Author: Nonpopulist Published: September 8th, 2010
The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the AFC West.
Why the San Diego Chargers will suck this season:
Hope floats for Charger fans, as does all of quarterback Philip Rivers’ passes. San Diego appears to be the consensus pick to win the AFC West, but honestly, I do not see it. The Chargers are putting their faith in a rookie running back Ryan Mathews who is unproven despite how sexy of a fantasy football pickup he has been this year. The team has Samuel L. Jackson from the movie Unbreakable backing Mathews up at running back. Philip Rivers’ number one target Vincent Jackson is disgruntled and will not sign his restricted free agent tender. Even if he does show up to play he is not in shape at this point. The Chargers have a defense softer than Christina Hendricks’ boobs too. Prediction 8-8
Why the Denver Broncos will suck this season:
I hesitate to say anything negative about the Broncos since they have Tebow Christ Superstar on their team. Lendale White tweeted a picture of Tim Tebow and look at what happened to him, out for the season with a ruptured achilles tendon. Don’t cross Tebow. Lesson learned. Other than the wrath of God being enacted against anyone who doesn’t embrace Tebow as the 2nd coming or at least say how much better of a person they are after spending five minutes with him, the former Florida quarterback will not be a factor this season. If you had a gun to my head I would say Tim Tebow will never be an impact player in the NFL. Then I would do some sort of badass Jack Bauer move probably breaking your arm and get the gun. Now who’s in charge!? What were we talking about? Prediction 6-10
Why the Kansas City Chiefs will suck this season:
The Chiefs are classic examples of one of those types of teams that suck. Hard. Matt Cassell was a system quarterback (They do exist!) I doubt seriously Cassell will ever repeat the success he had the year he started for the Patriots. The good news for the Chiefs is there has been a coaching reunion of sorts from the fantastical Super Bowl seasons of the New England Patriots with both Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel joining the staff as Offensive and Defensive Coordinators respectively. The only problem is the Chiefs’ head coach, Todd Haley, is no Bill Belichick. Although he does seem to have the power trip of Bill Belichick (see: Charles, Jamaal.) Ask Josh McDaniels how that works out. Prediction 4-12
Why the Oakland Raiders will suck this season:
Why does the sun come up every morning? I don’t know, but it does. One day the sun may not come up, though, and the last thing we’ll care about is how crappy the Oakland Radiers are. Signing Jason Campbell at quarterback was a positive step in the offseason, but he has already hurt his shoulder, and I haven’t heard anything credible about his status going into the season opener. The odds that Oakland puts out the dumpster fire that engulfs their team are about as likely as me getting a blow job from Ellen Page. I’m a fan of her, and I really want it to happen, but I am a creep who types things on the internet about getting a blow job from Ellen Page. Do you see the problem? If you do, please tell me. Prediction 3-13
Author: Deacon Touchback Published: September 8th, 2010
But it does constitute a good time. Hopefully.
Week 1 And it was like Christmas all over again…
Well kids, here we are again. Training camps and preseason are done, teams have made their final roster cuts, and Matt Leinart still doesn’t have a starting QB job even after the retirement of Kurt Warner. All is well in the NFL.
There have been quite a few changes in the NFL this season since the New Orleans Saints hoisted the Lombardi Trophy for the first time in franchise history, but that’s not for this week’s Sermon. So if you’ve been away from the NFL for awhile, NFL.com is probably a great place to start to get caught up to speed before diving into another season of the NFL.
Before I make this week’s picks, I just want to say that this year is shaping up to be one of those ‘WTF’ kind of years in the NFL. Last year there were a really good handful of crappy teams and picking games was a little bit easier than most years in the NFL. So I’d like to preface this year’s season by saying, “I have no idea what the fuck is going to happen this year, and anyone who pretends like they do should have their head examined.”
That’s the way most seasons in the NFL work, but I just want to reiterate that this year, it’s going to get messy (or so I think…). And Week 1 is just the beginning with it’s “Who-the-fuck-am-I-supposed-to-pick-in-that-game?” slate of games.
