Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Thursday September 29th 2011

‘On Deck’ Archive

What’s On Deck?

An incomplete, inadequate and inappropriate preview of what’s going on tonight in the world of sports and entertainment. All times listed are EST

People like to complain that summer is the dregs of the TV season. They are wrong. Dead wrong. The weeks leading up to Christmas, and right after Christmas is the blackened, festering mire or the TV season. It’s all crappy Christmas specials, and reruns. Entertain me TV, entertain me.

Million Dollar Money Drop: (Fox-8PM) If you watch this, you’re what’s wrong with the world. This is the two hour series premiere and hopefully finale.

The Sing Off: (NBC-8PM) Yeah! Fuck YEAH! This is apparently the season two finale. Apparently. Knowing NBC though, season three probably starts Thursday. Cocks.

South Park: (Comedy Central-8PM) Yeah, I railed on Christmas specials up above, but this is a 6 episode “marathon” of South Park Christmas episodes. Two thumbs up.

Monday Night Football: (ESPN/TSN-8:30PM) There’s been some pretty big suckfests for MNF this year, but this one is gonna be bad. Real bad. Joe Webb or some such random guy off the street is piloting the Vikings against the Bears. It might be in a blizzard though, so there’s that.

Castle: (ABC-9PM) It’s a repeat of the two hour season premiere, but I highly enjoyed that episode, so check it out wont you? Castle is actually one of the most underrated shows on TV and is actually put together quite well. Nathan Fillion, as always, is stellar.

Black Ops Brothers: Howe and Howe Tech: (Discovery-10PM) I’ve never seen this show before but the premise is interesting. Two brothers investigate new and cutting edge military technology. Tonight, they attend a ripsaw weapon demo. I don’t know what that is, but it sounds awesome.

Perfect Couples: (NBC-10PM) This is a sneak peak at the series premiere, which I assume NBC will re-air at a later date? This show seems forced and lazy and might be trying to hard to be a show that already existed under the name of Friends. I’m not one of those fancy guys that gets advanced screeners, so I’m going on word of mouth and trailers on this one. Maybe this show works, but it’s NBC so I kind of doubt it. It does have decent eye candy in Olivia Munn though, and I do like two of the lead actors, Kyle Howard and David Walton. I’ll give it a shot, but I’ll not hold my breath that it’ll be good.

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What’s On Deck


An incomplete, inadequate and inappropriate preview of what’s going on tonight in the world of sports and entertainment. All times listed are EST

How I Met Your Mother: (8PM-CBS) The show has been pretty hit or miss the last couple seasons, but has been as solid as it’s been in a long time the last few episodes. In tonights episode, Ted starts dealing with the Best Man roles for Punchy’s wedding, Robin gets a new job, Barney says something awesome and Alex Trebec guest stars.

Skating With The Stars/Sing Off: (8PM-ABC/NBC) If you watch any of these shows I would like for you to invite me over tonight. I’ll bring a nice bottle of red over, whisper sweet nothings in your ear and when your distracted by the bulge in my pants I’ll slip some draino into your drink. I may be tough but at least I’m fair.

The Princess Bride: (8PM-AMC) I love this movie. You don’t? INCONCEIVABLE! See what I did there? No? Ah, forget it.

Monday Night Football: (8:30PM-ESPN/TSN) This suckfest will be between the Houston Texans and the Baltimore Ravens. It features two teams that are good at stopping the run and one team that can’t stop the pass. Expect that team, Houston to win because the NFL doesn’t make sense this year. Also, look for questionable ref calls and Pittsburgh fans screaming at everything that goes Baltimore’s way. Oh yeah, also, Minnesota plays against the Giants in Detroit because of this.

Two and A Half Men: (9PM-CBS) Charlie and his girlfriend breakup. He seeks solace in his therapist. Also, hookers and blow. *mouth fart*

Hoarders: (10PM-A&E) A couple has, wait for it, a house full of stuff inside and out. The kicker with this one though, is a homeless man lives in their front yard. That is classy. Also, another couple whose hoarding is having an affect on their teenage daughter. Duh, you think?

Men of A Certain Age: (10PM-TNT) I never really got into this show last year. I keep hearing it’s good, but mostly I found it to be dry, depressing, unfunny and awkward. Kind of like an hour long version of The Office.

