The Morning After Pill is where we review the previous day in the sporting world. Certain sports/teams are left out due to extreme lack of caring or hangovers
Headbanging coffee cup for a head guy? Headbanging coffee cup for a head guy. My day can begin…
College Football
Thursday Night brought us a conference college football match-up between Nebraska and Missouri Yawn. Sloppy field conditions and even sloppier play saw the ol Cornhuskers down 12-0 going into the 4th quarter. That is until Bo Pelini and company decided to quit fucking around and put up 27 points. Which is good news if you’re a Cornhusker fan, bad news if you (ie me) bet on Mizzou.
MLB
It’s almost that time of the year when baseball hibernates for the winter. Bows head Thank god. However, first we must make it through the playoffs. Last night saw 3 games take place, none of which I watched because I was too busy drinking looking for a cure to cancer…Yes cancer research. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. At least if my sponsor asks.
The Cardinals find themselves down 2 games to the Dodgers and Manny’s awesomely dirty looking dreads. Matt Holliday apparently had a costly error according to Twitter. I would have known firsthand if I had no life and watched baseball actually gave a shit.
Colorado tied up their series with the Phillies after a 5-4 victory. In other news makes wanking motion.
In boring playoff news the Angels brought out the rapesticks last night, shutting out the Red Sox 5-0. Normally I would be ecstatic, maybe even orgasmic after seeing Boston lose. However, I would prefer to enjoy the dismay of Boston fans after the Phillies and Yankees (suck it Logic!) are eliminated from the playoffs. Or in the case that the Phillies win the whole goddamn thing, a huge fucking meteor hits whatever stadium they’re in when they receive the championship trophy.
If the broken spirits of baseball fans could be served up as a meal my feast of dismay would look something like this:
Appetizer
Philly Cheese Steak
Main Course
New York Strip
Dessert
Boston Creme Pie
Kinda made myself hungry there. My Bloody Mary will have to wait…
The Morning After Pill is where we recount the previous days events in the sporting world. Certain teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring or hangovers.
NFL: The Monday Night Football game between the Minnesota Vikings and Green Bay Packers drew a record audience of 21.3 million viewers. It’s the largest cable audience ever, as well as being the highest rated show ever on ESPN. I guess he who shall not be named is still some kind of draw. Rush Limbaugh and Dave Checketts, owner of the St. Louis Blues, are apparently in negotiations to buy the Rams. It’s unclear if they want to buy 100% ownership or just the 60% that remains in the Frontiere family. Is Goodell becoming a big softie? Bawlmore Ravens Ed Reed and Ray Lewis won’t be fined by the league for comments made about the officiating. The Goodell of two years ago would have had them tied up in the town square and beaten with the cat-o-nine tails. The Giants expect Eli Manning to make his 83d consecutive start this weekend. He was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis, which is apparently painful as hell, but it’s nothing a little tape and maybe some Tussin can’t fix.
College Football: A source has said that FSU wont be asking Bobby Bowden to step down as coach at the end of the year. Yeah he’s a legend, and yeah he won National Titles but this is sports and what has he done lately. Nothing. So maybe it’s time to go eat pudding and break a hip having Viagra fueled sex at the old folks home. Texas freshman Safety, Kenny Vaccaro has an arrest warent out for him after getting in a fight at a pickup basketball game. It’s a shame really that he’s a freshman. It means that he’s going to have to wait two years to be drafted by the Bengals. Sam Bradford may play this weekend against Baylor. The funny thing is that he’s still holding out hope of winning a National Championship. It’s kind of cute that he’s so naive.
MLB: In what’s being called an instant classic, (more…)
The Morning After Pill is where we recount the previous days events in the sporting world. Certain sports/teams are left out due to extreme lack of caring or hangovers. Or potentially being held captive by the Escort’s bodyguard until our best friend shows up to pay for the hooker.
NFL: Things in Minnesota got a little sticky last night, as all of ESPN’s announcers were literally using their own spooge as lube to masterbate to Brett Favre playing against his former team, the Green Bay Packers. Think about that for a minute. It’s disgusting, and only the Japanese would watch something like that, and yet it happened. He who shall not be named, threw for around 268 yards(depending on your source) and three touch downs as the Vikings beat the Packers by a score of 30-23. Adrian Peterson was held mostly ineffective as he only gained 55 yards but had a TD. Aaron Rodgers threw for 382 yards an 2 TD’s, but it’s hard for your team to win when your QB spends as much time on his back as Jenna Jameson and Amy Reid combined. Jared Allen and his glorious mullet accounted for 4.5 of his teams 8 sacks of Rodgers. Last week Rodgers claimed that he needed less blockers for him to be successful, and now maybe next weeks game plan will be to have the Center being the only Lineman in front of him and everyone else on the field report as RB’s or eligible receivers. Michael Crabtree and his agent have reopened talks with the 49ers. His agent will be meeting with 49ers staff on Tuesday.