Picks in BOLD and Italics
Minnesota @ New Orleans
New Orleans returns the majority of their lineup from last year’s championship team, and will be very tough to beat at home on the night they raise a Super Bowl banner to the rafters. Drew Brees is one of the league’s best signal callers, and Head Coach Sean Payton still call plays for one of the league’s most dangerous offenses. Minnesota led the league last year with 48 sacks, but only racked up 11 interceptions. That’s a pretty weird stat for a team with such a dominant pass rush, so it makes you really wonder how effective that Minnesota secondary really is. But Brees is one of the best when facing pressure and should carve up the Vikings’ secondary with precision in the intermediate passing game against their Cover-2 scheme (the same defence that Brees carved up in the Super Bowl against the Colts…). The Vikings are probably still choked over last year’s loss in the epic NFC Championship game, and Brett Favre is back for one last shot with those purple-wearing losers. The Vikes still have weapons in the passing game at their disposal despite the loss of WR Sidney Rice with WR Percy Harvin and TE Visanthe Shiancoe, and they still have one of the leagues best runningbacks in Adrian Peterson. Is Favre going to get a little too excited? Is he going to deviate from the gameplan? Are the ballhawks in the Saints’ secondary going to be all over that? It’s going to be a heck of a game to kick off the year, but I think the Saints pick up right where they left off.
Cleveland @ Tampa Bay
I’m not really sure what to expect from this game besides a whole lot of crap. Cleveland has gone through a little bit of a makeover this offseason after Mike Holmgren came in as the new President of the Browns. The Mangenius is still around with the headset but the Browns have a new look at quarterback with Jake Delhomme. Ouch. Tampa Bay spent two high draft picks on defensive tackles in hopes of improving one of the league’s worst run defences from last year, but the majority of questions surround the development of their offense with young quarterback Josh Freeman. Both teams have very serious questions at the skill positions and will probably be pretty happy to run the ball and keep things conservative on offense. When in doubt, flip a coin.
Miami @ Buffalo
Miami made some pretty nice upgrades in the offseason on both sides of the ball with the addition of WR Brandon Marshall and LB Karlos Dansby. Marshall should be QB Chad Henne’s favorite target this year, and should continue to punish opposing defensive backs if teams are looking to stop Miami’s run game first. Miami is in year 3 of their switch to a 3-4 defensive scheme, and Dansby should definitely help improve the LB unit who will be relied on to make plays. Buffalo still has a whole bunch of problems all over the field, except in the secondary. Last year the Bills ranked 2nd in pass defence and 2nd in INTs. The first stat may be skewed slightly due to the fact that the Bills couldn’t stop the run last year, ranking 30th in that category. One could argue that teams didn’t throw on the Bills because they didn’t have to. Actually, if that was the case, then I think being 2nd in INT is actually even more impressive with reduced opportunities. The Bills will still have problems stopping the run this year (Kyle Williams as your NT is not very inspiring…trust me…I have him on my team in Madden ‘11…) and Miami will probably be patient with Chad Henne early on and run, run, run, with some short and play action passes. I don’t think it’s a secret how a team should attack the Bills, and I don’t particularly think it’ll be that difficult this season. Cincinnati @ New England T-O! T-O! The Bengals are definitely this year’s most interesting team to watch, and I love their defence. The problem is that I hate their first matchup of the year having to go to Gillette Stadium and take on New England. If you watched any of the preseason, Tom Brady’s got that ‘perma-pissed-off’ look on his face and last year’s embarrassing exit in the playoffs against Baltimore surely has left a sour taste in his mouth. Pissed off Tom and Contract-Year Randy Moss might mean fireworks for the Patriots’ offense this year. The Bengals are going to go as far as the arm of Carson Palmer will take them, and with the schedule they have this year, they better hope it gets a lot better than it looked in preseason. This one ought to be close, but it’s tough to bet against Belichek in Week 1 at home.
Indianapolis @ Houston
Last year when I picked Houston to win games that they were supposed to win, they lost, and when they were supposed to lose or it was iffy, they won. So I don’t know what to do with the Texans this year. Picking Indianapolis all year was great until they pissed away their chance at a perfect season *cough* wankers…*cough* but at least they were easy to pick. And there’s not really much to say about either team that’s much different from last year. The Colts are still the Colts, and the Texans are still the Texans, but with what appears to be an improved running game. The mess at halfback seems to be sorted out with the promotion of RB Arian Foster to the starting role. Actually, the defensive line has looked improved as well (Mario Williams is a beast) and the linebackers are developing nicely with Brian Cushing and Demeco Ryans. Oh, and Matt Schaub passed for enough yards last season for it to be a Top-10 all time performance for a single season. Oh, and they still have arguably the league’s best WR in Andre Johnson…I always do this. I always talk myself into these guys. I want to take the Texans here. I really do. Then I get visions of Sage Rosenfels flying in the air like a helicopter, and Peyton Manning slinging it all over the field with ease…And then I realize I’m taking way too many road teams this week and think, “F*ck it. It’s Week 1 baby!!”
