Follow-Up Interview with Dwayne Bowe

Many people in the sports media have been trying to get an interview with Dwayne Bowe after word leaked of his recent comments about the practice of “importing” road ‘tang while playing away games during the NFL season. The Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver made the comments to ESPN The Magazine (do I really have to put their magazine in italics?) and sent the professional sports world abuzz with claims that veteran teammates would troll social networking sites to scout …ahem… talent and arrange for them to travel to cities in which the team would be playing.

From a website called Necole Bitchie, I kid you not.

A hungry young reporter managed to catch up with the young Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver just days after his comments caused a stir and ensured ESPN would sell even fewer magazines than usual since the juiciest parts have already been leaked. You’re teasing your magazine wrong, ESPiN! He caught up with Bowe after Chiefs practice by hanging onto his vehicle as he was driving away. What can he say? He was hungry for the story. Here is his report. (more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Dwayne Bowe, it's satire people, Kansas City Chiefs, NFL, overshare, Satire
Category Fake News, Satire |

Lebron James is Leaving Cleveland For Sure After This- 100%

Now that Lebron has choked purposely thrown lost his last game of the season for the Cleveland Cavaliers the offseason attention has already begun to focus on where Lebron James will play next season. The speculation has been centering on the New York Knicks for a while but has recently begun to include the New Jersey/Bronx/Russian Nets and the Chicago Bulls. There is also a strong contingent in the media who feel Lebron will stay in Cleveland out of loyalty to Ohio. That’s quite a bit of wishful thinking, Ohio. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently? I’m still predicting the New York Knicks or the Nets will be bron-bron’s next destination, especially after this video reeking of desperation. (more…)

Popularity: 2% [?]

Tags: Cleveland Cavaliers, LeBron James, NBA, New York Knicks, sad attempts by a desperate city
Category Fail, Fake News |

Innocence Lost: Lawrence Taylor Allegedly Raped by 16 Year-Old Girl

These happy days seem far away today

This is a sad day, NFL fans. One of the all-time greats appears to have been involved in a tragic turn of events. Details are still a little fuzzy, but if someone takes a fart on twitter you can go with the story nowadays. NFL great, 2-time Super Bowl champion, and former contestant on Dancing with the Stars (most important) Lawrence Taylor has reportedly been raped. The alleged incident occurred in a motel room in Rockland County, NJ. Taylor is said to be surrounded by people who care for him. Bill Parcells, Taylor’s coach when he was with the New York Giants, is flying in from Miami to be with Taylor and his family in this time of personal trauma. I know what we’re all thinking. How did Lawrence Taylor, such a strong presence at linebacker for the Giants in his day, get overpowered and raped by a 16 year-old girl? It appears a pimp was also involved and allegedly held down LT during the ordeal. Ghastly. What kind of world do we live in today where a beloved former football star is not even safe from alleged sexual assault? Story developing…

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: it's satire people, Lawrence Taylor, NFL, NFL news, Rapey, sexual assault, trying to one up Logic
Category Fake News, Satire |

Thanks For Everything. I’m Retiring

Hey Internet denizens. First of all, I just wanted to take some time and thank you all for your patronage and support. You’ve made the past 10 months sitting in my underwear, in front of a computer drinking beer and writing dick jokes far more enjoyable than it should have been. You’ve become like family to me. It’s become increasingly difficult to read sport stories and accompany them with appropriate potty humor. Management has brought in a great supporting cast to help me, but I’m no longer able to compete at a high enough level for my standards anymore.

It was great when the powers that be brought me Gimp, Logic and then Berstreet. We enjoyed great successes here. Then Berstreet signed on with With Leather and Gimp had his first child, and we entered a serious rebuilding phase. PJDiaries came on board and there were glimmers of hope in our eyes. Ryan “Kidd” Bidwell came on lost his life in an untimely incident and things looked grim again. Our scouting team found us a couple diamonds in the rough in Chubs_KGun and White Speed Receiver.

It’s a time of great promise and purpose here with the Gally Blog organization. We’ve got people doing interviews with National Canadian media. We’re doing interviews with former NFL players turned recording artists. We’ve also breached the land of the podcast, as both Berstreet and Logic have had their time under the spotlight in the House of Punte podcast.

