Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday May 21st 2011

‘NFL Wrapup’ Archive

Who Has the Balls to Give NFL Draft Grades? Vampire Kiper and I Do


The NFL draft this year was great. I think the three-day format worked, and I heard the ESPN coverage of the first round got a 5.5 share on Thursday night. That’s television-speak for a lot of people watched it. Profootballtalk.com has a report that at least 45.4 million people watched at least a minute of draft coverage. I watched the NFL Network for the whole draft because I value my sanity, and I’m not sure if many people realize it yet, but a new NFL Network star was born on Saturday. Corey Chavous, of the hilariously named Draft Nasty and former NFL player, filled in when Mike Mayock lost his voice on the final day of the draft. Chavous did a good job, and he had knowledge of the picks made way down in the 7th round when it becomes noticeable how quiet the other analysts get from a lack of knowledge. That’s when you hear people at the desk begin to bloviate about teams’ overall drafts, but don’t get too specific because “it’s too early to tell.”

It is not, however, too early to begin laughing at the Broncos for drafting Tim Tebow. God must have come to Coach McDaniels (or should we go ahead and start calling him former head coach) the night before the draft in a vision and told the coach to draft Tebow. That is the only logical scenario I can come up with as to how Tebow got drafted before the third round. I’ve heard of reach picks, but that one was too high for Manute Bol to reach.

The draft always feels like the payoff, the oasis in the desert of the offseason, and my favorite part of the Madden video games is always offseason mode. I always take my time and savor the moments instead of skipping through to rush to the preseason- barf. One thing troubling about the draft this year is now that the draft is over, analysts and prognosticators are shy about giving draft grades. Peter King says he won’t do draft grades. What’s wrong Peter King? Brett Favre made fun of you for doing draft grades one time, and it hurt your feelings? Adam Schefter, grow a pair and grade the draft. Colin Cowherd won’t grade a team’s draft. He will only grade a teams entire offseason and the first and maybe second round pick in the draft. I thought you had some conviction, Colin.

What these other sports journalists and commentators lack, Mel Kiper Jr. has in spades, balls. He doesn’t cut and run from his scouting. He gives grades no matter how far his beloved Jimmy Clausen slid down the draft board. Kiper realizes the teams aren’t going to grade themselves and need someone from the outside keeping them accountable for when they screw up by not listening to him. Kiper giving grades has inspired me to also let my nuts hang out and hand out some grades, no analysis, though. Grades only! You don’t like it? Well, sir, these colors don’t run. Watch out because Vampire Kiper has my back as I see if my nuts hang to the floor.

Keep in mind this list is very subjective. That does not make it in any way less ballsy.
Arizona Cardinals: C+
Atlanta Falcons: B+
Baltimore Ravens: A-
Buffalo Bills: Participant
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Tiger had Way too Much Time on His Hands.

This creeps me out

WWTDD or With Leather both have complete lists of all the sexy texties that Tiger Woods sent “The Queen of DP”, Joslyn James. It gets pretty graphic. I’ve sexted thousands of times in my life but never about golden showers, biting, face smacking, ass to mouth, etc.

I just need to know one thing from all of this…he was hitting close to 11 women on the reg, plus his family, his endorsements, golf career, appearances and probably other stuff that I am not aware of. My question is, how the fuck did he have time for all of this? I work 8am-4pm, plus my hour commute, an hour in the gym, I have 1 girlfriend and I write for 1 blog and I act like I am the most stressed out person in the entire world. Do celebrities get 27 hour days?  And he looks so young! I don’t get it. Maybe peeing on women is the new fountain of youth?

Whatever. Here’s a gratuitous picture of Elin:

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NFL Halfway Wrapup and Awards

The NFL season is now half over. Some things have changed since the quarter season wrapup, while others have remained the same. Last time I got torn a new asshole for making my picks, and this time I expect much the same.

AFC North: The Bengals still remain atop this division and are 4-0 in the division and have beat the once mighty Ravens twice already. The Steelers have picked up their game though. They have won five straight games and are behind Cincy on tiebreakers only. Baltimore is 4-4 and unless they pull up their socks and win out, are likely staying home in January this year.

AFC South: At the begining of the year I said the Colts would fight through the turmoil of coching changes to finish 13-3. Right now they are 8-0 and have a schedule in front of them that could allow them to reach that goal. Tennessee has gone back to Vince Young, and have won their last two games. Jacksonville and Houston are two of the NFL poster children for inconsistency. Houston is tied for second in the league with 26 TD’s and yet sits at a measly 5-4, while Jacksonville is capable of blowing people out or being blown out.

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The NFL Quarter Season Wrap-Up

The NFL season is now roughly one-quarter over. It’s a little hard to define, as the regular season is 17 weeks long. For those of you that failed math, 17 divided by four, is four and a quarter weeks. Mostly this post is coming up now, because I’m a little lazy and I spent last week in the stupor of insomnia. Enough about me though, onto the recap.

AFC North: The Bengals are one of the big surprises this season. They are 4-1 and currently sit atop of the division. They’re doing it with a surprisingly solid defense and strong running from Cedric Benson, of all people. Carson Palmer not being hurt and Chad Ochocinco playing effectively is also a bonus. Baltimore and Pittsburgh are both 3-2, but have in division losses whilst the Bengals don’t.

AFC South: The Colts are, as I predicted, off to a strong start. They sit 5-0, and even though the run D isn’t as strong as I thought it would be, they are doing enough to help the team get by. They’ve defeated two division rivals, and look like one of the best teams in football. The Titans have fallen off the face of the Earth, and are winless. Both Jax and Houston alternate from looking great to shitting the bed, depending on the week.

AFC West: Wow! This division is making me and everyone else who picked the Chargers look stupid right now. Almost everyone decried the Broncos as useless, and I wish I could have that pick back. The Broncos are 5-0 at this point in the season and have won their only divisional game. The defense is playing very well right now, and the team is +56 in point differential. The Chargers are lagging behind with a 2-2 record, though they play the Broncos next week and have a chance to make things interesting. Oakland at least has a win already, but they arguably have the worst NFL QB of all time. KC is looking better, but they are winless.

AFC East: The Patriots are 3-2, which at the moment puts them in second place within the division. The Jets, who nobody picked to be good are in first at 3-1, though they have a big divisional game tonight against the Dolphins. Miami is 1-3 with last year’s hero, Chad Pennington – out for the season and possibly his career – with a busted shoulder. Buffalo is looking like it could be the first team to fire its coach.  Dick Jauron is pathetic, but they did stupidly sign him to an extension. As I predicted, Tom Brady isn’t his old self, and teams have figured out a way to get to him. The Jets are getting decent offense from Mark Sanchez, and they are playing inspired D behind new coach, Rex Ryan.
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