Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Thursday December 22nd 2011

‘Previews’ Archive

Australian Open Men’s Championship Preview

Back when I wrote my Aussie Open preview, I had Federer over Djokovic in the final (before I knew what the bracket was. Obviously that was an impossibility). One of those men has made it, but Andy Murray joins Djokovic in his second Aussie Open final in a row.

Djokovic has had the more impressive run through the tournament. He ran through Tomas Berdych, who had dominated, in straight sets. Then he ran through Roger Federer in straight sets. He has an Australian Open title in 2008, and it’s clear that this has always been his favorite grand slam event. He is serving well, returning well, moving well, and his backhand is as good as I have ever seen it. He looks ready to move Federer out of the top two in the world.

But to make this preview all about the Djoker would overlook Andy Murray, who is playing like a champion in his own right. Even though he is the 5th seed in this tournament, I have been saying for over a year now that he is the 3rd best player in the world. And it might be true, it’s just that he still might not be as good as Djokovic right now. Still, it’s tough to judge how well Murray has played so far, given that he avoided having to play both Soderling and Nadal. Instead, he dispatched the young Ukrankain Alexandr Dolgopolov in the quarters and David Ferrer in the semis. But before anyone discounts the Ferrer win, Ferrer is maybe the best defensive player on tour right now, and while Murray usually stuck with his own defensive style, his offense, when he unleashed it, was too much for the Spaniard. I think that Djokovic will have trouble dealing with it as well.

And as good as Berdych and Federer are, neither is the type of counterpuncher that Murray is. Djokovic loves Australia, but Murray has said that this slam has his favorite surface as well. I think it will be a tough final, but in the end I see Andy Murray becoming the first British man to win a grand slam since Fred Perry way back in 1936.

For those of you up late tonight, we will be live-blogging the Mens final. We do hope you stop by. P.S. The final starts at 3:30AM EST tonight.

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Australian Open Preview

First, I suppose an introduction is in order. I am Fetch, and I am an internet superstar a blogger. To drop in a couple shameless plugs right off the bat, you can find me writing about Kansas athletics at Rock Chalk Talk, the Twins at Twinkie Talk and college hockey at the creatively named The College Hockey Blog. You can also follow me on twitter @fetch9 if you would like.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the Australian Open preview. The Aussie Open is the first grand slam on the tennis calendar and probably my favorite. It could be that it comes after a long 5 month layoff after the US Open, or that it is a nice distraction from the cold January weather and the dreary school that goes with it. Or it could be that traditionally it is the one that features the most wide open field.

In any event, I love watching it, and it is one of the four times a year when I get to wear my serious tennis fan hat. Let’s begin the preview with the ladies: (more…)

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College Football Rivalry Week: The Iron Bowl is PsyOps Level This Year



This picture was tweeted with the comment, "An Auburn fan literally risked their life to get this photograph."



This week is college football rivalry week and, let’s face it, time for everyone to say their team’s particular rivalry game is the most heated, has the most gruesome history, or breaks up the most families. Those are all things worthy of being asserted with puffed-out chests to be sure, but one thing not to be disputed is whoever had the balls to tape a Cam Newton jersey t-shirt to the Bear Bryant statue in Tuscaloosa, take the time to snap a picture, then I’m sure retrieve the Newton shirt (not pictured) needs a medal of fan valor to be pinned on their chest by Lee Corso in yet another cheesy College Gameday powered by the Fart Depot commercial. That’s PsyOps level commandoism right there. After this mission was over the Auburn fan just smelted (get it, Iron?) into the bushes and has since retired to a simple life of gator hunting and cigar smoking in the Louisiana swamp. He goes into town bi-weekly to get supplies, but is very stand-offish. He never lets a smile slip and rarely says anything more than “thank you” as he slowly stalks back to his quiet little corner of the world to wrestle the demons of his past and try to forget the faces in his nightmares.

