So I’m at a bar watching one of my favorite bands, the Lloyd Dobler Effect taking the stage after the game. Haven’t heard of them? Well, then why the hell didn’t you check out my New Year’s post? Anyway, they aren’t famous. But we go back to 2002 and you probably won’t meet a nicer group of musicians. Decent gig for them since playing across the street after a huge game around the holidays probably means a good door for them. A couple members are wearing Caps jerseys. Given the broader audience, they’re mixing in a few more covers than usual – some awesome and some not my favorite. For instance, their guitarist is a huge devotee of Canadian indie pop like myself and sings on a phenomenal folk-rock cover of Stars’ “Elevator Love Letter,” which is

I'd consider revising my "No Penguins Fans" policy for her

pretty much my favorite song in the world to begin with. They also threw down a very popular cover of “Little Lion Man,” which is a song I don’t even like because I can’t stand the dude’s voice, but with a different person singing it was surprisingly good. Not to mention their requested (by me) cover of “Doin’ the Butt” and their hip-hop number for the evening, “Gin and Juice.” On the downside, Weezer’s “Beverly Hills” and “Island in the Sun.” Why? Even they didn’t look like they were enjoying it, especially the latter. Come on, you should know that Weezer died after their first 2 albums. Anyway, there’s a handful of people who know their songs, like 3 people (including me), and a modest crowd of people enjoying the show.

And then in come the douchebags. Yes, let’s give a toast to the douchebags. And to be fair, every team has douchebags as fans, so I’m not calling out either squad, despite being an enormous Caps fan and hating the Penguins. I don’t like many Penguins fans, but it’s possible to co-exist and talk semi-rationally – myself and K-Gun for instance – and each concede and decry the douchebag faction of the fan bases.

Now that we’ve established that, in stride and crow two female Penguins fans, one drunk off her ass. Early 20′s. The drunker of the two is all chesty (and by that I mean boastful, though she did have a good body) about the game and is all up in everyone’s face, even though everyone’s mostly watching the band. OK, so this chick along with black spandex pants is wearing a light blue Crosby jersey, which is a johnson-killer for this guy anyway. And she’s … well, she is conventionally attractive, but not in a way that seems particularly authentic. One might describe her as “trashy hot.” Let me put it this way: She’s the kind of girl that Gally would rabidly encourage you to follow on Twitter. Her friend is also wearing black spandex pants and a black Penguins t-shirt and she’s … well, the very definition of average. She looks like the girl next door, but not in the Hollywood-ized wicked-alluring-impossibly-cute way. I mean, a literal girl next door. Like on a scale of 1-10, she’s a 5. And there’s nothing fucking wrong with that. I’m probably a 4. Maybe 3 ½.

OK, so Trashy Crosby immediately starts making an ass out of herself. She pushes through the crowd yelling about how the Penguins won (which they really didn’t because shootouts aren’t real) and starts screaming about it at the band. For a retort, Chris Bruno, the guitarist, responds, “You two are about as hot as Sidney Crosby with that moustache,” which just encourages her more. Throughout the next batch of songs, she proceeds to make a serious of lewd and suggestive gestures at the band’s drummer (who, by the way, is married with children) and is met with a combination of the finger and being ignored. (Her

Do not want.

apparently less drunken and lascivious friend is halfheartedly repping the Penguins, but mostly standing around). After realizing she probably isn’t going to get railed by a band member between sets, she sets her sights on the rest of the crowd. None of whom seem particularly interested in a drunken booty dance with someone that’s off their ass. I actively turned my back. Most others just ignored her. Until her real target demo showed up. A group of stereotypical “bros” in Caps jerseys. Straight Dane Cook, homey.

To most of their initial credit, most of them were initially nonplussed. Until she managed to snare one of them. Now this dude, he was tall, lanky, Asian-ish (which isn’t at all relevant to the story), and looked about 18, but did have a beer, so I’ll give him credit for legal drinking age since they can be tough about IDs in the arena district. He gave a look like Santa Claus had come 2 days early that a trashy hot girl was all the fuck over him on the dance floor, even if she was wearing a Crosby jersey. Now admittedly, he already displayed his spectacularly bad taste in that he sported an Alexander Semin jersey. I hate selfish, talented enigmas and hope the Caps don’t re-sign his bitch ass. Anyway, Douchey Semin’s friends laughed at him. A lot. He looked like the cat who ate the canary and was about to eat some more cat. I did a lot of standing around shaking my head like Lee Trevino in “Happy Gilmore.”

