I’m not positive if anyone cares about fantasy sports as much as I do. I’m in a deep 12 team (4 bench spots), 18 category league. So I pretty much live fantasy baseball when necessary but I have one other thing that I feel passionate about, in my life. And it that I HATE hearing people talk about stuff that I don’t care about. So, let me just warn you…If you don’t like fantasy baseball and droll rambling from the geekiest jock on the internet, I’d suggest not clicking “read more”. If you want to put in your pocket protector and tape up your glasses, come join me for a discussion on who is helping your team and who killed you.

This is what I love about Fantasy Baseball. The moves. The waiver wire. I’m going to list my team and since the draft, who I picked up that have pushed me to a 3 game win streak. And I’ll bring up some other interesting moves. Plus the MVP of every position thus far:

C- Joe Mauer- Minnesota Twins- This guy is on cheap asshole. Now I realize why he is always at the top of the league in batting average. The guy takes breaks for weeks at a time after he hits .330. Mauer screwed up my team for like 2 weeks because he was “injured”, yet not on the DL. What am I supposed to carry 2 catchers?! I could’ve picked up Francisco Cervelli, you dickhole. But no, you don’t go on the DL spot so that doesn’t open up a roster spot on my team. Thanks, for the 2 losses.

1B- Mark Reynolds- Arizona Diamonbacks- This guy is awesome. When you combine him with a bunch of guys that hit over .300, his stirkeouts and poor average cancel out and you just reap the benefits of a guy who is going to get you 40 jacks a year. I platoon him with a guy I picked up, James Loney who also happens to hit over .300

2B- Brandon Phillips- Cincinnati Reds- One of my favorite players in the league. I really like the fact that you can get him for pretty cheap (I took him as the 4th or 5th 2B taken) and he has good power and speed.

3B- Evan Longoria- Tampa Bay Rays- I was so pumped that I got him with the 12th pick of the draft (Took Mauer 13th). I couldn’t believe he was available. He’s on pace to be a 30/30 guy who will contend for the batting title. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wins the triple crown. It’s like me sleeping with Lindsay Lohan. I probably won’t do it, but would you be surprised?

SS- Elvis Andrus- Texas Rangers- I originally drafted Ryan Theriot and JJ Hardy. Got nervous when Theriot didn’t hit for 3 games. Dropped him for Scutaro. The guy who drafted Rollins picked up Theriot. Then I ditched Scutaro and Hardy injured himself. Some idiot in my league dropped Andrus. This guy is a base stealing/run producing maniac. Plus he bats .311. Just don’t expect power with him.

OF- Andrew McCutchen- Pittsburgh Pirates- This guy is electric on a really dull line up. He doesn’t have much power, yet still has 6 homers so they are pleasant surprises. There are a lot of good jokes about him. My favorite? “They moved McCutchen from lead off hitter with 0 outs to a lead off hitter with 2 outs”. I don’t remember who said that, so

OF- Magglio Ordonez- Detroit Tigers- He was on the waiver wire for a very long time, and then I scooped him up because Nate McClouth wasn’t cutting it. With 34 runs and 34 RBIs, he was a great pick up.

OF- Ryan Ludwick- St. Louis Cardinals- This guy is annoying. He bats 2 for the Cardinals, in front of Pujols and Holliday and he has a 18:49, BB:K ratio. Are you kidding? Stop swinging the bat like a doucher. Just get on base because you should have a helluva lot more runs than 29.(I currently benched him because I didn’t like him going against Arroyo. Asshole is 2-3 with an RBI and a Run)

Utility- Nick Swisher- New York Yankees- I traded Adam LaRoche away from Swisher because I can use the help at 1B and Swish is eligible there, plus my OF isn’t THAT great.

Bench- James Loney- Los Angeles Dodgers- Just a solid pick up. I feel like he has some upside and compliments Reynolds very well.

Bench- Chris Young- Arizona Diamondbacks- I thought he had a little more upside than Josh Willingham. After last week, I may regret that.

SP- Tommy Hanson- Atlanta Braves- Despite a 5-3 record, Hanson is not the same as he was last year. Basically why I drafted him so high (5th Round)

SP- Cole Hamels- Philadelphia Phillies- I don’t know what is with me. I will draft this guy every year because I know he is good. He disappoints every season. He has a strikeout per inning and a 5-3 record but I do expect more out of him.

