Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Tuesday November 29th 2011

‘Satire’ Archive

Logic is interviewed on the NFL Season

Please. No press. Real bloggers don't post pictures of themselves..

Host: Welcome! Welcome one and all. We haven’t had an interview with our pseudo-celebrity guest, Logic…(sigh) in a while so let’s have at it, I guess?

Logic: (rips line of oxycontin, turns to host) Well, hello beautiful. Let’s get this show on the road. What am I fielding questions about? Your mother and her rounds at the adult shop glory holes? She doesn’t think we can see her…but we can. (pulls out Four Loko)

Host: God dammit, behave yourself. Put the coffee beer away, will ya? Now let’s see if we can get some questions for you on the NFL season thus far. (to media) Okay, so any questions involving the 2010 season, Logic will answer. Don’t forget to razz the old bean on being a Giants fan! HURRR

Logic: (pushes host’s face, points to interviewer)

Interviewer 1: Who do you feel is the strongest candidate for the MVP this season? Tom Brady?

(more…)

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Ines Sainz: Another Girl Who Wants Attention- The Ultimate Photo Gallery




I would contend that a pair of pants has never fit better on a booty. Ever.




One thing I think we can all agree on is Ines Sainz is sexy. And I have the Ines Sainz hot sexy booty pics to prove it. If you do not know who Ines Sainz is then crawl out from that bonerless rock you’ve been under and get a load of this. (she’s no Miss Campo, though.)




Padow!




Ines Sainz (twitter) is the reporter at the epicenter of the latest controversy surrounding the New York Jets. She was at the Jets’ facility last Saturday (on Sept. 11th of all days!) in the Jets’ locker room as a credentialed reporter to interview Mark Sanchez when something or other happened that in some way could be construed as harassment or cat-calling or less than savory behavior. This whole situation is being blown way out of proportion. The reason I’m not going to take the pussy women’s liberation stance is because I actually watched her talk about the whole situation in an interview on Fox News thanks to this Youtube video. and can see this for what it really is. Check out this video, and you will see what I mean.

Allow me to clear up some confusion by sharing insight from that video. (Hat tip to HuggingHaroldReynolds where I first saw the video.) In the above video she explains the tweet that largely contributed to the explosion of this story. She tweeted she was “dying of embarrassment.” Here’s where this story is getting lost in translation for many people. She was not dying of embarrassment because of anything the players did. She was embarrassed because of how big a deal either other reporters or Jets management made of what the players did or said. I’m not sure which because she can’t speak-a-da-Anglish too goods. The bottom line is now that the media firestorm machine has cranked up to 11 she’s not going to douse the story. NO DIFFUSER IS SHE! . She sees her opportunity, and she plans to maximize it. She’s not going for Larry Flynt-level offers. She wants Dancing with the Stars-level offers. The interview where the FoxNews reporter could not stop staring at her open blouse was very telling. Two things in particular stood out. But first, it’s been too long without a picture.

That is a superb rack.

The first thing that stood in that video is what I will call a difference of cultures. Part of the allegations of people who are defending the Jets in a sort of “she was asking for it/ date rape” sort of argument is that she was dressed too provocatively. Ok, even the person interviewing her can’t quit staring at her boobs because her awesome rack is being shown through a gaping button-down shirt. She doesn’t get it. Have you seen Mexican television? Women being objectified is par for the course. Even after the initial hullabaloo this incident has caused she is not dressing any differently. In her mind she is already taken seriously or is taken as seriously as she thinks she ever will be. The second thing I noticed from the video is she is loving the attention in an almost sinister way. Watch the video again. Pay special attention to 2:58- 3:08. The look she gives at 3:05-3:06 is probably her “OOOhhhh face.” You like for men to pay you attention, honey? You want me to tell you your pretty and everyone pays attention to you? You want to give me a little twirl? Yeh, show me what a good reporter you are. Talk into this mike and give me the story. Yeh, you’re good at giving me that story. I’ve been watching a lot of porn lately just like the Jets’ players or any other testosterone-filled male.