OK, time for an aside. Even if she wasn’t wearing a Crosby jersey, I’m glad that most people weren’t giving her the time of day, because there really is a code here that Douchey Semin was breaking. If there’s a substantial drunkenness discrepancy, you gotta leave it alone. Because then it’s like date rape. This unwritten law has been a great cause of my not getting laid, but also being able to live with myself. I guess I will say that Douchey Semin found a solution, which was trying to catch up in alcohol consumption.

The original Douchey Semin

So I decide to insert myself. No, not that way. Because they’re annoying me. So I pull out my phone and type, “You can do better,” on it and show it to Douchey Semin. He brushes his shoulder off, essentially telling me to fuck off and that he can’t or doesn’t want to. So, you’re thinking. Kind of a dick move on my part? Maybe. It’s entirely possible that I may be known in some circles as what some may call a “hater.” I don’t really like to see other people getting some when I’m not. Especially if it’s under some kinda sketchy circumstances. But maybe I’m just using my “codes” to mask sexual frustration. I’m far from a perfect person and this is one of my flaws. Remember, like they taught you in smart person English class, a non-omniscient narrator is only as reliable as his/her perspective.

So these 2 are making a trashy spectacle with their dirty dancing. Meanwhile, the Average Friend is trying to separate the two. I can’t see what she’s saying to Douchey Semin, but it seems to equate to, “This girl’s off her ass and we need to get her the fuck home.” She does not seem to be having any effect and looks dismayed and frustrated. She has that look in her eyes like, “This fucking happens every time we go out and it sucks.” I actually kinda felt bad for her. Being the perpetual babysitter to a more attractive friend sucks balls. I’ve been there. I almost considering striking up a platonic conversation over this and trying to help call Trashy Crosby a cab. (For whatever reason, I have this thing with trying to get drunk girls cabs so they don’t get date raped; I spent at least an hour on New Year’s Eve helping strangers. I have issues. We know this). But then Trashy Crosby went to the restroom and our story took a turn.

Trashy Crosby was in the restroom for a long time. Who knows what she was doing in there. Blow? Hurling? A vibrator? Sleeping? Got me. What I do know

Don't fuck with the babysitter! Or in this case, do!

is that the second she left, the Average Friend, who had spent the last 30 minutes trying to pry Trashy Crosby’s vagina off Douchey Semin’s penis was on Douchey Semin like Nick Denton on a rail of coke. She’s got his Caps hat on her head and they’re dance-fucking worse than he was with Trashy Crosby. Soon, as the ways would have it, they’re having a disgusting drunken make-out in the middle of the floor, despite the fact that the Average Friend didn’t really appear that drunk until just now. Eventually, those two went home – and by “home” I mean somewhere that wasn’t in the bar – together. And Trashy Crosby snared some other bro Caps fan. Maybe one of Douchey Semin’s friends, but I couldn’t tell because those frattish white guys all look alike. And they left together. I guess everyone went home happy. But I was still amazed by the epic steal of Douchey Semin by the Average Friend. Not that he was much, or any of a prize. But that she used a move that could only be best described as “The Fake Babysitter.” Pretend to spend substantial time and energy trying to keep your friend out of trouble and then pounce on the guy you’ve finally gotten her off of. Leaving your friend to fend for herself. Machiavellian genius.

So what was I doing during all this drunken debauchery and going places to get fucked in the ass? Glad you asked. I met a woman who was a rabid fan of the band (one of the other 2 there besides me) and whose birthday it was. Bought her a drink for her birthday, danced a bit, exchanged contact information, silently realized the logistical circumstances of our transportation precluded any possibilities, and went home. Having made yet another new friend. Classy as always. Heart of gold and bollocks of blue. Such is the life of Old King Clancy.

