Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Tuesday August 2nd 2011

‘Holiday Fun’ Archive

Some Heartfelt New Year’s Wishes From Old King Clancy

If you followed me from The Phoenix Pub, you’re probably familiar with this schtick already.

And a New Year’s toast coming up after the jump. (more…)

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I’m Burnin’ For You: This Little Light of Mine, I’m Gonna Let it Burn!

Look what my Old Aunt Clancy, sister of my uncle who perpetuated the running Cockburn joke with me, made me for Christmas. This is why my family kicks ass.

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I’m Burnin’ For You: A Merry Cockburn Christmas Special

First of all, here’s Old King Clancy watching the Skins-Cowboys game:

Yeah, I’ve had that in my back pocket for losing to the Cowboys all season. Turns out, maybe the Eagles game was the right place for it. However, since if there’s one thing I’ve learned from 2 weeks on Twitter, it’s that people on the Internet are supposed to repeatedly pat themselves on the back, I’d like to mention how perfectly the lyrics from last week’s song describe being a Skins fan.

So, the Sex Cannon. Since the DC media are generally a bunch of flip-flopping lapdogs, he’s currently the toast of the town. Despite losing. Yes, he threw 4 TD passes and a lot less ground balls than McNabb. However, he also threw a horrific interception on the Skins’ 20 and fumbled on the Skins’ 20. So yeah, he was better than McNabb for this game. But to use my dad’s genius description of Neil Lomax, he’s “just good enough to lose with.” And the point is that they lost. To the Cowboys. Now, in the Cannon’s defense, the real reason they lost is because the defense and special teams kept fucking that chicken. Yes, the Sex Cannon fucked over the defense with a couple of his turnovers, but none of their 460 yards allowed is the Cannon’s fault. And the kick and punt coverage did their jobs as well as Jennifer Lopez trying to sing or act (or pretend to be a human being). So the Sex Cannon sucked the least out of the 3 elements. Good for him. They still lost. To the Cowboys.

I’d like to surrender the floor to Hogs Haven‘s (my favorite Skins’ blog) Ken Meringolo, who said best of this: “Chalk up another “We should have won, could have won, but really had no business being close to winning” day. I mean, there we were yet again…the ways this team takes losses are simply amazing. What lessons are we learning this year? Really…what are we gaining from the experience of almost winning this many times? I worry that the lesson being driven into this team is more how to lose than how to win. I suppose the hope is that another offseason of roster upheaval will further erode the foundation of our institutional culture of losing. We can only hope that young, promising players like Brian Orakpo and Trent Williams will escape the psychological anvil that has destroyed guys who have played here in the past. After all, there is a limit to how much bullshit a professional can withstand before he either decides to leave or decides to give up and go through the motions.” Amen. And there’s always a glass of Cockburn available for you and your partner, Kevin Ewoldt.

Speaking of, and sorry for taking up space on the main page, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump: (more…)

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Titans Game

And by “laff,” I mean Cockburn! And what an apt scene headed into Thanksgiving American Thanksgiving.

Anyway, hey Tennessee, we won the game of horseshoes! Now you owe us a watermelon! I’m actually halfway impressed with this game. The Skins still suck, but I expected them to roll over the rest of the season like they did for the Eagles and they actually put forth a professional effort befitting a team that was embarrassed by their previous game. Sure, the Skins were helped dramatically by the ineptitude of Vince Young and the way more suckiness of Rusty Smith, but I’ll take it. When an entire bar is chanting the name of Rusty Smith, cheering for him to pass when he’s on offense because they’re A) expecting an interception and B) that means no Chris Johnson, that says something. It’s also nice to not be the team making national headlines for internal turmoil for once. Anyway, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.

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Cam Newton Dressed Up As a Fairy for Halloween. Are You Going to Make Fun of Him?

I don’t think I’ve seen a guy dressed as a fairy look so manly since Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Cam Newton is the fairy on the left. The sexy nurse on the right is Clint Moseley.

Each year at Halloween I shake my head (or #SMH, #SMDFH, #RealTalk as the kids say these days on the twitterz) at the number of adults dressing up. To me, 12 is the cutoff age for dressing up and trick-or-treating. It’s fun for kids to dress up, though, and I will never, ever hate on or attempt to impede anyone’s efforts to get candy. The only way I can see adults dressing up for Halloween is if it’s one of those classy costume parties like in the Kubrick movie Eyes Wide Shut.
Not many people think as I do on the subject, though. One group in particular that embraced dressing up is the Auburn University football team. They had a costume party/ competition on Sunday night, and Warblogle.com has the pictures to prove it. They got most of the pictures from receiver Terrell Zachery’s twitter profile as he was tweeting out pictures throughout the event. Here’s one more of “Super” Cam Newton and defensive lineman Antoine Carter dressed as Usain Bolt. (more…)

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How to write an entertaining blog post for The Gally Blog – By PJDiaries

Well, hello Saint Patrick’s Day. How nice of you to come around again and provide a reason for ginger haired Irish bastards to think that they’re more than smut and for giving a reason for everyone else in the world to drink unabashedly.  Today we’re not alcoholics, we’re just celebrating heritage!

It's funny because the cat is drinking beer!

Well not me, because I work all day and have school all night. And I’m not Irish either, because I’m mildly attractive, you see. But that doesn’t mean that I’m all business, oh no. Instead, I am willing to start a meme to keep everyone’s interest today for no other reason than because, if you’re stuck doing boring shit like I am today, than you may need to find an appropriate way to waste time. So here we go. I’m sure many of you have done this before, but what are some of the shortest books that could ever possibly be written? For example, “Respecting your wife and family” by Tiger Woods. Oh hey, a Tiger Woods joke, right after he announced that he’ll be returning to play the Masters! Hilarious! But you get the idea.

I’ll start us off with some probably not very funny examples, just to get the ball rolling for the real comedians around here to chime in. But if you’re around or lucky enough to not have to work today, join in on the fun. Here goes:

“Positive conflict resolution” by Ray Lewis

“Ho-hum: How to not become the greatest NCAA football coach in the history of the game”  by Tom Osborne

“Respecting the game” by Bryant McKinnie

“Consensual sex with an well known friend” by Ben Roethlisberger

More after the jump …

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