Denver @ Jacksonville
Losing Elvis Dumervil for the season is really going to hurt the Broncos (especially in this game because I was sure that he would crack David Garrard for at least five ‘He-Got-Jacked-Up‘ type sacks), but the personnel of the Jags has more holes than a…than a…(Keep it PG…Keep it PG) GOLF COURSE! Do I really have to pick this game? I mean, really? Does anybody know who is running the ball for the Broncos? Is Knowshon Moreno going to be ready for this game? Are we going to see Tim Tebow aka Jesus Christ on the field? Is anyone else concerned with the reports regarding Maurice Jones-Drew’s knee?? Can the Jags sell their home opener out? Does anyone really care? I don’t.
Atlanta @ Pittsburgh
If the Falcons want to be in the hunt for the wildcard this year, this is a game they are going to have to take advantage of. Without Ben Roethlisberger behind center for 4 games, the Falcons caught a break on the schedule by getting their game at Heinz Field plotted in Week 1. I think the Falcons have just enough weapons and a hungry enough defense to win this game. The Steelers are going to struggle to run the football if the Falcons load up the box and challenge Dennis Dixon at QB, so is home field and one of the league’s best defensive units going to be enough for Steel Town? They better hope so, because with games @ Tennessee, @ Tampa Bay, and home to Baltimore in the next 3 weeks, they might be heading into the bye week 1-3.
Oakland @ Tennessee
Don’t laugh, but the Raiders are getting better. It’s going to take a little bit of time, but this is going to be one of this year’s cover teams. Last year they played in a lot of close games, beat some good teams, and that was with JaMarcus Russell at QB. Yes, THAT JaMarcus Russell. So why not pick them here? Well, as much as Jason Campbell is going to improve the passing game (addition by subtraction at the very least), it’s not going to be where they want it to be (power running with a deep play action passing attack to use their speedsters on the outside) right away. It’s going to take a little time. Not to mention the injury to RB Michael Bush doesn’t help matters either. Plus, this team had trouble stopping the run last year, and even though a rumoured move to the 3-4 better suits their personnel, they are facing Chris Johnson this week. Yes, THAT Chris Johnson. Did I also mention that the Raiders are 6.5-point underdogs this week (the second highest of the week)? Not to mention they are on the road, and Jeff Fischer is one of the best Head Coaches in the NFL. The importance of coaching, game planning, and execution can never be overstated in the NFL, and even though I may have gone the other way if this game was later in the year, I can’t take the Raiders this week. Can’t do it.
Carolina @ New York Giants
Carolina’s like a box of chocolates: You know how that one goes. Most people know that I have a huge man crush on RB Jonathan Stewart, and love the way that Carolina runs the football, but I’m not a fan of lame duck coaches (John Fox), inexperienced quarterbacks (Matt Moore) with high draft pick rookie quarterbacks (Jimmy Clausen) nipping at their heels, and games on the road against pissed off teams who can be dangerous when healthy (the G-Men). The Giants’ defensive line is healthy, Eli Manning actually had a little bit of “the look” (as much as I hate to admit it) last year, and WR Hakeen Nicks is a stud in the making. So I’m not taking Carolina, and Vegas doesn’t think you should either (Currently, the Panthers are this week’s biggest underdogs at +7.5).
Detroit @ Chicago
Has anyone watched these teams in the preseason? I have, because I’m a Bears fan. They look like absolute garbage. The offensive line looks terrible, Jay Cutler is going to get killed and probably miss time at some point this season, and the secondary has the pleasure of facing Aaron Rodgers, Brett Favre, and quickly-improving gunslinger Matthew Stafford a total of 6 times this year combined. Uhhhh, eeep! But can I really take the Lions in Soldier Field? When Vegas has them as the other 6.5-point dogs for the week like the Raiders? Help me Mike Singletary. Help me.
Arizona @ St. Louis
See, now this is an interesting game. I honestly have no idea what to do here. I know that the Rams are going to really suck, but this is the NFL right? They may as well have me lining up at split end to catch passes, but they do have one of the best runningbacks in the game in Steven Jackson and while he may be a rookie quarterback, Sam Bradford has looked great in the preseason. Oh Kurt Warner, why did you have to leave? But, road team or not, I am not betting against Larry Fitzgerald against whoever the hell is in the St. Louis secondary. And yes, I don’t care that Derek Anderson is throwing him the ball either. He’s Larry f*ckin’ Fitzgerald.
