The Morning After Pill is where we recount the previous days events in the sporting world. Certain sports/teams are left out due to extreme lack of caring or hangovers. Or potentially being held captive by the Escort’s bodyguard until our best friend shows up to pay for the hooker.
NFL: Things in Minnesota got a little sticky last night, as all of ESPN’s announcers were literally using their own spooge as lube to masterbate to Brett Favre playing against his former team, the Green Bay Packers. Think about that for a minute. It’s disgusting, and only the Japanese would watch something like that, and yet it happened. He who shall not be named, threw for around 268 yards(depending on your source) and three touch downs as the Vikings beat the Packers by a score of 30-23. Adrian Peterson was held mostly ineffective as he only gained 55 yards but had a TD. Aaron Rodgers threw for 382 yards an 2 TD’s, but it’s hard for your team to win when your QB spends as much time on his back as Jenna Jameson and Amy Reid combined. Jared Allen and his glorious mullet accounted for 4.5 of his teams 8 sacks of Rodgers. Last week Rodgers claimed that he needed less blockers for him to be successful, and now maybe next weeks game plan will be to have the Center being the only Lineman in front of him and everyone else on the field report as RB’s or eligible receivers. Michael Crabtree and his agent have reopened talks with the 49ers. His agent will be meeting with 49ers staff on Tuesday.
College Football: LSU fans are showing the class and dignity of Miami fans these days. The phone numbers of Urban Meyer and several prominent Gator players have somehow made their way into Louisiana, and the fans have been texting them and leaving messages. Not the I love you and want to have your baby messages, but not the I’m going to wear you as a suit type of messages either, so I guess the Gators are getting off lucky. Unless it’s some bizarre plan to lull Meyer into a false sense of security before actually wearing him as a suit. Juice Williams, who looked so good two years ago in leading Illinois to the Rose Bowl, has been benched after leading his team to a 1-3 start. Lane Kiffin is a take charge hold no prisoner bad ass. Receiver Brandon Warren, who had transfered from FSU, has been kicked off the team for having a heated argument with his receivers coach. Someone should invent a time machine and go back in time to when Jenna Jameson didn’t look like a duck. Then with her immense practice with catching and receiving, she would make a great receivers coach. And no player would argue with her, because they would think that if they just listened to her they might have a chance at getting some. (more…)
The Morning After Pill is where we review the previous day in the sporting world. Certain sports/teams are left out due to extreme lack of caring or hangovers
NFL: Mark Sanchise turned the ball over twice against the Saints yesterday. Well more than twice, but he turned over twice for TD’s as Gregg Williams may have in fact transformed the Saints D from a flaming pile of dog shit to a legitimate D. Peyton Manning brought his laser rocket arm out again today as he threw for 353 yards and two TD’s. He’s now tied with Fran Tarkenton for third place all time with 342 TD passes. The battle of Ohio turned out to be better than any one expected as Cincy beat the Browns 23-20 in overtime. Ochocinco had 2 TD’s and nobody but one of the retarded announcers didn’t know the OT rules. The 49ers absolutely crushed the Rams 35-0. San Fran’s D got three scores and put up an incredible 39 fantasy points, carrying fantasy teams to win worldwide.
MLB: For the second straight year the Twins are in a one game playoff to determine the winner of the AL Central. They crushed the royals 13-4 and the Tigers got 8 strong innings out of Verlander as they beat the White Sox 5-3. A-Rod proved again that he’s super clutch in the regular season as he hit 2 HR’s and 7 RBI in the sixth inning alone as the Yanks beat the Rays 10-2. Nutty, but don’t worry non-Yanks fans, he’ll likely dissapear in the post season like he always does. Maybe this year instead of hooking up with Madonna or manly women he can find himself a good old fashioned Thai lady-boy. In Ken Griffey Jr’s potential final game, King Felix dominated as the M’s beat the Rangers by a score of 4-3. Griffey started his career in Seattle, and when he left for the Reds his career was never the same as it was derailed by injuries. He is the active career leader in hits and home runs. (more…)
The Morning After Pill is a recap of yesterdays sporting events. Some sports and teams are left out due to our lack of caring.
