Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Tuesday August 30th 2011

‘Interviews’ Archive

Don’t Worry, Jared Allen’s Mullet Just Moved South for the Summer

The world was aflame in anarchy and Samson like agony the last few weeks as everyone’s favorite mulleted hero apparently trimmed his strengths off for his nuptials. Yes, it was reported widely that Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen cut his mullet off and seemingly there was photographic evidence to prove it. But as we’ve learned with such things as Helicopter Shark, not everything you see on the internet is as it appears. PJD was able to obtain an exclusive interview with The Mullet itself and talk about it’s alleged disappearance and summer plans …

PJD: Mullet, thank you so much for sitting down with me. I know you’ve had a tough couple of weeks here. You made a brief appearance on The Gally Blog last week, sharing words of fire and anger that really seemed to hint towards a bitter divorce with Jared Allen, but what can you tell us about what really happened?

Mullet: … Am I seriously talking with some bowl cut looking pig fucker right now? Where the real reporters, or at least that Vikings Gab set of tits, Laylay Onamie or whatever her name is? I gotta talk with you? This is some shit. Ok, listen pasty face, yes, Jared and I had a pretty nasty public divorce, but a lot of it was misguided. He pulled me aside after our initial shaving and had some very interesting plans for me, something your hairless donkey ass probably wouldn’t understand.

PJD: Fair enough. I haven’t shaven in seven days and do have nary a shade of tuft on my cheeks. But perhaps our readers would be interested in your back story. Plans you say, what plans?

Mullet: Oh, it’s about to get saxy in here.

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Logic Sits Down With Jared Allen….’s Mullet


Hey there lil fella


Here at TGB, we like to land interviews with celebrities. It makes us look a lot cooler. I’ve talked with some awesome people since I began writing here. Namely Kyle Turley and Mike Tunison, but I pretended to talk to a few other people. Mostly because I’m a sociopath with a lot of free time. Here is the latest installment:

Logic: So if you’re not a caveman or some kind of deranged hermit living under a rock, you have probably heard that.. (more…)

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A Logical Interview With Kyle Turley

 



Kyle Fucking Turley



Welcome everyone, to what could possibly be me peaking as a blogger. If you didn’t check out my post on The Michael Kay Show, check it out. That’s how it all started. I was listening to the radio, Michael Kay had Kyle on as a guest in Miami. They kept cutting Turley short on all of his answers and I was wondering why. Then, all of a sudden they brought Brooklyn Decker on. Oh. Right. That’s why. The thing is, you can’t see Brooklyn Decker on the radio. So what’s the point?. After that post, I was in contact with Tim from Gridiron Records (who is an awesome guy as well) about doing an interview with Kyle and I planned on letting him talk for as much as he wanted because I think he is an awesome guy with a lot of great points on all the topics that are currently going on in the NFL.

Here is a link to Turley’s EP on iTunes featuring two of the tracks we talk about “Fly ‘N Helmets” and “I Bleed Black and Gold” and be sure to check out the In-Store release on March 9th. The album will probably be on iTunes at the end of March. He is currently on tour in the West Coast, but he did say we will get a beer when he comes on the East Coast. So I’ll be looking forward to a follow up with Turley. A drunken, debauchery filled follow up.

My favorite parts of the interview included…

After Kyle spoke about giving his brain to science when his time is up.. We spoke about zombies:

Logic: You’re not scared they are going to make a zombie Kyle Turley?

Kyle: That’d be cool. That’d be awesome. I’d come back as Iron Maiden’s fucking roadie.

And during a question about his influences, I asked him if he ever murdered anyone…

Logic: So, have you ever shot a man in Reno just to watch him die?

Kyle: Not yet. But it ain’t over.

Well that was out of context! Aren’t I a professional? And it’s an interview like that, where you have some douche bag talking about murder, pedophilia and zombies that Kyle Turley is still well spoken and comical. Despite his legacy from one stupid play (Where any lineman would have done the same thing, given the chance. Always protect the QB, no matter what! WILL YOU PROTECT THIS HOUSE?!?), he is still one of the NFL’s good guys who continues to help the fight for rights of retired players’ and their well being. He  is also contributing to research and development of studies for concussions to further help the future of the NFL and football players everywhere. I had no business speaking to such a great person. I’m lower than low. I’m somewhere between the white stuff that accumulates at the side of your mouth when you are thirsty and dirty bath water.


