Yesterday while watching the Detroit Tigers take on the Boston Red Sox, a thought crossed my mind when Brandon Inge stepped to the dish for the Tigers. Are there other players in other cities that are as bad as he is, yet loved endlessly by the hometown fan base?
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For those of you that don’t read my stuff or suffer horribly crippling amnesia every few weeks, I’ve been tearing apart John Dudley, a columnist (in the loosest sense of the word) for the Erie Times-News, and his columns, sporadically. Partly because I had to read him through most of my younger years, partly because he took some unnecessary shots at Bob Sanders (who, by all accounts, is a great guy), and partly because I think I could do his job better than him, Better Pwn A Columnist was born. As always, if anyone would care to send my hatred his way, I wouldn’t stop you.
For this, the third installment of a 2,193 part series, J-Dizzle decided that he was going to lay down some knowledge the only way someone like he can. With 26 consecutive one-line paragraphs- or as it’s known, “Plaschke-style”. So let’s see what insider knowledge he has on some little-known prospect. (His words in bold, mine in not-bold)
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In case you weren’t aware, by day, I am a mild mannered Food Scientist. That is, until Ralph Wilson dies and leaves me the ownership of the Buffalo Bills in his will. IT COULD HAPPEN DON’T KILL MY DREAMS. Anyway, my profession, and the industry of food itself, tends to take a lot of flack from people. Namely, complete idiots. These are the people that believe Jack LaLaine when he tells you that “you need a degree in literature just to understand this stuff!” (No, Jack, just a rudimentary understanding of chemistry. Of course, I could probably put Dihydrogen Oxide on a label and scare you). Generally, I spare most people my rants- my apologies to the random girl at the Phyrst last year that I yelled at for thinking that organic foods were far superior, don’t mess with a drunk food scientist- but every now and then, someone is so dumb, I feel the need to mock them anonymously via the internet. This is one of those times.
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This post originally aired last week, but was lost when our host jiggled the cables going to our server
If you know me, and follow me on Twitter you know that I have a very long history of messing with celebrities. What happened yesterday was different. Way different. I didn’t start it, and I know I sure as hell didn’t end it. Dan Levy has a grudge with Stephen A. Why? The same reason as everyone else does. He’s a shitty writer/tv personality and radio host. The only difference between you and Dan Levy is that Levy has an audience of people who listen to him.
I have no similarities to Dan Levy. He’s smart, can form coherent sentences and people WANT to hear his opinion on sports. I make prison rape jokes and get drunk, shirtless in the day time on weekdays. If anyone is the villain in this situation, it’s me. Dan Levy would be Superman and I’d be Lex Luthor and Stephen A. would probably be the bank robbers at the beginning of the movie that Superman bends a light post around so the cops can catch them (PJ Diaries is Wonder Woman). This is how different we are, except in this analogy, Dan Levy is the smart one and I’m the one who can make his cumshot as strong as a shotgun blast. (more…)
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This is my first post for The Gally Blog. I normally post at The Nonpopulist, but you will feel my presence around here from time to time now, much in the same way your little league coach cupped your butt that time and held for a three count. /skeezy I have never used WordPress before (like you care) so this may be a little rough at first (insert your own joke here), but thankfully I checked out an instructional post on the internet called “How to Write an Entertaining Post for The Gally Blog” and learned nothing.
Now to the goods…
There has been much hullabaloo concerning the recent decision by NFL owners to change the overtime rules for playoff games. Teams have to win by six points or TKO from now on. Great. Way to look busy, billionaires. What about this whole Collective Bargaining Agreement and uncapped year business? Do you think you could get around to that sometime soon, guys? Getting a new CBA in place will actually benefit you, the owner, because soon you will draft more players to which you will be forced to commit exorbitant truckloads of cash in the first round without a guarantee of results unless there is some sort of agreed upon structure for rookie pay levels. There is no way you can avoid overpaying another draft bust until the new CBA gets done.
Do any of you really want another JaMarcus Russell on your hands? A guy that treats ‘Ja’ like ‘Mc’ and makes you capitalize two letters in his first name? The nerve of this guy! Adam Schefter recently reported and Profootballtalk.com re-reported that Russell recently weighed in at 290 pounds at the Raiders’ facility. When reached for comment, Al Davis arose from the crypt and said, “My radical offseason plan of converting JaMarcus to a pulling guard is nearly complete. Mwahahahahaha!” I heard Russell’s “Commitment to Excellence Offseason Nutrition Plan” included a hobbit-like meal schedule. But seriously, not since Jared Lorenzen has this level of obesity been tolerated in a quarterback, and we were all just humoring him. The current economy can not take another breaking of a bank on a player like JaMarcus Russell. Fix rookie pay. Yes we can.