But that’s not what you should take away from this. If you’re a member of a douchebag collective, and I know at least a few of you are, and you really don’t like your friends that much, and you don’t have much of a conscience, try “The Fake Babysitter.” Apparently highly effective. Like I said, learn something new every day. Now, get the fuck out of here!

Related posts:

1. Some Heartfelt New Year’s Wishes From Old King Clancy

And a New Year’s toast coming up after the jump.

As if there was any doubt as to what it would be? I would like to encourage all of you to quaff a hearty flagon of Cockburn. What? I haven’t run enough staples from my old home? I think someone else wants to wish you a happy New Year.

A Caps win in the Winter Classic would make Corrie extra cheery. If there is a Winter Classic. Hey, NHL, when you put the Winter Classic in a shithole where the sun never shines, don’t be surprised when it fucking rains. Dumbasses. By the way, Corrie is now an assistant captain of the Red Rockers. If she starts wearing an “A” on her outfit like hockey players, that would be the single hottest thing of which I could conceive.

So what’s my New Year’s resolution? It’s actually to put less strain on my memory by writing more stuff down. What? You wanted something more soul-searching, poignant and big picture? How about this:

Need help making your own resolutions? I suggest you all resolve to stop fucking pigs. Yeah, I know. I ask too much sometimes. Hey, it’s not a crime to have big dreams. Hope this year kicks last year’s ass!

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2. I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game
3. I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Doesn’t Watch the Second Half of the Skins-Vikings Game

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

FIFA World Cup

FROM THIS MORNING: Slovakia 1 New Zealand 1

From Yesterday: Italy 1 Paraguay 1.  Stupid thieving flopping wops stole a point.

Japan 1 Camaroon Nil

Netherlands 2 Denmark 0 .  We’re all winners when these two countries play, and I’m not talking about anything that happens on the pitch, either.

NHL

At least the draft is coming soon.

MLB

The Minnesota Twins did not play.

St. Louis 9 Seattle 3

Milwaukee 12 Los Angeles Angels 2

Toronto 6 San Diego 3

San Francisco 10 Baltimore 2

I hate interleague play more than any of you could ever imagine.  If I could find a way to simultaneously kill Bud Selig and Gary Bettman at the same time but it would cost me an arm, I’d get ready to adjust to life with a flipper.

NFL

Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything.

College Football

It looks like the conference change merry-go-round is coming to a screeching halt.  I have something in the works on this.  I’ll just say this now: yesterday I compared what the Big XII is doing to putting a band-aid on a mortar wound.

NBA

The NXT rookies were at it again last night, but they were repelled by pretty much everyone in the WWE.  At the end of they show, they attacked Canadian Prime Minister Brett Hart.

I’m sorry, I seem to be confusing my athletic entertainment leagues that are fixed.

Redhead

Yup, another ginger I’d leave in no position to walk straight.

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First, some people seem to be a little upset about Nebraska (still allegedly) joining the Big 10. While an official announcement of the move is expected today, all I can say is “You mad”. You don’t like getting fisted, don’t come to a gang bang with a number 2 pencil. Just sayin’. On to the recaps.

DEEERRRRPP!!!

NBA: That mildly looking retarded fellow in the front of that picture being draped by Gary Coleman’s son is Glen “Big Baby” Davis. I hope he dies in a vat of lard. However, he played quite the game of an idiot savant Thursday night as his 18 points (nine in the fourth quarter) helped the Boston Celtics even the NBA Finals series with the Lakers at 2-2. Also, it appears that things started getting pretty chippy between the two teams with some awesome fouls being made throughout the game, and I think it was Farmar who almost lost his head. YES. AWESOME. I hope the rest of the series is this violent.

NCAA Football: Oh boy. College football has turned out to be spectacular in June. With the flurry of rumor this week about Nebraska all but being the newest member of the Big 110 (that was originally a typo, but I decide to keep it), fellow Big XII North school and notable worst fans in the entire country, Colorado Buffaloes, officially announced their removal from the Big XII to become the newest member of the Pac10. Cool! So now you’ll become like Baylor in this new conference. What a terrible school. Also, I noticed my pants getting aroused last afternoon and realized it was because USC got popped straight in the toofs by the NCAA because they’re cheaters and bad people. On top of losing scholarships and other self imposed sanctions to other school sports, USC also lost one of their recent Championships (WOO!) and can’t go bowling for two straight years (BOOYA!). Couldn’t happen to a better school. Luckily, USC fans are notoriously blasé about their team, so I’m sure no one there has even noticed yet.