Sports? What sports?
College Football
Pretty weak offering of college football last night. Colorado versus West Virginia? Wow awesome. I was so overwhelmed last night by that match-up that I had to drink half a bottle of whiskey just to fall asleep. West Virginia won 35-24.
In other college action that you probably care nothing about, unless you happened to wager on it, was Southern Miss at UAB. UAB was victorious 30-17.
Everyone’s favorite shit starting, sucker punching RB, LeGarrette Blount, may be reinstated. Or at least that’s what a sourceis saying. I totally think the NCAA should let this guy play. Blount has Bengals draft pick written all over him and I’d hate to see him miss out on that opportunity just because he punched some guy in the face. This doesn’t just need to happen. It has to happen. He could be the Starsky to the Bengals Hutch. The Yin to their Yang. Chris Henry could be this guy’s mentor. Talk about a Bro-mance.
Baseball
Hmmm baseball. Really? Well I guess I might as well mention it once before the playoffs. Expect me to refrain from uttering another word about baseball until either the Yankees, Red Sox, or Phillies get knocked out of the playoffs.
Detroit failed to lock down the AL Central yesterday as they lost to the Twins 8-3. The Tigers magic number is 2 and I could really care less. Best case scenario involves the Twins looking like they’ll clinch the Central, only to lose it at the very end. Bertstreet would be so pissed and I would be thoroughly amused.
Hockey
The 2009 NHL season kicked off. Yeah that’s all I got. If you’re so inclined to know the results of last night’s hockey match-ups check out Melt Your Face Off.
The Morning After Pill is where we recount the previous days big sporting news and events. Certain sports and teams are left our due to a lack of caring about them. Todays edition is brought to you by apathy, or to be more precise its brought to you by the fact that I have somewhere to be right now and don’t have the time to put up a proper post. So I present roundups done by other blogs in its place.
Fanbase on Suicide Watch: Minnesota got crushed last night by the Tigers. Even with Mauer blatently stealing signs. Now the Twins pretty much have to win out to have a chance of making the playoffs. Get those pill bottles and alcohol ready Minnesotans.
The Morning After Pill is a recap of yesterdays sporting events. Some sports and teams are left out due to my lack of caring.
NFL: No news is bad news right? Well it’s something like that. The Colts are still awaiting the results of a MRI on Dwight Freeney. He injured his quad in the third quarter of the game against Arizona, and as of now, nobody knows how severe it is. He did walk off the field on his own, but if he’s out for an extended period of time the Colts have no defense. Just after having a breakout week, Frank Gore is out for three weeks with a high ankle sprain. Fantasy owners everywhere are both rejoicing and slitting their wrists, depending on whether they owned him or not. Chad Pennington re-injured his shoulder and is likely out for the season. He’s getting a second opinion from Dr. James Andrews, surgeon to the stars, but in all likelihood he’s done for the season and for his career as a starter.
College Football: USC Senior RB Stafon Johnson is out for the season. He was lifting weights when the bar slipped out of his right hand and fell on his neck, crushing his larynx and neck. He was taken to the hospital for emergency surgery, and is in critical but stable condition. He’s expected to make a full recovery. Tim Tebow is expected to play this Saturday against LSU after sustaining a concussion.
MLB: The Angels defeated the Rangers 11-0 last night to claim their 5th division title in 6 years. They dedicated it in memory to Nick Adenhart, the 22 year old Angel who died earlier this year. The showdown between the Twins and the Tigers was postponed due to rain. Funny, I didn’t know baseball players were made of sugar. In the matchup between the Jays and Red Sox, the Sox were supposed to start Josh Beckett. They scratched him, and his replacement got rocked as the Jays won 11-5. I’m so glad I didn’t bet on that game.
