Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Friday May 20th 2011

‘In All Seriousness’ Archive

Bills Fandom: You Aren’t Jealous

“We want to get things turned around, but at the same time it’s football teams with grown men laughing at other grown men on the football field. That happened to us in the ball game last week and it happens every time we play New England.”

-Donte Whitner, Bills SS

That quote appeared under the headline “Donte Whitner tired of Bills being laughingstocks” on PFT yesterday. The Bills have been outscored by 32 points in two games, both of which they’ve lost. They haven’t made the playoffs since the Music City Forward Lateral. I’ve been a Bills fan as long as I can possibly remember- Norwood’s kick might be my earliest sports related memory- and I like to think that I’m more rational than most.

Now that that’s out of the way, YOU’RE tired of it Donte? You are? Really? You just play for the damn team and cash paycheck equivalent to my annual salary every week. Being a Bills fan is like being punched in the groin without the promise that the fist will eventually remove itself from you. We draft a RB- a position at which we had two decent starters- with the number 9 pick, name him the starter week 1…and put him third on the depth chart by week 2. Nevermind that the pick was sold to the fan base as “he’s a playmaker” and with an implication of “we have a plan for him”, clearly, no one knew what in the world they were doing. So rather than draft any OL, a real #2 reciever, a QB, DL, LBs or ANYONE AT A POSITION OF REMOTE NEED, we draft a “playmaker” at #9 who had ONE touch last week. One. Uno. Un.

And while we’re on wasted draft picks, Donte, how about we cover you? You were the 8th pick in the draft four years ago. In those four years, as a safety, you have amassed five fewer interceptions than Jarius Byrd has in his career. Jarius, by the way, was a second round pick LAST FREAKING YEAR. And he missed the last two games of the season. If there was an embodiment as to why this team is a laughingstock, you would be at the top of the list, if only because the others on that list aren’t on the team- or any team, for that matter.

It’s not just when the Bills play New England either. I knew the Bills were a joke when people stopped making fun of me for being a fan. People treat me like my puppy just got run over. “Oh, you’re a Bills fan?…oh, dear, honey, come inside and I’ll make you some cocoa. Do you like Spongebob? I’ll put on Spongebob…” At least the Lions have some excitement- they actually let their rookie running back loose, for better or for worse. Are they 0-2? Absolutely. Would I rather be a Lions fan? As much as I’d rather be paid to write. There’s a glimmer of hope for Lions fans. They have a QB, RB and WR of the future. They have a DT that may actually kill a man on the field just to watch him die. They have players that I would like to watch and that will probably be good someday. The Bills have a Mediocrity Day Parade at QB, where it doesn’t matter where the carousel lands, because the difference between the guy Madden rates at a 75 isn’t much better than the guy rated a 73. And if it’s that close, maybe the preseason should have been a QB competition instead of a coronation for Trent Edwards, who is shockingly not Jim Kelly (for this revelation, I should obviously be in the scouting department). I’m sure Fitzpatrick is the answer though. Until they yank him for Brohm in two weeks. And then back to Edwards. Meanwhile, the Bills will be 0-8 and more unwatchable than normal.

Chan Gailey will play conservative because he thinks its the best way to keep the game close, and he’s right to a point. But 0-16 with a few losses by single-digits is not a moral victory. I would rather the team go 1-15 by playing balls-to-the-wall football like cocaine-ravaged chipmunks and losing the 15 games by an average of 53 points…just to win that one game. There is not the talent on that roster to play not to lose. Hell, grab Herm Edwards and just have him scream “YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME” all game long. Don’t even call plays. It’s not like you can be much worse.

People ask me how I can still root for this team. The owner says he cares, but is too set in his ways to change now. The team sucks to a degree that Hoover won’t sponsor them (they don’t want to look bad in comparison). The stadium is closer in age to my father than it is to me. The best thing I can say about it is that there’s no bandwagon fans left- it’s a very pure fanbase (think of it as the polar opposite of Red Sox/Steeler Nations). I’ll never stop loving the Buffalo Bills. But at some point, you wonder if they’ll ever figure out how to circle the wagons.

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Lebron. Seriously. Lebron.

June 14, 1998

I only know the date because I looked it up, but what it signifies is more important. That night, Michael Jordan hit his last shot as a Chicago Bull, and the NBA would never be the same.

Look where we are now. Ask yourself how you can be an NBA fan at this point. Lebron, who had been generally a good guy until the last few weeks, went heel. Kobe’s always going to be Kobe. Kevin Durant is a decent guy, but plays for the team that ripped out Seattle’s heart. The entire GM, ownership and coaching structure has been proven irrelevant in personnel decisions. This has ceased to be something the fans remotely matter in, they just happen to pay the bills.

