Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday September 17th 2011

‘News’ Archive

Video of Erin Andrews’ Reebok Zigtech Photo Shoot- People Still Care About Her, Right?

Wait, the contract didn’t say anything about a muddy gangbang.

Erin Andrews is going to be a spokesperson for Reebok Zigtech just like Chad OchoCinco and Peyton Manning. Good for her. Remember when she was the “it” girl online? I seem to recall the nickname Erin “Pageviews.” I guess we all got tired of her after the peeping Tom video. As a collective blog culture we said, “Well, that orgasm was fun.” Then after the monstrous sexing we gave her in our minds we slipped out the door once she had fallen asleep. Maybe some people felt bad for objectifying her after someone actually acted on their lust for Andrews, but those are the kind of people who aren’t elbow-deep in the kind of pussy I am. Your mom’s vagina has really gaped over the years. Here’s the video that may stir your Erin Andrews boner just one last time. Wait, am I the only one who finds girls’ workout clothes extremely arousing? I hope not.

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Logic is interviewed on the NFL Season

Please. No press. Real bloggers don't post pictures of themselves..

Host: Welcome! Welcome one and all. We haven’t had an interview with our pseudo-celebrity guest, Logic…(sigh) in a while so let’s have at it, I guess?

Logic: (rips line of oxycontin, turns to host) Well, hello beautiful. Let’s get this show on the road. What am I fielding questions about? Your mother and her rounds at the adult shop glory holes? She doesn’t think we can see her…but we can. (pulls out Four Loko)

Host: God dammit, behave yourself. Put the coffee beer away, will ya? Now let’s see if we can get some questions for you on the NFL season thus far. (to media) Okay, so any questions involving the 2010 season, Logic will answer. Don’t forget to razz the old bean on being a Giants fan! HURRR

Logic: (pushes host’s face, points to interviewer)

Interviewer 1: Who do you feel is the strongest candidate for the MVP this season? Tom Brady?

(more…)

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What Inspired the Internet’s Unfunny Jokes Today: The Collapse of the Mall of America Roof (Video)

The NFL world woke up to amazing video of the roof of the Metrodome Mall of America Field collapsing under the weight of heavy snowfall. The video really is something worth watching so you should watch it below. Thank goodness this collapse happened when no one was in the stadium.

Unfortunately the collapse led to a avalanche of jokes on twitter many of which were not that funny. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood today, but I was as unimpressed by the “God extending Favre’s consecutive games started streak by giving him another day to heal” as I am by people’s constant Cam Newton jokes. People just aren’t as funny as they think they are. Running stuff into the ground is funny. I enjoy running jokes into the ground, but people take stuff way too seriously and then mask riding their moral high horse by making a joke. I can sense people’s venom. Why so serious, people. If anything Brett Favre having an extra day to get right would be evidence of there being no god the way everyone seems to hate him nowadays. I don’t know. I’ve got sand in my vagina today. Nothing’s very funny to me right now. O wait, you’ve got one about the NFL making the roof collapse because they wanted Favre’s streak to continue? I’ve got a rubber chicken to shove up your ass. Wow, I did not realize how bad of a mood I was in until I wrote this post. I need to chill out and have a beer. Out.

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Cortland Finnegan Is a Cross Between Satan, Jay Leno, and Justin Bieber

One of the biggest stories from the NFL weekend was the fight between Tennessee Titans cornerback Cortland Finnegan and Houston Texans wide receiver Andre Johnson. I can objectively say it was one of the best NFL fights in recent memory, and the camera didn’t cut away like it normally does and get a shot of an assistant coach picking his nose on the sideline instead of showing us the throwdown. Check it out below:

Andre Johnson wins the matchup by unanimous decision. Both Johnson and Finnegan have subsequently been fined $25,000 by the league. Many think the league should have fined Finnegan more or even suspended him since he has been fined repeatedly for aggressive play this season. Others have said Johnson should have been fined more or suspended because he actually threw and landed punches during the fight. The league had their reasons to hand down the punishment they did and can not be questioned because the commissioner’s office has shown they reign over the NFL with an iron fist and can change whatever they want during the season to the point where they changed being able to change rules during the season. The National Football League has said publicly before they wouldn’t do that. That changed when they decided they wanted to do it this year.
The problem I see with the situation is not necessarily the fines, but the bull shit moralizing that has been thrown Finnegan’s and the Titans’ way. This season is not the first in which the Tennessee Titans have been called dirty. The chatter has been more frequent and intense this year with everyone from Kyle Orton to Rodney Harrison crying pussy tears about the mean old Titans. I’m telling the media on you. Wah.
Yes, the Titans bait people into committing penalties out of frustration (i.e. the New York Giants game this season) to gain an edge. If that’s dirty then every NFL team is dirty and not just this season. Baiting teams psychologically to gain an edge is something that exists in sport, but just because the Titans are the freaking best at it people want throw up their arms and flail around, cry, and run to tug on daddy’s pant leg. Buck the fuck up you blithering babies. But the players and teams aren’t even who anger me the most. The media and people who think they are media online who are so ready to jump on people and float any opinion or theory they fart out of their ass are the ones who fill me with rage. I don’t mind jokes or people raising questions about the play in a reasonable manner, but I saw a few people who wanted to make it some sort of moral issue. Check yourselves, idiots. One person even called Cortland Finnegan a “soulless prick” and “just the kind of guy Jeff Fisher would like to coach.” That’s a bit over doing it in your attempt to make your bold statement that you feel will resonate authoritatively throughout the interwebz, douche juice. Many people said things along the line of Finnegan “got what he deserved.” I’ve got news for everyone. The golden thrones you sit upon from which you dole out your righteous internet justice are made of pee-soaked urinal cakes.
The person who drew most of my rage Sunday evening was Rodney Harrison. On Football Night in America he took another opportunity to pile on the Titans much like he did during his playing days. He’s called Tennessee dirty more than a few times now and frankly I am getting sick of him not knowing what the definition of the word hypocrite is. I saw many Patriot games when Harrison was playing and always marveled at how many times he dove into piles after the whistle helmet-first. He was one of the dirtiest players in the league during his playing days, but somehow he has forgotten this. The reason he always picks on the Titans is because that was the team he was playing against in the game where his MCL, PCL, and ACL were destroyed. He feels indignant toward the Titans and has held onto it for years feeling he was wronged. What he doesn’t remember is he made his own dirty plays during that game doing his usual diving into piles and even hitting the quarterback late and high in the game. Does anyone know if he had any concussions during his playing days? Is that contributing to his memory loss?
Parting thought: for those who think the Titans are dirty you are the fans for whom Roger Goodell is turning the NFL into a pussy league.

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Tennessee Titans Defensive Coordinator Chuck Cecil Flips Off Officials During Game [UPDATE]

During Sunday’s Denver Broncos @ Tennessee Titans NFL game Titans’ Defensive Coordinator Chuck Cecil was upset at a few of the officials’ calls in the first half. Instead of expressing himself verbally as is usually the case when coaches disagree with the referees he chose a visual display.

It’s a little too late for this advice, but use your words, Chuck. This will not sit well with the National Football League. I’m sure Roger Goodell is already cranking the handle on his old-timey calculator and squinting at the figures under a clear green visor. It will also not sit well with aware Titans’ fans who have seen Chuck Cecil’s defensive scheme give up every pass under eight yards the past two seasons. Seriously, it’s like Cecil has an eight yard blind spot. He may have been a great, hard-hitting defensive back in his playing days, but he has a lot of room to improve as a defensive coach.

Hat tip to Gunaxin for the screen shot.

Update: I think we all knew Chuck Cecil was going to get fined and according to Pro Football Talk the NFL levied a fine of $40,000 on Cecil, which is much less then some of us assumed.

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Ines Sainz: Another Girl Who Wants Attention- The Ultimate Photo Gallery




I would contend that a pair of pants has never fit better on a booty. Ever.




One thing I think we can all agree on is Ines Sainz is sexy. And I have the Ines Sainz hot sexy booty pics to prove it. If you do not know who Ines Sainz is then crawl out from that bonerless rock you’ve been under and get a load of this. (she’s no Miss Campo, though.)




Padow!




Ines Sainz (twitter) is the reporter at the epicenter of the latest controversy surrounding the New York Jets. She was at the Jets’ facility last Saturday (on Sept. 11th of all days!) in the Jets’ locker room as a credentialed reporter to interview Mark Sanchez when something or other happened that in some way could be construed as harassment or cat-calling or less than savory behavior. This whole situation is being blown way out of proportion. The reason I’m not going to take the pussy women’s liberation stance is because I actually watched her talk about the whole situation in an interview on Fox News thanks to this Youtube video. and can see this for what it really is. Check out this video, and you will see what I mean.

Allow me to clear up some confusion by sharing insight from that video. (Hat tip to HuggingHaroldReynolds where I first saw the video.) In the above video she explains the tweet that largely contributed to the explosion of this story. She tweeted she was “dying of embarrassment.” Here’s where this story is getting lost in translation for many people. She was not dying of embarrassment because of anything the players did. She was embarrassed because of how big a deal either other reporters or Jets management made of what the players did or said. I’m not sure which because she can’t speak-a-da-Anglish too goods. The bottom line is now that the media firestorm machine has cranked up to 11 she’s not going to douse the story. NO DIFFUSER IS SHE! . She sees her opportunity, and she plans to maximize it. She’s not going for Larry Flynt-level offers. She wants Dancing with the Stars-level offers. The interview where the FoxNews reporter could not stop staring at her open blouse was very telling. Two things in particular stood out. But first, it’s been too long without a picture.

That is a superb rack.

The first thing that stood in that video is what I will call a difference of cultures. Part of the allegations of people who are defending the Jets in a sort of “she was asking for it/ date rape” sort of argument is that she was dressed too provocatively. Ok, even the person interviewing her can’t quit staring at her boobs because her awesome rack is being shown through a gaping button-down shirt. She doesn’t get it. Have you seen Mexican television? Women being objectified is par for the course. Even after the initial hullabaloo this incident has caused she is not dressing any differently. In her mind she is already taken seriously or is taken as seriously as she thinks she ever will be. The second thing I noticed from the video is she is loving the attention in an almost sinister way. Watch the video again. Pay special attention to 2:58- 3:08. The look she gives at 3:05-3:06 is probably her “OOOhhhh face.” You like for men to pay you attention, honey? You want me to tell you your pretty and everyone pays attention to you? You want to give me a little twirl? Yeh, show me what a good reporter you are. Talk into this mike and give me the story. Yeh, you’re good at giving me that story. I’ve been watching a lot of porn lately just like the Jets’ players or any other testosterone-filled male.

She didn’t go to journalism school, but damn she works on that body. Which one is better, honestly? I’m tired of these pussy guys coming out saying how outraged they are at that a woman was catcalled. Get off of your soap box and go look at some more porn because with these statements “defending the honor” of women I know you’re not getting laid. Women don’t want a chivalrous crusader. They want to be run. Do you not pay attention to the bang bus pornography videos you watch? I keeps my woman barefoot and making me mexican food. Or italian food. I might be in the mood for some homemade meatballs tonight. Every once in a while I let her have the sexuals, but I don’t let her finish. Gots to keep ‘em wantin’ more!

I would eat Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies off of that butt. Let’s discuss the athlete locker room for a moment. I am of the opinion no one besides players, coaches, and other staff should be in a locker room at any level, male reporters included. There have long been rumors of Peter King picking out packages he likes in the various locker rooms he visits. Are female reporters allowed in college locker rooms? High school? Middle school? How about we let them in elementary school physical education locker rooms to get the inside story on how little Timmy is able to get so many people out by catching dodgeballs thrown his way. How about men in those same locker rooms? How about you just let me in a WNBA locker room? RAWR!

Don’t get me started on Clinton Portis’ comments regarding female reporter’s in the locker room. The man Robert Littal over at BlackSportsOnline has a good story detailing Portis’ statements and subsequent lightning-fast apology. Portis basically said that of the 53 potential penises a female reporter sees in a locker room she is just bound to fall for one. Now he is taking the fall along with the Jets as a poster boy of misogyny in professional sports. That’s not sexism, though. That’s freaking math. Has no one seen The Bachelorette? Portis can’t help he got a first class education from the University of Miami. It is simple statistics. In a room of males at prime breeding age a female is highly likely to find one or more acceptable candidates for reproduction. I’m sad that Clinton was made to apologize for math. What is this society coming to?

