The Gally Blog » Fail

Nike, Get Your Lawyers On the Phone!

Old King Clancy — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 15:57:27 +0000

Yeah, it’s Groundhog Day and I feel like I’m reliving something. Hmm, this Gillette commercial sure does sound familiar.

Where on earth do I remember it from?

I think I remember it from when it was a Nike commercial and when it was awesome.

Saul Williams for the motherfucking win! Work harder, Don Draper, because Nike’s better is better than your ready, you Vanilla Ice, Black Eyed Peas, plagiaristic motherfucker!

: Jackasses.

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game

Old King Clancy — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 16:23:25 +0000

… Dan Snyder, I want to kill you. Kristen Bell, I want to …

It’s over. Now I have to go back to actually writing instead of paint-by-numbers. I believe there was a football game in there somewhere. One that involved 4 Skins turnovers and a missed 30-yard field goal. But now we’re in the offseason and my digestive system can rest easy.

Did you know that the Redskins team headquarters and facilities are in Ashburn, Virginia. I officially motion that they change the cozy hamlet’s name to Cockburn, Virginia. Speaking of Cockburn, since none of you have ever experienced what it’s like to have to drink Cockburn after your team loses (yet — man up, suckers!), there’s no way of escaping. You receive an official message from CBHQ that it’s time to drink it. In circles of the know, it’s called a CockBurn Notice. Also, in Cockburn-eligible games that one is unable to watch, you may communicate with fellow members of the Order of the Burn by way of CB Radio. Just thought you might want to know. Anyway, let’s head down to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.

TEN glasses of Cockburn! A HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It appears I may have taken self-loathing mixology to a whole new level. I mixed Cockburn with the infamous potion known as Jeppson’s Malort. Seriously, GOOGLE THAT SHIT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW! Or go see where I discussed it at The Phoenix Pub. Anyway, Malort tastes like bug spray, grass, and dirt. Combine that with Cockburn, which tastes like Manischewitz, and well, slamming a entire mug of coffee as a chaser still couldn’t kill the demons. That’s dedication to your craft. Take your aggro or emo shit and stick it up your ass! Now, for the final time this season, let’s all join in a rousing chorus of our Official Cockburn Drinking Song!

I thank you profusely for your support and willingness to take this spiritual journey with me this season. Always remember this. There are things known and things unknown. And in between, there is the Cockburn.

A Dramatic Interpretation of the NFL, the Eagles, and the City of Philadelphia

Old King Clancy — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 20:54:16 +0000

I’m Burnin’ For You: A Merry Cockburn Christmas Special

Old King Clancy — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 15:44:41 +0000

First of all, here’s Old King Clancy watching the Skins-Cowboys game:

Yeah, I’ve had that in my back pocket for losing to the Cowboys all season. Turns out, maybe the Eagles game was the right place for it. However, since if there’s one thing I’ve learned from 2 weeks on Twitter, it’s that people on the Internet are supposed to repeatedly pat themselves on the back, I’d like to mention how perfectly the lyrics from last week’s song describe being a Skins fan.

So, the Sex Cannon. Since the DC media are generally a bunch of flip-flopping lapdogs, he’s currently the toast of the town. Despite losing. Yes, he threw 4 TD passes and a lot less ground balls than McNabb. However, he also threw a horrific interception on the Skins’ 20 and fumbled on the Skins’ 20. So yeah, he was better than McNabb for this game. But to use my dad’s genius description of Neil Lomax, he’s “just good enough to lose with.” And the point is that they lost. To the Cowboys. Now, in the Cannon’s defense, the real reason they lost is because the defense and special teams kept fucking that chicken. Yes, the Sex Cannon fucked over the defense with a couple of his turnovers, but none of their 460 yards allowed is the Cannon’s fault. And the kick and punt coverage did their jobs as well as Jennifer Lopez trying to sing or act (or pretend to be a human being). So the Sex Cannon sucked the least out of the 3 elements. Good for him. They still lost. To the Cowboys.

