Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Tuesday September 6th 2011

‘Recap’ Archive

Strasmasmuhkah: Not Bad Rook

Looks like he's trying to squeeze one out, no?

I’m no baseball expert, so anything you read about what I write here in relation to this Stras-us Christ is probably wildly off the wall and obnoxious, but you’re not here to get box score numbers, are you? No, you’re here to read how much of an idiot I am and defend your new baseball God vehemently. So let’s get to it.

Damn sneaky he is
-SB Nation

Rookie Washington Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg made his major league debut yesterday against the Pittsburgh Pirates (Note; not Somali pirates), probably the best team to go up against in your first outing. Except for the Minnesota Twins when the bases are loaded of course. He put in a very impressive outing for his first showing, dubbed “Stras-mas” by the 30,000 people nationwide that still follow baseball, by striking out 14 batters, going seven innings deep, and only giving up two runs on a two run dinger. Not bad rook, but here’s the problem: (more…)

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A History Of The Gally Blog

As part of our anniversary series I present a brief history of The Gally Blog

As is often the case with bloggers, I fight with insomnia. Combine that with the fact that I was/am a trained chef and bartender, and I wasn’t on a schedule conducive to a normal life. To combat my crushing 4am boredom I started this humble site with a series or nonsensical rambling posts. To be more factual, I started a free site on WordPress. In the beginning there were far less abortion jokes and the scope of the site was an anything goes, with an emphasis on video games, comics and sports. I wasn’t a good writer back then, and I’m probably not now but I was full of optimism and ideas. (more…)

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Stephen A Smith vs. Dan Levy And Blogfrica

This post originally aired last week, but was lost when our host jiggled the cables going to our server

If you know me, and follow me on Twitter you know that I have a very long history of messing with celebrities.  What happened yesterday was different.  Way different.  I didn’t start it, and I know I sure as hell didn’t end it.  Dan Levy has a grudge with Stephen A. Why? The same reason as everyone else does. He’s a shitty writer/tv personality and radio host.  The only difference between you and Dan Levy is that Levy has an audience of people who listen to him.

I have no similarities to Dan Levy.  He’s smart, can form coherent sentences and people WANT to hear his opinion on sports.  I make prison rape jokes and get drunk, shirtless in the day time on weekdays.  If anyone is the villain in this situation, it’s me.  Dan Levy would be Superman and I’d be Lex Luthor and Stephen A. would probably be the bank robbers at the beginning of the movie that Superman bends a light post around so the cops can catch them (PJ Diaries is Wonder Woman).  This is how different we are, except in this analogy, Dan Levy is the smart one and I’m the one who can make his cumshot as strong as a shotgun blast. (more…)

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Many Pacquiao boxed. Clottey showed up. I drank.

Kudos to you boxing. Manny Pacquiao versus Joshua Clottey at the time probably seemed like a great idea. Similar to many of my drunk sexual encounters from back in college, (Read: fat chicks). However, the end result never pans out how you want it to and is usually accompanied by a head ache and a little less self-esteem.

Pacquiao threw a ton of punches and Clottey did a ton of blocking. Yes both Pacquiao and Clottey are world class athletes, and I don’t want to take anything away from Clottey, but for boxing money I think I could have blocked and turtled up for 12 rounds. I mean seriously, $50 to watch that seems like a waste. My $50 would have been better spent fronting the purse in a bum fight. No, seriously it would have.

If the fighting, or lack there of, wasn’t enough of a downer how about that commentating? Case in point, Jim Lampley:

Good god that’s painful. I’m sorry Jim, but yelling “Bang” a bunch of times doesn’t make for great announcing. It just makes you sound like a kid with Asperger’s who has an obsession with Cowboys and Indians.

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Gally Didn’t Quit


International Man of Mystery


Ok, so whoops! Lolz. Do we have bad timing or what? So it turns out that Gally’s last post about retiring was a joke…or not. It’s okay. The site will still go on as scheduled. It just depends on if Gimp and I decide to give it a new name like “All Things Rape-able” or “Cheetah-In-A-Tree.com“. The post just came at a terrible time, at the end of a VERY busy day for TGB and then a day of silence. We have like 6-8 writers on the site and we all decided to update on the same night. My plan for the future is to spread these 6-8 posts over the course of the week and then our site will probably be updated close to 9 times per week! Aren’t I a genius? How did I get turned down for NASA? Just look at my test scores! (Note: They forgot the 1 and 0 in front of the first 0, I swear)

 


Fucking "A Beautiful Mind" Smart, I am.


Anywho, We’re sorry that Gally was so believable in saying that he quits because he can’t keep up with Amber‘s Tits, Gimp‘s child and myself. It was only fitting that he compared himself to one of my most hated athletes of all time. Please remember folks, this is Canadian satire. It’s basically like the Polish submarine! You know, with the screen door! Am I right, guys? Guys?

