Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Tuesday August 23rd 2011

‘Fail’ Archive

Nike, Get Your Lawyers On the Phone!

Yeah, it’s Groundhog Day and I feel like I’m reliving something. Hmm, this Gillette commercial sure does sound familiar.

Where on earth do I remember it from? (more…)

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game

… Dan Snyder, I want to kill you. Kristen Bell, I want to …

It’s over. Now I have to go back to actually writing instead of paint-by-numbers. I believe there was a football game in there somewhere. One that involved 4 Skins turnovers and a missed 30-yard field goal. But now we’re in the offseason and my digestive system can rest easy.

Did you know that the Redskins team headquarters and facilities are in Ashburn, Virginia. I officially motion that they change the cozy hamlet’s name to Cockburn, Virginia. Speaking of Cockburn, since none of you have ever experienced what it’s like to have to drink Cockburn after your team loses (yet — man up, suckers!), there’s no way of escaping. You receive an official message from CBHQ that it’s time to drink it. In circles of the know, it’s called a CockBurn Notice. Also, in Cockburn-eligible games that one is unable to watch, you may communicate with fellow members of the Order of the Burn by way of CB Radio. Just thought you might want to know. Anyway, let’s head down to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump. (more…)

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A Dramatic Interpretation of the NFL, the Eagles, and the City of Philadelphia

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I’m Burnin’ For You: A Merry Cockburn Christmas Special

First of all, here’s Old King Clancy watching the Skins-Cowboys game:

Yeah, I’ve had that in my back pocket for losing to the Cowboys all season. Turns out, maybe the Eagles game was the right place for it. However, since if there’s one thing I’ve learned from 2 weeks on Twitter, it’s that people on the Internet are supposed to repeatedly pat themselves on the back, I’d like to mention how perfectly the lyrics from last week’s song describe being a Skins fan.

So, the Sex Cannon. Since the DC media are generally a bunch of flip-flopping lapdogs, he’s currently the toast of the town. Despite losing. Yes, he threw 4 TD passes and a lot less ground balls than McNabb. However, he also threw a horrific interception on the Skins’ 20 and fumbled on the Skins’ 20. So yeah, he was better than McNabb for this game. But to use my dad’s genius description of Neil Lomax, he’s “just good enough to lose with.” And the point is that they lost. To the Cowboys. Now, in the Cannon’s defense, the real reason they lost is because the defense and special teams kept fucking that chicken. Yes, the Sex Cannon fucked over the defense with a couple of his turnovers, but none of their 460 yards allowed is the Cannon’s fault. And the kick and punt coverage did their jobs as well as Jennifer Lopez trying to sing or act (or pretend to be a human being). So the Sex Cannon sucked the least out of the 3 elements. Good for him. They still lost. To the Cowboys.

I’d like to surrender the floor to Hogs Haven‘s (my favorite Skins’ blog) Ken Meringolo, who said best of this: “Chalk up another “We should have won, could have won, but really had no business being close to winning” day. I mean, there we were yet again…the ways this team takes losses are simply amazing. What lessons are we learning this year? Really…what are we gaining from the experience of almost winning this many times? I worry that the lesson being driven into this team is more how to lose than how to win. I suppose the hope is that another offseason of roster upheaval will further erode the foundation of our institutional culture of losing. We can only hope that young, promising players like Brian Orakpo and Trent Williams will escape the psychological anvil that has destroyed guys who have played here in the past. After all, there is a limit to how much bullshit a professional can withstand before he either decides to leave or decides to give up and go through the motions.” Amen. And there’s always a glass of Cockburn available for you and your partner, Kevin Ewoldt.

Speaking of, and sorry for taking up space on the main page, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump: (more…)

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I’m Burnin’ For You: BLOODSUGARSEXCANNON!!!!!!!

(via KSK)

Hey, I said next week’s upcoming holiday blowout massacre Cockburn-a-palooza was going to be epic. And I’m a man of my fucking word. Gentlemen, put that Cockburn on ice because it’s going to be legen … wait for it … dairy. (And yes, it says “dairy” on purpose. Start your thought engines). And ladies, your “I’m coy, I’m hot and cold, I’m poker-facing” routine isn’t nearly as cute as you think it is. In fact, it’s not at all. You will bow before the majesty of the Sex Cannon! We’re playing for draft position, baby! COCKBURN AHOY!!!!!!!!!!