There are other heated rivalry games, but the Iron Bowl between Alabama and Auburn is certainly one of the most storied. This year’s game will mark the second in a row the game will have national championship implications. That reads like something a college football writer would put in an article, right? *pops collar* There are other meaningful games to be played this week between teams who have hated each other throughout history.
“The Civil War” between Oregon and Oregon St. (mouth fart)
“The Egg Bowl” between Mississippi and Mississippi St. (dismissive wanking motion)
Whatever they call the game between Ohio St. and Miami of Ohio Michigan
Some other regional battles (whatevs)

Those are nice, but if you only watch one rivalry game this week make it the Iron Bowl, Friday on CBS at 1:30 CST. Auburn folks have been bringing the heat this week as far as taunting leading up to the game. Check out this joke that has been tweeted and retweeted by Auburn people: Overheard joke: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Bama.” “Bama who?” “Exactly.” O snap, son. That’s a Bieber-level burn. The only thing worse is if Bama would have been “sacked like a sacker” whatever the freak that means. Alabama people have also come strong with the smack this week. There have been rumblings that the Bama fans have been gathering monopoly money from their home games and plan to make it rain in the stadium at a predetermined time in order to make sport of the Auburn quarterback’s problems with off-the-field money scandals. Well played, Bama fans, but the joke will be on you next time you go to the classic Parker Brothers board game. I did see a funny photoshop some Bama fan made on this thread.

Cam Monopoly money or Camopoly money. That’s strong work.

Also, this post was rather amusing. The Iron Bowl According to Facebook by Chad Gibbs. Should be a good game. I’m sure the Florida-Florida St. game will be riveting as well. Are you sufficiently stirred up yet?

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Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: NFC EAST

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the NFC East. These are barely getting any pageviews, but it’s a matter of desire at this point. I need to focus and finish. What I learned for next year: start earlier and don’t try to do all of these by myself.

Why the New York Giants will suck this season:

The Giants are a shell of what they were when they won the Super Bowl a few years ago. Quarterback Eli Manning still has about as much charisma and leadership ability as the runny dump I took an hour ago, and the Giants still do not have Plaxico Burress. While Plax’s football abilities continue to rot in prison because of pussy liberals who think guns are the devil a young Giants’ receiving corps looks poised to drop balls and under perform again this year. The running game is one of the team’s potential strong points, but the offensive line is shaky because of injuries and Brandon Jacobs is about ready to go “diva” on everyone. Someone get that big baby a Snickers bar. I think the defense will perform better this year, though.
Prediction 10-6

Why the Philadelphia Eagles will suck this season:

The Eagles will suck this year because they got rid of Donovan McNabb, one of the best quarterbacks in the game, and are instead starting a completely unproven backup. That’s a move bound to bring a championship. Has anyone ever considered the possibility McNabb might not be the problem in Philly? It could be because God hates your dumb city. The problem could also be the head coach, Andy Reid, has forgotten more about football than anyone ever knew about football, as in all of it. Andy Reid doesn’t know anything about football is the point I am trying to make here. That’s a recipe for suckitude.
Prediction: 5-11

Why the Washington Redskins will suck this season:

The Redskins will suck because they have Donovan McNabb. LOL, J/K. KTHXBAI. Mike Shanahan (candy lover) has a mandate from Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder to fix this team Shanahan’s way. The new head coach has come in and done things his way alright. He’s pissed everyone off including talented defen$ive tackle Albert Haynesworth. You may have seen something about that in the news. Think about what happened in D.C. the last time a coach lost the team. When the players grew tired of Jim Zorn they stopped playing for him and it led to many disasters on the field. Shanahan is not diplomatic enough to coach this team. I hate to say this, but Shanny needs to take a page out of the Tom Coughlin playbook if he doesn’t want to have a rough season.
Prediction 4-12

Why the Dallas Cowboys will suck this season:

The Cowboys will most likely have a good regular season. Their sucking will occur in the postseason if they make it that far. Quarterback Tony Romo is awesome… at plowing hot tail, as a quarterback, meh. The team continues to put faith in Marion Barber at running back even though he doesn’t run as well as Earl Campbell does today. Wade Phillips is a soft coach. Jerry Jones still thinks he can GM an NFL team. Wait, I have an idea. Why not let the stadium play, coach, and be the general manager? At least the stadium will see the Super Bowl this year.
Prediction 5-11