SP- Phil Hughes- New York Yankees- I picked him up the second I found out he was starting. He is DIESEL. Probably the best pick up in the league at this point. 6-1 with  2.70 ERA? Pshh.

SP- Jon Garland- San Diego Padres- He might actually compete with Hughes for the best pick up. 6-2 with a 2.15 ERA. He just doesn’t get as many strikeouts as Hughes.

SP- Ryan Dempster- Chicago Cubs- Dempster has been okay. He has a 3.75 ERA and 72 strikeouts in 77 innings. The only poor part is that he has a 3-5 record, so the Cubbies aren’t giving him any run support.

RP- Ryan Franklin- St. Louis Cardinals- Franklin has been awesome. 3-0 with 11 saves. Despite only having 13 K’s in 22 innings, he still has been a pleasant surprise for me, considering I got him VERY late.

RP- Matt Lindstrom- Houston Astros- I’m so happy this guy turned out to be good. I had Huston Street, who needed to be dropped. Lindstrom did blow his last save opportunity and took the loss but I won’t hold it against him with a 1-1 record and 11 saves. 22 innings for 18 K’s is  little bitter.

Bench- Bronson Arroyo- Cincinnati Reds- Bronson has been decent for me. He’s shitting the bed as I’m writing this, but whatever. His ERA is a little high (4.70) but he is 5-2 and like I said, this is a DEEP league.

Bench- Scott Kazmir- Los Angeles Angels- Kaz stinks. I’ve only had him for last 3 starts. Where he was 1-2 with a 5+ ERA. I dropped Max Scherzer for him. How did that turn out? Well, Max came back from the minors and pitched a 14 K win last night. So fuck me, right?

So that’s a breakdown of my team. Here’s some MVP awards, and honorary mentions.

C- Rod Barajas- New York Mets- Yes.  A Met made the list. This guy was a great pick up in most leagues with his 10 home runs. I think he has by far been one of the best value picks of the year.

1B- Miguel Cabrera- Detroit Tigers- This guy is on fire. Last week, he almost single handedly beat me. He was 8/13 with 4 home runs and 8 RBIs last week. He’s at the top ofthe league in Home Runs (tied with Konerko, some guy named Bautista has 16) and RBIs. Plus he’s batting .352. (Honorary Mention in Value to Performance to Joey Votto. Plus, Billy Butler and Paul Konerko were probably not even drafted) Disappointments: Kung Fu Panda, Mark Teixiera.

2B- Robinson Cano- New York Yankees- He has been on fire this season, this has been his coming out party. He managed to find his power (10 HR) and keep hitting for average (.360). I just don’t know why he doesn’t steal bases? He seems like he is very athletic and fast.(Props to Casey McGehee and Ty Wiggington with 2B eligibility and Disappointments to Pedroia and CHutley for not performing as high as they are usually drafted)

3B- Evan Longoria- Tampa Bay Rays- I wouldn’t trade Longo for anyone. I already talked about him (leading 3B in RBIs and Stolen Bases). This guy Bautista is very quietly leading the league with 16 HRs with  3rd Base eligibility. A-Rod has been a Disappointment. Ryan Zimmerman would be a nice value player.

SS- Hanley Rameriez- Florida Marlins- SS is a weak position. As far as strength/speed/BA ratio, you won’t find better at the position than Hanley. He’s a top 5 pick in most leagues so I would check out Alex Gonzalez or Tulo for some solid players. Reyes and Rollins would probably be the biggest disappointments.

OF- Andre Ethier- Los Angeles Dodgers
OF- Ryan Braun- Milwaukee Brewers
OF- Carl Crawford- Tampa Bay Rays

I’m just going to lump these three together. Ethier has been amazing this season and is batting .392. I probably wouldn’t have won last week if he played. Ryan Braun is one of the most complete players in the game. Carl Crawford is just an amazing athlete. Pleasant surprises? Austin Jackson, Jason Heyward and Vernon Wells. Disappointments: Matt Kemp, Grady Sizemore, Jacoby Ellsbury.