I’m sadly stepping down though. I’m taking the road showed to me by my good friend Nomar Garciaparra. Nomar played for many years with the Boston Red Sox before he was shipped off to the Dodgers. He had some success with the Dodgers but battled injuries the last two years and his playing time greatly suffered as a result. The Red Sox on the other hand went and won two World Series championships without Nomar. Yesterday, he signed with the Red Sox, so that he could retire as a member of the team that dumped him in order to win. Taking that into account, I’m announcing that I’ve signed with the Red Sox so that I could also retire as a championshipless member of the team. They even came up with this wonderful plaque for me, which will be going directly on my wall. Thanks Red Sox, thanks Blogfrica and thanks to the members of the Gally Blog, I couldn’t have done any of this without you guys.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Boston Red Sox, Nomar Garciaparra, Retirements
Category Fake News |

Marques Colston to the New York Giants?

Back to NY?

NOTE: THIS IS A GALLY BLOG EXCLUSIVE… If you don’t know my back story, I’m from Long Island, New York. Also, I live 5 minutes down the block from Hofstra. It’s very inconvenient because of all the restraining orders that the sorority houses have against me, I can’t even get to the mall! :(. However, I bang one of the journalism students that interns for the Daily News. It has its perks. For example, reading the paper one day before everyone else. I didn’t even have to go down on this girl tonight and she sent me this newspaper clipping! Check it out!

WOW!

Now that’s a shocker. Oh wait? Is that a complete fabrication? Did I make the whole thing up? Why, yes. Yes I did. Am I worse than Chris Carlin or Michael Smith? No. Actually, I’m better because I’m not serious with all these lies. Plus, I’m comical and adorable. These people are just blatantly making guesses at where people will end up in free agency or when they will retire; in hopes that the person the story is about just goes: “Am I? Shit, I need to get to San Fran..” or “Holy crap I’m old. I didn’t even know I retired.”

Jeeze. It’s like these people have office pools for these stories and their day was today, so they tried to coax everyone into thinking they won the money. Well you know what? My LEAST favorite animal is a Cheetah.

Except for you. I love you.

Popularity: 5% [?]

Tags: Chris Carlin, Fake News, Hofstra Pride, Marques Colston, Michael Smith, New York Giants
Category Fake News |

Edmonton Oilers Get Creative And Controversial

Kind of looks like a clam. Or a whale. Or a whales vagina?

That above monstrosity is an artist’s depiction of a proposed new downtown stadium, hotel and casino complex in downtown Edmonton. It currently has a projected cost of $400-$500 million dollars. Oilers owner Darryl Katz has put up nearly $200 million of his own money towards the development, which is currently still in the planning stages.

If approved, the stadium will help to revitalize a sagging downtown Edmonton core. There’s two key problems with the whole scenario. The first problem is Northlands. Northlands has hired two consulting firms to look into developing a complex of their own, on land that they have the rights too. Besides owning the current Rexall Place arena they own Northlands Agricom, which is a venue for concerts and conventions. They also own the horse track which is home to betting and VLT’s.

The second problem is money. Up here in Canada, stadiums and sports venues don’t generally receive the level of public financing that American stadiums do. The Ottawa Senators, for example, were forced to pay for the cost of development and construction of a highway offramp so that their arena was accessible by the public.

With that in mind, the Oilers brain trust has come up with a creative albeit controversial and possibly illegal method to fund the stadium. Darryl Katz was furious that the Oilers went the month of January without winning a game. He was furious that they were on a streak of 2 wins in the previous 22 games. He was furious that despite spending to near the salary cap, his team was in dead last place. That was until Patrick LaForge, Oilers CEO, got in Katz’s ear.

Despite the possible backlash, the Oilers are moving ahead with their plans to be the Harlem Globetrotters of Hockey. Seeing as how they’re so lousy, it’s surprising it took so long to come to the conclusion. Seeing as they have nothing to play for, they’re going to play willing opposing teams on their off days. It’s expected that their cut could be worth as much as $500K in profit per game playing college, junior, all star and foreign teams including the Bolivian Osos Del Nieve(Polar Bears).

Katz is expected to meet with Bill Daly, Deputy Commissioner of the NHL, to propose allowing NHL teams to bid on playing the Oilers starting next year. Insider sources say that Katz is willing to do a 60/40 split on profits with the league to allow the proposal to proceed. Early indications are that many teams would be very willing to take part in the project. Speaking off the record, 6 teams in the Eastern Conference said they would be willing to pay up to $1 million per game for the ability to play the Oilers the last 10 games of the year as a playoff primer. The Oilers are even willing to forgo home games and play 82 road games for an increased price. It’s expected that the team could net as much as $75 million next year. If the plan is successful, the Phoenix Coyotes and Columbus Blue Jackets are expected to petition the league to join the project.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Bill Daly, Darryl Katz, Edmonton Oilers, New Stadium, NHL, Rexall
Category Fake News, Satire |