and 1 td from the return game. Ok so that was 4 of the top 10 are return men. See what I mean? I’ve been preaching this for weeks.

Guys Houses You Want To Top Tank:

1. Larry Fitzgerald- Gimp is hating the fact that he took him at pick #7. This guy had such a good year in 2008 capped off by a dominant playoffs and has disappointed with 509 yards and 5 tds. Trust me. Thats a fucking disappointment for this guy.
2. Brandon Marshall- 354 yards and 4 tds. This cancer has not helped out his undefeated team and did not reach 100 yards in any game this year.
3. Terrell Owens. Speaking of cancer. How’s Buffalo? I’m sure it is cold, ya dick. Couldn’t take Dallas, huh? Well Owens is going on this list because in my money league I traded for him and the one week I owned him, he got me 0 points off his 0 catch performance. So, I hope you and Ochocinco get into a head on collision and while Brandon Marshall goes to help out all the cars explode and a piece of shrapnel kills Marshawn Lynch and Larry Johnson.
4. Dwayne Bowe- Owned by James Brown. 304 yards and 4 tds for Bowe. I guess cutting an offensive coordinator during the preseason didn’t help much. Oh, and their QB is still picking splinters out of his ass from the last 9 years.
5. Steve Smith- Carolina. Owned by Bucholtz. This Steve Smith is now referred to as “the other Steve Smith” now. No joke. Seriously. That’s what they say on ESPN now. It’s stupid. People still can’t get over the fact that there are two guys with the same exact name in the NFL. “Still no love” says the Adrian Peterson on the Bears
6. TJ Housh- This is getting to 2600 words and I hate life so I’m not typing that dick’s name. After complaining why he was the 6th ranked WR in Madden and protesting the game he has 383 yards and 2 tds this year. Can we call him Douchemandzadeh yet? Has that ever been said because I’m LOLing at how witty I am right now.
7. Anquan Boldin- 404 yards and 1 TD. Can’t predict injury.
8. Calvin Johnson- 325 yards and 1 TD. Can’t predict injury.
9. Roy E. Williams- 249 yards and 2 tds. Can’t predict being an over rated player. Seriously. How many times can one say “I wish I was back on the Lions?”
10. Braylon Edwards. I wanted this guy to be on the Giants so bad but the Jets are 0-3 since getting him and he hasn’t even played bad. I think he will mesh well with Nacho. 331 yards and 2 tds.

Biggest Surprises?

1. Michael Sims-Walker- Owned by Bucholtz. This guy got some good WRs, eh huh? Well Sims-Walker has stepped up in Jax and has out played Torry Holt to actually make me acknowledge his hyphenated name.
2. Jacoby Jones- Owned by Logic. I just want to show you that another return man has the same points as Larry Fitz. 181 Rushing and Receiving yards with 3 tds. Plus 770 yards and 1 td in the return game
3. Mario Manningham- Owned by ShianCOCK. Manningham was a leading NFL WR through the first 4 games but has shittier hands than some of the retards in my high school. Plus he sat out last week. None the less, he has 439 yards and 4 tds.
4. Austin Collie- FA- 330 yards and 4 tds. He has become Peyton Manning fav. target over Pierre Garcon who had just 1 solid week, really.
5. Jeremy Maclin- 293 yards and 3 tds. Started out slow but is becoming a fav. target for McNabb and a compliment to Jackson over in Philly.

And lastly, Tight Ends. No, not like your mothers’. I decided I’m not doing kickers and defenses are fairly obvious. So this is the last one. Especially since our league is a little strange and has a WR/TE flex.

1. Owen Daniels- Owned by XmasApe 519 yards and 5 tds. He tops the list but not for long. Wanna know why? Knock Knock. (You: Who’s there?) Torn ACL. (You: torn ACL who?) He has a torn ACL. That’s it. That’s not a joke.
2. Vernon Davis- 375 yards and 7 tds makes him a valuable asset to Logic. Too bad, I was going to name him one of the biggest busts since Reggie Bush and Dolly Parton.
3. Dallas Clark- Owned by Gally. 584 yards and 3 tds has been Peytons 2nd fav. target. In my money league some douche has Peyton and Clark. I guess that’s not really douchey but actually rather smart. But you get my point
4. Antonio Gates- Owned by Punter and Brandon. 523 yards and 2 tds. I guess this guy deserves to be top 5 out of any.
5. Brent Celek- Owned by Bucholtz. Bucholtz is doing so well, obviously due to the waiver wire. Celek is one of the seasons big surprises with 447 yards and 3 tds so far.