College Football: LSU fans are showing the class and dignity of Miami fans these days. The phone numbers of Urban Meyer and several prominent Gator players have somehow made their way into Louisiana, and the fans have been texting them and leaving messages. Not the I love you and want to have your baby messages, but not the I’m going to wear you as a suit type of messages either, so I guess the Gators are getting off lucky. Unless it’s some bizarre plan to lull Meyer into a false sense of security before actually wearing him as a suit. Juice Williams, who looked so good two years ago in leading Illinois to the Rose Bowl, has been benched after leading his team to a 1-3 start. Lane Kiffin is a take charge hold no prisoner bad ass. Receiver Brandon Warren, who had transfered from FSU, has been kicked off the team for having a heated argument with his receivers coach. Someone should invent a time machine and go back in time to when Jenna Jameson didn’t look like a duck. Then with her immense practice with catching and receiving, she would make a great receivers coach. And no player would argue with her, because they would think that if they just listened to her they might have a chance at getting some. (more…)
The Morning After Pill is where we review the previous day in the sporting world. Certain sports/teams are left out due to extreme lack of caring or hangovers
NFL: Mark Sanchise turned the ball over twice against the Saints yesterday. Well more than twice, but he turned over twice for TD’s as Gregg Williams may have in fact transformed the Saints D from a flaming pile of dog shit to a legitimate D. Peyton Manning brought his laser rocket arm out again today as he threw for 353 yards and two TD’s. He’s now tied with Fran Tarkenton for third place all time with 342 TD passes. The battle of Ohio turned out to be better than any one expected as Cincy beat the Browns 23-20 in overtime. Ochocinco had 2 TD’s and nobody but one of the retarded announcers didn’t know the OT rules. The 49ers absolutely crushed the Rams 35-0. San Fran’s D got three scores and put up an incredible 39 fantasy points, carrying fantasy teams to win worldwide.
MLB: For the second straight year the Twins are in a one game playoff to determine the winner of the AL Central. They crushed the royals 13-4 and the Tigers got 8 strong innings out of Verlander as they beat the White Sox 5-3. A-Rod proved again that he’s super clutch in the regular season as he hit 2 HR’s and 7 RBI in the sixth inning alone as the Yanks beat the Rays 10-2. Nutty, but don’t worry non-Yanks fans, he’ll likely dissapear in the post season like he always does. Maybe this year instead of hooking up with Madonna or manly women he can find himself a good old fashioned Thai lady-boy. In Ken Griffey Jr’s potential final game, King Felix dominated as the M’s beat the Rangers by a score of 4-3. Griffey started his career in Seattle, and when he left for the Reds his career was never the same as it was derailed by injuries. He is the active career leader in hits and home runs. (more…)
The Morning After Pill is a recap of yesterdays sporting events. Some sports and teams are left out due to our lack of caring.
Sports? What sports?
College Football
Pretty weak offering of college football last night. Colorado versus West Virginia? Wow awesome. I was so overwhelmed last night by that match-up that I had to drink half a bottle of whiskey just to fall asleep. West Virginia won 35-24.
In other college action that you probably care nothing about, unless you happened to wager on it, was Southern Miss at UAB. UAB was victorious 30-17.
Everyone’s favorite shit starting, sucker punching RB, LeGarrette Blount, may be reinstated. Or at least that’s what a sourceis saying. I totally think the NCAA should let this guy play. Blount has Bengals draft pick written all over him and I’d hate to see him miss out on that opportunity just because he punched some guy in the face. This doesn’t just need to happen. It has to happen. He could be the Starsky to the Bengals Hutch. The Yin to their Yang. Chris Henry could be this guy’s mentor. Talk about a Bro-mance.
Baseball
Hmmm baseball. Really? Well I guess I might as well mention it once before the playoffs. Expect me to refrain from uttering another word about baseball until either the Yankees, Red Sox, or Phillies get knocked out of the playoffs.
Detroit failed to lock down the AL Central yesterday as they lost to the Twins 8-3. The Tigers magic number is 2 and I could really care less. Best case scenario involves the Twins looking like they’ll clinch the Central, only to lose it at the very end. Bertstreet would be so pissed and I would be thoroughly amused.
Hockey
The 2009 NHL season kicked off. Yeah that’s all I got. If you’re so inclined to know the results of last night’s hockey match-ups check out Melt Your Face Off.