Yeah, it’s pretty much one giant mouthfart night for TV. Do yourself a favor, get the lady friend tipsy and play Doctor/hide the pork sword in the ham wallet.

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What’s On Deck

An incomplete, inadequate and inappropriate preview of what’s going on tonight in the world of sports and entertainment. All times listed are EST.

Hell’s Kitchen: (Fox-8PM) The final four “chefs” have to create on of Ramsey’s specialties without being told what the ingredients are. That’s an actual challenge that I expect most of them to fail miserably. Maybe I’m just bitter that I applied for the show and didn’t get on. Probably happened because I’m Canadian. Those racists.

Wipeout: (ABC-8PM) It’s another episode of that remake of that Japanese show that Spike dubbed over as the venerable MXC. MXC is far better than this version or the Japanese version. When I typed far once sentence back, I accidentally typed fart. I think that means something.

19 Kids and Counting: (TLC-9PM) This is all I have to say about that.

Cupcake Wars: (Food-9PM) Oh my god, tonight they will be making vintage-inspired cupcakes!!!! See above.

Shaq Vs. (ABC-9:01PM) Was Wipeout so damn amazing that they had to last one whole extra minute? Or is tonights episode where Shaq competes against Dale Earnhardt Jr. so bad that they had to take a minute away from it. Tune in to find out. Or don’t.

White Collar: (USA-9PM) Mozzie, the jack of all trades non-imposing master criminal, finds himself in a jam tonight as one of his friends turns up kidnapped. Mozzie is arguably the best character, and therefore thing, about this show so there’s potential here.

Covert Affairs: (USA-10PM) This show is only a couple episodes in and though some are calling it an Alias clone, it’s got some potential. If nothing else, Piper Perabo is pretty darn cute.

Rescue Me: (FX-10PM) While I’m sure tonight will have a lot to do with Tommy, Dennis Leary’s character, drinking and taking shit for it, tonight’s episode is about Colleen’s heavy drinking and Tommy trying to get her to stop. Ooohh!!! Sorry about the snark, some people that I respect like this show, but I’ve never gotten into it. Probably cause I didn’t have cable or Internet from about 2000-2005. Yeah, I was a drunken caveman during that time.

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What’s On Deck

An incomplete, inadequate and inappropriate preview of what’s going on tonight in the world of sports and entertainment. All times listed are EST.

Lie to Me: (Fox-8PM) Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re probably sick of me listing this show by now. As it’s the off season, I’ll probably keep putting it up here for Monday nights. Tim Roth plays the Cal Lightman character very well, and the other actors are no slouches as well. Plus Monica Raymund, seen above, is kind of easy on the eyes. Oh, and if you’re logic or a pedophile, the woman who play’s Dr. Lightman’s 16 year old daughter is actually 19 so there’s that.

Extreme Forensics: (ID-9PM) I’m still pissed that the show’s not called xXxtreme 4ensics. This is the second season finale for what it’s worth.

The Good Guys: (Fox-9PM) In tonight’s episode the Dallas PD is on alert after rumors of a bank heist surface. Of course, Jack and Dan find out that the heist is a decoy for a larger robbery across town. I’m going to keep putting this show on the list until you yell at me to stop.

RuPaul’s Drag U: Plump and Circumstance: (Logo-9PM) I can only assume that this show is RuPaul teaching fatties how to be drag queens. What, you expected me to do research? A woman I knew once told me that RuPaul was so attractive, that even as a straight guy we must find her attractive. I would have laughed at her, but I was sleeping with her and didn’t think that would help me out.

Fabulous Cakes: (TLC-10PM) Hooray! Another show about cakes. It seems that every day of the week there’s at least 134 shows about cakes or cup cakes on TV. If it makes you more excited, this one is set in Vegas…. yay!

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What’s On Deck

An incomplete and inadequate preview of what’s going on tonight in the world of sports and entertainment. All times listed are EST.

Burn Notice: (USA-9PM) You know what Burn Notice, fuck you. You left me alone last Thursday and while you were taking the day off, I had to entertain myself. I failed at that Burn Notice, I failed. For this I can never forgive you. We’re through, it’s over baby. *chugs from bottle of scotch while crying* I love you Burn Notice. I wan’t you back. Say that you’ll never leave me. Anyways, tonights episode brings back the interrogation version of Sam as him and Jesse interrogate a contract killer.