Loose Ends:

1. Jason Witten- Owned by XmasApe. I’m used to seeing 100+ receptions and 1,000 yards from Witten who is having an off year with 348 yards and 1 td. Maybe he was the one truly, stuffing Jessica Simpson?
2. Greg Olsen- FA. I would have licked Berstreet’s mustache if you let me draft him before the season but he has struggled. How? I don’t know. Dude supposedly runs a 4.3 with pads on. And he’s about 260 lbs. Yep. That’s a beast. 215 yards and 3 tds.

Biggest Surprise?

1. Visanthe Shiancoe- Owned by Max. This should be owned by Shiancock because I believe in having a team named after one of your players. But whatever. Shiancoe has 6 tds from Favre this year and doesn’t look like he’s slowing down.

Ok, that I regret that. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s 3270 words and 2 and 1/2 hours I could have been stroking it to Kim Kardashian and her genie pictures. So excuse me. I need to uh, go to the bathroom now.

Related posts:

1. Week 10 Fantasy Football Breakdown
2. Sports Blogger Fantasy Football Update: Playoff Edition
3. NCAAF Week 6 Semi-Half Assed Recap

A quick update on my money league fantasy team; it didn’t get fucked over by a top performer as much as it got fucked over by BYE weeks and the Bellichick RB committee carries to the wrong guy. Who’d have thunk that Kevin Faulk would get 3 touches after the 2 of the top 5 RBs are down? I’m glad I didn’t give my fantasy advice for the week, because I would have gotten you 5 points.

Anywho, my team in this league got beaten by itself. My top performer was a QB who threw for 5 TDs and 0 INTs and somehow managed only 29 points and Minnesota’s defense got me 0 points for the second time this year. Well, here we go…

Top Performers:

QB: Carson Palmer- Owned by Logic. 233 yards and 5 TDs only grabs you 29 points which kind of sucks. TDs are 4 and 25 yards per point. This is a RB heavy league and I missed the draft, so fuck me, right?

QB: Tony Romo- Owned by Flubby and the Tequilla Mockingbirds (the most clever name in our league, IMO. How’d you miss this, Gimp?). Flubby got hit with the BYE hard this week but Romo got him 311 yards and 3 TDs in the air and 31 yards on the ground.

WR: Miles Austin- Owned by Punter and Brandon. This guy has gotten 16 catches for 421 yards and 2 TDs in his first 2 starts. I guess he’s a “must-start”, huh?

WR: dEsEAN jACKSON- Owned by the good doctor. 124 total yards and 2 TDs and 28 return yards, Jackson is having a solid day with 26 minutes left in MNF.

WR: Chad “Lost My” Johnson- Owned by Flubby. 118 yards and 2 TDs from the Carson Palmer. Ochocinco is having a Pro Bowl year for the unlikely Bungals.

RB: Ryan Grant- Owned by Adam (Shiancock). 150+ yards and 1 TD made Ryan Grant one of the week’s top earners v. Eric Mangini and his SS Browns. In related news, Brown is the color of shit. And the Browns are shitty. You really can’t get analysis like this anywhere else. Haha. Anal.

RB: Ricky Williams- Owned by Bucholtz. 92 totals yards and 3 TDs in the explosive game against those Saints. Only earned A/b 27 points but still a very good day.

RB: Cedric Benson- Owned by Rob. 189 yards and 1 TD in the blow out of his old team in Midtown. You think there were hard feelings? I’m starting to think that grudge matches are a great strategy (i.e. Shockey v. Giants and Ricky Williams v. Saints…seems to be a theme).

RB: Shonn Green- Free Agent. 144 yards and 2 TDs in his breakout performance. I’m just mad at the fact that in my money league, I have 3 Jets fans and 2 guys who need a RB ahead of me in the Waiver wire. God damn you, Eddie Royal! Why did you look so attractive last week?