NBA: Kevin Garnett is nearly fully recovered from offseason surgery. He’s participating in scrimmages and is ready for camp to kick off.
NHL: Theoren Fleury, who after an impressive preseason where he scored four points in four games, was cut by the Flames. But that’s old news you say, yeah well so’s your mother. The real news here, is that he’s officially retiring with the team he came in with, the Calgary Flames.
Soccer: Carlos Tevez scored two goals for Manchester City, as they beat his old team West Ham by a score of 3-1. The win was Cities 5th in their first 6 games, which is their best start since 1961.
Gratuitous Semi Naked Female Athlete?:
Beach Volleyball is so totally a sport. Even when done by a castmember of The Hills.
The Morning After Pill is where we recap the previous days events in the sporting world. Certain teams and sports are left out due to me not caring about them.
NFL: This is going to be brief due to me doing a more comprehensive NFL recap later. Washington bails out Detroit. Again. See what I did there? I took something topical and made a lame joke out of it. Actually Sports Pickle beat me to that joke, and we have a $1 Trillion Twitter dollar bet on whether Jay Leno uses that joke in his monologue tonight. I have a feeling I may move $1 Trillion into debt tonight. Oh and the Lions beat the Redskins. Peyton Manning must have taken umbrage with being an underdog to Arizona in Sunday Night Football. He went out there and layed a whuppin on the Cardinals last night. Well him and his Defensive line. Queue up the Manning for MVP articles.
College Football: Jesus 2.0(White) is back home and recovering from the concussion that was bestowed upon him by the heathen Kentucky team. For the six of you that haven’t seen the hit that did id yet, here ya go. Baylor Quarterback, Robert Griffin, will miss the remainder of the season with a knee injury.
MLB: I think Peter Griffin said it best when he said, “Yankees Suck.” But they are sadly one of the most popular teams in the world, and masterbatory fuel for Logic, so they’ll continue to get some coverage here. The Yankees clinched their division for the first time since ’06. Oh noes, woe is me Yankee fans. Has it really been three years? Try being a Royals or some other downtrodden franchises fan. The ever dreamy amazing phenom Zach Greinke was at it again. He added to his Cy Young and MVP applications by defeating the Twins, in a game the Royals won 4-1. The White Sox beat the Tigers 8-4 to keep the Twins hopes alive, even though they also lost on the day.
The Morning After Pill is where we recap the previous days events. Some sports and teams are left out due to lack of caring.
NHL: Quite possibly the most important man ever involved with the sport of Hockey, Wayne Gretzky, stepped down as coach of the Phoenix Coyotes. Gretzky was a partial owner of the team, and as part of his income with the team his salary was $8.5 million a year. Yeah, he made College Football coaches look like poor schmucks. But the team is in Bankruptcy court in a dirty fight for control of the team. He realized that he wouldn’t be sticking around with either ownership group, so he decided to step down so the team would maintain some sort of structure. Peter Forsberg scored a goal in his comeback game with Modo. As expected he was rusty, so I guess we should take him out back and give him the Old Yeller treatment.
NFL: Donovan MacNabb is still nursing a broken rib and is unlikely to play this weekend. In related but not tied together news, Mike Vick will make his return to the NFL this week. As I’ve always said, the world just doesn’t give rich people enough chances. Adrian Peterson has a wonky back, but that wont keep him out of the Vikings home opener vs. the 49ers. Although this just reinforces Drew’s belief that Purple Jesus is going to break his back.
I wonder if that's on purpose?
Women’s Golf: Natalie Gulbis shot 8 strokes back of the leader at the CVS/pharmacy LPGA Open. The leader after one round is Sophie Gustafson who shot a round of -7. Do you care? No, and neither do I. I just wanted an excuse to post that picture.