MLB: There were a couple of good baseball games out last night, if you’re into that type of boring shit. Someone, the horrible team in the Oriels squeaked out a winrar against the Yankees, 4-3. The shitastic Cleveland team beat the Red Sox 8-7 as well. Even the lowly Royals beat my hometown Twins 9-8 in quite the nail biter. I’d be lying to you if I said I watched ANY of those games though. LOL! Also, this doesn’t have much to do with anything, but I saw that the new Marlins stadium that they’re building is going to have an aquarium as the backstop behind home plate, full of live fish and everything. WHAT! THAT IS FUCKING AWESOME. Good for you, forgettable Florida team.

NFL: Benetration has admitted that his actions which have led to, oh, a couple of sexual allegations were immature. /wanking motion followed by a back hand.

Obligatory sexy time:

I just can't trust those hips ...

Oh, and one for me, I suppose:

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NHL

Congratulations, mouthbreathers.

As a Minnesotan, I am not allowed to like Chicago sports.  It’s the rules, not anything personal.  So a begrudging congratulations to the Blackhawks on winning the Stanley Cup in a 4-3 overtime thriller.  Once again last night, we saw why the NHL playoffs are the best in American sports.  Skill and passion were everywhere in this one.  Sadly, the only thing that was missing in the game as a whole was exceptional goaltending.  As it was a game won by the Blackhawks, I am required by law to link to this: Dagger.  If anyone you know watched this game and still isn’t a hockey fan, ostracize their incompetent ass.  You should associate with morons like that, anyway.

And now, I leave my NHL roundups for the season with this picture and a tip of my cap to Philadelphia fans, who were boisterously booing Gary Bettman while he was awarding the Stanley Cup to Chicago.

MLB

Minnesota Twins 6 Royals 2 Carl Pornvano had a solid outing, allowing 2 runs over 8 innings.  Kansas City is terrible.

Look at that thing. It's glorious.

Also around the league, it was Sodomy Night:

Cleveland 11 Boston 0

Tampa Bay 10 Toronto 1

Chicago Bitch Sox 15 Detroit 3

Texas 12 Seattle 2

Chicago Cubs 9 Milwaukee 4

And finally, 6 people attended last night’s Pirates-Nationals games.  All six of these unfortunate souls had been handcuffed to their chair while passed out drunk the night before during StrausJesus’s performance, and couldn’t escape.

NFL

Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything.

College Football

Yesterday was full of college football news.

*Nebraska may or may not have all but joined the Big Howeverthehellmany.  As a member of the conference, I’m more than willing to welcome the Cornhuskers to our group.  Since I was expecting your arrival, I made you guys a cake.  Go ahead, try it.  Good, huh?  What do you mean the chocolate “tastes a little funny?”  Eat up.  Yeah, I did use something exotic in it: ex-lax.  Fuck you, Nebraska Football.  We’re not even yet.

* USC is going to be getting the fucking hammer.  Quite honestly, this pleases me greatly.  2 year bowl ban, recruiting sanctions, and scholarship reductions are about right for one of the dirtiest programs of the last decade since the NCAA refuses to give out the death penalty anymore.

NBA

Like the integrity of the league, there’s nothing here.<

Redhead

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NHL: Oh, would you look at that. The NBA went full retard and scheduled two days in between games, so Gary went and did the same. I know the NHL would have been up against Strasmus and the NBA finals, but come on Gary. Come on.

