Author: Nonpopulist Published: September 7th, 2010
The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the AFC North.
Why the Baltimore Ravens will suck this year:
In this picture, Terrence Cody’s eyes say, “If you want to play with the pancake titties you need to buy them dinner first.”
But seriously, I think he’s going to be a good NFL player.
The Ravens are the sexy pick to win the division, but when I look at the Ravens I struggle to find something sexy. Joe Flacco’s unibrow? Maybe. Half of the Ravens’ defense is aging. The bright spots to me are Ngata and the rookie Terrence “Mountain of Pancakes Titties” Cody. Ray Lewis at this point is a semi-soft blob floating around the field and making contact with slower running backs. He still gets fired up, though? Right, Raven fan? I find it laughable that people are thinking the Raven’s offense will be “potent” this year. Ha, the Ravens haven’t even been able to get an offensive semi that I can remember, much less get fully erect. Don’t put all your eggs in one Ray Rice basket either. He is on every defensive coordinator’s gaydar radar this year.
Why the Cincinnati Bengals will suck this year:
This is one of the easier ones to hate on. Carson Palmer is still not the same from his knee injury a few years ago. Hey Carson, why do you think Brett Favre hot steps quickly backwards after every pass he throws? Because he knows people will inadvertently be at his knees to tear his MCL, PCL, ACL, vagina, or all 4. Why, Carson, do you think he has so many consecutive starts? Regardless of Palmer getting hurt again, he is still sailing passes over his receivers heads’ because he does not trust his plant foot after getting hurt last time. Why do you think there’s such a commitment to the run in Cincy? Many people point to Terrell Owens as a potential detriment to the team? Are you serious? You’re blowing my mind with this fucking analysis. He was even suspended one time for “conduct detrimental to the team?” Wow. I don’ think T.O. will blow up this year. Maybe next year, but not this year. He still drops a lot of passes that are thrown his way. That can hurt a team.
Why the Pittsburgh Steelers will suck this year:
The Steelers will not have Ben Rothlisberger for the first 4 games of the season. Then they have a bye week. Then Big Ben is back. Say what you will about Ben, but the team runs through his holding-on-to-the-ball-too-long-ass. If I was a Steeler’s fan I would not be able to stand watching Ben Rothlisberger play. Let’s leave the off-the-field stuff alone, Ben’s dancing around in the “pocket” waiting for receivers to uncover causes him to get hit a lot and the offense to stall. He’s a little like Barry Sanders. When Barry Sanders was playing he would sometimes break huge runs, but often he would get caught behind the line of scrimmage because he was dancing around instead of hitting a hole. I’m not saying either Barry Sanders or Big Ben are bad players. In fact, I believe the opposite. I think that if both players’ habits were changed they would be that much greater. Oh, and Rashard “Fumble-the-ball” Mendenhall is the #1 RB. He’s not good. Did you like that nickname? Yeh, you did, you dirty slut. Now touch it.
Why the Cleveland Browns will suck this year:
The quintessential “Aww, peaches!” moment. The picture quality is bad, just like Jake’s playing ability.
We’re talking about the Cleveland Browns here, people. Could anything possibly go right with this organization? Allow me to pile on. Your team is Josh Cribbs. That’s it. How does building a team around one player work out Cleveland. Think about recent history. *cough* Lebron *cough*. And they didn’t even want to pay their best player with a contract commensurate with his skills until they absolutely had to. Jake Delhomme is the quarterback. I can’t really add anything worse than that, but I will try. Delhomme leads the league in saying, “AAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW, PEACHES!!!1!1!!” after interceptions for every year he has been in the league. Jake Delhomme gets intercepted in the Madden video game 5 times a game with the difficulty level on rookie. He will be the death of this team this year.
Author: Nonpopulist Published: September 2nd, 2010
The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. First up, the AFC South.
The Colts had a good season last year. Peyton Manning rallied a young group of rag tag players and went to the Super Bowl but eventually lost to the seemingly predestined New Orleans Saints. Nevermind the reason he has to carry a young rag tag group is because of his exorbitant salary which will soon go up whenever the Colts put together a new deal for him. Manning has one year left on his deal, however, and with negotiations on a new collective bargaining agreement between the NFLPA and NFL owners not moving along at a promising pace Manning may not get another deal before a new CBA is in place. Manning also had surgery in the offseason because his Herman Munster-like neck started to fall apart. Have you never noticed how Peyton looks like Herman Munster’s bastard child? Well now you see it, don’t you? Here is a stat since most of these posts will be pure conjecture. Of the last 11 teams to lose a Super Bowl, eight came back the following year and missed the playoffs. *Sad trombone* Prediction: 9-7
Why the Tennessee Titans will suck this year:
Image via me. I like Nate Washington, though. I bought his Titans’ jersey t-shirt.
This will be simple for me since I am a fan of this team. #1- VINCE YOUNG. Vince has looked good this preseason. This is a smoke screen. Vince completing passes this season is all a ruse so that his subsequent fall will look that much more spectacular. He still does not know how to throw a football. VY cannot put touch on a screen pass either. He throws a screen pass and the running has to duck. If the playbook were anymore dumbed down for Vince he would get everyone in the huddle and say, “Everyone go long.” For running plays he would say, “Snap it to me and I’ll sneak it.”