This is the picture (above) Ines Sainz tweeted as an example of what she was wearing. I’m not sure. I could use more leg.

Or midriff!

The number of self-righteous sports “journalists” weighing in on this situation is beginning to make me nauseous. When can we expect to hear a respected sports media member like Jay Mariotti weigh in on this issue. But seriously, this lady has a twitter background that screams, I AM TO BE RESPECTED AS A JOURNALIST!” I downloaded it so you can see for yourselves.

The New York Jets organization is in full spin and PR mode now that this has gotten some attention, but I haven’t heard much from the NFL itself. You know why that is? Because the process of harassment was not completed. Get it? Like the controversial Calvin Johnson non-catch against the Bears last weekend? Do I have to spell everything out for you?

I personally think Ines Sainz is an inspiration. Her story proves that if one chases fame and whores yourself out (metaphorically, I mean) enough that your dream of 15 minutes of fame can one day be realized. She’s been showing up to Super Bowl media days since at least 2007 to drum up attention and not really cover the game. She’s waited so long and now her dream of fleeting fame with no discernible talent other than looking sexy as hell has come true. Here she is at the Colts- Bears Super Bowl from 2007 getting more information than the players really wanted to give about the offensive blocking schemes.

In conclusion Ines Sainz has not lived up to the lofty journalistic standards of those who came before her like Erin Andrews. Maybe the two of them need to get together over some hot tea and just hug it out. They feel each other’s pain just like they are feeling each other’s trim backs as they embrace. As they slowly rub each other reassuringly they can each tell that the other works out regularly. Andrew’s mind drift to images of Ines on a rubber workout ball, just bouncing… When she awakes from her daydream she realizes their lips have already connected and Ines has oiled up the strap-on…

You should also check out SportsbyBrooks‘ and Deadspin’s take on this issue because this was just me being a confusing jerk.

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Who Should Be NFLPA President After Mawae Retires? 2 Candidates That Would Be Great

 



I work these ropes like I'll work the league



Current NFL Players Association President and longtime badass offensive lineman Kevin Mawae announced his retirement from the NFL last week. Besides a great player retiring from the NFL (and my favorite team,) Mawae’s retirement has other implications. There was a question as to whether Mawae would be able to serve out his term (which goes through March 2012) as president of the NFLPA. Thankfully Mike Florio of Profootballtalk.com did all of the newsy journalistic stuff for me so I can continue to be a worthless asshole and contribute nothing of real value to anything ever. What a relief. In that post, Florio confirms Mawae will continue in his current capacity until March 2010 and alludes to a strong possibility Dominique Foxworth is in line to be the next NFLPA President. Forget all of that noise. That’s boring. Mawae will lead the NFLPA through the duration of labor negotiations and after that I think it will be time for some celebrating. The players will need someone with swagger and charisma to lead them. I have two great ideas for good candidates.

Chad OchoCinco would be a great candidate for NFLPA President. A new age of transparency in the NFLPA would be ushered in. “Kiss Da Baby in 2012, Vote for Ocho.” There’s so many places to go with Chad if he we running for NFLPA.

Jared Allen, the sophisticated country gentleman running the player’s association. He would have to regrow the mullet if he wanted to seriously contend for the office, and that would be the first thing I would advise him to do. After the mullet everything else should fall into place.

So OchoCinco and Jared Allen, get started on your campaign strategies to get your fellow NFLPA members to elect you their president. Neither of you are even on the NFLPA executive committee currently so you both have an uphill battle.

Anyone else you can think of that would be a good candidate? Let me know in the comments.

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Brett Favre Update: He’s Coming Back

I’d rather be working my land… /hand wank motion

During the Pro Football Hall of Fame induction ceremony and speeches on Saturday night the NFL Network broadcast managed to tastelessly work in what has been dubbed a “Favre-watch update.” Rich Eisen introduced the short segment with a splash screen and the horn sound played at Vikings’ games. Rich approaches each Favre-watch update with his tongue appropriately in his cheek. I think Eisen has found the perfect balance on covering Favre. He knows he has to talk about every turn of Favre’s waffling, but he also realizes what a circus it is. Props to Mr. Eisen for finding a good balance. I have enjoyed Rich on NFL Network much more than I ever did on Sportscenter.