I’m basically doing this to entertain myself as no one is reading these. That’s ok. I am entertaining myself, and not just by typing if ya know what I mean. *Wink

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Your Final Big XII Football Preview Forever

The Big XII had a bit of a renaissance in 2009. Old powers rose again in Nebraska, rivalries were renewed in the South, and Colorado was reminded of their place by being a horrible, horrible football team. Just like they should be. In the offseason, the romantic winds of change blew up the conference’s skirt as it was looking to establish itself as perhaps the second most relevant NCAA football conference outside of the SEC. That is, until Missouri started flirting with the Big 10, Colorado ran to the Pac10, Nebraska ended up being the school to move to the Big 10, Texas threatened to leave for the west as well, and Texas A&M almost headed to SEC country. When all was said and done, the Big XII was left weak, with doubts about it’s future, and a clear center of power in Austin, Texas.
But this isn’t the place to discuss conference realignment. There is some real, genuine, college football that is starting up soon. There are crowds in Kansas that are prepping to wave their arms like a cornfield. There are people in Lubbuck who are curious about their new coach. There are fans in Norman looking forward to a rebirth of their team. And fans all across the Big XII are prepping for one last swan song, one final send off for Colorado and Nebraska before the Big XII as we know it dissolves. Will there be blood? Oh yeah. Buckets of it enough to satisfy a Twilight Mom. So let’s get this college football season started, with a Big XII preview.

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Tips On Marriage For PJD

One of the contributors at this site, PJD is getting married this weekend. So congratulations to him on that. But before he takes the big plunge, I would like to pass on some helpful tips courtesy of some stand up comics.

First up we hear from Rodney Carrington:

The key to this one is right out of the gate: (more…)

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Eastern Conference Round 2. FIGHT.

How did I do in the first round? Nailed the Philly series, came within a 3OT game going the other way of doing the same with the Pittsburgh series, was wrong about the Habs (but did say that the Caps were capable of a Sharkian collapse…)…and let’s not talk about the Bruins. In short, poorly. Now to continue that unparalleled awesomeness, looking at the all too common 4-6-7-8 Eastern Conference Semifinals.

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The Gally Blog Mock Draft 3.0 and Live Blog Tonight!

The Gally Blog will be having a live blog draft party beginning around 7:15 PM EST/ 6:15 PM CST. Come drink and hate with us. At least when your team bumbles their pick you will be able to curse them somewhere of public record. Logic and Nonpopulist will be your hosts with all of your Gally Blog favorites stopping by. Bring a friend and some booze, mooch.

The third installment (picks 22-32): Can you feel the NFL draft fever heating up? Oooohhhh, it burns when I pee! We here at The Gally Blog decided to pool our knowledge and do a mock draft for you, the reader. Sure, we could have started doing mock drafts right after Alabama won the national championship, but it is MUCH easier to wait until everyone else does a mock draft so we can cheat off of other people’s work compare notes. In case you missed it, Part 1 is here and part 2 is here.



22. Patriots- Nonpopulist: Sergio Kindle, LB, Texas. Has the Patriots defense been a sham for enough years to make commentators stop talking about it yet? Sergio has a nice name and is a good pass rushing LB. They’ll be lucky to still get him here because I have seen Kindle going higher in a few mock drafts.
Gally: What are you talking about? The Pats defense has that guy. You know, Richard Seymour. Oh, well what about Teddy Bruschi? He had a stroke? Seriously? Well what about that guy, or you know that other guy?
K-Gun: Hey! Sergio! You’ve gotta get us outta here and so I say hey, Sergio! It’s gettin’ kinda hot in here and so I say hey. [horns] [oioioi]