TE: Vernon Davis- Owned by Logic. 90+ yards and 3 TDs after the QB change in San Francisco. Who knows, maybe he won’t be a bust?

Bad Starts:

Rob Bironas, Brandon Marshall and Mark Clayton- James Brown* was all excited about this league when it first started. Then going 1-5 made him “not care” and now he’s starting people with BYEs to have an excuse when he finishes dead last in our league. Yeah, even behind Gimp and Max and they are about as dumb as ether addicts.

RB: Glen Coffee- Gimp. I don’t know if he got the memo, but Frank Gore is back.

WR: Pierre Garcon and Hines Ward- Gally. Combined for 2.70 points.

Bad Sits:

WR- Patrick Crayton from Shiancocky. Had 97 yards and 2 TDs in the romp of the dirty birds. Tony Romo almost looked…good. Except for his post-game hat. That was gay as AIDs.

WR: Hakeem Nicks- Owned by Dok. Dok can’t predict injuries (to Andre Johnson), but Nicks who has had a loooong TD reception in the last 4 games should have been looked at for the flex. But again, Hester out earned Nicks by .10. I can’t blame Dok for the moves, but I’m just sayin’ it’s something to look at, you know?

TE: Jeremy Shockey- My favorite player outside of New York is owned by Gimp who sits him for Heath Miller? C’mon you fuckin’ fuck. Even Baby Logic knows Shockey has a better offense (and QB) than Heath Miller. Not to mention that Miami has been terrible against TEs all year.

Word

Good Starts:

RB: Ricky Williams- Bucholtz. He benefited from MJD having a BYE week, but a good start nonetheless.

Good Sits:

Felix Jones- Xmas Ape. I really just wanted to fill this section out. Ape sat Jones who has been riddled with injuries and all he contributed to the game with a fumble.
Pick Up of the Week?

If you didn’t know… It’s fucking Shonn Green. Duh. 144 yards and 2 TDs after Leon Washington broke his fibula and could be out for his career. I wonder if he’s regretting the fact he went to FSU and got that “solid education”?

Also, in our league… The return men seem to be dominating the point scoring. So if you have a return man who is involved in their offense like DeSean Jackson, Eddie Royal or Percy Harvin…turn them to a “must-start” if your scoring is similar to ours.

When asked for comment on the fantasy football week, my druggy friend Nick said: “Whatever man. I’m hallucinating. I need to leave so I can watch Barry Bonds beat the Seahawks.”

But seriously, folks…poop and drug jokes aside, I hope fantasy football gets outlawed from the United States, because I’m sick of being wrong. The only person giving worse advice than me is Big Troph, (thanks for the TO/Addai trade advice. I was lucky to turn TO into Shockey for crying out loud). Well, if you pretend that he messed you up you can get a free logo, according to his twitter.

/rubs hands together

Revenge is mine!

*Okay, for obviously giving up on our league, now you get ripped…Well, James Brown, that’s what you get for drafting like its 2007… LaDanian Tomlinson, Clinton Portis, Roy Williams, Jay Cutler AND Willis McGahee? C’mon. You’re better than that…

No related posts.

You throw in the fact that Philadelphia ruined a $150, 3-team Parlay that I was going to hit if they could beat the worst team in the league by 2 TDs like the Giants did and the fact that the Jets knocked me out of my suicide pool. And Logic is not very happy. Oh and did we mention that Notre Dame, New York Giants and Yankees all lost within 3 days of each other? Yeah. I’ve been cutting myself since Saturday and our cunt crack team of writers has been reminding me of it all day.

Btw: I’m getting destroyed in this league as well due to BYE weeks. Just as a p.s.

Top Performers:

QB: Tom Brady- Owned by Punter and Brandon. Have you heard of Tom Brady? He’s this no-name QB out of Michigan who split time and got drafted with the 199th pick overall. He’s supposed to suck. Doesn’t he get it? Well he threw 6 touchdowns yesterday and 380 yards. Most of that in 1 quarter of football. Pretty much all of it before half-time.

QB: Drew Brees-375 total yards and 4 TDs for the near perfect Brees against the Gmen. Hope your real proud of yourself, Tunison.