She didn’t go to journalism school, but damn she works on that body. Which one is better, honestly? I’m tired of these pussy guys coming out saying how outraged they are at that a woman was catcalled. Get off of your soap box and go look at some more porn because with these statements “defending the honor” of women I know you’re not getting laid. Women don’t want a chivalrous crusader. They want to be run. Do you not pay attention to the bang bus pornography videos you watch? I keeps my woman barefoot and making me mexican food. Or italian food. I might be in the mood for some homemade meatballs tonight. Every once in a while I let her have the sexuals, but I don’t let her finish. Gots to keep ‘em wantin’ more!

I would eat Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies off of that butt. Let’s discuss the athlete locker room for a moment. I am of the opinion no one besides players, coaches, and other staff should be in a locker room at any level, male reporters included. There have long been rumors of Peter King picking out packages he likes in the various locker rooms he visits. Are female reporters allowed in college locker rooms? High school? Middle school? How about we let them in elementary school physical education locker rooms to get the inside story on how little Timmy is able to get so many people out by catching dodgeballs thrown his way. How about men in those same locker rooms? How about you just let me in a WNBA locker room? RAWR!

Don’t get me started on Clinton Portis’ comments regarding female reporter’s in the locker room. The man Robert Littal over at BlackSportsOnline has a good story detailing Portis’ statements and subsequent lightning-fast apology. Portis basically said that of the 53 potential penises a female reporter sees in a locker room she is just bound to fall for one. Now he is taking the fall along with the Jets as a poster boy of misogyny in professional sports. That’s not sexism, though. That’s freaking math. Has no one seen The Bachelorette? Portis can’t help he got a first class education from the University of Miami. It is simple statistics. In a room of males at prime breeding age a female is highly likely to find one or more acceptable candidates for reproduction. I’m sad that Clinton was made to apologize for math. What is this society coming to?

This is the picture (above) Ines Sainz tweeted as an example of what she was wearing. I’m not sure. I could use more leg.

Or midriff!

The number of self-righteous sports “journalists” weighing in on this situation is beginning to make me nauseous. When can we expect to hear a respected sports media member like Jay Mariotti weigh in on this issue. But seriously, this lady has a twitter background that screams, I AM TO BE RESPECTED AS A JOURNALIST!” I downloaded it so you can see for yourselves.

The New York Jets organization is in full spin and PR mode now that this has gotten some attention, but I haven’t heard much from the NFL itself. You know why that is? Because the process of harassment was not completed. Get it? Like the controversial Calvin Johnson non-catch against the Bears last weekend? Do I have to spell everything out for you?

I personally think Ines Sainz is an inspiration. Her story proves that if one chases fame and whores yourself out (metaphorically, I mean) enough that your dream of 15 minutes of fame can one day be realized. She’s been showing up to Super Bowl media days since at least 2007 to drum up attention and not really cover the game. She’s waited so long and now her dream of fleeting fame with no discernible talent other than looking sexy as hell has come true. Here she is at the Colts- Bears Super Bowl from 2007 getting more information than the players really wanted to give about the offensive blocking schemes.

In conclusion Ines Sainz has not lived up to the lofty journalistic standards of those who came before her like Erin Andrews. Maybe the two of them need to get together over some hot tea and just hug it out. They feel each other’s pain just like they are feeling each other’s trim backs as they embrace. As they slowly rub each other reassuringly they can each tell that the other works out regularly. Andrew’s mind drift to images of Ines on a rubber workout ball, just bouncing… When she awakes from her daydream she realizes their lips have already connected and Ines has oiled up the strap-on…

You should also check out SportsbyBrooks‘ and Deadspin’s take on this issue because this was just me being a confusing jerk.

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The Roast of Brett Favre

Relax, he's not really dead. Not for a lack of hopeful thinking though.
Relax, he's not really dead. Not for a lack of hopeful thinking though.