23. Packers- PJDiaries: Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers. As a Vikings fan, writing about the Packers is easy. They need to draft everything because they suck! Teehee! This is also where WisconsinRob and I fight. Anyway, the main focus for the worst team ever at this pick was determined by their gang bang in the Arizona playoff game where Kurt Warner threw for 7000 yards and their offensive line blacked out on the last play where Erin was sacked. Oline and defensive back field help became the focus. It’s all pretty fresh, but since you can’t draft for two needs at once (unless the dude swings both ways, amirite?!) the Packers take the better player available to help their oline or DBs and that’s Devin McCourty, the CB from Rutgers. Charles Brown, the OT from USC is an option here but I don’t buy it especially when you still have that gaping vagina Al Harris on your team. You have to replace him soon.
Gally: yeah, it’s a pretty weak year for top notch o-lineman this year, so they may as well upgrade their secondary. Even Wisconsin Rob would agree here.


24. Eagles- Logic: Taylor Mays. S, USC. The Eagles might be calling this season a wash and rebuilding with their young skill players. I see an upgrade on defense in their future. Too bad their fans can’t upgrade their class, or SAT scores.
PJD: Wow, I didn’t even know that people hated Philly fans so much. I would like to subscribe to your brochure of hate.

25. Ravens- Nonpopulist: Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee. This pick is a toss-up between defensive line and tight end. The Ravens have a mostly aging defensive line, and not even God knows what kind of season Todd Heap is going to have. Tight end is also one of the most likely positions from which teams can get good production right away. Dan Williams next to Ngata scares me, frankly.
Gally: Everson Griffen is also a valid choice right now. If you look at their roster right now, they don’t have a single guy listed as a strict DE. All of them are LB/DE combos. Even in the 3-4 though, you need a big strong DE. Griffen did 32 reps, is 6’4″ 273 and runs a 4.65 40. Seems like he could be a good fit for them.


26. Cardinals- Gally: Terrence Cody, DT, Alabama. I know you’re thinking they need a QB other than Matt Leinhart and Derek Anderson, but shouldn’t we give them a year before we throw them in the woodchipper? There’s also that Roethlisberger guy who might still be on the market at the trade deadline. They really need a MLB here, but there’s none rated high enough to take at this point of the draft and the 1st round quality safeties are gone by this point in time. It might be a stretch to take Cody this early, but I saw him play in way too many games for a Northern Canadian last year. All I got was SEC games and I know Cody is a beast. He’s fallen on some boards due to conditioning and thoughts that he’s only a 2 down type of guy, but if he dominates those two downs who the hell cares.

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The Gally Blog Mock Draft 2.0

Can you feel the NFL draft fever heating up? Oooohhhh, it burns when I pee! We here at The Gally Blog decided to pool our knowledge and do a mock draft for you, the reader. Sure, we could have started doing mock drafts right after Alabama won the national championship, but it is MUCH easier to wait until everyone else does a mock draft so we can cheat off of other people’s work compare notes. In case you missed it, Part 1 is here.

11. Broncos (From Bears)- Gally: Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech. This team is berefit of receivers and tight ends that are able to catch the ball. With the trades of Brandon Marshall and Tony Scheffler, old neckbeard has no receiving safety blankets. They were weak defending the run last year, but with the top two DT’s already taken I think they trade down so they can take TE Rob Gronkowski or WR Demaryius Thomas. Having said that and this being a mock draft, not mock season sim with trade capabilities on the PS3, they take the best player on the board. Georgia Tech DE Derrick Morgan.
Nonpopulist: Hey, my name’s Josh McDaniels, and I can win with anyone. I don’t need elite players. Do you know who I am? I coached under Bill freaking Belichick, Now marvel at my drafting cock.

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A Western Conference Preview. Preview? Yes, preview.


Look familiar?


Yeah, this is a preview.  I was kidnapped by banditos and forced to impregnate all their senoritas because apparently riding horses across the Mexican frontier renders one sterile absolutely buried with real life shit.  Apologies to my horde of regular readers.  So there’s even more content here because I can look back and analyze what I thought would happen, which will appear in italics.  Sadly, it doesn’t appear like my beloved Wild will win the Cup this year.  So here’s a look at the Western Conference.

(more…)

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