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Another Ignorant American Soccer Post

We live in an era of absolute hyperbole. Nowhere is that more evident than the skipping record of articles that are written every four years about the World Cup. Either this is the year that America embraces soccer or we’ll never love a game that is so BORING and COMMUNIST. Most rational people (there’s about seven in the world, last I checked, and four of them are making Beerswear in Calcutta) know that reality is somewhere in the middle. Judging the reaction of friends/coworkers to the World Cup, it seems like more than mere jingoism. There are people that are becoming soccer fans, between these games and the Champions League final. I think that soccer can, in fact, catch on in the states. And that’s not necessarily a good thing.

 

Saaaturday! In the park! Must have been the 4th of Julyyyy
Obligatory vuvuzela reference

Soccer is a tricky game to understand for most Americans. The strategies and assignments on offense and defense are reminiscent of hockey (another sport that’s not real cozy with the average American), while the theatrics are purely European (in the most negative stereotypical way possible). A 0-0 game can be a moral victory- in fact, ties are a common occurence. (more…)

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Public Parody And Mockery: My Peter King Moment

The Internet is a varied landscape that approaches dystopian hell far more than utopian bliss. For every person online that likes what you do there’s many more that hate you or that don’t or won’t acknowledge your existence. If you create content on the Internet, you will receive some praise, but you will also receive angry emails and hatred in the comment sections. Peter King, the senior NFL writer for Sports Illustrated, is a prime example of this. He does a column every Monday called Monday Morning Quarterback, or MMQB. It’s his take on the NFL, rules, upcoming games, news and has some personal anecdotes sprinkled in. Every Monday KSK does a Fun With Peter King column, where he gets torn a new asshole. He takes it in stride and even retweets some of the venom that is directed his way. Some think that’s a douche move on his part, but I for one, find it interesting to see some of the bile that is directed his way. I suppose it’s part of the cost of his level of fame. He’ll never make everyone happy, and will always have detractors.

Recently, I’ve had some what you could call struggles in my personal life. My job situation has become tenuous to say the least and my future position and stability is balanced, shakily, on the edge of a deck of cards. [Edit:Redacted] Needless to say, I’ve not been in the best attitude as of late. It happens to us all though, but unfortunately my life is quasi-public. Now I get to feel the little stabs of “humor” that is mockery. New to the world is the Twitter account @EmoGally.

Well, Bravo good sir/s. I don’t know who is running the account, though I have my suspicions. The account is funny, or at least would be to those that don’t know me, though has crossed a line once or twice. I’m now sorry I didn’t just drink my face off and shut the fuck up, bottling everything inside. I was never mopey enough to warrant this, though I suppose I did start it. In a couple of moments of self parody I labeled a few tweets as #emogally. So I suppose it is my fault after all. I guess that you haven’t “made it” on the Internet until there’s something solely set up to mock you. So this is Internet infamy? Not as much hookers and blow as I would have expected.

Some Choice lines from the project below. (more…)

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Tips On Marriage For PJD

One of the contributors at this site, PJD is getting married this weekend. So congratulations to him on that. But before he takes the big plunge, I would like to pass on some helpful tips courtesy of some stand up comics.

First up we hear from Rodney Carrington:

The key to this one is right out of the gate: (more…)

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So…Why Do Athletes Rape Stuff?

In recent weeks, there have been two particularly high-profile cases of alleged rape, between LT and Big Ben. Now, if you’re like me, the big question is why, exactly, pro athletes would want/need/choose to rape anyone. The entire concept seems to make no sense whatsoever- like Bill Gates robbing a bank at gunpoint. My intent here is not to excuse what they did (or didn’t, depending on the story you believe) do, but rather to explain why it could possibly (and does) happen. And there is a difference.

Based on my experience in college, there were two universal truths about the athletes there. One was that there was a near endless supply of people that wanted to sleep with them (this was not gender specific, by the way. The women’s volleyball team could have had any guy in the place at the drop of a hat). The second was that there was a rape charge against an athlete about once a year. How could people that have that much available to them go after what they can’t (or shouldn’t, I suppose) have?

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The FBI Needs Priorities, MLB Needs Drugs

I write this, not as a Yankee fan concerned about A-Rod’s mental health or well being. I really couldn’t care less. We showed last year that A-rod needs to bang hot chicks to do well (See: Hudson’s butt, Kate). The reason I’m writing this, is that I have no idea why the FBI is involved with baseball. I understand that taking steroids or HGH is illegal when not under doctor’s orders. I understand everything that goes into the smuggling of the drugs from Canada into the US because that’s the only reason that makes Canada great. You can basically go into a corner store and go “I’ll have 600 vicodin, please” and they give it to you in a Chinese food-like carton with a smile*. I just think that on the priority list of things the FBI should be doing, this would be at the bottom.