To make it up to you? I think I have something that can put a smile on your face! Olivia Munn’s tits getting jiggled on G4 followed by Party Pug! Yay!!

 


Best. Gif. Ever.



Party Pug, you need help...


Oh. Right. This is a sport/video game/humor blog. I didn’t have any of that. Well…how ’bout that Todd McShay, huh? They really pay him for nothin’. Andddddddd what aboutttttt uhhhhhh MLB2K10. I swung early on a 96 MPH fastball. It’s bullshit. Oh and um humor. Right. Uhhh What’s the deal with airline food?

/gets hit with a tomato

/whistles casually off the stage

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A non-comprehensive recap of UFC 105

So the UFC graced us with a Ultimate Fight Night free “PPV” this past Saturday. Of course making UFC 105 free was a good call. Going head to head on PPV against a Manny Pacquiao-Miguel Cotto boxing fight would have been a bloodbath, and not the good kind.

Ross Pearson defeated Aaron Riley via TKO (doctor stoppage) in the 2nd round

Riley looked completely overmatched against Pearson, who just kept pushing the pace. Pearson landed some nice shots on Riley and landed a devastating knee in the 2nd round that just opened Riley up. It appeared like it was on the bridge of the nose and the think just leaked more than my wife on her period. The action was stopped so the doctors could check out the cut, but unfortunately like Logic’s gaping vagina, it could not be closed.

Matt Brown defeated James Wilks via TKO in the 3rd round.

Matt Brown has balls of steel. At one point it looked like Wilks was going to finish him off with a kimura, which is Japanese for “hey look your shoulder’s dislocated.”

Some way, some how, Brown stayed calm and collected and was able to roll out of it. Then in the 3rd, Brown transitioned into a full mount, or as berstreet calls it “A typical Saturday night,” and rained down some punches. Wilks just turtled up. A totally effective technique – if your goal is to have the ref stop the match.

Michael Bisping defeated Dennis Kang via TKO in round 2.

Michael Bisping needed to prove that his chin was not the stuff that stunt glass is made of. And did he prove it early as Bisping got caught with a right during the opening minutes of the 1st round. Thankfully for Bisping he was able to keep his bearings.

For the most part Bisping and Kang wrestled, they struck each other, but in the end Bisping was able to TKO Kang. The loss puts Kang’s UFC record at 1-2. Personally, I wouldn’t be surpirsed if Kang is let go after this fight. He’ll probably get another chance, but if his next fight doesn’t involve him decapitating his opponent I imagine he’s gone.

Dan Hardy defeated Mike Swick via unanimous decision

Both fighters are skilled at striking. Hardy is the heavier hitter and Swick is the more skilled wrestler. Swick knew this and attempted to get this one to the ground, where he felt he had the edge. Yeah, Hardy wasn’t having any of it as he was able to defend against the takedown.

This bout went the whole 3 rounds, but that’s not a bad thing. It was actually entertaining unlike the main event, which looked like 2 grown men hugging each other for 15 minutes. Both fighters delivered some blows, but it was Hardy who stunned Swick with a couple of shots and was able to get the better of him. Hardy also was able to open up a cut on the back of Swick’s head, which any time there is blood you easily win the round on my scorecard. A scorecard that’s more so based on awesome points as opposed to points for the round. But let’s be honest, being awesome trumps winning a round. Amirite?

Randy Couture defeated Brandon Vera via unanimous decision

If this was your first time watching a MMA fight I apologize. It was very slow paced, and for the most part it probably looked like a couple of dudes humping each other against a chain link fence. In theory Couture’s strategy was to get Vera to the ground and pound him out. Yes, following that previous sentence that might sound hella gay, but I promise no homo.

Vera was able to defend against the takedown, but wasn’t able to take advantage of his muay thai striking. It’s fairly hard to kick someone in the head when they are hugged up snugly against you.

Vera did answer with a nice body kick during the 2nd round that phased Couture. I even thought for a second that Vera cracked Couture’s rib(s), because well, Couture is 46 and osteoporosis is a real bitch like that. That shot alone seemed to be the only real damage done during the fight as Couture’s punches and knees didn’t appear to be dealing much damage. I mean, the ref only made them restart a handful of times because they were clinched up against the cage for too long, not dealing any damage at all. I did more damage to myself screaming, “Stop being a pussy and fucking fight” at my TV.

Up until the 3rd round I had the match pretty even, with Couture winning the 1st 10-9 and Vera winning the 2nd 10-9. In the 3rd round I totally believe that Vera had won the fight. He was able to drag Couture down and mount him (once again no homo). The judges, however, saw it differently and awarded the contest to Couture. Which further reinforces the point that I know dick about MMA.

Final Thoughts

All and all this was a good way to pass time on a Saturday night. Nothing I would ever pay for, so thankfully it was free. I would have much rather enjoyed paying $45 for a kick to the nuts.

