Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Wednesday September 14th 2011

‘Entertainment’ Archive

Old King Clancy’s Fashionably Late Top 10 TV Shows of 2010

Yeah, so it’s February and most anybody who’s anybody posted their Top 10 TV Shows of 2010 near the end of 2010. When it felt like a flood and you couldn’t remember whose was whose. Well, consider mine “fashionably late.” Because if there’s one thing that Old King Clancy is, it’s fashionable. I’m also now the second member of this collective to post his picks. You can find Nonpopulist’s Top 15 here at his own site, and yeah, there’s a lot of crossover with mine. Hey, at least I beat Gally, who’s been too busy emo twittering to post his. And well, you can just assume that Logic’s are “The Ultimate Fighter” and Dane Cook specials.

As a standard disclaimer, like anyone that’s not a paid TV critic, I can only rank what I’ve actually seen. I haven’t seen any of the AMC shows that top everyone’s lists – Mad Men and Breaking Bad. Maybe by next year I’ll have Netflixed that shit so I actually can see it. I don’t have HBO so I’ve never seen Boardwalk Empire. Never seen Lost, which is a long story. Don’t watch Sons of Anarchy. Just heard of Archer a couple weeks ago and it’s not on Netflix streaming anymore, but last week’s was awesome. And a few of my favorite shows (30 Rock and HIMYM) had very uneven years so they didn’t make it. Point being, can’t judge your favorite show if I’ve never seen it, so get off my dick. Unless you’re Kristen Bell. Anyway, let’s get down to business. Tell your disappointment to suck it; we’re having a TV party tonight!

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It’s a Pittsburgh Thing, You Wouldn’t Understand

Apparently furious with Ben Roethlisberger for snagging all the ugly chicks in Pennsylvania, Steelers head coach and Omar Epps look alike, Mike Tomlin, apparently decided to go out and one up his quarterback by getting wasted with a bunch of unattractive white girls himself. According to a probably unreliable source:

Long story short, a group of girls … were bragging how they partied with Pittsburgh Steelers Head Coach, Mike Tomlin. They said he was nuts and got wasted. Here are the pictures to prove it.

Ha ha ha, of course he got wasted. Imagine how very little he had to work on these ladies? This looks like a night where you’d be filing your belly up with the ever-special rail drinks. And can we ask, what’s with the beret? And the Ecko wear? It’s almost enough to make me pleased that the Vikings kept Childress instead of Tomlin. Childress never wore something like that …

/cries.

//plans Childress assassination

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Watch an Emo Douche Get Lit Up by a Football Player (Grrrr… Testosterone)

Interest piqued? It should be after seeing that screen grab. This video and above photo comes courtesy of the venerable SportsbyBrooks (side note: I never knew SportsbyBrooks was a real deal sports blogger until recently, but he definitely is. I only remember seeing pictures of busty women in ads flash on Fark.com with the SportsbyBrooks logo. Not that I take exception with the posting of tits. But I digress.) According to Brooks this video is from a high school project done last year at South Fort Myers High School by a student who calls himself Evan Rossington in the video. After watching the video I’m at a lost as to what subject this “project” could possibly be for unless it was a future douches of America club thing. Regardless the video is worth the time to see this kid get lit up at about the 1:32 mark by a potential future college recruit from the same high school, Sammy Watkins. As you can imagine the football player lays a pretty good hit on the emo kid who gets knocked out of one of his shoes. Watkins form on the hit was lacking, but you don’t really need technique to light up a pantywaist like this kid. Enjoy.

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Episode 1: The Pilot

Sidney Crosby: (groans) Whaa-

(walks to nearby beach)

Lane Kiffin: Have you seen my husband? I lost him in the-

Voice: Kiffy!

Pete Carroll: Where you been, doll? I’ve been running around this here place looking for potential players and a steady dose of Red Bull. I ain’t found shelter yet but YE-AHHHH I made me some waterskis and an parachute out of some stuff from the forest so I’m goin’ wakeboarding! Paddle that canoe around for me, wouldya? What about you, big stuff- wanna propel that boat so I can get my hourly dose of XTREME in?

Brian Cushing: Just one question, Coach…Where are we?

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STFU, Tim.


BAAAAHAHAHAHA


This was too good not to make a post about. According to sources that know Tim Tebow, he often requests prayer at awkward times. I did not know that at all. That is like the douchiest thing someone can do. Especially in today’s society when the world isn’t the same religion all linked under a God-king who takes his advice from an lethargic armadillo.

Anyway, check this out:

We’re told that Tebow already has gotten a taste of the resistance he might face at the next level.

At the Scouting Combine, the Wonderlic exam is administered to players in groups.  The 12-minute test is preceded by some brief instructions and comments from the person administering the test.

Per a league source, after the person administering the test to Tebow’s group had finished, Tebow made a request that the players bow their heads in prayer before taking the 50-question exam.

Said one of the other players in response:  “Shut the f–k up.”  Others players in the room then laughed.

WOW. If that is real, that is comedy gold. That’s like old school, still in high school, the nerd is up in front of the class and he looks at the teacher for approval and then he drops his oral report index cards and he bends down to pick them up and you just make the biggest fart noise of all time. Oh God, that was awesome. Remember that?