Official Gally Blog NHL Story Picture

MLB: The apocalypse slowly keeps chugging along to fruition. The clearest sign is the Mets, with what I like to call the Metspocalypse. Every time I do one of these recaps, it seems they’ve won another game. Last night they won in 11 innings as Ike Davis hit the game winning HR to get a 2-1 victory over the Padres. It was their ninth straight home victory. Carlos Pena who’s been on a slump was the hero in Toronto last night. He had 2 HR’s and 5 RBI’s in leading the Rays to a 9-0 shellacking of the Blue Jays. In the debut of Steven Strasburg or as the Internet called it, Strasmus, the Nationals prevailed by a score of 5-2 over the Pirates. Strasburg was dominant, pitching 7 innings and getting 14K’s amongst other things. He’s also the first pitcher ever to get 14 K’s in under 96 pitches. He did it in 94, of which 65 were strikes. I’ve only seen highlights, but he seemed almost unhittable.

NBA: Well, the Lakers did it again last night. They beat the Celtics 91-84, taking a 2-1 lead in their series. Boston came out of the gate strong but then the Lakers went on a 25-5 run to show them what’s what. Then in the third quarter the Lakers really sucked as they only had 15 points. In the 4th quarter the Celtics had cut a 17 point deficit to 1 point, before Derek Fisher took over. He lead the team with some clutch shooting and continued to shut down Ray Allen. Ray was 0-13 shooting last night, mostly being guarded by Fisher. Kobe had 29 points to lead the way for the Lakers whilst KG had 25 for the Celtics.

Gratuitous Sexy Athlete:

Hey, we’re an equal opportunities blog here. Time to give the lady readers some love. I know you’re thinking, “But, Michael Jai White is an actor. WTF?” Well, yeah he is, but he also holds 7 black belts so victory is mine or something. I don’t know anymore, I lost track.

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NBA:

I would take a random shot in the dark and guess that there sure ain’t a whole lotta Laker fans that read this site, however, even when he’s not having the most obnoxious game of his life (last night had 30 points, 7 boards, 6 assists) Kobe Bryant still knows how to skull fuck you. He ended up being the catalyst for the Lakers game one win over the Boston Racists, 102 – 89. Boston is hoping that KG remembers how to finish around a hole (*wink!*), Ray Allen stops giving and receiving stupid phantom fouls, and Rasheed Wallace disappears into the Guatemalan sinkhole, otherwise they be in trouble.

NCAA Basketball:

Bad news in famous people updates (good news is you had four famous people dying since Memorial Day in your office pool?), but it appears that Hall of Fame coach John Wooden is in critical condition still after suffering from … something. No one knows because the doctors say releasing that information would be a “violation of medical privacy laws”. Really? I’ll show you some violation, stupid doctors …

NCAA Football:

Texas wrote up some (probably) fake stories yesterday about how they are apparently the new hot bitch on the playground being invited to join the Pac10, along with most of the Big XII South and … Colorado. Haha, ok, that’s how you know this story is false. No one wants to be affiliated with Colorado.

MLB Notes:

After getting fisted out of his perfect game, Armando Galarraga was designated to bring the lineup card out to home plate ump Jim Joyce, who was the masked man behind the fisting. They shared hugs, got a little romantic with scented candles and some Genuine blaring over the loudspeakers, then played some baseball. AND DRANK SOME BREWS, BROSKI (Note: May not have happened.)! Also, the Orioles sound like they’ll be firing their manager but can you really blame them? Baseball faults CLEARLY always fall on the manager.

NFL:

NFL news?!? Kind of. Darrel Revis, who might be one of the coolest cucumbers ever, is certainly not acting like one as he has decided to pout about his contract and has stated that he was ABSOLUTELY INSULTED by the Jets recent offer. What, was $10 dollars not enough for you? I will do some sexy things for that amount of money, Darrel. Call me. Reggie Wayne has followed suit, too. I mean with the hold out, not with getting sexy.

Sexy Time:

This has nothing to do with anything, but apparently we’re supposed to post sexy pictures? Try this one out:

Pretty sure she's doing it wrong, and no one cares.

And maybe one for the ladies? Personal favorite:

God dammit, you sexy SOB. Sing songs to me.

Ok, just kidding. That last one was for me too.

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MLB

Nothing too exciting here, the Yankees won, Red Sox won…OH AND ARMANDO GALARRAGA GOT JOBBED OUT OF A PERFECT GAME BY JIM JOYCE ON THE WORST CALL IN MLB REGULAR SEASON HISTORY! SHIT!

