Fuck ‘em up Friday is a weekly post that occurs, you guessed it, every Friday. Bringing you some of the best knockouts, submissions, and knockers that the inter-webs have to offer. It’s basically my way of glorifying violence, as well as giving in to the urges of my pre-pubescent inner child. Yeah, that’s how I roll.
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The Yankees/Red Sox rivalry. An embittered rivalry so intense and so American that it makes the race wars of the 80s look like a neighborhood quarrel over property line landscaping. Both Yankees and Sox fans will smugly go into ungodly detail about their World Championships and All Star players.
And just for kicks take two overly boisterous (ie loud and drunk) Yankees and Sox fans, put them together, and you’ll definitely be in for a show. Think of it like watching two Chinese Fighting Fish (ie Betta fish) go at it to the death, but much drunker and with way funnier and more obnoxious accents.
So when I hear about an incident involving a Yankees fan, a Red Sox fan, and a dispute over a team shirt I’m really none too surprised. But when I come to find out it involves a child (Yankees fan), a teacher (Red Sox fan), and the child having to turn his Yankees t-shirt inside out I have to step back for a second and go “WTF?” Well that and pour myself another whiskey and diet, but enough about me.
Van Buren Elementary fourth-grader Nathan Johns thought his teacher was kidding when he instructed him to go to the bathroom and turn his Yankees T-shirt inside out.
The blue shirt read “New York No. 52” on the front and “Sabathia” for the New York Yankees’ pitcher CC Sabathia, on the back.
Listen kid making you put your shirt on inside out would have been the least of your problems if the Red Sox fan in question was a priest and not your teacher. It would have added a whole new meaning to the term “squeeze play.” Besides it was a shirtzee. He did you a favor. You think the bullies were giving you shit for your shirt being inside out. How do you think they would have reacted if they knew you were wearing a shirtzee? Besides the hurt and the pain you experienced as a result of this incident will pale in comparison to the feeling of disappointment you’ll experience after the Yankees choke in the playoffs. Hey, I may not follow baseball, but I’m up on my Schadenfreude.
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This is my weekly section where I will bring you topics from the sporting world (obscure or otherwise) that “I Don’t Get”. I’ll either discover the legitimacy of something thought absurd, or further exploit the sheer stupidity of it all. This week I bring you…
Bob Costas Looks Like a Mountain Lion.
The extent to which Bob Costas looks like a mountain lion baffles and infuriates me. My obsession with this is to the point where I’m deeply disturbed every time I have to look at him, and can’t look without thinking about it.
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Fuck ‘em up Friday is a weekly post that occurs, you guessed it, every Friday. Bringing you some of the best knockouts, submissions, and knockers that the inter-webs have to offer. It’s basically my way of glorifying violence, as well as giving in to the urges of my pre-pubescent inner child. Yeah, that’s how I roll.
Popularity: 1% [?]
This is my weekly section where I will bring you topics from the sporting world (obscure or otherwise) that “I Don’t Get”. I’ll either discover the legitimacy of something thought absurd, or further exploit the sheer stupidity of it all. This week I bring you…
Minnesota Roller Girls – Minnesota’s Foremost Roller Derby Squad
When I happened across a 3-day tournament called “Brawl of America”, I was stunned to see it was for A FREAKING ROLLER DERBY. In an arena. Really??? Okay, number one…this is like, a full-fledged event complete with judges’ panel, referees, and lighting. So my friend and I go in and these girls are doing laps like an Indy race, only on skates. People are cheering and yelling and going crazy, but to me it just looks like a big cluster-F of roller skates, helmets and booty shorts. Oh yes, they battle in booty shorts.
After about 15 minutes of not knowing what in God’s name we were witnessing, we get a program and then it all makes sense. The scoop is that they have teams made up of: (1) Jammer, wears a star helmet and scores the points; (3) Blockers, wears a plain helmet and…DUH; and (1) Pivot, wears a striped helmet and organizes the pack and calls “plays”. Basically all you really need to know is that once the Jammer gets out in front of everyone, one of the refs spots her and she scores points by lapping everyone. There are various penalties a girl can be dealt i.e. cutting the track, elbowing, what-have-you. If a girl gets too many she gets sent to the penalty box. So the moral of that story is, if you jack a girl in the face you’ll get put on time-out (but it would make for great entertainment).
One of the cool things is that they have sweet names like Harmony Killerbruise, Hannabelle Lecter, Jackie Daniels, Venus Thightrap, and Tone Loco – to name a few. The bout we made it to was for 9th/10th Place (Oh yeah, that’s how I roll. Watchin’ it when it counts!), and it was the Minnesota Roller Girls vs. Grand Raggidy Roller Girls hailing from Grand Rapids, Michigan. I tried to keep a play-by-play after I figured out what was going on, but it’s mostly just the two teams trading off the lead.