The Morning After Pill is where we recount the previous days big sporting news and events. Certain sports and teams are left our due to a lack of caring about them. Todays edition is brought to you by apathy, or to be more precise its brought to you by the fact that I have somewhere to be right now and don’t have the time to put up a proper post. So I present roundups done by other blogs in its place.
Fanbase on Suicide Watch: Minnesota got crushed last night by the Tigers. Even with Mauer blatently stealing signs. Now the Twins pretty much have to win out to have a chance of making the playoffs. Get those pill bottles and alcohol ready Minnesotans.
The Morning After Pill is a recap of yesterdays sporting events. Some sports and teams are left out due to my lack of caring.
NFL: No news is bad news right? Well it’s something like that. The Colts are still awaiting the results of a MRI on Dwight Freeney. He injured his quad in the third quarter of the game against Arizona, and as of now, nobody knows how severe it is. He did walk off the field on his own, but if he’s out for an extended period of time the Colts have no defense. Just after having a breakout week, Frank Gore is out for three weeks with a high ankle sprain. Fantasy owners everywhere are both rejoicing and slitting their wrists, depending on whether they owned him or not. Chad Pennington re-injured his shoulder and is likely out for the season. He’s getting a second opinion from Dr. James Andrews, surgeon to the stars, but in all likelihood he’s done for the season and for his career as a starter.
College Football: USC Senior RB Stafon Johnson is out for the season. He was lifting weights when the bar slipped out of his right hand and fell on his neck, crushing his larynx and neck. He was taken to the hospital for emergency surgery, and is in critical but stable condition. He’s expected to make a full recovery. Tim Tebow is expected to play this Saturday against LSU after sustaining a concussion.
MLB: The Angels defeated the Rangers 11-0 last night to claim their 5th division title in 6 years. They dedicated it in memory to Nick Adenhart, the 22 year old Angel who died earlier this year. The showdown between the Twins and the Tigers was postponed due to rain. Funny, I didn’t know baseball players were made of sugar. In the matchup between the Jays and Red Sox, the Sox were supposed to start Josh Beckett. They scratched him, and his replacement got rocked as the Jays won 11-5. I’m so glad I didn’t bet on that game.
NBA: Kevin Garnett is nearly fully recovered from offseason surgery. He’s participating in scrimmages and is ready for camp to kick off.
NHL: Theoren Fleury, who after an impressive preseason where he scored four points in four games, was cut by the Flames. But that’s old news you say, yeah well so’s your mother. The real news here, is that he’s officially retiring with the team he came in with, the Calgary Flames.
Soccer: Carlos Tevez scored two goals for Manchester City, as they beat his old team West Ham by a score of 3-1. The win was Cities 5th in their first 6 games, which is their best start since 1961.
Gratuitous Semi Naked Female Athlete?:
Beach Volleyball is so totally a sport. Even when done by a castmember of The Hills.
The Morning After Pill is where we recap the previous days events in the sporting world. Certain teams and sports are left out due to me not caring about them.
NFL: This is going to be brief due to me doing a more comprehensive NFL recap later. Washington bails out Detroit. Again. See what I did there? I took something topical and made a lame joke out of it. Actually Sports Pickle beat me to that joke, and we have a $1 Trillion Twitter dollar bet on whether Jay Leno uses that joke in his monologue tonight. I have a feeling I may move $1 Trillion into debt tonight. Oh and the Lions beat the Redskins. Peyton Manning must have taken umbrage with being an underdog to Arizona in Sunday Night Football. He went out there and layed a whuppin on the Cardinals last night. Well him and his Defensive line. Queue up the Manning for MVP articles.
College Football: Jesus 2.0(White) is back home and recovering from the concussion that was bestowed upon him by the heathen Kentucky team. For the six of you that haven’t seen the hit that did id yet, here ya go. Baylor Quarterback, Robert Griffin, will miss the remainder of the season with a knee injury.
MLB: I think Peter Griffin said it best when he said, “Yankees Suck.” But they are sadly one of the most popular teams in the world, and masterbatory fuel for Logic, so they’ll continue to get some coverage here. The Yankees clinched their division for the first time since ’06. Oh noes, woe is me Yankee fans. Has it really been three years? Try being a Royals or some other downtrodden franchises fan. The ever dreamy amazing phenom Zach Greinke was at it again. He added to his Cy Young and MVP applications by defeating the Twins, in a game the Royals won 4-1. The White Sox beat the Tigers 8-4 to keep the Twins hopes alive, even though they also lost on the day.
The Morning After Pill is where we recap the previous days events. Some sports and teams are left out due to lack of caring.