Smoking Gun Presents: (TruTV-9PM) This is another channel that I’ve never heard of and will likely never own. Tonight’s special episode is The Worlds Dumbest Lovers 2. I don’t even know where to start with that, but admit it, you’re intrigued. Is it something like a couple that breaks into a bank in order to have sex? Is it people having sex in a moving car, causing an accident and dying? Is it couples not knowing that vaginal sex leads to pregnancy? Or is it even dumber, like people who think that you’re supposed to put the penis in the vagina? It goes in the belly button right?

Mary Knows Best (SyFy-9PM) Umm, well tonight is the series premiere. According to the synopsis, “Mary Occhino, the matriarch of a proud Long Island Italian-American family, always takes her work home with her because communicating with the spirit world is a 24-hour job. The reality series Mary Knows Best will chronicle the poignant and often funny situations that Occhino and her family get themselves into on a daily basis. A successful author, radio host, psychic intuitive and mother of three, Occhino touches the lives of nearly everyone she meets.” Woof. If you watch this other than for the irony and unintentional comedy, you can feel free to never come back to this site again. Friends off.

Royal Pains: (USA-10PM) Come on folks, give this show a chance. It’s not half bad and there’s far worse things you could be watching, like 90% of the crap that runs on NBC. Oh, NBC owns USA Network? Well never mind then. Tonights episode features rich people. Oh, you mean it always does? Well fuck. Just shut up and watch it.

Ace of Cakes: (Food-10PM) Oh, you don’t say. A cake show on TV. Well your chances were pretty good as there’s 62 cake shows and 14 cupcake shows now on TV. Whatever.

Futurama: (Comedy-10PM) Like I had to tell you this was on tonight, or to watch it. You know you were going to. If you’re reading this site, Futurama is 100% in your wheelhouse. Tonight’s synopsis is, “On Thursday’s all-new episode of “Futurama,” the crew races to future Rome to unearth the shocking secret of Leonardo da Vinci after Fry and Professor Farnsworth discover something new in his collection of relics.”

Penn & Teller’s Bullshit: (Showtime-10PM) Another excellent show that I highly recommend. Penn and Teller take a concept that usually causes some controversy and explain why that controversy or sometimes the concept is Bullshit. Tonight’s episode is about Area 51… conspiracy alert. Plus every episode has full frontal nudity so it has that going for it.

Top 20 Most Shocking: (TruTV-10PM) Sigh. This episode of what appears to be a series is the Top 20 Most Shocking Losers in Love. I have no idea how that concept works or what it’s about. I just know that a) it can’t be good b) it’ll be depressing and c) why the fuck oh why? I also know that it’ll be highly inaccurate as it, as far as I know, doesn’t involve me.

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What’s On Deck

An incomplete and inadequate preview of what’s going on tonight in the world of sports and entertainment. All times listed are EST.

MLB All Star game: (ESPN-8PM) Yay! Tonight is ton-zzzzzzzz-ights MLB All Star game. Are you excited? Like really, really excited? You shouldn’t be. The AL has won 11 of the last 12 of these boring things where nobody tries. Before you go and give the NL credit for not being totally laughable and winning 8.3% of the last dozen All Star games, don’t. The one was called a tie in a show of Bud Selig’s incredible grasp of the public and the game he is in charge of. Besides, it’s cheap movie night.

White Collar: (USA-9PM) I’ll give credit where credit is due, and the USA network is due some credit. They’ve been owning the summer by broadcasting new episodes of all their scripted shows. Sure they have a small market share, but I’ve yet to see a bad original series created by USA. Tonight is the second season premiere of the show about a moderately reformed criminal working with the FBI in the white collar crimes division. Think of it as kind of like a Catch Me If You Can, where the counterfeiter got caught and helps catch similar criminals.

The Hills: (MTV-10PM) OMG! It’s the series finale. Are you as sad as I am? Will I be able to be strong through this or will I have a good cry and use my tears as lube for masturbation. Good riddance.

Covert Affairs: (USA-10PM) Remember when I said that USA has not produced an original series that wasn’t good? Tonight’s airing of the pilot of this series will probably confirm that statement. The synopsis is as follows, “New jobs are tough — especially when your new employer is the CIA. Annie Walker (Piper Perabo) is fluent in six languages, has traveled the world and is besting her fellow CIA trainees in every test. But that doesn’t explain why she’s suddenly summoned by CIA headquarters to report for active duty as a field operative one month before her training is over. She doesn’t know there may be something — or someone — from her past that her CIA bosses are really after.” I’ll probably do a review tomorrow if you’re into that kind of thing. I’ve included a trailer for the series after the jump.