I’d like to surrender the floor to Hogs Haven‘s (my favorite Skins’ blog) Ken Meringolo, who said best of this: “Chalk up another “We should have won, could have won, but really had no business being close to winning” day. I mean, there we were yet again…the ways this team takes losses are simply amazing. What lessons are we learning this year? Really…what are we gaining from the experience of almost winning this many times? I worry that the lesson being driven into this team is more how to lose than how to win. I suppose the hope is that another offseason of roster upheaval will further erode the foundation of our institutional culture of losing. We can only hope that young, promising players like Brian Orakpo and Trent Williams will escape the psychological anvil that has destroyed guys who have played here in the past. After all, there is a limit to how much bullshit a professional can withstand before he either decides to leave or decides to give up and go through the motions.” Amen. And there’s always a glass of Cockburn available for you and your partner, Kevin Ewoldt.

Speaking of, and sorry for taking up space on the main page, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump:

NINE glasses of Cockburn! A HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I present … CockburnNog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In the weeks leading up, I imagined this to be the most vile concoction I had ever dreamed up. It actually wasn’t. It tasted pretty much like any alcoholic eggnog. And despite my enjoyment of alcohol, I actually like my eggnog non-alcoholic because I like the taste of eggnog. Same with pina coladas. So if you’re looking for a festive holiday treat, and by that I mean a way to mask some of the taste of your Cockburn, this might be for you.

Speaking of Cockburn and the holidays, we are creeping up on the one-year anniversary of the most important comedic day of my life: the day I was introduced to Cockburn. As I mentioned on another site, while hosting Christmas Eve dinner, my grandma unironically served us Cockburn with dessert, never thinking for once that it was funny until my uncle and I burst into hysterical laughter for about 15 minutes (or so she claims). The point being that yes, Old Grandma Clancy loves the Cockburn. And I have a feeling I’ll have to pay her a visit on Sunday to get my dose after the Skins-Jaguars game. Now, I believe it’s time for our Official Cockburn Drinking Song:

And as a holiday bonus, growing up I always said it wasn’t Christmas until I heard this song. I still haven’t heard it, so dammit, I’m gonna play it! I’m not sure this counts because it’s inorganic, but fuck it!

MERRY COCKBURN CHRISTMAS, REINDEER-FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m Burnin’ For You: BLOODSUGARSEXCANNON!!!!!!!

Old King Clancy — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 21:00:29 +0000

(via KSK)

Hey, I said next week’s upcoming holiday blowout massacre Cockburn-a-palooza was going to be epic. And I’m a man of my fucking word. Gentlemen, put that Cockburn on ice because it’s going to be legen … wait for it … dairy. (And yes, it says “dairy” on purpose. Start your thought engines). And ladies, your “I’m coy, I’m hot and cold, I’m poker-facing” routine isn’t nearly as cute as you think it is. In fact, it’s not at all. You will bow before the majesty of the Sex Cannon! We’re playing for draft position, baby! COCKBURN AHOY!!!!!!!!!!

Goddamn, the Skins suck.

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Bucs Game

Old King Clancy — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 16:35:16 +0000

Just wait. I’m saving the big fucking guns for next week’s holiday blowout massacre extravaganza. Seriously, unless the Skins fuck it up by winning, it’s going to be epic. Anyway, what can one really say about that shit-show? Kinda the most perfect way ever for this team to lose. And who misses a 30 and 24 yard FG? I mean, those should be mandatorially celebrated with a dismissive wank gesture. Which brings me to my real point. Tampa couldn’t stop Ryan Torain in the first half, so the only reason the Skins are kicking FGs is because Mike and Kyle Shanahan inexplicably decide to call pass plays. Blame special teams all you want, but it takes a lot of ineptitude on all sides (don’t forget the choking-ass defense) to lose a football game. Now, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.

Hey! You’re not our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent! Go drizzle some Cockbizzle! Like I was saying, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent!

EIGHT glasses of Cockburn! A HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What would be more perfect for a snowy-ass day than a cup of Hot Cocoa-Burn? The answer: Almost anything! Thanks to my uncle for the suggestion. Actually, it didn’t start off that bad … until you realize that when pitted against water-based Swiss Miss, the Cockburn sinks to the bottom! (Yes, I damn near failed Physics in HS). So the actual drinking process goes a bit like this: “Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, AUUUUGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE COCKBURN!!!!!!!” But trust me, this is nothing compared to what I’ll be serving up this Sunday for the holidays. After the Skins lose to Dallas. My least favorite team. Anyway, time for our Official Cockburn Drinking Song!