SP- Ubaldo Jimenez- Colorado Rockies-
SP- Roy Halladay- Philadelphia Phillies-
SP- Adam Wainwright- St. Louis Cardinals-
SP- Jon Lester- Boston Red Sox-
SP- Tim Lincecum- San Francisco Giants-

I’m going to lump these five together as well. Jimenez is on pace for a Cy Young award. He pitched earlier today and notched his 10th win in which he LOWERED a .88 ERA with a  9 strikeout CG performance. Against me. Of course. What else can I say about the guy? He’s a phenom. Halladay is the best at what he does. He just pitched his first Perfect Game the other day and really deserves it. He’s a stand up guy who has really paid his dues in Toronto. Wainwright is 7-3 with an under 3 ERA and 77 strikeouts. Lester is 6-2 with an under 3 ERA and 77 strikeouts. Lincecum is 5-1 with 80 (league best) Ks and 3.00 ERA.

Like I mentioned earlier, the best value picks here were Phil Hughes, John Garland and you can add in Andy Pettite and David Price who probably should be in my top 5. I just forgot him.

RP- Matt Capps- Washington Nationals
RP- Rafael Soriano- Tampa Bay Rays

Capps wasn’t even drafted in our league but he has been as good as any closer. He leads the league with 17 saves and has an under 3 ERA. Soriano is tied for 3rd in saves with 14 and is 2-0 with a 1.33 ERA. I think those have got to be the 1 and 2 in the league. As I said, Lindstrom was lights out except for his last outing and Franklin has been very good. Closers are like kickers in fantasy football, as long as you have one that starts, you should be okay.

Well that’s it. I doubt anyone read all of that but I’m curious as to who has been killing you or lifting your team each week. Any sleeper picks? Let me hear ‘em!

Related posts:

1. A Way Too Long Fantasy Baseball Preview

If you haven’t noticed, I’m a blogger by convenience. Apparently I also say gay things, or so says a bunch of people who worship a purple team, have a sex slave as their avatar and someone who can’t stop thinking about wanking it. Not to mention the hottest blogger in Blogfrica! Pffttt. That’s like being the best suicide bomber at Pearl Harbor. I digress, my fantasy baseball season is about to begin with a draft on the Ides of March so I needed to do research. Which would make a good blog post. So you’re welcome, Internet.

There are many websites and experts in fantasy baseball with a lot to say and “keys to winning your league”, which you probably have to pay for. It’s really aggravating. Just like how Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay have jobs. I heard McShay in an interview, and he said don’t take Suh with the first pick…/sigh

Fantasy experts are retarded. I don’t even begin to beg you to take my advice, let alone pay for it like Matthew Berry. Hell, the guy has 200k followers on Twitter. I didn’t think rapidly balding dorks were “in”? The main difference between me and him is simple, I don’t encourage taking my advice. Actually, I encourage quite the opposite. I usually do miserable. I can’t predict injuries worth a crap. I had Grady Sizemore and Cole Hamels last year. In football, I had Peyton Manning on his worst year since his rookie season. Even when I draft perennial talent, they do bad. There is nothing you can control. This isn’t like being the banker in Monopoly. However, here is the strategy I’m going to follow this year:

Draft an infield first: Last year, I took two OF’s first. Grady Sizemore at 12th and Matt Holliday at 13th overall. It didn’t work out well. It was also my first year of fantasy baseball, so don’t kill me just yet. After this year, if I don’t improve…then kill me. Actually, I’ll commit seppuku.  Well, the thing with taking outfielders as high picks is that the lower picked outfielders worked out better for the other guys. For instance, guys who drafted Ryan Braun, Carl Crawford or Jason Bay were much happier with their results than I was. This year, rather than reaching on guys like Ryan Braun, Carl Crawford, Matt Kemp (my top 3) why not draft a guy like Sizemore or Josh Hamilton coming off a down year? Or wait for a Zobrist or Adam Dunn. Those guys didn’t just lose their talent. Everyone is entitled to a down year. Also, See: Upton, BJ.

Enough about OF though, the reason you really draft infield and catchers first, is that there aren’t many top tier talents out there. Think about the significant drop off from A-Rod, Pujols, Mauer, Ramirez and Utley compared to Outfielders (Braun, Kemp, Crawford, Holliday, Ellsbury) [Top 5 via Bleacher Report] or Pitchers (Lincecum, CC, Verlander, King Felix, Halladay) [Top 5 via Open Sports].