Green Bay @ Philadelphia
Last year, when the Arizona Cardinals beat Green Bay in the playoffs after that epic game of Tecmo Bowl, I said to my brother “The Packers are going to the SuperBowl next year, mark it down.” Then the steam started to pick up during the offseason. Then the ‘experts’ started talking about the Packers, and Aaron Rodgers began to look unstoppable in preseason, and Jermichael Finley was skyrocketing up fantasy football draft boards, and everyone started creaming in their pants over the possibilities and potential of their offense. And then…the tires came to a screeching halt. Wait a second. Could this team be getting hyped way too much? They were 11-5 last year, with an easy schedule, and managed to still do what they did with a turnover differential of -24? Are they overvalued? Or am I just looking for reasons to pick a Packers loss at Philly this week? Am I reading too many articles on gambling? I mean, with the strength of the NFC East, Philly needs to win games like these at home, right? Right? I look forward to being able to use Charlie Murphy’s famous “Wrong! Wrong!” next week. Stay tuned.
San Francisco @ Seattle
What did the 5 fingers say to the face? SLAP! That’s exactly what the 49ers are going to do to the Seachickens this week. Patrick Willis might even send Matt Hasselbeck into an early retirement. Not even joking. That man is scary. Dallas @ Washington Yes, the Cowboys looked like crap in the preseason. Yes, the Redskins will be better with Donovan McNabb at QB this year. But folks, for teams like the Cowboys, preseason football is like a dry jerk: It’s useless. Besides, the Cowboys can’t be dropping games like this if they want to play in the SuperBowl this year in The House That Jerry Built! Aaaaand watch them lose and Cowboy Nation go into Panic-Mode. I’ve seen crazier things.
Baltimore @ New York Jets
Two words: Statement game. If there has been a bigger hype-train than the one that’s been picking up passengers riding Baltimore heading into this season, then it‘s the one carrying passengers riding the New York Jets. For Rex Ryan and his boys, it’s time to stop talking, and see if they can live up to the hype. Good news: Darelle Revis is signed and ready to go. For the Ravens, the offense will have to pick up a little bit of the slack for the decline in their aging defence. The strength of this defence comes from its front seven, but there are questions in the secondary with cornerback depth and the absence of Ed Reed. But it’s not like the Jets can throw the ball anyways, right? It’s a great game to kickoff a double-header on Monday Night Football, and I think the Ray-Ray-Train is calling my name.
San Diego @ Kansas City
The Chiefs suck and the Chargers’ offense is looking like it’s in midseason form. Kansas City coach Todd Haley might actually be giving more touches to Thomas Jones when he should be going with Jamaal Charles all day. Matt Cassel’s time would be better utilized by signing over weekly royalty cheques to the Patriots for his payday last year, because he sucks. Things are getting a little better in Kansas City, but this team really has no identity, partially because after more than a year already their Head Coach still hasn’t decided on his. I really hope I don’t have to justify this pick any further. But just in case, let me reiterate: The Chiefs suck.
Edit:This article and Deacon’s other non-football writing can be found at his website here
Author: Nonpopulist Published: September 8th, 2010
The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the AFC East.
Why the Miami Dolphins will suck this year:
The Miami Dolphins appear poised to make a run at winning the division title in the AFC East this year. One problem, they are starting a flash in the pan quarterback (Chad Henne) while a proven veteran (Chad Pennington) will begin the year on the bench. Also, the Dolphins’ offense will still rely heavily on the wildcat single wing. Not that there is anything wrong with the single wing, except it’s for pussies. Henne will falter despite the kool-aid people are currently drinking after his impressive run of performances to end last season. The big free agent splash made by the Brandon Marshall signing will have little to no impact considering this team will try to run the ball behind an aging Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown who is recovering from injury. Yeh, this is your year Dolphins’ fans. *mouth fart* Prediction: 8-8
Why the New York Jets will suck this year:
The hype machine can not produce a much bigger snowball than the New York Jets have rolling right now. Lost in the Hard Knocks hoopla is the fact the Jets have a one-sided offense. Mark Sanchez can not be relied upon for anything other than handing the ball off to Shonn Greene and hopefully not Ladainian Tomlinson. What a relief that Darrelle Revis finally signed a contract extension and is finally practicing with the team. But wait, he’s not in football shape. He missed all of training camp, the preseason, and hasn’t been hitting anyone. That makes for a likely early season injury. I’m thinking he will have something with his hamstring that will hang around all year. The Jets are bound to disappoint this year. Prediction: 9-7