I will say I know I have entered a true brotherhood here when I found out that both Gally and Nonpopulist were considering buying Cockburn. Admittedly, they don’t hate port (and all sweet wines) the way I do, so they’re doing it for pleasure. But the solidarity is much appreciated.

Also, I’m really really really sheepishly admitting this, but in an attempt to spread the gospel of Cockburn, catch up with some old pals from a site that just sold my confidential contact info for coke money and The Phoenix Pub, and to stalk engage with Kristen Bell and Alison Brie, I sadly started a Twitter account. For now. Shit’s already pissing me off and it’s been like a week. Anyway, it’s @Old_King_Clancy. I still maintain that “twitter” is the most effeminate word in the English language, so I should go out and overcompensate by baking a cheesecake. I mean fixing a car.

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game

Old King Clancy — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 16:37:58 +0000

The video is right here. Even though one can’t embed video from Captain Zuckerberg’s Overly Precious Pyramid Scheme (thanks, dickbag; I don’t actually use your service), it’s worth your time.

Oh wait! That’s what I did Saturday afternoon. (Once again, support your local no-kill shelter). Sunday afternoon looked a little more like this:

Major Boobage
Tags: SOUTH
PARK more…

Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw each run for 100 yards every time the Skins play the Giants and every year I say that one of the major reasons the Skins suck is because they don’t commit to the offensive line like the Giants do and if they had the Giants’ line, people wouldn’t bitch about the running backs. However, the Giants were missing 2 or 3 starting linemen and the same thing happened, which means A) the Giants are so much further committed to their line that their backups kick ass, B) the Skins’ D-Line, linebackers, and safeties are all just that bad, or C) both. I vote C. Seriously, first contact was after 10 yards. Any of us could have gone for 100 last Sunday. Much like any of us can cook better than Stephen Asperinio, which makes me seriously wonder how bad Top Chef’s Season 1 contestants were if he shows up as the S1 representative in any episode with past competitors. Anyway, the game was a hilarious bitch-slapping and I would have been better served by working the back half of the Adopt-a-Thon. Anyway, on to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent!

SEVEN glasses of Cockburn! A HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE COCKBURN SO MUCH!!!!!!!! This is what’s known in the business as “The Slow Burn.” Rimshot me, bitch! Sadly, I don’t own a snifter. That would have really sold it. By the way, yes, that is a menorah. And no, despite my Sanderian appearance, I’m not actually Jewish. However, my grandparents and much of my more distant extended family are, as are some of my best friends, and it’s a cool tradition, so I’m lighting the menorah in solidarity. I even known the prayers in Hebrew thanks to my mom, who converted from Judaism. And believe it or not, Cockburn tastes A LOT like Manischewicz. Put on your yarmulke; it’s time for Cockburn, whores! I suppose it’s time for our Official Cockburn Drinking song. And finally some easy-embedding video:

This Sunday the Skins get a heavily-injured Tampa team that’s still a hell of a lot better than they are. Then again, who isn’t? Skins-Carolina would be a ESPN Instant Cockburn Classic. And considering that I really can’t top drinking Cockburn out of my pants, I may have to come up with some intensely creative mixers for Cockburn. My stomach cringes. Much like it does watching Stephen Asperinio. And that, my friends, is called a callback.

: "When McNabb drops back, I close my eyes."

: "I just watched Kareem Moore try to tackle."

: "I can light up the Skins' D. Give me the damn ball!"

: "NO! NOT COCKBURN AGAIN!!!!! Also, FUCK YOU, SNYDER!!!!!"

JaMarcus Russel is Stupid/Ironic

Logic — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 16:06:32 +0000

If you haven’t heard yet, JaMarcus Russell was arrested in his Alabama house yesterday. It’s been all over the internet/ESPN and probably even your local newspapers. You should get out more, I’m starting to worry about you, man.