#2- Chris Johnson- CJ2K’s performance last season was one of the few bright spots the Titans had. 2,000 yards rushing? That is a reason to celebrate, and celebrate Johnson did. The offseason was filled with tweets about “going in” and his “wrist game” being “gone.” I consulted a black person about what some of Johnson had been tweeting meant. After paying what he said was a standard “reparations fee” he explained what some of CJ’s tweets mean. I was way off! I finally had to unfollow Chris Johnson on twitter because it was becoming mostly gibberish. The problem with all of Johnson’s celebrating is I think he forgot to train and stay in shape this offseason. He did not go to one workout at the team facility. I have a sinking feeling he’s going to get injured early on this season. That’s why I have been drafting Javon Ringer late in many fantasy drafts. He’s Chris Johnson’s backup. Without Johnson this is team is crappy. I didn’t even get to the defense. Prediction: 7-9
Why the Houston Texans will suck this year:
The Texans have some good to great offensive players. Matt Schaub is a solid quarterback, and Andre Johnson is arguably the best wide receiver in the game of football. The hype has been hot around this team for a couple of years. Many NFL analysts think this is the year Head Coach Gary Kubiak puts the pieces together and the Texans make the playoffs. Not bloody likely. Schaub and Andre Johnson are injury prone. Owen Daniels, the Texans’ #1 tight end, is still recovering from knee surgery although he is expected to play. The team is relying on a rookie, Arian Foster, to run the football after another rookie they were counting on, Ben Tate, was placed on IR and their other running back, Steve Slaton, can’t get over a chronic case of fumblitis. Yeh, this is the year I see them going to playoffs. Prediciton: 6-10
Why the Jacksonville Jaguars will suck this year:
Come on, they’re the Jaguars. That’s all they know how to do- suck. But seriously, can everyone quit acting like there is some big ticket push the team is committed to? The owner Wayne Weaver and the head coach, Jack Del Rio, have an understanding. This team will be moved to Los Angeles as soon as there is a stadium built for them. Don’t you find it odd that Del Rio has been on the hot seat for about 3 years and not fired yet? There have been about 10,000 seats covered up at the Jaguars stadium for at least 4 years. Del Rio is dogging it, playing possum, whatever you want to call it. The understanding is once the team is able to move to L.A. they will realign the AFC and be able to win the division out west. I predict the AFC South and AFC West will just swap the Kansas City Chiefs and Jacksonville Jaguars. For now the Jaguars are awful, and above is the only logical explanation I can think of for their recent failures. Predicition: 2-14
Author: Nonpopulist Published: September 1st, 2010
“Come for the gift card, stay for the rape.”
Gally Blog denizens and people who heard about the $25 and came-a-clicking,
The NFL season is set to begin on September 9th, only a few days away. The only thing that can make the best sport in the world even better is being able to win money off of football betting and brag to your friends how you know more about the NFL than them or the bookies. The Gally Blog Pigskin ‘Em Contest is just such a sensual combination. The winner of the contest will receive a $25 Visa gift card as a prize. Tell your friends. All are welcome.
Here’s the breakdown:
We will use the ESPN Pigskin Pick ‘Em Engine, the group is here.
The picks will be made against the spread, not straight-up winners since that’s for pussies.
Entries are locked meaning you may only enter/ leave the group before the season begins on Sept. 9th. This is done to prevent shenanigans.
At the end of the season the winner of our group will be mailed a $25 Visa gift card that I will buy. If I win I will not buy a gift card.
In addition to this contest I will also be writing a weekly post revolving around NFL betting called “Rubetastic” or something else if I can think of something better. I have been making my own NFL lines for around 5 years, and while I am no expert I would rate myself as an above average prognosticator/ handicapper. The Rubetastic post will be a mixture of picking against Vegas lines, insight into why I think a line was set a certain way, what my own lines are and how I came to those lines, overall NFL betting trends I notice, apologies about being completely wrong the prior week, and a disclaimer that the post is all for fun and you assume all risk when betting on the advice of some jackhole on the internet. I do all my betting offline with a guy I call Jimmy Bags (like the character in The Departed.) He lets me call him that, actually. I choose to forget his real name. Also, he will talk in a 1920′s gangster voice if I ask. It’s the personalized customer service of Jimmy Bags that keeps me coming back.
This upcoming article is based on information that came out August 9th, so if my mathematical skills are accurate it is officially Internet old skool. I also don’t recall seeing it anywhere, so either a) You didn’t hear about it. b) You don’t give a shit, or c) You didn’t hear about it and didn’t care about it until someone ranted about it in a manner resembling Andy Rooney drunkenly rambling on about how the Korean War continues to affect the prices of tapioca. Where was I, oh yeah, regurgitated old Internet news. So every year, well recently, the NFL launches the season with a sort of mini concert featuring up to ten of the days biggest musical stars. Sometimes they may not actually be big stars, but musical acts who are running low on their adderal and codein scrips and need some quick cash. In the past, acts have included: Aerosmith, Britney Spears, Toby Keith, the cast of Rent, Joey Fatone and your uncle Leo’s mariachi band.
Hey, it’s their party and they can do whatever they want. Well this year, they decided that they hate us fans. They would rather us become complacent and fall asleep before the games start rather than get pumped up. Instead of picking a band(s) that would pump us up, like oh Mastodon, Metallica, Avenged Sevenfold, or even an act like Jay-Z with Kid Cudi, Wale and Eminem(which would pump us up, but in a different way than the aforementioned rawk groups.) At least when they put us to sleep during the half-time of the Super Bowl, we’ve already been entertained gotten to blind face drunk to realize what’s going on.
This year they went with Taylor Swift and mother fucking Dave Matthews. OMG RAWK ON MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!! I’M SO FUCKING EXCITED I’M GOING TO EXPLODE SO HARD IN MY PANTS THAT MY DICK IS GOING TO FALL OFF. ARE YOU EXCITED FOR THIS:
OR HOW ABOUT THIS FUCKERS?!?!?
So umm, yeah. Fuck you Taylor Swift. Fuck you Dave Matthews. Fuck you Jim Irsay. Fuck you Roger Goodell. Fuck you NFL. You fucking god damn shit weasel, master blenders of fine semen, pieces of cunt lint. Why couldn’t it have been this:
