Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday May 21st 2011

‘Ranting’ Archive

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Bucs Game

Just wait. I’m saving the big fucking guns for next week’s holiday blowout massacre extravaganza. Seriously, unless the Skins fuck it up by winning, it’s going to be epic. Anyway, what can one really say about that shit-show? Kinda the most perfect way ever for this team to lose. And who misses a 30 and 24 yard FG? I mean, those should be mandatorially celebrated with a dismissive wank gesture. Which brings me to my real point. Tampa couldn’t stop Ryan Torain in the first half, so the only reason the Skins are kicking FGs is because Mike and Kyle Shanahan inexplicably decide to call pass plays. Blame special teams all you want, but it takes a lot of ineptitude on all sides (don’t forget the choking-ass defense) to lose a football game. Now, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.


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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game

The video is right here. Even though one can’t embed video from Captain Zuckerberg’s Overly Precious Pyramid Scheme (thanks, dickbag; I don’t actually use your service), it’s worth your time.

Oh wait! That’s what I did Saturday afternoon. (Once again, support your local no-kill shelter). Sunday afternoon looked a little more like this:


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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the 1st Quarter of the Skins-Eagles Game

See first 45 seconds:

Why only the 1st quarter? Because I stopped watching after that. I had a shitload of work to do (I’m the hardest-working unemployed guy you know), and zero faith the Skins were capable of anything resembling a professional effort. Oh, sure. They’re capable of talking shit with absolutely no talent and heart necessary to back it up. Sure, they’re capable of lying on the ground like a 350 pounds of horseshit in a 5-pound bag while the play is still going on. But resembling a professional football team on offense or defense, at the ownership level, at the management level, or on the coaching staff? That’s just too hard. Seriously, 11 coked-up Daulerios (which I know is redundant) could have scored at will against these clowns. If you want to crown Michael Vick, go ahead and crown his ass. But the Skins are who we thought they were!

Check out this rant from DC radio host Chad Dukes, who I normally don’t like because I think he’s kind of racist, and then we’ll visit our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump. (more…)

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Shut Your Stupid Mouth, Boomer Esiason

Would smush.

Boomer Esiason is quite clearly known for one thing, and one thing only; having a first name synonymous with a fart. What, you never called farts “Boomers” in your household? Were your parents gay? Oh, I guess he played football for a while too, but it was with the Bengals back during the Civil War, so no one remembers or cares. All of this makes it even more suspicious why people are talking to him in this day and age. Recently, Fart-Man had this to say about the NFL’s most awesome team in recent history (The Jets, for you fat Colts fans):

CBS’ Boomer Esiason says the New York Jets have gained “the perception of a frat house gone wild,” and it “has to fall at the feet” of coach Rex Ryan. But Ryan, in a taped feature on NBC Sunday, told Bob Costas: “I’m not concerned about how I’m viewed.”

Hey, Boom-Boom, shut your fucking mouth. No one cares what you have to say about anything, ever, and you have the gall to get all huffy and puffy about the Jets shower pounding Ines Sainz, saying FUCK on TV like a real American, and using hilarious racial epithet’s when referring to the wet back Sanchez? Way to ruin everyone’s fun, you dildo queen. It’s open sores like you that ruin the NFL for everyone else, you and Tony Dungy burning gays at the stake. The sooner you all die from shattered knees, the better.

Boomer Esiason is now my least favorite player, ever. At least guys like Emmitt Smitch, Steve Young, and Keyshawn Johnson on TV have the decency to be black.

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Ines Sainz: Another Girl Who Wants Attention- The Ultimate Photo Gallery

I would contend that a pair of pants has never fit better on a booty. Ever.

One thing I think we can all agree on is Ines Sainz is sexy. And I have the Ines Sainz hot sexy booty pics to prove it. If you do not know who Ines Sainz is then crawl out from that bonerless rock you’ve been under and get a load of this. (she’s no Miss Campo, though.)


Ines Sainz (twitter) is the reporter at the epicenter of the latest controversy surrounding the New York Jets. She was at the Jets’ facility last Saturday (on Sept. 11th of all days!) in the Jets’ locker room as a credentialed reporter to interview Mark Sanchez when something or other happened that in some way could be construed as harassment or cat-calling or less than savory behavior. This whole situation is being blown way out of proportion. The reason I’m not going to take the pussy women’s liberation stance is because I actually watched her talk about the whole situation in an interview on Fox News thanks to this Youtube video. and can see this for what it really is. Check out this video, and you will see what I mean.

Allow me to clear up some confusion by sharing insight from that video. (Hat tip to HuggingHaroldReynolds where I first saw the video.) In the above video she explains the tweet that largely contributed to the explosion of this story. She tweeted she was “dying of embarrassment.” Here’s where this story is getting lost in translation for many people. She was not dying of embarrassment because of anything the players did. She was embarrassed because of how big a deal either other reporters or Jets management made of what the players did or said. I’m not sure which because she can’t speak-a-da-Anglish too goods. The bottom line is now that the media firestorm machine has cranked up to 11 she’s not going to douse the story. NO DIFFUSER IS SHE! . She sees her opportunity, and she plans to maximize it. She’s not going for Larry Flynt-level offers. She wants Dancing with the Stars-level offers. The interview where the FoxNews reporter could not stop staring at her open blouse was very telling. Two things in particular stood out. But first, it’s been too long without a picture.