Performance Enhancing Drugs make the game better. There. I said it. There is no doubt about it. People like to see home runs. It’s a thrill to catch them in the outfield’s cheap seats. It’s the only reason to pay for cheap seats. I’ve seen fights erupt in the bleachers at Yankee Stadium over a Nick Swisher home run. Even Nick Swisher was like: “C’mon, bro”.

So this is my argument to legalize PED’s in baseball. It’s quick and to the point. The guy with the most money would obviously be the best of all time because he can buy the most drugs. This is a good thing because the player with the most money, is usually the best player. So the best players with more money can buy more drugs than less talented players with not as much money. This keeps the ratio in balance! Nothing changes, except statistics go up and the purists of baseball who care about the hall of records and how many home runs a player would hit on Tuesdays in April can shampoo my crotch.

So when Bonds and A-Rod were sure things to go down as the all time home run champs, they probably would have anyway. They are/were the most talented players in baseball of their time. So they took a bunch of drugs to make it a sure thing. If someone told you that you could take this drug that makes you look like a Greek God and make almost a half of a billion dollars in a life time, plus have job security and date super models…and all of this was 100% going to happen…you wouldn’t because Jack Handy’s family would be upset that you shatter his records? The only draw back is your balls shrink and your head gets big. WHO THE HELL CARES? I for one, am sterile and already have a huge head. Where can I sign up?

And as always I offer solutions to other people’s problems…even when unwanted. Here is a list of things I think the federal government should take care of before HGH, after the jump.

  1. (more…)

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I Bet I Could Medal In Jaywalking

NBC’s Olympic coverage has come under fire for just about everything. Tape delays, terrible coverage of the sports themselves, and causing Emperor Penguins to change their migration patterns; they’re all valid. Deadspin devoted most of a day to it, and this post highlighted a large problem. That is, the games are marketed as a two-week long reality show.

News Flash: They already were.

The issue with NBC isn’t that how they package the Olympics as much as their refusal to change how they do so. Ratings have been pouring in, and they actually beat American Idol the other night. The comparison around the internets to the Tonight Show debacle has been well documented. That does not, however, make it any less relevant. NBC wants Jay Leno in that chair because he will give them a consistent ratings win (for the time being) and a rather predictable amount of viewers (if I recall correctly, about 5 million). He may not take any chances, or even be funny, but for that network that’s exactly what they want. It’s also exactly what they’re looking for with the Olympics. Tape delay events to broadcast them when you damn well please. Make any sort of statistics about the events as they happen more difficult to find than the events themselves. They’re getting viewers, and if it worked in 1993, it’ll work now, right?

The flaw in their logic is the same as it is with the Tonight Show. Leno’s most well-known running gags are Jaywalking and Headlines. Thanks to YouTube, I can watch people be idiots without Jay prompting them with a question about US history. And Google makes it pretty easy to find “funny headlines”. Jay will get a consistent audience in the short term, but the day will come that he can’t get by on that shtick anymore. The same way with the Olympics- someday, the illegal feeds will get too numerous to keep whack-a-moling. Someday, people will watch the events live whether NBC wants them to or not. It’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when. (more…)

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You’re in Big Tweleven-10 Country

If you’ve been near the internets at all today[Edit:this post was supposed to go up before yesterdays events occured], you’ve probably seen various reports that the Big Televen is courting Texas rather hard. If not, your tubes may be plugged, impeding your progress to the blagosphere. People smarter than me have broken down the potential reasons for Texas to share interest, but I figured I’d just look at this from a college football/Big Ten fan perspective. In disjointed list form!

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Helping Out Haiti: A Donte Stallworth Redemption?

Donte Stallworth

As some of you know, the last year has been a rough one for Donte Stallworth. Last March, Donte was driving his Bentley at 7am near Miami Beach when he struck and killed a man. That man, Mario Reyes, was jaywalking but Stallworth was legally intoxicated. Stallworth was charged, but due to a kink in Florida “at fault” law, he was not charged with the homicide, but rather manslaughter as Reyes was illegally crossing the street.

Now I’m not saying that Stallworth’s lapse in judgement and resultant guilt is worse than what the Reyes and his family went through. He does have to live the rest of his life knowing he killed an innocent man and dealing with that guilt. Though he faced up to 15 years in Jail, he was able to plead down to a 30 day sentence in jail. He also reached a financial settlement with the Reyes family in order to not face a civil suit. The details are not known, but he did have $5 million in insurance in both auto and umbrella coverage. The NFL followed up by suspending him for a minimum of one year.

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