Audio after the jump!

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Jared Allen: Mullet Life

This video is all kinds of awesome, and not just because we started the Jared Allens Mullet Twitter feed. You don’t have to like Jared all that much, or even think he’s the leagues best defensive end(he’s not). After watchin this video, you will respect him for sticking to his guns and not giving a fuck what people think.

Apparently part of being badass is taking extra mayonnaise when somebody asks you if you want it. I guess this means that most Americans, especially Big Daddy Drew, are not badass at all what with their adversion to mayo. If you watch the video right to the end, Jared apparently mentions his one weakness other than the run game. He clearly says that he’ll cut it one day, when he dies. Through careful extrapolation and other scientific processes, that means if you cut off his mullet in his sleep, he’ll die. Think about it QB’s. I’m looking at you Aaron Rodgers if he suddenly dies in a haircut related incident.

And ladies, chest hair hearts? Anyone?

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Q and A with Stafon Johnson

There are many dangerous components to being a football player. Your body can get hurt in a lot of different and unique ways. Such as the case with Stafon Johnson, Running Back for USC. Apparently he was lifting weights and dropped the barbell on his throat which crushed his larynx. Being the savvy sports reporter that I am, I was able to have access to chloroform the hospital he is recovering at and grab him for an interview for a few minutes:

Logic: Hello Stafon, how are you doing this evening?

Stafon: (gives thumbs up)

(more…)

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Logic v. Ape

Here’s the deal. When I came on board at The Gally Blog we had a meeting of the minds and I had 2 main ideas to start the website off. The first is in the works.. the other? Well I’ll let you watch the promo:

]

(video credit and another interview)

Mike Tunison or “Christmas Ape” of just about any sports blog that is worth talking about (Most notably, Kissing Suzy Kolber) came out with a book, The Football Fan’s Manifesto (Click the Link to Buy it). And I just had to be an annoying douche and make Ape take time out of his busy day of ripping wings off of Ravens to answer some questions for our blog. This is how it went:

Logic: Before we get into the book, I admire that you were a journalist before becoming a full time blogger, do you think you have an edge because you know about sentence structure and how to format ideas into something legible? If so, you think you’re better’n me?

ChristmasApe: Having a major that involved writing often and concisely didn’t hurt. That said, if initially picking a professional field where there are no jobs is supposed to have given me a leg up, then, yeah, I crushed it.

Logic: Are there any hard feelings toward the Washington Post? Or do you think that the whole situation amplified your fame as an internet celebrity?

Ape: That fact that I wasn’t able to leave on my own terms still bugs me sometimes, but I don’t find myself missing the job a whole lot. It got me a decent amount of exposure, which has helped. At the same time, girls I’ll meet will Google me and give me a hard time for the parrot photo, so it’s a double-edged sword, I guess.

Oh. This Parrot Pic?
Oh. This Parrot Pic?

Logic: I read your interview with The Diamondback, still no love on the Wikipedia, huh?

Ape: Guess not. I am mentioned on the Kissing Suzy Kolber Wikipedia page. Still, suppose I have to sack up and admit failure in life for not having my own entry. And here I thought I was doing so well. [Shakes fist at heavens] One dayyyyyyy!

Logic: It’s ok buddy. My page comes up as a math equation. Alright let’s switch gears and talk about this book that I’ve never heard about from any of the blogs that you’ve written for (/sarcasm). The Football Fan’s Manifesto? Those other guys seem to be giving you a hard time about book whoring, are you paying them to wash your Benz now?

Ape: After Drew’s onslaught of book whoring, the other KSK writers barely even noticed my book whoring blitz. Still, gotta get the word out there however possible. The mainstream media outlets don’t tend to pay much mind to sports books written by bloggers.

Logic: Why do you think main stream media hasn’t taken to sports books written by sports bloggers? It seems just as legit as a player writing it or an analyst. I always say ESPN analysts are overpaid bloggers.