Goddamn, the Skins suck.

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Bucs Game

Just wait. I’m saving the big fucking guns for next week’s holiday blowout massacre extravaganza. Seriously, unless the Skins fuck it up by winning, it’s going to be epic. Anyway, what can one really say about that shit-show? Kinda the most perfect way ever for this team to lose. And who misses a 30 and 24 yard FG? I mean, those should be mandatorially celebrated with a dismissive wank gesture. Which brings me to my real point. Tampa couldn’t stop Ryan Torain in the first half, so the only reason the Skins are kicking FGs is because Mike and Kyle Shanahan inexplicably decide to call pass plays. Blame special teams all you want, but it takes a lot of ineptitude on all sides (don’t forget the choking-ass defense) to lose a football game. Now, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.

(more…)

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game

The video is right here. Even though one can’t embed video from Captain Zuckerberg’s Overly Precious Pyramid Scheme (thanks, dickbag; I don’t actually use your service), it’s worth your time.

Oh wait! That’s what I did Saturday afternoon. (Once again, support your local no-kill shelter). Sunday afternoon looked a little more like this:

(more…)

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JaMarcus Russel is Stupid/Ironic

If you haven’t heard yet, JaMarcus Russell was arrested in his Alabama house yesterday. It’s been all over the internet/ESPN and probably even your local newspapers. You should get out more, I’m starting to worry about you, man.

Back to the story, Russell was arrested on possesion of codeine syrup or in the drug world “lean”, “purple drank” or “sizzurp”. I’m not saying I know what it’s about but I’ve heard from friends that they call it that because it makes you feel like your “leaning”. Often people, who aren’t me, would use this syrup and mix it with Sprite then drop flavored candy like Jolly Ranchers in the bottom. I’ve heard it can be delicious and it’s almost like a mixed drink. I wouldn’t know though, when I broke my jaw (and had it wired shut), my cruel doctor prescribed Vicodin the size of horse tranquilizers that I had to fit behind my molars. Until my wisdom teeth started growing in literally days after. Sometimes life is just not fair, but I digress.

Russell had been cut by the Oakland Raiders and was in the process of looking for a job. It’s a sad story because he should have never even been a #1 pick and we all knew the Raiders were the only franchise dumb enough to take him. If he doesn’t play football ever again he will probably go down as the biggest bust of all time. Start crossing your fingers, Ryan Leaf.

Christmas Ape of KSK had a great joke on twitter saying that Russell was arrested with a drug called “lean” and he was looking for a drug called “accurate”.

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Lebron James is Leaving Cleveland For Sure After This- 100%

Now that Lebron has choked purposely thrown lost his last game of the season for the Cleveland Cavaliers the offseason attention has already begun to focus on where Lebron James will play next season. The speculation has been centering on the New York Knicks for a while but has recently begun to include the New Jersey/Bronx/Russian Nets and the Chicago Bulls. There is also a strong contingent in the media who feel Lebron will stay in Cleveland out of loyalty to Ohio. That’s quite a bit of wishful thinking, Ohio. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently? I’m still predicting the New York Knicks or the Nets will be bron-bron’s next destination, especially after this video reeking of desperation. (more…)

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Someone’s looking for a new pair of glasses.

Note to self: If you’re a white kid who wears glasses and sweats easily in your dainty 75 pound frame, sports may not be the thing for you. What may be in your future though is a ride in an ambulance, because I didn’t hear the kid cry, peep up, or whisper his last breathes or anything, which I can only assume then means that he’s dead.

Truth be told, this video scares the shit out of me. I almost had to do a double take on this little bastard because that looked suspiciously like me circa 1994. You fucking loser! I was hoping against hope that this kid would pull out an awesome dunk at the end, but no … I know how this story plays out. Nerdy kids get their faces smashed in the most embarrassing of ways.

And the other kids wondered why I’d sit inside all day playing Final Fantasy VII and smoking my brain dead. IT WAS SO TRIPPY!!

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