Logic: Hello, I’m Logic and I’ll be your Roastmaster General tonight. I welcome you all, and for those of you that don’t know, this is the Brett Favre Roast. Or Roast of Brett Favre. Whatever. It’s more like a cremation, anyway. You old bastard. If you try to take a dive and give one of the Giants a sack record this year, Osi Umenyiora might re-injure his leg on your walker. Do you think it’s weird that you could be Josh McDaniel’s daddy? It must have been weird with Eric Mangini last year, huh? So that means you were basically Rommel? Man, going to the Jets was such a bad career move. The last time I saw someone ruin their legacy that fast an 11 year-old ripped off Michael Jackson’s nose in self-defense. What the hell were you thinking? You have this amazing streak of playing all these games through injury, but people don’t realize that you were bad in half of those games. Yeah. Congrats on having one good season, Brett. No, I don’t want to hear it. You won one Super Bowl. You’re like a Trent Dilfer that couldn’t take the hint.

[camera shoots to Trent Dilfer chuckling like a bald idiot.]

(more…)

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From the Desk of the Beck U. Athletic Director

Alright gang. Perhaps you’ve heard- I’ve started a university. And I have news- we’re playing a full slate of football games this fall. I had a few simple rules for setting up the schedule.

-Don’t schedule Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard or Notre Dame. It’s unamerican.

-Don’t schedule dates or times. We’ll take them any time, any place.

-Don’t bother with rankings. We’re number one in the BCS. Beck Championship SUCKIT.

So, without further ado, the schedule for the Beck University Fightin’ Becksters. (more…)

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Teenage Girls Are The Worst

This summer I was not planning on coming home from college, but a last minute change in plans ruined all that, and as a result, I’ve had to deal with my 17 year old sister, and her friends all summer. And I think I can safely say, teenage girls are the worst people on the planet, hands down.

If you’re a woman and you’re reading this, congratulations, you made it through the hardest years of your life without your parents killing you, and believe me, if it was legal to, they would have. But since it’s not, they seriously considered 1) Sending you away to a convent, or 2) Locking you away in the highest room in the tallest tower. But believe me, killing you was their first choice.

I know teenage boys aren’t much better, but at least they sometimes follow rules. Stupid emo kids and their girl pants.
Really, after thinking long and hard about it, the only good thing about teenage girls is that now and again they become so warped they end up in porn for the writers of this blogs enjoyment. (Kidding…I think…) (more…)

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The Chris Henry Brain Disease Lesson

A tremor shook the NFL landscape yesterday as the results of former Bengals wide receiver, the late Chris Henry, autopsy were reported. In the findings were indications that Henry, who died in a tragic car accident December 17, 2009, was already suffering from a form of chronic brain disease called chronic traumatic encephalopathy. These results come at a time when the NFL is too slowly forcing the light on the violence of their own sport, addressing concussions and head injuries in a game played between human weapons. Players around the league were shocked, and voiced their concern, both for Henry and the state of the game.

“It’s truly frying grease that the NFL would allow such ex-squeezingly talented players to continue in such a caveman ear attitude when add dressing life correcting injuries while playing this marmalade game” Said former running back, Emmitt Smith.

(more…)

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BeckCenter

With the popularity of strong opinions in sports coverage, Rupert Murdoch decided to roll the dice with a new show, combining his shining star from one network with the sports resources of another. This is a rush transcript from the first show.

NOW WITH SPORTS!

Welcome- Welcome!- to the show. We’ve got a lot to cover here, a lot going on, and not a lot of balanced coverage from the so-called “leaders” of the sport news landscape. The big story on the docket today, college football. The University of Southern Californ-eye-ay got absolutely levelled in punishments doled out by the NCAA. Or did they? See, I’ve done the research and this is something, something you’re just not going to see on the other networks. Alabama was the last school to get a penalty like this, in 2002. And obviously, that devastated their prog- OH WAAAAAIT! They just won a national title! Clearly, the system works! I’m a fan of Notre Dame- maybe we should just commit a few violations, and within a few years, WHAMMO! The glory is restored! Shine up the dome, boys, we’re dancing an Irish jig under Touchdown Jesus! All it takes is some well-placed, well-compensated players and they might as well give us the crystal trophy. The person who really, I think, gets an unfair shake here is Lane Kiffin. This man has never been appreciated, no matter where he’s been, and has just shown up to work and crawled up the ladder to get his dream job. Now he finally gets there, and he has to deal with penalties that he had nothing to do with? Tell you what I do here- I tell Pete Carroll, I tell him right to his face, “Hey Pete- you lose 15 million from your salary cap this year. Suck on that big guy.” The Seahawks won’t be able to compete now, will they? I don’t have the numbers in front of me, but 15 million is a big chunk of the salary cap in any year, I know that much. I also know that Lane has done nothing wrong, and to punish him is downright unamerican. (more…)

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Why I Hate Your “Why I Hate The NY/NJ Super Bowl” Article

We're here! We're getting a Super Bowl! Get used to it!