That is a superb rack.

The first thing that stood in that video is what I will call a difference of cultures. Part of the allegations of people who are defending the Jets in a sort of “she was asking for it/ date rape” sort of argument is that she was dressed too provocatively. Ok, even the person interviewing her can’t quit staring at her boobs because her awesome rack is being shown through a gaping button-down shirt. She doesn’t get it. Have you seen Mexican television? Women being objectified is par for the course. Even after the initial hullabaloo this incident has caused she is not dressing any differently. In her mind she is already taken seriously or is taken as seriously as she thinks she ever will be. The second thing I noticed from the video is she is loving the attention in an almost sinister way. Watch the video again. Pay special attention to 2:58- 3:08. The look she gives at 3:05-3:06 is probably her “OOOhhhh face.” You like for men to pay you attention, honey? You want me to tell you your pretty and everyone pays attention to you? You want to give me a little twirl? Yeh, show me what a good reporter you are. Talk into this mike and give me the story. Yeh, you’re good at giving me that story. I’ve been watching a lot of porn lately just like the Jets’ players or any other testosterone-filled male.

She didn’t go to journalism school, but damn she works on that body. Which one is better, honestly? I’m tired of these pussy guys coming out saying how outraged they are at that a woman was catcalled. Get off of your soap box and go look at some more porn because with these statements “defending the honor” of women I know you’re not getting laid. Women don’t want a chivalrous crusader. They want to be run. Do you not pay attention to the bang bus pornography videos you watch? I keeps my woman barefoot and making me mexican food. Or italian food. I might be in the mood for some homemade meatballs tonight. Every once in a while I let her have the sexuals, but I don’t let her finish. Gots to keep ‘em wantin’ more!

I would eat Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies off of that butt. Let’s discuss the athlete locker room for a moment. I am of the opinion no one besides players, coaches, and other staff should be in a locker room at any level, male reporters included. There have long been rumors of Peter King picking out packages he likes in the various locker rooms he visits. Are female reporters allowed in college locker rooms? High school? Middle school? How about we let them in elementary school physical education locker rooms to get the inside story on how little Timmy is able to get so many people out by catching dodgeballs thrown his way. How about men in those same locker rooms? How about you just let me in a WNBA locker room? RAWR!

Don’t get me started on Clinton Portis’ comments regarding female reporter’s in the locker room. The man Robert Littal over at BlackSportsOnline has a good story detailing Portis’ statements and subsequent lightning-fast apology. Portis basically said that of the 53 potential penises a female reporter sees in a locker room she is just bound to fall for one. Now he is taking the fall along with the Jets as a poster boy of misogyny in professional sports. That’s not sexism, though. That’s freaking math. Has no one seen The Bachelorette? Portis can’t help he got a first class education from the University of Miami. It is simple statistics. In a room of males at prime breeding age a female is highly likely to find one or more acceptable candidates for reproduction. I’m sad that Clinton was made to apologize for math. What is this society coming to?

This is the picture (above) Ines Sainz tweeted as an example of what she was wearing. I’m not sure. I could use more leg.

Or midriff!

The number of self-righteous sports “journalists” weighing in on this situation is beginning to make me nauseous. When can we expect to hear a respected sports media member like Jay Mariotti weigh in on this issue. But seriously, this lady has a twitter background that screams, I AM TO BE RESPECTED AS A JOURNALIST!” I downloaded it so you can see for yourselves.

The New York Jets organization is in full spin and PR mode now that this has gotten some attention, but I haven’t heard much from the NFL itself. You know why that is? Because the process of harassment was not completed. Get it? Like the controversial Calvin Johnson non-catch against the Bears last weekend? Do I have to spell everything out for you?

I personally think Ines Sainz is an inspiration. Her story proves that if one chases fame and whores yourself out (metaphorically, I mean) enough that your dream of 15 minutes of fame can one day be realized. She’s been showing up to Super Bowl media days since at least 2007 to drum up attention and not really cover the game. She’s waited so long and now her dream of fleeting fame with no discernible talent other than looking sexy as hell has come true. Here she is at the Colts- Bears Super Bowl from 2007 getting more information than the players really wanted to give about the offensive blocking schemes.

In conclusion Ines Sainz has not lived up to the lofty journalistic standards of those who came before her like Erin Andrews. Maybe the two of them need to get together over some hot tea and just hug it out. They feel each other’s pain just like they are feeling each other’s trim backs as they embrace. As they slowly rub each other reassuringly they can each tell that the other works out regularly. Andrew’s mind drift to images of Ines on a rubber workout ball, just bouncing… When she awakes from her daydream she realizes their lips have already connected and Ines has oiled up the strap-on…

You should also check out SportsbyBrooks‘ and Deadspin’s take on this issue because this was just me being a confusing jerk.