QB: Ben Roethlisberger- 428 total yards, 2 TD and 1 INT for Shiancock.

QB: Matt Schaub- 392 yards 3 TDs and 1 INT for Dr. Kra.

RB: Ray Rice- Owned by P/b. 184 total yards and 2 TDs for their bench. HA! That’s what you get for being an important blogger and going to Las Vegas without me!

RB: MJD: 178 total yards, 3 TDs and 1 lost fumble for Andrew Bucholtz. Even though he still hasn’t listened to Uncle Logic and started Joshua Cribbs yet…

RB: Thomas Jones- 227 total yards and 1 TD in the pathetic loss to the Bills for Max Payne.

RB: dEaNGELO Williams- 172 yards and 2 TDs for Max as well.

WR: Randy Moss- 129 yards and 3 TDs in the brutal beat down of the Titans for Rob from WI.

WR: Marques Colston- 166 yards and 1 TD in the rout of my Giants. Owned by Flubby.

WR: Welkahhh- 150 yards and 2 TDs as the security binky for Tom Brady and Ape.

WR: Eddie Royal- Owned by Gally. This lucky Canadian some how started him in this league which DOES get points for return yards and TDs… So that’s twice I’m fucked with this one.

Bad Starts:

Miles Austin and Ronnie Brown- Owned by P/b. They both had Byes. These guys were in Vegas so fuck us right?

Steve Smith (Carolina)- Bucholtz- Got him 0.40 points in the run happy offense of the Panthers. Even though the Giants Steve Smith didn’t play well either, he didn’t play this bad.

Willis McGahee- Owned by James Brown. Earned him less than a point.

Matt Hasselbeck- Gimp… in the week of the QBs you manage to earn 1.68 points. You need a shit ton of ritalin and a fantasy guide my friend…

Nate Washington- Had -22 yards receiving for Punter and Brandon. They’ve made this list a lot today…

Julius Jones, Mercedes Lewis- Flubby, Jones had 5 yards for you. I have more ether rags than that. Lewis? Yep. 5 yards as well. Combined for a point.

Rob Bironas- Nailed 0 points for James Brown during the shut out in New England.

Denver- Somehow has -5 points for Ape even though they only gave up 24 points and have 1 sack. I don’t know what that’s about.

Bad Sits:

Ray Rice- Owned by P/b. He could have started for Ronnie Brown and he had 184 total yards and 2 TDs.

Jon Stewart (not the funny/handsome one)- Owned by Rob. Had his breakout performance of the year with 110 yards and 1 TD. Who was going to predict that? I sure as hell wouldn’t. But I needed to fill space. Sorry Rob.

Zach Miller- Maximus sat him during his 139 yard, 1 TD performance. He was most likely the sole reason the Raiders beat the Eagles. Well that and Andy Reid spilling mustard all over his play sheet.

Good Starts:

Eddie Royal- Gally lucked out with this one, in his otherwise unimpressive week against a poor wittle team with BYE week troubles. I guess every dog has his day. Maybe he’ll touch a boob soon?

Good Sits:

New York Giants- Flubby has the Giants and didn’t start them v. the Powerhouse that is New Orleans. Unfortunately, I’m not that keen of a fantasy player and started them in my money league because of that whole #1 defense ranking and all. So what happens when an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object? Let’s just say something fucking moved.

Reggie Wayne, Marion Barber, Tashard Choice, Vernon Davis, Nacho Sanchez and Chansi Stuckey- Owned by Logic. Great sits for me. All combined for .36 of a point. (4 had a BYE, I just really wanted to make my own list).

Pick Up of the Week

This week I’m going with Tom Brady. If he’s open in your league… Grab this guy! Just kidding. No one flew under the radar this week and therefore I don’t have a pick of the week (Jermichael Finley didn’t have a break out week. He just played OKAY for Dr. Kra who did take my advice, which I like. P.S. More like JERKmichael, am I right Doc?)

Ok that wraps it up for me. Of course the Monday night game is still going on and if you didn’t start Eddie Royal or Darren Sproles you were a silly goose. Or in my money leagues’ case, Broncos and Chargers.