Why the New England Patriots will suck this year:
I predict the series of lackluster seasons for the Patriots will continue this year. It’s awfully hard to win games in the National Football League when you can’t cheat to win. Wouldn’t you agree, Bill Belichick? Belichick, the NFL’s Eddie Guerrero (RIP) already has a depleted secondary to start the year. The hole left by departing defensive veterans such as Brushy, Vrabel, Rodney Harrison, Asante Samuel, and Richard Seymour won’t be as bad as last year, but they are still lacking in talent. Randy Moss isn’t happy. He doesn’t feel wanted since he hasn’t been offered a big new contract. Does he want Robert Kraft to come read him a damn bedtime story too? And maybe stick two fingers in his vagina? Randy Moss isn’t a locker room cancer when he’s unhappy. He’s locker room necrotic tissue. He just shuts down, shrivels up and dies. Ask the Vikings and the Raiders. That’s all this team needs to be successful this year- a distraction on top of lacking talent. And Tom Brady has gone soft. There, I said it. Predcition 5-11
Why the Buffalo Bills will suck this year:
The Bills have a new coach, Chan Gailey, and with a name like Gailey you know he has to be good at football. The Bills are going to be at the bottom of this division for some time. They have two very talented running backs in Fred Jackson and the rookie C.J. Spiller, and then they have Marshawn Lynch. What’s up with that dude? I know he has a minor injury right now, but does it seem to anyone besides me that he is fading out of existence like somebody messed up in Back to the Future? Trent Edwards can be a decent quarterback, but the offensive line will not give him a chance to succeed. There is some talent on defense, but not enough to make a difference in their division. Prediction 3-13
Author: Nonpopulist Published: September 7th, 2010
The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the AFC North.
Why the Baltimore Ravens will suck this year:
In this picture, Terrence Cody’s eyes say, “If you want to play with the pancake titties you need to buy them dinner first.”
But seriously, I think he’s going to be a good NFL player.
The Ravens are the sexy pick to win the division, but when I look at the Ravens I struggle to find something sexy. Joe Flacco’s unibrow? Maybe. Half of the Ravens’ defense is aging. The bright spots to me are Ngata and the rookie Terrence “Mountain of Pancakes Titties” Cody. Ray Lewis at this point is a semi-soft blob floating around the field and making contact with slower running backs. He still gets fired up, though? Right, Raven fan? I find it laughable that people are thinking the Raven’s offense will be “potent” this year. Ha, the Ravens haven’t even been able to get an offensive semi that I can remember, much less get fully erect. Don’t put all your eggs in one Ray Rice basket either. He is on every defensive coordinator’s gaydar radar this year.
Why the Cincinnati Bengals will suck this year:
This is one of the easier ones to hate on. Carson Palmer is still not the same from his knee injury a few years ago. Hey Carson, why do you think Brett Favre hot steps quickly backwards after every pass he throws? Because he knows people will inadvertently be at his knees to tear his MCL, PCL, ACL, vagina, or all 4. Why, Carson, do you think he has so many consecutive starts? Regardless of Palmer getting hurt again, he is still sailing passes over his receivers heads’ because he does not trust his plant foot after getting hurt last time. Why do you think there’s such a commitment to the run in Cincy? Many people point to Terrell Owens as a potential detriment to the team? Are you serious? You’re blowing my mind with this fucking analysis. He was even suspended one time for “conduct detrimental to the team?” Wow. I don’ think T.O. will blow up this year. Maybe next year, but not this year. He still drops a lot of passes that are thrown his way. That can hurt a team.
Why the Pittsburgh Steelers will suck this year:
The Steelers will not have Ben Rothlisberger for the first 4 games of the season. Then they have a bye week. Then Big Ben is back. Say what you will about Ben, but the team runs through his holding-on-to-the-ball-too-long-ass. If I was a Steeler’s fan I would not be able to stand watching Ben Rothlisberger play. Let’s leave the off-the-field stuff alone, Ben’s dancing around in the “pocket” waiting for receivers to uncover causes him to get hit a lot and the offense to stall. He’s a little like Barry Sanders. When Barry Sanders was playing he would sometimes break huge runs, but often he would get caught behind the line of scrimmage because he was dancing around instead of hitting a hole. I’m not saying either Barry Sanders or Big Ben are bad players. In fact, I believe the opposite. I think that if both players’ habits were changed they would be that much greater. Oh, and Rashard “Fumble-the-ball” Mendenhall is the #1 RB. He’s not good. Did you like that nickname? Yeh, you did, you dirty slut. Now touch it.