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The NFL Hates Fans, Want’s Them To Die Of Boredom

Yes it's relevant.

This upcoming article is based on information that came out August 9th, so if my mathematical skills are accurate it is officially Internet old skool. I also don’t recall seeing it anywhere, so either a) You didn’t hear about it. b) You don’t give a shit, or c) You didn’t hear about it and didn’t care about it until someone ranted about it in a manner resembling Andy Rooney drunkenly rambling on about how the Korean War continues to affect the prices of tapioca. Where was I, oh yeah, regurgitated old Internet news. So every year, well recently, the NFL launches the season with a sort of mini concert featuring up to ten of the days biggest musical stars. Sometimes they may not actually be big stars, but musical acts who are running low on their adderal and codein scrips and need some quick cash. In the past, acts have included: Aerosmith, Britney Spears, Toby Keith, the cast of Rent, Joey Fatone and your uncle Leo’s mariachi band.

Hey, it’s their party and they can do whatever they want. Well this year, they decided that they hate us fans. They would rather us become complacent and fall asleep before the games start rather than get pumped up. Instead of picking a band(s) that would pump us up, like oh Mastodon, Metallica, Avenged Sevenfold, or even an act like Jay-Z with Kid Cudi, Wale and Eminem(which would pump us up, but in a different way than the aforementioned rawk groups.) At least when they put us to sleep during the half-time of the Super Bowl, we’ve already been entertained gotten to blind face drunk to realize what’s going on.



So umm, yeah. Fuck you Taylor Swift. Fuck you Dave Matthews. Fuck you Jim Irsay. Fuck you Roger Goodell. Fuck you NFL. You fucking god damn shit weasel, master blenders of fine semen, pieces of cunt lint. Why couldn’t it have been this:

Source Article-NFL

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Major Sports Media Rehashing Bland Criticism? Unthinkable!

This is an article about the current Minnesota Timberwolves General Manager, David Kahn. If you even peripherally follow the NBA, or masturbate to laminated pages of Bill Simmons’ self congratulatory books, than you have probably joined the rest of the major sports media in yelling “KAAAAHHHNNN!!!” and laughing about the Wolves signing Darko Milicic, drafting only PGs in 2009 and SFs in 2010, trading Al Jefferson low, and drafting a potentially franchise changing PG in Ricky Rubio, who OF COURSE will never come to a stupid place like Minnesota!

If you are that person, you’re also probably the same idiot that reads Rick Reilly religiously, really enjoys the new Transformer movies, thought Indian Jones 4 was the pinnacle of filmmaking, can’t wait for the next All-American Rejects album, think auto tuning is the greatest thing to happen to music ever, and cried when The Hills ended. In other words, you’re a complete moron who can’t think for yourself and I would like to tell you just how stupid and wrong you are. Because I obviously know better, you see.


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Teenage Girls Are The Worst

This summer I was not planning on coming home from college, but a last minute change in plans ruined all that, and as a result, I’ve had to deal with my 17 year old sister, and her friends all summer. And I think I can safely say, teenage girls are the worst people on the planet, hands down.

If you’re a woman and you’re reading this, congratulations, you made it through the hardest years of your life without your parents killing you, and believe me, if it was legal to, they would have. But since it’s not, they seriously considered 1) Sending you away to a convent, or 2) Locking you away in the highest room in the tallest tower. But believe me, killing you was their first choice.

I know teenage boys aren’t much better, but at least they sometimes follow rules. Stupid emo kids and their girl pants.
Really, after thinking long and hard about it, the only good thing about teenage girls is that now and again they become so warped they end up in porn for the writers of this blogs enjoyment. (Kidding…I think…) (more…)

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Worst. Call. Ever.

I’ve had alot of time to think about what happened last night, and being the resident Tigers fan at this site, they figured I should tackle this issue.


First off, let’s just say what the picture shows: Jim Joyce flat blew it. There’s no way to sugar coat it, or put some silver lining on it. Secondly, I’ll be honest, I didn’t see one second of this game, I was driving back from out of town, and had the hockey game on the radio, with no clue that this feat was going on. It’s a good thing I didn’t see this happen live, because I probably would not have a TV at the moment if I had. Hell, even the Indians, couldn’t believe the call. The baserunner puts his hands on his head like he just had a prank pulled on him.

Here’s a video of the entire 9th inning. Lost in all of this is one of the great catches I have ever seen from Austin Jackson to keep the perfect game alive. Watch the Indians bench after the call, even they can’t believe it. (more…)

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Jose Mourinho is Ballsy, Stupid

In a stunning move of ballsiness, Jose Mourinho has claimed that the Champions League is more important than the World Cup. That’s statement reeks of hubris from a guy that coaches league football and not a National team. Last year’s Champions League final drew an estimated 109 million people as an average audience and 206 million watched at least a part of the game. Meanwhile the 2006 World Cup final between Italy and France drew 715.1 million viewers. So far his argument is off to a shaky start unless my math is WAAAYYY off.

Well, let’s see what he had to say about things. (more…)

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