Related posts:

1. Sports Bloggers Derpity Derp Tweedle Dee Derp

Like always, my fantasy league that is for money has to get hit by an unstoppable force. (See: Week 1 Drew Brees or Week 4 Rashard Mendenhall), this week it was Michael Turner for 3 TDs, not to mention a Calvin Johnson injury and an Aaron Rodgers BYE. But here is the Sports Bloggers Fantasy Breakdown of Week 5. I decided to get all in-depth on your monkey asses because we’re almost a 1/3 of the season in.

First on the list, records!

1st Place and our last UNDEFEATED team(5-0, 445 points): FLUBBY

T-2nd Place at (4-1, 521 points… our point leader) our Editor in Queef, Gally

T-2nd Place at (4-1, 467 points), Andrew “Clay” Bucholtz. /badnickname

T-2nd Place at (4-1, 455 points). Yours Truly. Logic. (taking new team name suggestions)

T-5th Place at (3-2, 498 points) Punter and Brandon with the truly Unmotivated Leathers

T-5th Place at (3-2, 461 points) the last 1/3 of KSK, Xmas Ape

7th Place, the last 1/3 of The Gally Bloggers, el Gimpó at (2-3, 444 points…all of which came last week)

T-8th Place after the recent beat down I gave, Doktakra and the Sac-Town Kings at (1-4, 399 points)

T-8th Place, the (highly disputed) winner of Gimp’s Best Name contest, Shiancock at (1-4, 391 points)

T-8th Place, one who can really be taught how the male body works, Vick’s Dead Eagles or Max Gallner. (yeah, he’s fucking 16) at (1-4, 373 points)

T-8th Place, the one who must really hate Kurt Warner, Favarro Must Die (1-4, 372 points) as well.

T-8th Place but really in LAST PLACE due to the “point scoring” tie breaker, James Brown at (1-4 301 points)

Top Performers:

QB: Peyton  Manning had his 5th consecutive 300 yard passing game. 309 yards and 3 TDs for Gimponit.

QB: Donovon McNabb had 330 yards with 3 TDs through the air and 30 yards on the ground which would rack up to be a silly 25 points in our league. It’s a shame QB performances get hindered by league rules. Ok, I’m over it.

WR: Miles Austin. If you didn’t know he’s on the DALLAS COWBOYS because honestly, I didn’t fucking know who he was until this week (Editor’s Note: Blatant Lie). Austin had 250 yards (a Dallas Cowboys record) and 2 TDs.

WR: Andre Johnson for Doktara had 102 yards and 2 TDs for Doktakra.

WR: Roddy White: 210 yards and 2 TDs in Atlanta’s offensive onslaught of the 49ers.

RB: Michael Turner had 97 yards and 3 TDs. Guess who has him? Los Logicos. I was so conflicted this week but more mad that it went against me in the money league because, you know, it’s for money.

(No Tight Ends Cracked 11 Points and Won’t Be Talked About)

DEFENSE of the WEEK-

Minnesota- 1o points allowed. 2 sacks, 1 INT, 3 Fumble Recoveries and a touchdown.

A new segment where I will go into a defense that did phenomenal and punch its guts around to see what comes out the asshole. Oh look! (punches around) It’s a mullet! I must have ripped it off of their best player, Jared Allen who scored a TD for the Vikings in week 6. This year, Jared has 20 tackles (16 solo), 6.5 sacks (1+ a game), 3 Forced Fumbles and the first Touchdown of his career off of a Fumble Recovery.

I think if there was a MVP vote right now and Jared Allen wasn’t 1st in the voting… Then he’d better be 2nd or me and you can’t be friends.

Now for the weekly, Good/Bad Sit/Starts.

Good Starts:

Miles Austin- Punter and Brandon must have tied some sort of mage (or black magic clown) to a chair in their basement to have started this 43… I repeat… 43 points.

Brian Westbrook- Normally I don’t commend “no-brainers” as Good Starts but in this case, I could only imagine feeling the stress a Westbrook owner feels. Favarro Must Die lucked out with a TD and 35 total yards

Nate Burelson- Had 98 yards and 2 TDs for the Flubsters.

Bad Starts:

Jericho Cotchery. Yes. That’s right. I’m blaming people for not predicting injuries. It’s your fault, Shiancock! You should have known Cotchery would get you 0.40 points! Should have went with Mario Manningham anyway, better QB and offensive production v. a worse opponent.