Jersey Couture: Fame and Fashion: (Oxygen-10PM) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHA. Omg, let me catch my breath for a minute…. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

Memphis Beat: (TNT-10PM) Want to be completely disappointed? Unfortunately, you can’t have sex with me or be in a relationship with me so you’ll have to settle for watching Memphis Beat. What should have been an interesting show is a complete failure. So, don’t watch unless you’re a masochist, or really have a thing for either Jason Lee or the blues.

Louie: (FX-11PM) I really want to love this show, I really do. So far it has its moments, but it hasn’t won me over as presumably I’m not intelligent enough to grasp the concept. I’ll continue to keep this show on my watch list as to not would make me as bad as or worse than Fox. (more…)

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What’s On Deck

An incomplete and inadequate preview of what’s going on tonight in the world of sports and entertainment. All times listed are EST.

Lie To Me: (Fox-8PM) I keep telling you that this is a good show, and I completely stand by that assertation. Besides, it’s a Monday and it’s not like you have any plans that are better than watching TV. Tonights episode involves dirty cops, drug dealers and the projects.

HR Derby: (ESPN-8PM) Oh yay! Tomorrow is MLB’s All Star Game, which means that tonight is the Home Run Derby. Are you excited to watch Jim Thome, Albert Pujols, Ryan Howard and Ken Griffey Jr. smash some dingers? Well you shouldn’t be, because none of those guys are actually in the event.

The Good Guys: (Fox-8PM) I can not stress this enough, but y’all should give this show a chance. Sure it’s simple, but it’s entertaining. If you guys don’t watch it, it’s going to end up getting canceled and that would be a shame. A shame. Would you expect anything different from Fox though?

Extreme Forensics: (ID-9PM) I have no idea what that channel is and I have no desire to look into it, because I’m sort of lazy you see. Having said that, the show is called Extreme Forensics. Shouldn’t it be xXxtreme 4ensics?

The Closer: (TNT-9PM) This is the sixth season premiere. That means that this show is good right. Six seasons would be a long time to air a crappy show. Oh, so you’re saying that Two and a Half Men has been on for 7 seasons and Charlie Sheen makes something like $2 million an episode, well never mind then. But this show is actually, from what I can lazily gather, fairly decent.

Last Comic Standing: (NBC-9PM) It’s a reality show from NBC so you know it’s quality. Actually, way back when season one aired, I enjoyed this show. It introduced some really funny comics that, though they seem to have fizzled out, produced some solid comedy central specials.

The Hard Times of RJ Berger: (MTV-10PM) I really hate that I’m recommending a MTV created and produced show. I really do. It’s funny though, albeit in a semi retarded way. There’s worse things you could be doing at 10 o’clock at night, like sleeping with me. Unless that is, you were looking to be irritated to the point of falling asleep.

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What’s On Deck

An incomplete and inadequate preview of what’s going on tonight in the world of sports and entertainment. All times listed are EST.

Louis: (FX-11PM) Holy crap, it’s a Tuesday that’s not as barren as your wife girlfriend blowup doll. Tonight marks the series premiere of Louis CK’s new show with back to back episodes. Expect to laugh and not feel so empty on the inside after watching a show made by an actual legitimate talented person. A couple Louis related videos follow after the jump.

History Special: 10 ways to Kill Bin Laden: (History-8PM) So apparently this is happening. List mania has moved on from your Internet and on to your TV. What a hussy.

Hells Kitchen: (Fox-8PM) Tonight marks the airing of another two episodes of an asshole yelling at other untalented assholes. This show makes me angry sometimes, and not just because I got turned down for competing on the show.

Rescue Me: (FX-10PM) I totally didn’t know this was happening, but tonight is the sixth season premiere of the Dennis Leary show. I’ve never gotten into the show, but I’ve heard good things. In tonight’s episode, Tommy is back on the job haunted by visions of the afterlife as budget woes force HQ to put 62 on the chopping block. (more…)

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What’s On Deck

Oh wait, that's Thursday. Sorry, I got ahead of myself.

An incomplete and inadequate preview of what’s going on tonight in the world of sports and entertainment. All times listed are EST.