The shining moment of UFC 105 was an undercard fight that was aired to fill space. Thank god they did too. In this fight Andre Winner knocked Rolando “Roli” Delgado the fuck out. Delgado easily soiled himself. There is no way he didn’t. Here is an animated gif to illustrate – the knockout, not Delgado shitting himself.

rolandoKTFO

via CagePotato

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The Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Baseball is over, right? Thank god.

Obligatory shout out to Logic and the New York Yankees time. Sigh.

The baseball season came to anticlimactic end the other night as the Assholes of New York were able to deliver the coup de grace to the Assholes of Philadelphia.  And one person here at the Gally Blog couldn’t be any happier. Of course I’m speaking of Baby Logic.

Sup you fuckin' fucks?
Sup you fuckin' fucks?

No that’s not the smell of dirty diaper, that’s the smell of victory – 0r the New York subway system…

College Football

Last night’s slate of games included Eastern Michigan at Northern Illinois, Miami of Ohio at Temple, and Virginia Tech at East Carolina. So in all actuality it was like no college football really took place last night. But in case you are curious about the scores or you need to be prepared in case a giant Italian bookie by the name of Stevie comes looking for you they are as follows:

Miami (OH) 32 Temple 34 – Temple brings their record to 7-2, proving that the Big East’s bottom feeder is king of the castle in the MAC.

Eastern Michigan 6 Northern Illinois 50 – Eastern Michigan at 0-9 has to be the worst team in college football right now. Close on their heels? Western Kentucky, New Mexico and Rice at 0-8. That’s a whole lotta suck right there.

Virginia Tech 16 East Carolina 3 – Due to Lou Holtz announcing this game I couldn’t watch strictly out of principle. If I wanted to here dementia riddled ramblings for 3 hours I would go visit one my grandparents down at the nursing home.

NHL

(NSFW language)

NBA

See above video.

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Morning After Pill: While You Were Drinking Edition

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous days sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…Looking at you hockey. Or simply because we’re too hungover

Baby Logic is very unhappy.
Baby Logic is very unhappy.

MLB
The Yankees failed to deliver the coup de grace last night as they lost 6-7 to the Angels of Anaheim. I spoke with Logic, our resident analyst on all things obnoxious New York. He assured me that the Yankees will take Game 6. He said some other stuff, but it was hard to hear over all the sobbing. Game 6 will take place Saturday night in New York. I, myself will not be watching as I have a previous engagement set with my liver and some sweaty men pounding the hell out of each other…Uh that didn’t sound gay or anything.

College Football
Gee golly whiz folks Bobby Bowden and the Florida State Seminoles have been having one hell of a season…And not in the good sort of way. The ‘Noles with their 2-4 record squared off last night against UNC. And believe me, FSU looked like a 2-4 team as they were down at one point by 18 points. Some way, some how, Bobby Bowden in all his infinite wisdom (ie dementia) was able to coach his team to a 30-27 victory. Okay maybe he didn’t per se, but the ‘Noles were able to get the W, which means only 1/2 of the media outlets this next week will talk about Bowden and how he should retire/be fired. Personally, who cares, just give the guy a headset that’s not plugged in. I doubt he’ll know the difference anyway. I mean, seriously, Alzheimer’s is a real bitch like that.

On a personal note my parlay hit with the Seminoles winning and the over coming in. It was a good night that did not involve ritualistic cutting or vomiting, so uh, hey go me.

In site news the weekend is almost here and we have plenty of exciting things in store here at the Gally Blog. Check back later today for the regularly scheduled F(*)(*)k ‘em Up Friday post, as well as our UFC 104 preview and predictions, with our special guest poster. Who might that be? You’ll have to check back to find out. I’ll give you a hint, it’s not an ice skating bear.

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Death Claims 3 at Detroit Marathon.

runningwithdeath

Three runners died this past weekend during a marathon. This should be sad, depressing news, but it happened in Detroit. Death in Detroit is as common place as crappy football.

Sure, running is healthy and good for you, but running 26 miles straight-through, not so much. What are you, an Olympic runner from Ethiopia?

Now I may be incorrectly attributing the 3 deaths to exercise, but this story only helps to further reinforce my sedentary lifestyle. One consisting of fried food, booze, and little to no exercise. Yes, you’ll be able to outrun me in a foot race, but I’ll out-drink you, devour 50 wings faster than you, and school you in Madden…Just ask Logic.

Source

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Owen Schmitt: Master of Intimidation


Hitting your head with your helmet? Hmmm. Good for psyching out your opponent, but totally bad for your fucking head. Seahawks’ FB Owen Schmitt didn’t get that memo; but give the man credit, and by credit I mean a CAT Scan. Say what you will about opening up your own skull with your own head, because it must have worked. The Jaguars didn’t even have the slightest semblance of a team ready to play football as they lost 41-0. That has to count for something besides stupidity and a bunch of stitches. On a Fantasy Football related note: having the Jags’ kicker Josh Scobee really helped my team out this week. And by helped out, I mean it totally ass fucked me.

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