The sweet parts are when say, one girl hip checks an opponent and the girl goes flying across the floor for like 15 feet and hits the people sitting along the track. Then there was big drama when all of a sudden Jackie Daniels is spinning out of control and she crashes down on the sideline in front of us. The medic rushes out, her coach comes rushing over, and they’re all trying to figure out what was going on…turns out one of the trucks on her skate broke. Ohhhhh! So much drama in the M-S-P (that’s the airport code for Minneapolis-St. Paul, people). Anyway, my Minnesota Roller Girls threw it down and finished 91-75. That’s how we do!
After their bout, we kind of hung around to see if I could get pictures with some of the girls. Luckily I spotted one of the Minnesota Roller Girls “It” Girls, Jammer #109, Psycho Novia.
First of all, she is freaking TINY and ADORABLE. Not the kind of girl you’d expect to be out there checking/being checked/potentially losing teeth. She asked if we were going to try out for the team. I laughed. Or chortled (God, that is a fantastic word). [Note: Something everyone should know about me is that for some reason I can't navigate a room without getting injured. If there is a table 10 feet away, I will run into it.] So then! Super diesel badass Jackie Daniels from the Grand Raggidy Roller Girls comes out, and she’s also just a little thing.
Things I learned from this experience:
1) These are like, normal girls (in booty shorts). I totally thought they were going to be tatted up Amazonian lesbians.
2) This is like, a sport. They skate their asses off (in booty shorts), and sweat, and get injured (Seriously. Medics on stand-by.) They have tournaments. People pay to attend these things. In arenas.
3) They serve booze. FTW!
Check it out sometime. It’s really hard not to get into it and start cheering for these girls when they’re kicking the crap out of each other. On wheels. In booty shorts.
Visit www.wftda.com to find out more about the league.
P.S. I bought these.
P.P.S. Apparently there’s some movie called Whip It coming out. About roller derbies, or something. No one’s gonna see it until it’s on TBS, so I wouldn’t worry about it.
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It was a beautiful south Florida evening. And by beautiful I mean it wasn’t raining, and my balls didn’t start sticking to the inside of my thigh within 10 seconds of getting out of my car. It was roughly 5:30 pm, a little over 3 hours until kick off. The guy parked across the row from us in the Boston College jersey had the beer pong going in full effect.
Why someone would wear a Boston College jersey to a Dolphins/Colts game is beyond me? So is why some asshats would wear a Giants, Jaguars, and Ravens jersey, but I digress.
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Another Break Dancer Knocked Out – Watch more Funniest Videos
I have to hand it to the big dude in the above video. He starts out by demonstrating what appears to be some semblance of rhythm and an overall understanding of how to dance. However, somewhere during the progression of the video he decided to show off how to do successfully pull off a reverse belly flop instead of how to break dance. Which wouldn’t have been all too bad, had he actually been jumping into a pool and not jumping into a hardwood floor.
Moral of the story? Hell if I know. What I do know is that the above video helps keep my mind off the complete evisceration I have been subjected to this Fantasy Football season. Which is definitely a good thing. Especially since it allows me to focus on other people’s misfortunes and not my own…More importantly my terrible decision making I’ve made in regards of whom to play and who to bench.
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Fuck ‘em up Friday is a weekly post that occurs, you guessed it, every Friday. Bringing you some of the best knockouts, submissions, and knockers that the inter-webs have to offer. It’s basically my way of glorifying violence, as well as giving in to the urges of my pre-pubescent inner child. Yeah, that’s how I roll.
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Dear Bear Grylls,
Let me start off by saying that your show Man Vs. Wild is amazing. You put the badass in Badass Motherfucker. The following video is evidence of this.
That was gnarly to nth degree.
I grew up on a farm and did the whole camping and outdoorsy thing. (more…)
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It took 7 months to get here folks, but the NFL season is in full effect. This is the time of year when your weekends become even more devoid of productivity and you focus on the finer things in life. Like refining your liver’s ability to metabolize alcohol as well as fine tuning your shit talking skills.
If you’re fortunate to have what is commonly known as a “man cave” then I am quite envious of you good sir. For the man cave serves as man’s inner sanctum for sports, and more importantly football. It is in this cave of man where words like “responsibility,” “work,” or “you’ve had too much” are never to be uttered.
Unfortunately, not all men are lucky enough to have a man cave. Instead we are relocated to our living room couches where wives, girlfriends, significant others, or in Gally’s case boyfriend (just kidding) have no problem bringing up the outside realities that us men put off until the early, hungover, abyss known as Monday morning.
Men, this is our time. For the next 22 weeks it’s about men and their balls. Big, brown, oblong balls. And if your old lady can’t get behind that, then you should highly reconsider moving on to the next step. In the case you already made it to the next step, there’s no problem with bailing. Kids? Mortgage? Responsibility? Pssh, nothing that a quick move and a new identity can’t fix.
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