John Carney/Green Bay- Ok, Shiancock. This one’s really on you. Not starting a defense or a kicker? Look’s like you either gave up, stopped caring or didn’t check. Or all 3. I don’t care. That’s your prerogative but we all decided before the season that we’re giving AIDs to the last place team. And by “we all”, I mean “Los Logicos” And by “before the season”, I mean “just right now”

Antonio Gates- BYE Week. My guess is Punter and Brandon didn’t feel like picking up a TE and dropping a player. Touche, Guys (bad quality). But the AIDs stuff affects you as well.

DeSean Jackson- Doktakra already admitted that this was the downfall of his team. I agree. But I can’t fault him. DeSean Jackson has been a “must start” all season.

Mike Sims-Walker- Looked like he didn’t play for Bucholtz due to being de-activated. Sucks for Clay because even if he switched Cribbs to WR and Cooley to the Flex, it wouldn’t have gotten him anymore points.

Calvin Johns0n- Ok, now I know why Megatron  is hurt. It’s the 1 player that Max and I shared from this league and my money league. And Max’s spite went on to Megatron’s right calf and now I have no 2nd round pick. Man, I need to learn voodoo.

Jay Cutler/LaDanian Tomlinson/Greg Olson- All 3 had BYES and James Brown is not making me happy with that. He obviously gave up on us with this one. He had the opportunity to start Kyle Orton on his best game as a pro. And he benched Clinton Portis’ 2 TDs. Hell even John Carlson had 30 yards for 3 points. What’s the point of having back up tight ends and quarterbacks if you are just going to eat the bye week anyway?

Bad Sits:

RB- Tashard Choice- I had a choice alright. I put in Marion Barber and he got me 5.30 points. The right choice would have gotten me 92 yards and 1 TD for 15.20 points.

RB- Ricky Williams- Bucholtz had an under-performer in at RB, but that person is Mojo and you can’t not start Mojo. The thing is, Ricky would have gotten Clay 138 total yards for 13.80 points.

RB- Cedric Benson- This will be on anyone’s board. Benson was sat in my other league as well. Fuck, he went against the Ravens. I wouldn’t have started him either. But he did pop off for 136 total yards and 1 TD, so maybe continue to start the Bengals workhorse. They are at 4-1 and Benson is putting up Prop-Bowl Numbers right now.

WR- Wes Welker- This would seem like a “must start” each week of the season, seeing he is Brady’s security blanket and led the league in receptions the last 2 years. 86 yards and 1 TD on Christmas Apes’ bench. Most likely playing the match up with Berrian v. St Louis.

Pick Up of the Week.

It’s obviously Miles Austin- WR- Dallas Cowboys. However in leagues like this one and the one I do for money, Austin was gone. In both leagues. So my pick up of the week is: Michael Crabtree- WR San Francisco 49ers. He just signed and this is the BYE week so the people who passed on him, most likely already did. So you can grab him and hope for an upside in two weeks. Or not. Sorry, I forgot you have a bench of the Gods.

But in both the leagues I have been talking about, I’ve seen Braylon Edwards and Eddie Royal hit the waiver wire. These are players that must be on teams. Especially Edwards. So grab them first.

And that’s the end of that. I hope you actually enjoy the ones that I put time and effort into or else I’ll get angry and You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. (waiter brings over medium well cheeseburger not medium rare) You ungrateful sons of cunts! (rips of shirt) SOMEONE’S GETTIN THEIR DICKHOLE SMASHED! (checks schedule) FUCK YOU GALLY! CUM GUZZLING ANAL WHORE!!! (puts kimura on Waiter) NOW SAY UNCLE, BITCH!!

Related posts:

1. Sports Blogger Fantasy Football Update: Playoff Edition
2. Sports Blogger Fantasy Football Year 1 Conclusion
3. Fantasy Football Update Week 7

Alright so back to the Sports Blogger League in which my luck isn’t doing much better. I’m against Shiancock who had a decent week despite a whole crap load of Bye Weeks due to a ATL/ARI heavy team. I’m up by a slim 15 points and he has Ryan Grant and Green Bay’s defense against my Minnesota Defense. My Fantasy Advice is much much better than my Fantasy Performance…

Top Performers:

QB: Ben Roethlisberger- Owned by Shiancock. Had 333 yards and 2 TDs in a much more lopsided SNF than the score dictated. Of course, going against Logic.