Why the Cleveland Browns will suck this year:
The quintessential “Aww, peaches!” moment. The picture quality is bad, just like Jake’s playing ability.
We’re talking about the Cleveland Browns here, people. Could anything possibly go right with this organization? Allow me to pile on. Your team is Josh Cribbs. That’s it. How does building a team around one player work out Cleveland. Think about recent history. *cough* Lebron *cough*. And they didn’t even want to pay their best player with a contract commensurate with his skills until they absolutely had to. Jake Delhomme is the quarterback. I can’t really add anything worse than that, but I will try. Delhomme leads the league in saying, “AAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW, PEACHES!!!1!1!!” after interceptions for every year he has been in the league. Jake Delhomme gets intercepted in the Madden video game 5 times a game with the difficulty level on rookie. He will be the death of this team this year.
Author: Nonpopulist Published: September 2nd, 2010
The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. First up, the AFC South.
The Colts had a good season last year. Peyton Manning rallied a young group of rag tag players and went to the Super Bowl but eventually lost to the seemingly predestined New Orleans Saints. Nevermind the reason he has to carry a young rag tag group is because of his exorbitant salary which will soon go up whenever the Colts put together a new deal for him. Manning has one year left on his deal, however, and with negotiations on a new collective bargaining agreement between the NFLPA and NFL owners not moving along at a promising pace Manning may not get another deal before a new CBA is in place. Manning also had surgery in the offseason because his Herman Munster-like neck started to fall apart. Have you never noticed how Peyton looks like Herman Munster’s bastard child? Well now you see it, don’t you? Here is a stat since most of these posts will be pure conjecture. Of the last 11 teams to lose a Super Bowl, eight came back the following year and missed the playoffs. *Sad trombone* Prediction: 9-7
Why the Tennessee Titans will suck this year:
Image via me. I like Nate Washington, though. I bought his Titans’ jersey t-shirt.
This will be simple for me since I am a fan of this team. #1- VINCE YOUNG. Vince has looked good this preseason. This is a smoke screen. Vince completing passes this season is all a ruse so that his subsequent fall will look that much more spectacular. He still does not know how to throw a football. VY cannot put touch on a screen pass either. He throws a screen pass and the running has to duck. If the playbook were anymore dumbed down for Vince he would get everyone in the huddle and say, “Everyone go long.” For running plays he would say, “Snap it to me and I’ll sneak it.”
#2- Chris Johnson- CJ2K’s performance last season was one of the few bright spots the Titans had. 2,000 yards rushing? That is a reason to celebrate, and celebrate Johnson did. The offseason was filled with tweets about “going in” and his “wrist game” being “gone.” I consulted a black person about what some of Johnson had been tweeting meant. After paying what he said was a standard “reparations fee” he explained what some of CJ’s tweets mean. I was way off! I finally had to unfollow Chris Johnson on twitter because it was becoming mostly gibberish. The problem with all of Johnson’s celebrating is I think he forgot to train and stay in shape this offseason. He did not go to one workout at the team facility. I have a sinking feeling he’s going to get injured early on this season. That’s why I have been drafting Javon Ringer late in many fantasy drafts. He’s Chris Johnson’s backup. Without Johnson this is team is crappy. I didn’t even get to the defense. Prediction: 7-9
Why the Houston Texans will suck this year:
The Texans have some good to great offensive players. Matt Schaub is a solid quarterback, and Andre Johnson is arguably the best wide receiver in the game of football. The hype has been hot around this team for a couple of years. Many NFL analysts think this is the year Head Coach Gary Kubiak puts the pieces together and the Texans make the playoffs. Not bloody likely. Schaub and Andre Johnson are injury prone. Owen Daniels, the Texans’ #1 tight end, is still recovering from knee surgery although he is expected to play. The team is relying on a rookie, Arian Foster, to run the football after another rookie they were counting on, Ben Tate, was placed on IR and their other running back, Steve Slaton, can’t get over a chronic case of fumblitis. Yeh, this is the year I see them going to playoffs. Prediciton: 6-10
Why the Jacksonville Jaguars will suck this year:
Come on, they’re the Jaguars. That’s all they know how to do- suck. But seriously, can everyone quit acting like there is some big ticket push the team is committed to? The owner Wayne Weaver and the head coach, Jack Del Rio, have an understanding. This team will be moved to Los Angeles as soon as there is a stadium built for them. Don’t you find it odd that Del Rio has been on the hot seat for about 3 years and not fired yet? There have been about 10,000 seats covered up at the Jaguars stadium for at least 4 years. Del Rio is dogging it, playing possum, whatever you want to call it. The understanding is once the team is able to move to L.A. they will realign the AFC and be able to win the division out west. I predict the AFC South and AFC West will just swap the Kansas City Chiefs and Jacksonville Jaguars. For now the Jaguars are awful, and above is the only logical explanation I can think of for their recent failures. Predicition: 2-14
How did I do in the first round? Nailed the Philly series, came within a 3OT game going the other way of doing the same with the Pittsburgh series, was wrong about the Habs (but did say that the Caps were capable of a Sharkian collapse…)…and let’s not talk about the Bruins. In short, poorly. Now to continue that unparalleled awesomeness, looking at the all too common 4-6-7-8 Eastern Conference Semifinals.