Rejected first draft intro to this post:
Webster’s dictionary defines The Gally Blog as a website who foolishly decided to let me post for them.
We’ve been okie doked, people. Houdinified, if you will. What happened to instituting a rookie pay wage? No one even asked for this change to the NFL playoff overtime rule.
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It’s that special time of year. The birds are chirping, the grass is borderline visible, and spring training is upon us. Of course, you know what that means- other than the return of exposed skin on the opposite gender, which is lovely- another round of whining about statheads ruining the sport of baseball. The debate seems to be the loudest in baseball (I don’t recall anyone burning down a village when QB ratings were introduced to football), and I feel like that’s for good reason…even though it’s wrong.
Something we can all agree on is that Logic should be the star of the next season of Tool Academy. Seriously, I don’t care how many calls we have to make, VH1 was invented for that exact purpose. Another thing we can agree on is that statistics in baseball are more significant than in other sports. For those of you that have been out of school too long/drank away knowledge/hate numbers/occasionally get dates/all of the above, I’ll explain. Baseball is unique in that it has an incredibly large number of games, and a large number of events within each game. So you get a repeated test against a certain set of variables, and then 161 more repeated tests under different conditions. As these repetitions add up, it becomes more likely that the various statistics are representative of the true values that player should achieve. Football doesn’t allow for this, because even something like passing attempts (which is a huge number) only comes in 16 test situations. Outliers are more likely to exist, because the actual mean is harder to define. Basketball and hockey have simliar problems. Throw in the relatively isolated nature of events in a baseball game (that is, if a guy hits a home run, his own pitcher had nothing to do with it), unlike other major sports which are either inherently team-based (football), have a lot of ebb and flow making singling out instances difficult (hockey, basketball), or both. This is an incredibly long way of saying that baseball players will, logically, eventually regress/progress to whatever the statistic should be, whereas in other sports, it is possible to be lucky/flukey/play the Bills and Lions for the majority of the season (kind of. You know what I mean.). (more…)
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I’ve been meaning to bring this up, mostly because I was so mad…at myself. I work normal hours, 8AM-4PM so I get the pleasure of listening to morning radio. Ever since Howard Stern left for satellite, I had Opie and Anthony. After they left? No one. You get Roger and JP who pretend to be “cutting edge” or you get Z100 and the Z-Morning Zoo who could all asplode and I would be just as happy as if the Lost producers would explain the fucking smoke monster to my face. Or, you could go with sports radio. In the morning its Mike and Mike on ESPN radio or Craig Carton (awesome) and Boomer Esiason on WFAN. On the way home, most people go with Francesa. Sometimes, I get mad at how opinionated he is and have to switch him. That’s when there is Michael Kay and his crew on ESPN radio…
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On the off-chance that you’ve been in a biodome for 15 years (and/or are physically incapable of scrolling down to the post below this one), it may come as news that the Pro Bowl is a joke. You’re also probably sick of hearing “The Safety Dance,” but I digress. The game of football isn’t something that lends itself to a watchable half-speed product- unlike other pro sports, which can get away with an offensive barrage in an All-Star game. And because they moved the event to a) the site of the Super Bowl (which has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Miami would be cheaper than Hawaii and I’m appalled that you would think of such a thing) and b) the weekend between conference championship games and the Super Bowl, now half the starters aren’t playing due to injuries, or the fact that they are in the Super Bowl. Shockingly, the teams that made the Super Bowl, in an exceptionally top heavy league, had multiple people elected to the Pro Bowl. So, we’re going to watch an “All-Star” game where Ryan Fitzpatrick is probably the third string quarterback…riiiiight.
Now then, how do you fix the problem? So glad you asked, person who poses questions that make transition easier. Because I am the great and powerful Oz (or something) I know how to fix make the Pro Bowl borderline watchable.
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It is once again time for the best playoffs AND sporting event in North American Sports. No, not the Super Bowl, you [Read More]
It is once again time for the best playoffs AND sporting event in North American Sports. No, not the Super Bowl, you [Read More]
It is once again time for the best playoffs AND sporting event in North American Sports. No, not the Super Bowl, you [Read More]
First off, sorry for the hiatus. Blogging became less and less of a priority to me as of late. Why? Mostly because [Read More]
The Sandlot is a movie that has garnished much attention from the people I actually talk to on twitter. Though that is [Read More]
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