/chugs Pabst Blue Ribbon in letterman jacket

I would have literally paid my entire bank account to have been there. I would’ve gone into serious meth-addiction-debt to have been the one to say it. That is almost too good. I wish they named the player, so I could buy/create a t-shirt dedicated to this moment in sports history. You know he isn’t an atheist either. He’s probably someone like Rex Grossman or Tyler Palko that says totally inappropriate things. ALL. THE. TIME. Actually, you want my guess? It was my drunken uncle at a Christmas party.

Thanks to that genius Flubby’s twitter.

Thanks to that genius Flubby’s fucking twitter.*

Bidenized!

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Best Video On Internet, Or Bestest Video On Internet?


Not merely content with the forms of media that they already work with, Josh Zerkle and Brandon have become movie makers. Granted, this auspicious debut may not win them an Oscar, but the writing is on the wall. Josh Zerkle and Brandon will win an Oscar. Possibly as soon as next year. God speed guys. God speed.
via KSK

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Commence unconsciousness in 3…2…1…

There’s nothing quite sexier than someone losing consciousness. And no Logic I’m not referring to the lack of lucidness that comes from drinking GHB infused beverages at a frat party. No sir, I am talking about the loss of bowel control that can only come from the sport of MMA. Because if there’s one thing the sadists writers here at the Gally Blog enjoy it’s a good knockout. Well maybe that and @berstreet‘s tits.

I would post fight related info, but

1) I imagine most people coming to this site only care about the violence, which,

a) I would assume is on par with putting credits in a snuff film

2) go fuck yourself

a) hard.

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They Call Me…The Chokey Chicken

A Russian hockey team with an amount of firepower that would make even SPECTRE’s most elite evil scientists blush goes out with a whimper against a Canadian team that was considered dead in the water just two days prior. Throw in some early playoff exits, and the face of the team, Alex Ovechkin, is starting to get a reputation for choking (I, for one, am stunned that those steel teeth can chew through a cable, but not pare food down to an acceptable size) in big moments. Sure, there were other stars on that Russian team- Evgeni Malkin, for one- but at the end of the day, it was AO’s team. So, without further ado, I’ve assembled a list of things to keep away from Ovechkin. Just in case.


McDonald’s Happy Meal Toys (unless approved for children under 3)

Legos (Mega Blocks may be ok)

Mr. Potato Head

Cucumbers

Carrots

Celery

Loaves of Bread

Croutons

Popsicles

Hot Dogs

Pop Bottles

Blow-Pops

Dum-Dums

Saf-T-Pops

Bottle Caps

Alexander Semin (/rimshot)

Pierre McGuire (Er, wait, that’d be the other way around)

Logic’s groin area (Just kidding. No risk there. BA-ZING BLOG BURN)

A Nuva Ring

A Stanley Cup ring

The Stanley Cup

Guys named Stanley

Guys named Cup

2 Girls 1 Cup (more…)

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Even For Olympians, Job Prospects Slim

Times are tough all over.  Even in Vancouver, home of the 2010 Winter Games, athletes are finding it tough to secure employment for after their 16 days of glory are over.  Sure, some people have gigs lined up.  The Japanese and Dutch Women’s curling teams will be hired to play with rocks.  Luge and skeleton participants will go back to their boring lives as minesweepers for the military, bomb technicians, and canaries for coal mines.  And Phil Kessel will go back to counting down the days before he can go golfing again without the pressure of playoff hockey.

Perhaps the most distressed groups of Olympians are the biathletes.  There may be a couple wars right now, but their skills just don’t apply.  There’s no snow in Iraq, and there’s no where in Afghanistan that has snow that comes even close to being a cross-country style skiing area.  So sadly, these world-class athletes are having to turn to shady private multinational organizations to find a gig.  According to most biathletes, the most prominent in recruiting has been SPECTRE (SPecial Executive for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion) who has been interviewing all medalists for a particular job.  Sadly, this job is a short-term job that includes no benefits, no perks, and very little job security.  In fact, according to Men’s 15k gold medalist Evgeny Ustyugov of Russia, it would be such a short-term job that it might not even cover travel expenses!  ”They want me to kill Roger Moore” said Ustyugov.  ”They actually think he’s still James Bond.  It’s not even funny, because he’s got to be close to 80.  I could knock on his door, hit him with a ski, and make it home for vodka and crumpets.  I thought they were joking, but then they killed (silver medalist Christoph) Sumann for laughing at them.”  Then he started to sob and stated “I might have to take it because it’s all there is for me, other than shooting protesting Redskins and Manchester United fans for ownership.”

A truly sad outlook for a proud athlete.

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Rehab is for Quitters: A Memorandum



The Face of a Liar.


Tiger woods latest scandal left everyone  in shock and awe. Everyone that is except for me. No one is perfect and when celebrities slip up, I am here to exploit it. Hopefully for money. Tiger, you shouldn’t have cheated. You had everything you ever needed: money, fame, and according to the Irish, a wife who’s face was so beautiful that it was worthy of being photoshopped in a nude photo. Which was great, at that point you don’t even need to see her naked. You can just imagine the body it was photoshopped onto. They did this with Megan Fox as well, did I mention she was in a Superwoman(NSFW) outfit? I mean, we’re all pink on the inside, right? Aherm. Anyway, moving along…

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