Ape: MSM outlets don’t want to legitimize bloggers who are stealing readers from them. Also, they have a misguided notion that most of what they do is more worthwhile than what we do simply because their employer has been around longer or has more prestige. Even if it’s often similar content.

Logic: I would even go as far to say that we have the upper hand because we are passionate for what we write about. Many of us even being volunteers and not just writing for a paycheck. Well, I’ve read the book and thoroughly enjoyed it. I was surprised you even had something nasty to say about the Steelers when you bashed every team. Was it hard?

Ape: I tried to be a little even-handed. The content is already masturbatory enough. Making it completely homerific too would be a little overkill. Still, I get plenty of extra hate in on teams I dislike.

Logic: I’m a Giants fan, I enjoy winning and have had a decent amount of success with this franchise, granted it’s not as much as the Steelers but would you rather have never even know the sport of football or be a Lions fan?

Ape: I’m friends with a couple Lions fans, bless their beaten down hearts. They maintain a healthy level interest in the league as a whole, all the better to not focus on your own team. Actually, they still manage to get excited at the start of every year, which can probably be attributed to severe megatardation. Either way, I can see a benefit to it – you can wryly dissect the rest of the league without riding the emotional roller coaster that mostly ends up in disappointment, since you know your team is going to lose anyway.

Logic: So what’s your choice? Lions or no NFL? There’s a gun to a loved one’s head.

Ape: Lions fan. Can’t live without the NFL in some capacity. Plus with the use of garbage bags, I’d save tons on my hat and haircut budget.

Logic: Imagine that there is an Eagles fan and a Ravens fan with you. In a room. There is one gun and one bullet. What do you do?

Ape: I’d shoot the Eagles fan and pistol whip the Ravens fan. Have to keep him alive so he can see his team lose to the Steelers three times a year.

Logic: Wow! I think I would’ve shot myself in that scenario. Kudos for doing your homework and being a hateful man. By the way mister, I really didn’t appreciate that championship lacrosse team crack. You know, I was on a championship lacrosse team in 2006 right? Well every girl in the tri-state knows…

Ape: You must have a bitching collection of visors. And STD’s.

Logic: Well, visors… not so much… Next question! Do you think fantasy football is good for the regular NFL fan?

Ape: Sure. It’s another element of drama. Granted, it can create some minor issues with rooting interest, but with a little mental disconnect, anyone can compartmentalize fantasy away from their actual fan interests. It also makes most fans more knowledgeable about the game. And God knows there are enough fuckwit fans out there already.

Logic: Alright, this question was debated amongst my friends the other day. Can one truly be a fan of a team without going to at least 1 live game a year? If no, how do they make it up?

Ape: I think that’s fine. Going to games is expensive and not everyone can swing it. At least try to make some social outings with your fandom, if possible. Like a team’s local bar, if possible. Or at least vandalize one rival fan’s car per year.

Logic: Hear that kids? If you don’t get arrested for criminal mischief, Aaron Rodgers won’t throw touchdowns. Ok, Can you give us your All-Douche Team? (at least the skill players, lineman aren’t true people)

Ape: Brett Favre, Philip Rivers, LenDale White, Cedric Benson, Terrell Owens, Brandon Marshall, Jeremy Shockey, Vince Wilfork, Albert Haynesworth, Leonard Little, Jared Allen, Ray Lewis, Brian Urlacher, Joey Porter, Terrell Suggs, DeAngelo Hall, Roy Williams

Logic: Brian Urlacher is a douche?

Ape: Dude slept with Paris Hilton. Only a certified douche would risk themselves for that beanpole with the vapid mind and cocktail of STDs.

Logic: Ok, you can fuck one, marry one and kill one. Erin Andrews, Suzy Kolber or Pam Oliver.

Ape: Guess I gotta fuck Erin Andrews because she’s the only one of the three who’s not at least 45. Marry Kolber, because you gotta keep the Matron Saint honest. Sadly gotta kill Oliver. Don’t have the problems with her the others seem to, but a woman turning 50 in two years loses out in this equation each time.