RB: Rashard Mendenhall- Owned by Ape. 160 yards and 2 TDs in his breakout performance of the season. Last week he was benched for laziness and poor preparations.

WR: Steve Smith(NYG)- 140 yards and 2 TDs. Owned by Favarro Must Die I guess it’s OK if Max Gallner is going to attack me on his sissy ass Eric Bruntlett blog, but he did happen to mention that I said “The New York Giants have the best WRs in the NFC East” which is untrue. I said “Don’t sleep on the NYG receivers” and if you didn’t you’d be greatly rewarded as of right now. Steve Smith is only being outplayed by Randy Moss. Mario Manningham led the league in yards after the first 2 games (and kind of fell off) and Hakeem Nicks looked very promising in his first game back.

Defense: San Francisco- Owned by Gally. Put up a shutout v. St Louis and had 5 sacks, 3 TDs and 3 Turnovers. 2 1/2 sacks and an interception for a touchdown went to Patrick Willis, all by himself.

Bad Sits:

RB: Knowshon Moreno and Kevin Smith- Owned by Doktara. He started the Jackson brothers (Fred and Stephen) who didn’t nearly provide as many points. And I’m not racist because I think two black guys with the same last name are brothers. I don’t care what you say.

WR: Joshua Cribbs- Owned by Bucholtz. Cribbs is having a break out year on an 0-4 team. I can’t really blame AB for starting Vincent Jackson, most people would, but Cribbs probably should have at least been in the Flex spot.

QB: David Garrard- Flubby started Tony Romo over the best Defense in the league through 3 (and now make it 4) games. Didn’t work out for him.

Bad Starts:

RB: Tashard Choice- Owned by Logic. I should’ve went with my other option at RB on Dallas, Marion Barber who Jerry Jones even told me was going to start and I didn’t listen to him.

RB: Darren McFadden- Owned by Max Gallner. McFadden had .20 points for Vick’s Dead Eagles. Way to not start Joseph Addai (Whom I’d said was going to be good again this year, maybe try listening to me instead of trying to make fun of my posts)

RB: LaDanian Tomlinson- Owned by James Brown. Went against a tough D with Pitt and has nagging injuries. Earned 1.4 points and JB would have rathered Clinton Portis.

Good Start:

RB: Ronnie Brown is owned by Punter and Brandon who had 115 yards and 2 TDs in a rout of the Bills. He started him over Ray Rice and Larry Johnson.

RB: Rashard Mendenhall is owned by Ape who ACTUALLY STARTED HIM. Wow. Kudos Ape.

WR/TE: Johnny Knox- Even though I just ripped AB for not starting Cribbs in the Flex spot, I’d say that Knox is having emerging as one of Chicago’s big play threats as well and with both of these guys getting points for return yards in our backasswards league, they both should be started.

Defense: San Fancisco is owned by Gally who started them over 2 other NYJ (v. NO) and Philly (Bye) so it was actually a no-brainer Gally’s part but he does get credit for going through with it and was rewarded with 39 points (beat out Mendenhall).

Pick Up’s of the Week:

Glen Coffee is most likely taken in every league by now (or should be) but if he is available, grab him because he is going to get quite a few touches in his next game. He will be facing a tougher defense with Atlanta but then it’s Bye week and then Frank Gore will probably be back, so use him while you can.

However, Rashard Mendenhall is the PUotW because next week he faces Detroit. You should just start salivating now, if he can pull off 160 against San Diego, he can get like 320 against Detroit. Then it’s Bye week for him as well so fuck me right?

Ok that sums up my Fantasy Breakdown of Week 4. So to recap: the New York Giants are on a better pace than I predicted when I said they’d be 12-4 this year. Steve Smith, Mario Manningham and Hakeem Nicks have been solid WRs, Willis McGahee has 254 yards total and 7 touchdowns. And Addai is having a comeback year. Man, my fantasy advice was really shitty, huh?

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