NHL: Quite possibly the most important man ever involved with the sport of Hockey, Wayne Gretzky, stepped down as coach of the Phoenix Coyotes. Gretzky was a partial owner of the team, and as part of his income with the team his salary was $8.5 million a year. Yeah, he made College Football coaches look like poor schmucks. But the team is in Bankruptcy court in a dirty fight for control of the team. He realized that he wouldn’t be sticking around with either ownership group, so he decided to step down so the team would maintain some sort of structure. Peter Forsberg scored a goal in his comeback game with Modo. As expected he was rusty, so I guess we should take him out back and give him the Old Yeller treatment.
NFL: Donovan MacNabb is still nursing a broken rib and is unlikely to play this weekend. In related but not tied together news, Mike Vick will make his return to the NFL this week. As I’ve always said, the world just doesn’t give rich people enough chances. Adrian Peterson has a wonky back, but that wont keep him out of the Vikings home opener vs. the 49ers. Although this just reinforces Drew’s belief that Purple Jesus is going to break his back.
I wonder if that's on purpose?
Women’s Golf: Natalie Gulbis shot 8 strokes back of the leader at the CVS/pharmacy LPGA Open. The leader after one round is Sophie Gustafson who shot a round of -7. Do you care? No, and neither do I. I just wanted an excuse to post that picture.
College Football: The Southern Carolina Gamecocks played host to the Mississippi “Ole Miss” Rebels in a Nationally televised SEC matchup. The over/under was set at something like 53, and takers of the under were the big winners as SC beat Ole Miss 16-10. It was a decently entertaining game, a defensive battle that SC won. They ground down the clock, and made Jevan Snead look very much like Jamarcus Russell as he completed only 7-21 attempts for 107 yards. I enjoyed the game, but I was bored and work was slow.
The Morning After Pill is where we cover the previous day’s events in the sporting world. Certain teams or sports are left out because I don’t care about them.
NFL: Bostonites can ah err ah rejoice. Wes Welkah may play in this weekend’s Patriots game. Dallas Cowboys lineman Flozell Adams was fined $12,500 for tripping Justin Tuck. $12,500 is a lot to me, but for an NFL player it’s nothing. Is Herr Goodell softening? It seems just like yesterday he was tossing around real fines.
MLB: The Marlins beat the Phillies 7-6 on a late game collapse by Brad Lidge. The win brought the Marlins within 4.5 games of the NL wildcard spot. History has taught me that when the Marlins make the Playoffs they win the World Series, then sell everybody off for pennies on the dollar. So look out, Hanley Ramirez could become available for your favorite team, or the Yankees, next year. Walking ashtray and anger management issue, Bobby Cox, signed a one year extension with the Braves. It will be his 25th year as the Braves manager, and 21st in a row. It will also be his last.
NBA: Yao Ming is encouraged by how his foot is healing. But knowing that he’s like peanut brittle, he says that there’s no chance that he will return for the upcoming season. He wants to give himself the full year to recouperate.
NHL: Olaf “Olie the Goalie” Kolzig is retiring after 14 NHL seasons. He won the Vezina trophy as the leagues best goaltender and carried the Capitals to the Stanley Cup finals, where they lost to the Red Wings. Peter Forsberg just wont die already. He’s making another return to Hockey, but this time he will be playing for Modo in Sweeden. Jim Balsille in his ever desperate attempts to move the struggling Coyotes out of Phoenix and into Hamilton Onario, has amended his proposal. Under his new proposal, the team would play this year in Phoenix and lose it’s customary $30 million before moving to Canada for next year. Jeez Jimmy, you have almost as much skill with the NHL as I have with the ladies. Take a page from my book Jim, drink copious amounts of Scotch and start a website that makes fun of dumbasses in the sporting world.
College Football: ESPN is reporting a story that EDSBS covered three days ago, and that I linked to myself three days ago. So, ESPN is like me but three days behind the times. Suck it ESPN. Oh, you mean ESPN has more than 12 readers, well you win this round corporate giant. Jimmy Clausen is noted in Notre Dame for being a douche. Ask Logic, he’ll attest to that. Well I guess he’s just trying to live up to Brett Favre. He’s giving himself a pre-emptive excuse/out. He says that his Turf Toe could affect his play.
PGA: Even the fat cat world of golf is running into that whole economic downturn thing. PGA commissioner Tim Finchem, says that it’s unlikely the PGA will make it through the next season without losing some corporate sponsorships and therefore some tournaments. What that means to you is, instead of 104 players making a million dollars in the 2008 season, only say 87 will surpass a million in 2010 income. It’s a damn dirty shame when you think about it.