Logic: I think I’d have switch Suzy and Andrews. Andrews looks like a good cook. You definitely have to kill Oliver. She wants a black quarterback more than anything in her life. You can see it in her eyes when she interviews David Garrard. Anyway, I laughed pretty hard about the Girlfriend Wonderlic Test. How important is this and how many girls did you have to dump just to get one with a good score?

Ape: I don’t know, maybe I’m lucky, but I haven’t had a lot of difficulty finding women who are knowledgeable about sports. Still, for a guy who makes his living writing out of his apartment, turning away attractive and willing women for their football acumen probably isn’t the smartest move. There, YOU’VE SHIT HOLES IN MY SATIRE BOOK!

Logic: Couldn’t be. I haven’t shit solid in a decade. Alcoholism is a bitch. Lastly, any closing comments for the fans and potential book buyers?

Ape: Every time someone buys my book, Brett Favre gets placekicked in the dick. Crotch on the kicking tee and everything. Okay, maybe not true, but at least if someone placekicks him in the dick, I’ll give them a signed copy of the book.

Logic: Hear that? Brett Favre AND dick kicking. It’s like Jesus in paper form. I would like to thank Ape for taking the time to answer my shitty and annoying emails.

Gally: Don’t worry Ape, we’ll make a Wikipedia page for you.

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How not to answer a question…

The above video is of the Buffalo Bills’ 7th round draft pick, Ellis Lanksder showing us how not to answer a question. Either that or he’s doing what could only be described as his best impression of a Valley girl, by saying “like um” at least 100 times. Somewhere between the 5th and 6th “like um” I lost count out of sure disbelief that this was actually happening.

Maybe Lanksder is just camera shy. Maybe there’s a good looking blonde in the front row, and he can’t multi-task staring at her breasts and answering a simple question. Or maybe he’s just confused and disoriented as a result of going from West Virginia (where he played in college) to Buffalo. Say good-bye to rural towns, meth labs and incestuous relationships. Say hello to TO’s overinflated ego and a sense of disappointment that’s been growing since the 90s . That’s more than enough to make anyone lose their focus and start jabbering nonsensical “like ums.”

Either that or drugs…

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Mass Effect 2; Ray Muzyka Interview


I’m not going to lie. I have the most ridiculous nerd boner over this. I picked up the original game for $20 one day when I was bored. It was an amazing experience. I completed the approximately 25 hour game over the course of the next 4-6 days. Yes that is a lot of a time, but what else was I going to do? Blog for a website that I hadn’t created yet?

If any of you have an Xbox 360 or a PC capable of playing games, then I highly recommend that you pick that game up. The sequel is out New Years Eve for PC, and Jan 30 for Xbox. That means you have 3 months to play the original and get aquainted. Trust me, I guarantee it will be worth your time.

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Research suggests heavy drinkers more likely to exercise than non-drinkers. Score one for the alcoholics.

Research suggests you can go from this...
Research suggests you can go from this...

About damn time some research came along to support my debaucherous and destructive ways. A new study suggests that heavy drinkers are more likely to exercise than light and non-drinkers. Which has been the reasoning I’ve been trying to explain to my in-laws, wife, and AA sponsors for the last few years.

Surprisingly, the effect was strongest with heavier drinkers, who “were more likely to exercise than light drinkers and exercised for more minutes,” said lead researcher Michael French, a professor of health economics at the University of Miami.

Health economics? I did not know they gave degrees for something like that. It’s like they took two different unrelated subjects and paired them together. What’s next, business engineering? Corny joke Fail

...to this.
...to this.

Eh whatever. This just gives me another excuse to drink, besides that other one I’ve been using for the longest time. You know that one about my drinking being a “disease” that I can’t control. It’s a pliable excuse, and it nets me some free coffee and pastries on the small chance I attend one of those court ordered meetings.

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US Open Q & A

Announcer: Ok, I think we are all set up and awaiting the arrival of our interviewee. We have an inside source at the Arthur Ashe Tennis Center who has been behind the scenes for the U.S. Open. We’re really excited to have him here and all the wonderful things he’s done to keep this event running
Announcer: Settle Down Everyone. Settle Down. We’re ready to begin.

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