HBO’s True Blood has garnered a reputation as one of television’s raciest shows, and rightfully so: It’s rife with copious amounts of sex graphically depicted on screen (that last line almost sounds more at home in a letter written by an angry mom to the network). Not just any old sex, either: There’s chicks screwing vampires, guys screwing vampires, vampires screwing each other (this scene of Vampire Bill banging another vampire is possibly the most unintentionally funny thing ever put to film), dudes banging dudes, dude vampires banging dude vampires…you get my point.
The one place the show has played things strangely conservatively, however, is with the various shape-shifters that inhabit the show. There are werewolves, werepanthers, weredogs (I’m still holding my breath for a werewhale), yet any time they’re shown getting it on, it is invariably in human form. As the French say, “Le WTF!” You’re telling me that, if you had the power to turn into a wolf at will, you wouldn’t morph into one mid-coitus as a joke to freak out a girlfriend you were about to dump? Any time I see the shape-shifting Sam Merlotte getting some, the thought of him delivering the line “How about some real doggiestyle?” with a straight face right before he morphs into a canine consumes me. So how about it, HBO? You ready to give me my 15-dollars-a-month’s worth? Ya stinkin’ puritans…
Poor Brett Favre. His adventures in reproductive organ image transference appear to have gone horribly awry, and now everyone in the world (including his wife!) knows about it. So where did he go wrong? Well, that’s why I’m here to help today. With the WSR method, you too can successfully send dong pictures to unsuspecting women (or men, Gally)!
1) Be in the same age range.
Brett’s first mistake was sending pictures to someone half his age. They’re going to be disgusted by it, unless you’re Roger Sterling. Really, the only way you should be sending cock shots to anyone who isn’t within about 3-5 years of your age is if it’s a woman who’s about 15-20 years older than you. But for this piece, we’re not going to get into advanced technique.
2) Timing is everything.
Once you’ve got the right target, you need to pick the right time. Realistically, you need to know when they’re going to want to be looking at a phallus. That’s why I recommend sending your picture at between 12:45 am and 2 am on a Friday or Saturday. She’ll probably be out drinking, and that’s the ideal time to strike. Whatever you do, don’t send some picture on a Monday afternoon of you manhandling yourself while sitting around wearing just a pair of crocs.
3) Make sure you have the right equipment.
Really, the last and most important thing is the one you probably have no control over. If you can take a picture of your junk and you don’t need to lean back to get it all in the frame, you’re too small. Delete the picture, and forget everything else you read here.
If you follow these easy steps, you too can embarrass yourself for one and only one person. But any mistake with any of these steps could lead to national infamy.
Last month, I coughed up for HBO in order to watch True Blood without the hassles of tracking down each episode online the day after it broadcast. (Incidentally, who are these guys that record and immediately upload shows to the net? You do the Lord’s work, but damn, get out of the house and touch a titty once in a while.) True Blood quickly proved itself to be lackluster this season, and I was about to shut off HBO until my brother came upon Eastbound and Down being offered as an on-demand selection. We were both immediately hooked.
Eastbound tells the tale of Kenny Powers, a washed-up MLB pitcher who returns home but still acts like, to quote Mr. Show, “King Shit of Fuck Mountain.” It’s dirty as hell, extremely funny and contains a surprising amount of pathos that have made it one of my favorite comedies. Sadly, the new season isn’t due out for another few months (Kenny flees south and starts playing ball for a Mexican team. Sounds great already), but Funny or Die has seen fit to release this short of Kenny Powers landing an endorsement deal to tide fans over in the meantime. Enjoy!
[Edit: Papa G is new around these here parts and will be creating original content for us as well as sharing posts from his site, In Papas Basement, so be nice to him, or treat him like the rest of the staff. Whatever.]
I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that some of you folks like TV. I know I shouldn’t assume, but I’m already an ass so I think I’m covered. I’m also going to guess that a sizeable number of you are kind of nerdy, not that it’s a bad thing. Well, in the early halcyon days of TV known as the 1990-’s 2000′s, Fox broadcasting was the be all end all master of creating quirky, unique and interesting television. Fox was also the demonic lord of not giving any of these shows a chance to succeed, and therefore canceling them immediately.
One of these aforementioned shows was Firefly. It was a western set in space, yeah you’re already pumped up if you’ve never heard of it. It came from the mind of Joss Whedon and starred the incomparable Nathan Fillion, a largely unknown Adam Baldwin and future nerd crush, Summer Glau. Part of the problem* was that the opening credits didn’t kick enough ass or sell what the soul of the show was. If Firefly had been an 80′s creation, that likely would have not been an issue. The folks at io9 decided that they would retroactively redo the opening credits, in a way that allowed the show to bask in its awesome glory. So sit back, take a hit of your best mescaline and enjoy.