Back to the story, Russell was arrested on possesion of codeine syrup or in the drug world “lean”, “purple drank” or “sizzurp”. I’m not saying I know what it’s about but I’ve heard from friends that they call it that because it makes you feel like your “leaning”. Often people, who aren’t me, would use this syrup and mix it with Sprite then drop flavored candy like Jolly Ranchers in the bottom. I’ve heard it can be delicious and it’s almost like a mixed drink. I wouldn’t know though, when I broke my jaw (and had it wired shut), my cruel doctor prescribed Vicodin the size of horse tranquilizers that I had to fit behind my molars. Until my wisdom teeth started growing in literally days after. Sometimes life is just not fair, but I digress.

Russell had been cut by the Oakland Raiders and was in the process of looking for a job. It’s a sad story because he should have never even been a #1 pick and we all knew the Raiders were the only franchise dumb enough to take him. If he doesn’t play football ever again he will probably go down as the biggest bust of all time. Start crossing your fingers, Ryan Leaf.

Christmas Ape of KSK had a great joke on twitter saying that Russell was arrested with a drug called “lean” and he was looking for a drug called “accurate”.

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Lebron James is Leaving Cleveland For Sure After This- 100%

Nonpopulist — Mon, 17 May 2010 20:42:09 +0000

Now that Lebron has choked purposely thrown lost his last game of the season for the Cleveland Cavaliers the offseason attention has already begun to focus on where Lebron James will play next season. The speculation has been centering on the New York Knicks for a while but has recently begun to include the New Jersey/Bronx/Russian Nets and the Chicago Bulls. There is also a strong contingent in the media who feel Lebron will stay in Cleveland out of loyalty to Ohio. That’s quite a bit of wishful thinking, Ohio. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently? I’m still predicting the New York Knicks or the Nets will be bron-bron’s next destination, especially after this video reeking of desperation.

We Are LeBron Video – Watch more Funny Videos

Now for snarky comments about that video. If this represents Cleveland’s finest we need to send humanitarian aid their way. Call the U.N. and get some air drops of food, water, and plastic surgeons going.
The singing in this video is horrendous. I see the effort, but you really have to able to carry a tune. What is Lebron going to think when he hears “intimidating TV lawyer” Tim Misny way off key? He’s not going to be intimidated. That’s for sure.
So how long has WJW weatherman Dick Goddard been dead? It’s good to see the Tales from the Crypt puppet getting some work.
So we don’t know who the hot Asian chick is? You finally feature some tail, and we can’t even know her name? Lebron knows there are more hot women in New York anyway. This video is not going to help. Cleveland, you should have hired some strippers for this video. It’s not like Lebron knows what the city comptroller looks like anyway.
O hey Lebron, look, it’s Erika Lauren, former cast member on The Real World and Cleveland’s biggest celebrity after you. Too bad she sings like a beached whale.
LBJ, look at what you are doing to attorney and CNN personality Avery Friedman. Do you see how sweaty you’re making him? Do you think anyone in New York is going to get hot flashes for you like your guy Avery? I think not.
They obviously saved the closers for the end of the video. Norton furniture pitchmen and whispering singer Marc Brown really sold you with that point toward the camera, didn’t he, Lebron?
It’s a good thing they put up Bill Louis’s name on the screen because otherwise I would have been working under the assumption they got David Crosby for the video. In which case, why didn’t they just have him sing the whole thing? See the resemblance?

Was Bone Thugs -n- Harmony not available for this? Cleveland is the city where they come from so run run… It’s sad, Cleveland, because I can see how much you want to keep him, but after this video I think you pushed him further away. Sometimes you have to hold on loosely, but don’t let go. Every thing I know I learned from classic rock.

Someone’s looking for a new pair of glasses.

PJDiaries — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 13:10:31 +0000

Note to self: If you’re a white kid who wears glasses and sweats easily in your dainty 75 pound frame, sports may not be the thing for you. What may be in your future though is a ride in an ambulance, because I didn’t hear the kid cry, peep up, or whisper his last breathes or anything, which I can only assume then means that he’s dead.

Truth be told, this video scares the shit out of me. I almost had to do a double take on this little bastard because that looked suspiciously like me circa 1994. You fucking loser! I was hoping against hope that this kid would pull out an awesome dunk at the end, but no … I know how this story plays out. Nerdy kids get their faces smashed in the most embarrassing of ways.

And the other kids wondered why I’d sit inside all day playing Final Fantasy VII and smoking my brain dead. IT WAS SO TRIPPY!!

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