The NFL draft this year was great. I think the three-day format worked, and I heard the ESPN coverage of the first round got a 5.5 share on Thursday night. That’s television-speak for a lot of people watched it. Profootballtalk.com has a report that at least 45.4 million people watched at least a minute of draft coverage. I watched the NFL Network for the whole draft because I value my sanity, and I’m not sure if many people realize it yet, but a new NFL Network star was born on Saturday. Corey Chavous, of the hilariously named Draft Nasty and former NFL player, filled in when Mike Mayock lost his voice on the final day of the draft. Chavous did a good job, and he had knowledge of the picks made way down in the 7th round when it becomes noticeable how quiet the other analysts get from a lack of knowledge. That’s when you hear people at the desk begin to bloviate about teams’ overall drafts, but don’t get too specific because “it’s too early to tell.”
It is not, however, too early to begin laughing at the Broncos for drafting Tim Tebow. God must have come to Coach McDaniels (or should we go ahead and start calling him former head coach) the night before the draft in a vision and told the coach to draft Tebow. That is the only logical scenario I can come up with as to how Tebow got drafted before the third round. I’ve heard of reach picks, but that one was too high for Manute Bol to reach.
The draft always feels like the payoff, the oasis in the desert of the offseason, and my favorite part of the Madden video games is always offseason mode. I always take my time and savor the moments instead of skipping through to rush to the preseason- barf. One thing troubling about the draft this year is now that the draft is over, analysts and prognosticators are shy about giving draft grades. Peter King says he won’t do draft grades. What’s wrong Peter King? Brett Favre made fun of you for doing draft grades one time, and it hurt your feelings? Adam Schefter, grow a pair and grade the draft. Colin Cowherd won’t grade a team’s draft. He will only grade a teams entire offseason and the first and maybe second round pick in the draft. I thought you had some conviction, Colin.
What these other sports journalists and commentators lack, Mel Kiper Jr. has in spades, balls. He doesn’t cut and run from his scouting. He gives grades no matter how far his beloved Jimmy Clausen slid down the draft board. Kiper realizes the teams aren’t going to grade themselves and need someone from the outside keeping them accountable for when they screw up by not listening to him. Kiper giving grades has inspired me to also let my nuts hang out and hand out some grades, no analysis, though. Grades only! You don’t like it? Well, sir, these colors don’t run. Watch out because Vampire Kiper has my back as I see if my nuts hang to the floor.
Keep in mind this list is very subjective. That does not make it in any way less ballsy.
Arizona Cardinals: C+
Atlanta Falcons: B+
Baltimore Ravens: A-
Buffalo Bills: Participant (more…)
The Gally Blog will be having a live blog draft party beginning around 7:15 PM EST/ 6:15 PM CST. Come drink and hate with us. At least when your team bumbles their pick you will be able to curse them somewhere of public record. Logic and Nonpopulist will be your hosts with all of your Gally Blog favorites stopping by. Bring a friend and some booze, mooch.
The third installment (picks 22-32): Can you feel the NFL draft fever heating up? Oooohhhh, it burns when I pee! We here at The Gally Blog decided to pool our knowledge and do a mock draft for you, the reader. Sure, we could have started doing mock drafts right after Alabama won the national championship, but it is MUCH easier to wait until everyone else does a mock draft so we can cheat off of other people’s work compare notes. In case you missed it, Part 1 is here and part 2 is here.
22. Patriots- Nonpopulist: Sergio Kindle, LB, Texas. Has the Patriots defense been a sham for enough years to make commentators stop talking about it yet? Sergio has a nice name and is a good pass rushing LB. They’ll be lucky to still get him here because I have seen Kindle going higher in a few mock drafts. Gally: What are you talking about? The Pats defense has that guy. You know, Richard Seymour. Oh, well what about Teddy Bruschi? He had a stroke? Seriously? Well what about that guy, or you know that other guy?