On to the actual “news” if you can call it that. The “source” for the update on Favre was Steve Mariucci who received a text message or two from Favre earlier in the day. I  can’t stand name-droppers. I put “source” in quotes since Mariucci is just another pawn on Brett Favre’s chessboard, and he only gets fed information that the ol’ dong picture-slinger wants to get out to the media. O, now’s a perfect time to look at the tasty broad to which Favre allegedly texted pictures of his dick. Yeh, I said tasty broad.

Jenn Sterger hot sexy tits other search keywords ha cha cha

Someone needs to tell her to speak up on her show on Versus, The Daily Line. She was low-talking during the whole show that I saw. The only reason I watched was because the illustrious Drew Magary was on the show via web cam that doubles as a Chatroulette masturbation tool in the evenings. I have to say I was a little disappointed in Drew’s performance considering he is the best blogger drawing breath. He was still good, just not as hilarious as I had hoped. Maybe they didn’t give him enough time to prepare. O wait, I’m doing a Favre-watch update. I got a little rabbit-trailed there

The text Mariucci received from Favre said that “his arm feels great.” We can infer from that Favre’s arm feels great. Also in the text Favre said that his “conditioning is good, but he can’t run without pain in his ankle.” Brett also revealed he’s “trying to come back.” Well, no crap. I think we have all been operating under that assumption. I know that we here at The Gally Blog have been. He’s coming back after the third preseason game, people. We’ve known this all along. Favre has another appointment with Dr. James Andrews next week. How rich must that guy be with every athlete going to see him for their every orthopedic need?

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Two-Time Super Bowl Winner Nearing Retirement Skeptical Question Mark?


Remember the speculation that Bill Parcells was going to retire last year and collect the rest of his $12 million contract without having to work the remaining years on his deal with the Dolphins after the team was sold to now owner Stephen Ross due to a clause in Parcells’ deal allowing him to do so if the team was sold? If not click here or here. The rumors of his retirement were discussed so much that it led me to believe Coach Parcells was at least seriously considering retiring again. But as those two stories pointed out (in September and January of 2009 respectively), he eventually said he was going to stay and is still with the team now going into what I predict will be a good season for the Dolphins (whatever that’s worth)

The rumors of Bill Parcells retiring (for good this time, I think) may heat up again after this NFL upcoming season, though. I have been given information from what I consider to be a credible source about the two-time Super Bowl winning coach and current Miami Dolphins Executive Vice President of Football Operations Bill Parcells which leads me to believe he is mulling retirement again. It may not seem like much at face value, but bear with me a minute. (more…)

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UPDATE: Confirmed: Keith Bulluck Appears to Have Signed with the New York Giants

NFL free agent and long-time Tennessee Titan Keith Bulluck is rumored to have signed with the New York Giants. First report of Bulluck’s signing came via twitter user BobbyBroad. He seems justifiably proud of his breaking of the story because he has tweeted anyone and everyone he can think of the news including Adam Schefter, Chris Mortensen, and Warren Sapp. As someone who follows Bulluck on twitter I’m fairly certain I have seen Bulluck retweet more than a few of BobbyBroad’s tweets (in looking at Bulluck’s twitter page I see he has replied to BobbyBroad some as well) so this report could have some validity since there is a chance Bobby may know Bulluck in real life. The focus this offseason for Bulluck has been first on rehabbing from ACL surgery and then finding a new team since his contract with the Titans ended after last season.

Bulluck was the first round pick of the Titans in the 2000 NFL draft at 30th overall. He played college football at the University of Syracuse so (as BobbyBroad points out) this would a homecoming of sorts for Bulluck if these unconfirmed tweets turn out to be true. This would be sad news for Titans fans since he has been a fan favorite in Nashville for many years. The move would add some nice veteran depth for the Giants.

Will update as the story develops…

UPDATE:
The story has been confirmed by multiple sources. Keith Bulluck is now a New York Giant. And Titan fans will quietly sob into their pillows this evening. Bulluck’s deal is for 1 year and up to $2.5 million. All indications from the report on Bulluck’s workout for the Giants is he looked to be in very good shape considering he is coming off of ACL surgery. And early rumors point to Bulluck moving from outside linebacker to middle linebacker for the Giants. I scooped some people today. Too bad I don’t know the first damn thing about confirming a story.

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