College Football: The Southern Carolina Gamecocks played host to the Mississippi “Ole Miss” Rebels in a Nationally televised SEC matchup. The over/under was set at something like 53, and takers of the under were the big winners as SC beat Ole Miss 16-10. It was a decently entertaining game, a defensive battle that SC won. They ground down the clock, and made Jevan Snead look very much like Jamarcus Russell as he completed only 7-21 attempts for 107 yards. I enjoyed the game, but I was bored and work was slow.
The Morning After Pill is where we cover the previous day’s events in the sporting world. Certain teams or sports are left out because I don’t care about them.
NFL: Bostonites can ah err ah rejoice. Wes Welkah may play in this weekend’s Patriots game. Dallas Cowboys lineman Flozell Adams was fined $12,500 for tripping Justin Tuck. $12,500 is a lot to me, but for an NFL player it’s nothing. Is Herr Goodell softening? It seems just like yesterday he was tossing around real fines.
MLB: The Marlins beat the Phillies 7-6 on a late game collapse by Brad Lidge. The win brought the Marlins within 4.5 games of the NL wildcard spot. History has taught me that when the Marlins make the Playoffs they win the World Series, then sell everybody off for pennies on the dollar. So look out, Hanley Ramirez could become available for your favorite team, or the Yankees, next year. Walking ashtray and anger management issue, Bobby Cox, signed a one year extension with the Braves. It will be his 25th year as the Braves manager, and 21st in a row. It will also be his last.
NBA: Yao Ming is encouraged by how his foot is healing. But knowing that he’s like peanut brittle, he says that there’s no chance that he will return for the upcoming season. He wants to give himself the full year to recouperate.
NHL: Olaf “Olie the Goalie” Kolzig is retiring after 14 NHL seasons. He won the Vezina trophy as the leagues best goaltender and carried the Capitals to the Stanley Cup finals, where they lost to the Red Wings. Peter Forsberg just wont die already. He’s making another return to Hockey, but this time he will be playing for Modo in Sweeden. Jim Balsille in his ever desperate attempts to move the struggling Coyotes out of Phoenix and into Hamilton Onario, has amended his proposal. Under his new proposal, the team would play this year in Phoenix and lose it’s customary $30 million before moving to Canada for next year. Jeez Jimmy, you have almost as much skill with the NHL as I have with the ladies. Take a page from my book Jim, drink copious amounts of Scotch and start a website that makes fun of dumbasses in the sporting world.
College Football: ESPN is reporting a story that EDSBS covered three days ago, and that I linked to myself three days ago. So, ESPN is like me but three days behind the times. Suck it ESPN. Oh, you mean ESPN has more than 12 readers, well you win this round corporate giant. Jimmy Clausen is noted in Notre Dame for being a douche. Ask Logic, he’ll attest to that. Well I guess he’s just trying to live up to Brett Favre. He’s giving himself a pre-emptive excuse/out. He says that his Turf Toe could affect his play.
PGA: Even the fat cat world of golf is running into that whole economic downturn thing. PGA commissioner Tim Finchem, says that it’s unlikely the PGA will make it through the next season without losing some corporate sponsorships and therefore some tournaments. What that means to you is, instead of 104 players making a million dollars in the 2008 season, only say 87 will surpass a million in 2010 income. It’s a damn dirty shame when you think about it.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of what happened in sports yesterday. Certain sports and/or teams are left out due to lack of caring.