That. That video was amazing. It is the greatest thing that mankind has or ever will accomplish. Sadly, Simon Tam was left out of the credits due to time constraints. Don’t fret though my pretties, I’ve included a bonus Simon Tam credit and the original lame Firefly credits for your enjoyment below. (more…)
WhiteSpeedReceiver Says: ”Why would anyone in England want to look at Landycakes?”
August 13th, 2008, 3:49 pm
I’m stupid, you’re smart. I was wrong, you were right. You’re the best, I’m the worst. You’re very good-looking, I’m not attractive.
That was just one of many times over the past few years I’ve shared my opinion of Landycakes. Hell, I own this shirt. It really took a turn after his, ahem, “performance” in Germany in 2006. It took me a little while to come around, but he’s been simply astounding for the past year or two. Once again, sorry Landycakes.
It’s summer. Everyone is looking to shed those pounds and get to the beach. Well…at least stand around in a park with their shirt off drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon. I mean, that’s exactly what I want to do. It’s a shame that we all didn’t start in January like we said and kept the weight off all winter. Nope. Winter means baggy clothes and hoodies. Perfect fat camouflage. I’m not even one to judge. I was a sexy beast in the fall. I’m a little doughy right now. I haven’t been to the beach yet. I’m nervous.
Some of you have been asking me ways to get skinny. Dieting tips, work out plans, cocaine dealers, etc. Well, all that is great but the problem is, it’s BORING. Working out is pretty boring. And long. And redundant. Eating healthy is even worse than that! Look at Drew not only is he not as funny, but he looks lifeless behind his eyes in that after picture. Well, actually he looks like Steve Zahn but that’s neither here nor there.
I think I created the best diet of all time. It has everything. It’s healthy. It’s purging. It’s cleansing. It has cheating. Most of all, it going to be fucking awesome.
Author: Jared Allens Mullet Published: May 28th, 2010
Jared and I in happier times.
Hey y’all, Mullet here. Just thought I’d check in, in light of the news. If you haven’t heard yet, Jared and I have split ways. In the name of “love”, he decided we should split. Why? Well that whore of his, has gotten in the way. They’re getting married, so as a measure of good will and I’m being told for the sake of the wedding pictures, he decided to split up with me.
In other words, my demise has been greatly exaggerated. I lived without that dick for many years, and I can do so again. I will take this time to make myself stronger and better than ever. No more side gigs as Hugh Hefner and Lindsay Lohan’s merkin. No longer will I take on the role of Phil Spector’s bizarre wannabe afro. Fuck that noise. I will survive on my own with or without the excessive use of ludes and horse tranquilizers. I would like to thank the guys at Tauntr for eulogizing me. Misguided as it was.
Hey guys, did you know the NBA playoffs are going on right now? I barely did and I’m a lofty sports blogger, derp. Well, the NBA has a new commercial series that seems very similar to a NHL campaign. Simmons would go all conspiracy theorist here with his Gary Bettman is a plant crap, but I’m not going to go in that direction. I’m guessing they saw the good press the NHL got for it’s past ad campaigns, and its current History Will Be Made campaign and paid the same ad agency to do something similar. I could be wrong though, but I don’t have the time or skill to do any research. Well, DJ Steve Porter saw some of these commercials and did what he does best, autotune them and turn them into songs.
The “of the day” part implies that I’m going to do this everyday. Fat chance, this was my first ever photoshop, and I don’t think I have a knack for it yet. If you don’t get the picture, go to (more…)
As most of the NFL-aware public knows by now Brian Cushing, linebacker for the Houston Texans and winner of Defensive Rookie of the Year last year, tested positive for a banned substance last September and will be suspended for the first four games of the coming NFL season. After much cajoling reports have surfaced the substance for which he tested positive is none other than hCG. You may remember hCG from other stories such as Jose Canseco getting caught trying to cross the Mexican border into the United States with the substance back in 2008 and that being the substance that got Manny Ramirez suspended for 50 games in the 2009 MLB season. hCG is a masking agent (should that “h” be capitalized?) that is used to basically reboot your balls after a steroid cycle. The substance reportedly restores testicular size and restores normality to the testosterone production levels in the body. Something new that has been reported by Profootballtalk and others is that the substance is naturally occurring in the body and can be at an elevated level shortly after ejaculation. So let’s play that scenario out. Cushing is minding his own business, getting head at the club, finishes with the fine young lady or himself or however he gets down. Then he gets a call from an NFL drug test person that he needs to pee in a cup posthaste. He does the test, all the while thinking he’s clean. Little did he know… So are we now going to see an outbreak of abstinence in the NFL after the fact that ejaculating could possibly cause a positive drug test? But who will rape our women and young children then? Who?(more…)