I know what you were trying to do here. The fans kinda liked the idea. The game might see snow, and in spite of everything you’ve ever said, fans still love watching cold games. It’s actually a change of pace for a game that was starting to feel like a…well, a bowl game. So you went the other way. You said to yourself, “Self, the best way to rack up pageviews is to be a contrarian prick!” and ran with it. The shame of the matter is that only 80,000 other people took the same exact view as you. So, now, you are SO going DOWN.

The obvious quibble has been with the weather. However will our delicate little flowers handle a snowstorm in a championship game, pray tell? I’ve seen more than one article claim that weather shouldn’t be allowed to decide the game (because the conditions aren’t the same for both teams, eliminating it from being a variable and/or deciding anything). And I agree- why would we allow any conditions from the championship game to differ from any other game? It’s not like there are more frequent commercial breaks. Or an extended halftime. Or a two week lead up to the game. On top of that, there’s never been an interesting game played below 45 degrees. That’s just a fact. Never mind the fact that NYC averages 28.1” of snowfall a year and a high of 41 in February- this game will clearly be played in a winter wonderland. After all, they did have a blizzard this year, and because it happened once, it means it will happen every year from here on out until Barack Obama is out of office, tarred, feathered, and fed to a baby eagle. (more…)

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Don’t Worry, Jared Allen’s Mullet Just Moved South for the Summer

The world was aflame in anarchy and Samson like agony the last few weeks as everyone’s favorite mulleted hero apparently trimmed his strengths off for his nuptials. Yes, it was reported widely that Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen cut his mullet off and seemingly there was photographic evidence to prove it. But as we’ve learned with such things as Helicopter Shark, not everything you see on the internet is as it appears. PJD was able to obtain an exclusive interview with The Mullet itself and talk about it’s alleged disappearance and summer plans …

PJD: Mullet, thank you so much for sitting down with me. I know you’ve had a tough couple of weeks here. You made a brief appearance on The Gally Blog last week, sharing words of fire and anger that really seemed to hint towards a bitter divorce with Jared Allen, but what can you tell us about what really happened?

Mullet: … Am I seriously talking with some bowl cut looking pig fucker right now? Where the real reporters, or at least that Vikings Gab set of tits, Laylay Onamie or whatever her name is? I gotta talk with you? This is some shit. Ok, listen pasty face, yes, Jared and I had a pretty nasty public divorce, but a lot of it was misguided. He pulled me aside after our initial shaving and had some very interesting plans for me, something your hairless donkey ass probably wouldn’t understand.

PJD: Fair enough. I haven’t shaven in seven days and do have nary a shade of tuft on my cheeks. But perhaps our readers would be interested in your back story. Plans you say, what plans?

Mullet: Oh, it’s about to get saxy in here.

(more…)

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Jared Allen And His Mullet: A Trial Separation?

Jared and I in happier times.

Hey y’all, Mullet here. Just thought I’d check in, in light of the news. If you haven’t heard yet, Jared and I have split ways. In the name of “love”, he decided we should split. Why? Well that whore of his, has gotten in the way. They’re getting married, so as a measure of good will and I’m being told for the sake of the wedding pictures, he decided to split up with me.

In other words, my demise has been greatly exaggerated. I lived without that dick for many years, and I can do so again. I will take this time to make myself stronger and better than ever. No more side gigs as Hugh Hefner and Lindsay Lohan’s merkin. No longer will I take on the role of Phil Spector’s bizarre wannabe afro. Fuck that noise. I will survive on my own with or without the excessive use of ludes and horse tranquilizers. I would like to thank the guys at Tauntr for eulogizing me. Misguided as it was.

(more…)

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