NFL: One of the best things about the NFL is how crazy the fans and coaches of teams get. Even though it’s two weeks into the season some fans are already contemplating suicide while others are laying down their life savings on their team winning the Super Bowl. We all knew Kansas wasn’t likely going to be a powerhouse this season, but it doesn’t mean that their fans/coaches aren’t awfully close to hitting the panic button. Matt Cassel and Brodie Croyle have both started exactly one game this season. Cassell has the big contract, while Croyle gets to go home with this lovely young lady. Croyle played against Baltimore and kept his team in there, throwing 2 TD’s in 24 attempts. Cassel kept his team in there against an actually tough Raider defense, throwing 1 TD in 39 pass attempts. Sure Cassel threw two picks, but he threw them to Michael Huff. Huff is now on pace for 24 interceptions this year, so based on these 2 week over-reactions why don’t we just give Huff the MVP and DPOY right now. Anyways, the point of this is, that though both QB’s have played one game a piece, there’s talk of benching Cassel. Call me a simple Sally if you will, but you can’t make that kind of decision after one game. Maybe Al Davis would, but Kansas is in fact not owned by the corpse of Al. It sounds like new Coach Todd Haley is going to be a little patient after all, but the fact that the idea exists is insane.
College Football: The Florida Gators have kept 6 players away from practice for having flu like symptoms. There’s no confirmed cases of swine flu, but they’re being extra careful as Urban Meyer believes it could ravage the team. As young healthy adults, Swine Flu poses no more of a health concern then does a scraping of the knee. The media needs to quit hyping it to preposterous levels, as that’s the only problem with it.
Incredibly accurate portrayal.
Maddox threw down the gauntlet, asking for somebody to give him Swine Flu, so that he could show that it indeed is no more harmful than the regular flu, or a stomach ache. Big News for USC fans. Matt Barkley and Taylor Mays could return as early as Saturday. Mays would be huge for the defense, but people are giving Barkley far too much credit at this point in time.
The Morning After Pill is The Gally Blog’s daily recap of the sporting world. Some sports and teams are left out due to a lack of me caring.
NFL: It was either a good game with a poor outcome, or shitty game with a great outcome depending on who you cheer for. The Dolphins ran for 241 yards and chewed up 45:07 in game time. That has all the markings of a great win. Except they didn’t. Even though Peyton Manning and the Colts only had the ball for 14:53, they managed to win 27-24. Peyton through for a ridiculous 13 yards per throw, and passed for 2 TD’s while Dallas Clark caught 7 balls for 182 yards and 1 TD. This years Colts look very similar to last year’s Colts in that they can neither run nor stop the run. It’s going to be a long season for any fellow Colts fans.
MLB: Angels pitcher Joe Saunders pitched into the ninth inning, giving up two earned runs on two home runs. Those were the only runs he gave up though, as the Angels defeated the Yankees 5-2. With a win, the Yankees would have clinched a playoff spot, but it was their second failure at this in a row. Pettite only gave up 3 runs, but his reliever and closer also gave up a run, which doesn’t bold well for the Yanks in the playoffs. The Twins whupped the White Sox 7-0 to move 2.5 games behind the Tigers for the AL Central. Whuppity do dog. It’s baseball. Minnesota fans should still slit their wrists.
NBA: Ron Artest is batshit fucking crazy. He also says that Laker fans can completely blame him if they don’t repeat as champions.
Everything else in sports sucked or wasn’t worth caring about, so no news on them today.
NFL: One of the best things about the NFL is how crazy the fans and coaches of teams get. Even though it’s two weeks into the season some fans are already contemplating suicide while others are laying down their life savings on their team winning the Super Bowl. We all knew Kansas wasn’t likely going to be a powerhouse this season, but it doesn’t mean that their fans/coaches aren’t awfully close to hitting the panic button. Matt Cassel and Brodie Croyle have both started exactly one game this season. Cassell has the big contract, while Croyle gets to go home with this lovely young lady. Croyle played against Baltimore and kept his team in there, throwing 2 TD’s in 24 attempts. Cassel kept his team in there against an actually tough Raider defense, throwing 1 TD in 39 pass attempts. Sure Cassel threw two picks, but he threw them to Michael Huff. Huff is now on pace for 24 interceptions this year, so based on these 2 week over-reactions why don’t we just give Huff the MVP and DPOY right now. Anyways, the point of this is, that though both QB’s have played one game a piece, there’s talk of 