K-Gun: Hey! Sergio! You’ve gotta get us outta here and so I say hey, Sergio! It’s gettin’ kinda hot in here and so I say hey. [horns] [oioioi]
23. Packers- PJDiaries: Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers. As a Vikings fan, writing about the Packers is easy. They need to draft everything because they suck! Teehee! This is also where WisconsinRob and I fight. Anyway, the main focus for the worst team ever at this pick was determined by their gang bang in the Arizona playoff game where Kurt Warner threw for 7000 yards and their offensive line blacked out on the last play where Erin was sacked. Oline and defensive back field help became the focus. It’s all pretty fresh, but since you can’t draft for two needs at once (unless the dude swings both ways, amirite?!) the Packers take the better player available to help their oline or DBs and that’s Devin McCourty, the CB from Rutgers. Charles Brown, the OT from USC is an option here but I don’t buy it especially when you still have that gaping vagina Al Harris on your team. You have to replace him soon. Gally: yeah, it’s a pretty weak year for top notch o-lineman this year, so they may as well upgrade their secondary. Even Wisconsin Rob would agree here.
24. Eagles- Logic: Taylor Mays. S, USC. The Eagles might be calling this season a wash and rebuilding with their young skill players. I see an upgrade on defense in their future. Too bad their fans can’t upgrade their class, or SAT scores. PJD: Wow, I didn’t even know that people hated Philly fans so much. I would like to subscribe to your brochure of hate.
25. Ravens- Nonpopulist: Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee. This pick is a toss-up between defensive line and tight end. The Ravens have a mostly aging defensive line, and not even God knows what kind of season Todd Heap is going to have. Tight end is also one of the most likely positions from which teams can get good production right away. Dan Williams next to Ngata scares me, frankly. Gally: Everson Griffen is also a valid choice right now. If you look at their roster right now, they don’t have a single guy listed as a strict DE. All of them are LB/DE combos. Even in the 3-4 though, you need a big strong DE. Griffen did 32 reps, is 6’4″ 273 and runs a 4.65 40. Seems like he could be a good fit for them.
26. Cardinals- Gally: Terrence Cody, DT, Alabama. I know you’re thinking they need a QB other than Matt Leinhart and Derek Anderson, but shouldn’t we give them a year before we throw them in the woodchipper? There’s also that Roethlisberger guy who might still be on the market at the trade deadline. They really need a MLB here, but there’s none rated high enough to take at this point of the draft and the 1st round quality safeties are gone by this point in time. It might be a stretch to take Cody this early, but I saw him play in way too many games for a Northern Canadian last year. All I got was SEC games and I know Cody is a beast. He’s fallen on some boards due to conditioning and thoughts that he’s only a 2 down type of guy, but if he dominates those two downs who the hell cares.
Can you feel the NFL draft fever heating up? Oooohhhh, it burns when I pee! We here at The Gally Blog decided to pool our knowledge and do a mock draft for you, the reader. Sure, we could have started doing mock drafts right after Alabama won the national championship, but it is MUCH easier to wait until everyone else does a mock draft so we can cheat off of other people’s work compare notes. In case you missed it, Part 1 is here.
11. Broncos (From Bears)- Gally: Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech. This team is berefit of receivers and tight ends that are able to catch the ball. With the trades of Brandon Marshall and Tony Scheffler, old neckbeard has no receiving safety blankets. They were weak defending the run last year, but with the top two DT’s already taken I think they trade down so they can take TE Rob Gronkowski or WR Demaryius Thomas. Having said that and this being a mock draft, not mock season sim with trade capabilities on the PS3, they take the best player on the board. Georgia Tech DE Derrick Morgan. Nonpopulist: Hey, my name’s Josh McDaniels, and I can win with anyone. I don’t need elite players. Do you know who I am? I coached under Bill freaking Belichick, Now marvel at my drafting cock.
Yeah, this is a preview. I was kidnapped by banditos and forced to impregnate all their senoritas because apparently riding horses across the Mexican frontier renders one sterile absolutely buried with real life shit. Apologies to my horde of regular readers. So there’s even more content here because I can look back and analyze what I thought would happen, which will appear in italics. Sadly, it doesn’t appear like my beloved Wild will win the Cup this year. So here’s a look at the Western Conference.