Ruined perfect game

Oh and the man with the prettiest swing in the history of baseball, Ken Griffey Jr. announced his retirement.

NHL

The Philadelphia Flyers do what the Canucks, and Sharks were unable to do: Win a home game against the Chicago Blackhawks, snapping their road playoff winning streak at 7 games. The Flyers win 4-3 in OT on a deflection from Claude Giroux to cut the Blackhawks lead in the series down to 2-1.

NBA

The NBA did what it’s players do best last night: Sat around, watched, waited for something to happen, and eventually let someone else do everything. The NBA Finals finally tip-off tonight. Prediction? No.

College Football

Rumor has it that Boise State will be joining the Mountain West Conference, and will be eligible to play games for them starting in 2011. And with that move, the MWC becomes more of a legit football conference than the Big East.

Golf

Tiger Woods will play in The Memorial which starts today. If he wasn’t, you wouldn’t be reading a golf update on here.

That about it for here. Go out there and make the best of the day.

Gratuitous Female Athlete:

What? Sex is a sport right?

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Holy shit, I’M LATE!  I’ve been screaming that all morning.  Fortunately for me, the fiancée has not been screaming that.  Anyway, this is an abridged version because I’m not supposed to show up to work an hour late any more, and I obliged today: I showed up an hour and five minutes late.

NHL

Hell of a game between Danny Carcillo, errrr the Blackhawks and the Flyers.  Chicago ends up winning 2-1, taking a 2-0 lead in the series, and they’ve never really looked like they’ve not been in control.  To say that Philadelphia’s on the ropes in this one is probably an understatement.  They should be able to steal a game in Philly, but the engraver’s probably already started his work.

Official Gally Blog NHL Story Picture

MLB

The MLB Network aired live the afternoon game between the Rockies and Giants featuring impending NL Cy Young winner Ubaldo Jimenez (he of the high stirrups.  YEAH!) and reigning NL Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum.  One of them looked the part, and it wasn’t Lincecum.  Jimenez pitched a 4-hit 9-strikeout 0-run masterpiece to extend his scoreless inning streak to 26 while lowering his ERA to 0.78.

Other notes: The Indians intentionally walked Mark Teixeira to fill first base to face known blatant cheater Alex Rodriguez.  The dirty whore responded properly by hitting the 20th Grand Slam of his career.

There you go.  No real NFL news, I don’t give a shit about the NBA, and you’ll want to check out Unprofessional Foul and Avoiding the Drop for news on Crystal Palace’s impending demise.  Ugly stuff, folks.  No cheesecake because I didn’t plan ahead.  I apologize, and I’ll make up for it.

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It’s Memorial Day today, so take a moment or two to remember the men and women of service that have given their lives for the freedoms we enjoy today. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

NFL:

It's this big. I swear.

MLB: Kendry Morales of the Los Angeles Angels, who broke his ankle jumping while celebrating a game winning Grand Slam, could be back with the team for the end of season. Team orthopedist, Lewis Yocum, said that once the surgery is complete- which was put off due to swelling- he could put weight on the ankle in 4-6 weeks. Howie Kendrick’s second HR of the game, a three run Walkoff shot, led the Angels to a 9-7 victory over the Seattle Mariners. Albert Pujols, who had just recently ended a 12 game HR drought, hit 3 HR’s last night to lead the Cardinals to a 9-1 victory over the Chicago Cubs. Max Scherzer was just recalled from his demotion to AAA ball and responded with fine form. In 5 2/3 innings pitched, he struck out an amazing 14 batters. It’s the most strike outs in such a short outing since 1900. The Tigers beat the Oakland A’s 10-2 as a result.

NBA: Hedu Turkoglu is an unhappy camper. He had a piss poor season for the Raptors last year and was appropriately benched for it a few times. Now, despite the fact that he’s got 4 years and $43.8 million left on his contract, he doesn’t want to return to Toronto. Whatever Hedu, I’ll always remember you for this:

Auto Racing: It was the Indy 500 and the Coca Cola 600 this week. That is all.

Gratuitous Athlete Photo:

It kind of counts right?

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