Movies: (Various locations and times) There’s fuck all on TV again on a Tuesday. Seriously. Up here in Canada, Tuesday is a cheap day to go to a movie. I don’t know if it’s the same way down with you Americans, but go see a movie anyways. There’s a solid selection of movies out right now. Get Him To The Greek is actually pretty good, as is the surprising A-Team. Toy Story 3 is apparently amazing and Vince from FilmDrunk claims that Jonah Hex is so bad it’s good. He said that it’s this years The Wicker Man and that it’s the most fun he’s had at a movie in a long time. He’s the movie blogger, I’m sure he’d know.

Masturbation: (Various locations and times) This makes a dramatic and kind of surprising return to this list again on Tuesday. Hey, it’s something fun with someone who loves you and can’t leave you. Last week I suggested sharing a fine boxed wine with yourself. That’s so passe though. This week, sit on your dominant hand to put it to sleep so you can do The Stranger and enjoy your finest 40 of malt liquor.

30 for 30: (ESPN-9PM) As I mentioned last night, The Two Escobar’s 30 for 30 is supposed to be very good. Yesterday it was on ESPN Deportes, whatever that is, while tonight it’s on good old fashioned regular ESPN. There’s worse things you could do tonight.

Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D List: (Bravo-10) See. I told you there was worse things you could do tonight.

Wipeout: (ABC-8PM) Oh hay lookie here. It’s the third season premiere of that show that’s a knockoff of MXC. Only without the Japanese involvement or dubbed commentary. *mouthfart*

Downfall: (ABC-9PM) Yay! A show where perfectly good prizes like cars get destroyed if the contestant doesn’t win. This. This is why the world hates North America. Great job ABC.

Memphis Beat: (TNT-10PM) This is the premiere of this show. It’s set in, wait for it… Memphis. It stars Jason Lee as a Detective by day, Elvis impersonator by night…. I’m going to let that sink in for a minute….. Okay, Jason Lee is a very solid actor with good comedic chops. Unfortunately Sepinwall says its a sloppy mess of a police drama and I tend to trust Sepinwall’s judgement on Television. Perhaps the pilot is sloppy and it finds its place in the next couple episodes. It’s happened before. So if you’re feeling adventurous, give it a shot. Below the jump are a sneak preview and a link to a preview music video. I suggest the music one. (more…)

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What’s On Deck

An incomplete and inadequate preview of what’s going on tonight in the world of sports and entertainment. All times listed are EST.

Lie To Me: (Fox-8PM) I highly recommend that you give this show a chance. Sure it’s more House than Breaking Bad, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. The premise of the show is based on actual scientific findings and Tim Roth’s character, Dr. Cal Lightman, is compelling and well acted. In tonight’s episode, Lightman is called to testify in the trial of a beautiful widow accused of murdering her much older husband. Silly Fox, you had me at called.

The Good Guys: (Fox-9PM) Some people, like Sepinwall, think this show is getting too silly. Well pardon me your highnesses, I don’t need every show on TV to be an Emmy candidate. The show is admittedly silly yes, but I don’t think it takes itself too serious anyways. It can be fun to turn off the old brain and just let something like this entertain you. In tonights episode, a string of dog poisonings puts Jack and Dan on the trail of a well meaning but oblivious vigilante.

30 For 30: (ESPN Deportes-9PM) Tonights episode, The Two Escobars, is supposed to be very, very good. It tells the tail of the deaths of two influential Columbian Escobars, Pablo the head of a drug cartel and Andres the captain of the suddenly powerful soccer team. I don’t know if this is a channel that everyone gets or not, but if you do, you should watch it.

Ultimate Car Build Off: (Discovery-9PM) Tonight is the series premiere of this hotly anticipated television show and they build a “soccer mom super car.” Woof.

RAW: (USA-9PM) So yeah, apparently people are still fervently watching this. From what I gather, it’s been getting pretty stagnant lately, but what do I know? I’m unemployed, not a rocket surgeon.

The Hard Times of RJ Berger: (MTV-10PM) Yeah, I know. MTV sucks. MTV is what’s wrong with this country(continent). Well, I don’t care. The first two episodes have been legitimately entertaining. I have no idea if the video I embedded below the jump is a good indication of the show or not. MTV showed me the ad, but then announced that the video was unavailable in my area. Damn you MTV. Damn you Internet. (more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

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