Closers are like kickers. I’ll come at you if you draft them high: After the obvious great closers like Mo, K-Rod and Papelbon…I think it drastically falls off. Maybe throw Broxton in there, but the rest are all kind of mediocre. The thing is, the mediocre closers can suffice. Don’t waste your early picks on a closer when Saves is just one category you can win and the innings, strikeouts, ERA, WHIP won’t affect you nearly as much as a starting pitcher would. I had a great year in a league with 2 closers. I got by with, Trevor Hoffman and Huston Street last year. I drafted Hoffman but I also could’ve picked up Fernando Rodney, Kevin Gregg or JP Howell who all were pretty decent for their squads. Street and Hoffman actually turned out to be All-Stars which was a plus, but I didn’t waste picks. So why waste an early pick on Mariano Rivera who won’t really affect your team THAT much, but if he sucked, he could ruin you?

Keep an eye on young talent: This might be kind of a no-brainer, but I’d like to point out some notable guys that really came on last year. For example, Andrew McCutcheon was probably my biggest pick up because of the Sizemore injury and Holliday slump until the trade. Other than him, Gordon Beckham impressed many with his performance as well. Who’s going to be the one to draft Stephen Strasburg?! There are a lot of questions with rookies. Let me throw a few out at you, will Austin Jackson start and be successful in Detroit? Will Matt Wieters become what Baltimore hopes? The key is to check out where the stars have moved. For example,Nate McClouth got moved to Atlanta and McCutcheon became the starter. I understand that was during the season, which is why this is very important to monitor throughout the season.

Don’t be a homer: This should be Fantasy rule #1, really. I’ll give you a good example. Wanna know how I suck at fantasy baseball? I was the guy who drafted Joba Chamberlain last year. Yeah. During the “Joba Rules” season. That’s how bad I suck. I’m a Yankee fan, I’m sorry. Rather than stretch on Sabathia and Teixiera like my friend did…I took Swisher, Joba and AJ Burnett. Nice job, Logic. It’s okay though. I was in a league with 8 Mets fans last year. It should’ve been easy money…

Bounce Back Years!: I’ve mentioned this quickly but bounce back years are key. You think Christmas Ape was happy with his Tom Brady pick this year in fantasy football? What makes you think guys like Grady Sizemore, Josh Hamilton and Cole Hamels can’t have amazing years again? Is there something I am unaware of where when a guy has one bad year, he is done forever? Like one of Newton’s Laws or something? I don’t know. I’m not a scientist but I don’t think those exist. Don’t read this wrong, though. These picks aren’t early picks! Read some Mock Drafts and see where these guys are going first. You may be able to grab Hamels in the 7th round, like the Mock Draft I am going on from “Open Sports”. You are also looking at the dude who drafted Chris Carpenter, so I must know what I’m talking about. /mouthfart.

Don’t get scared if your player starts in a slump: This is a MUCH bigger aspect of the fantasy world in baseball than football. That’s where I fucked up last year. In football, you have 17 weeks to tear it up. In baseball you have 6 months. For example, a guy in my league dropped Derek Lee last year. That pick up could’ve made my entire season turn around but for some reason the waiver wire wasn’t in tune with draft position. I should’ve had the first waiver Pick up because I had the last draft pick. That is something I needed to look into. The point is, that idiot should’ve have dumped D-Lee in May and he really helped out the dude who picked him up.

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FIN

Ok, and approaching 1,500 words I will cut it short. The real key to playing fantasy sports is in the waiver wire or drafting guys who get mysteriously hot out of no where. For example, last year if you drafted Zach Greinke, Nick Swisher, Ian Kinsler and Jason Bay… I bet you didn’t lose a game until June or July. I guarantee you that no one predicted those years for those guys because NONE of them went in the first 3 rounds. Zach Greinke was out of baseball a few years ago with mental disorders, for Christ’s sake.

So good luck and take my advice, don’t take my advice…Hell, take the opposite of my advice! Just don’t buy anyone’s stupid advice or you become just as stupid as them and I really would prefer it if you got castrated by two bricks. In conclusion, reproduction won’t be in your future, man.

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