Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Tuesday January 3rd 2012

‘Uncategorized’ Archive

Last Call: The Cold As Balls Edition

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Last Call isn’t just a place with the best links the Internet has to offer, sexy people and good music. No, it’s also a place to gather with like minded people and bitch about your day, rant about your favorite sports team or tell dirty jokes in the comment section. If you’re new here, welcome and stay away from the ficus. If you’ve been here before, you know the drill.

Musical Interlude:

Linkage:

Mashable: Why Social Media is bringing back the values of our Grandparents.
Joe Posnanski: The Pro Bowl gets a bad rap a lot of the time. Joe talks about how he concurs that it doesn’t matter, but that he’ll watch it anyways.
Wil Wheaton: Wil talks about why librarians are awesome, and why we should save libraries.
Edmonton Journal: Apparently social networking leads to couples having sex sooner.
27bslash6: David receives terrible, terrible customer service and responds hilariously.
Read Write Web: A graphical description of the Twitterverse.
Phys Org: Research shows that there’s a biochemical reaction between music and emotion.
Baltimore Sun: David Simon, the brilliance behind The Wire and others, responds to criticism from a top cop.
Real Food For Life: Men married to smarter women live longer.
Marc And Angel: 10 simple truths smart people forget. I’m assuming you assholes that read here are smart..
Playboy: It’s almost at the point where you can no longer vote for the lovely(and sweet) Shera Bechard(featured below) to be Playmate of The Year. You know, if you’re into attractive naked women or what have you.

White Chocolate Cheesecake with Cherry Gastrique: (more…)

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Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide- Divisional Round Playoff Picks Guaranteed to Lose

This is your weekly NFL betting guide written by the rubiest rube of all rubes, Nonpopulist. I have been making my own NFL lines since 2005, and while I am no expert I would rate myself as an above average prognosticator/ handicapper. The Rubetastic post will be a mixture of picking against Vegas lines, insight into why I think a line was set a certain way, what my own lines are and how I came to those lines, overall NFL betting trends I notice, apologies about being completely wrong the prior week, and a disclaimer that the post is all for fun and you assume all risk when betting on the advice of some jackhole on the internet.

Let’s see, last week I achieved the impossible, the seemingly impossible, as it were. I stank fingered a nun. I know, right? *Bro fives* I also picked each NFL game from Wildcard weekend wrong against the spread. I was on the wrong side of the bet each time. This should be the point at which you click away from this page or leave a comment calling me stupid. Let’s review my picks from last week that put me at a disappointing 0-4 for the postseason.

New Orleans  -10.5 @ Seattle: WRONG. No one saw Seattle winning this game. I should have gone with my instinct that the spread was too big.

New York Jets @ Indianapolis -2.5: WRONG. Peyton crapped the bed in the playoffs again. I should have seen that coming.

Baltimore @ Kansas City +3: WRONG. My vision in which I saw Jamaal Charles running for a long touchdown and Kansas City upsetting Baltimore was partly correct but was obviously a product of Satan. I’ll get you for this, Satan.

Green Bay @ Philadelphia -2.5: WRONG. Mike Vick, you were supposed to be a Cinderella. You let me down.

Let’s move on to next week.

I shouldn’t have any confidence in my picks this week, but I do. I’m such an idiot. If you agree with any of these picks make sure you change your mind.

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh -3: This game is a toss up. I give Pittsburgh the edge due to playoff experience. I guess I should say recent successful playoff experience. Flacco is still a liability.
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Last Call: The Twitterfied Edition

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Last Call is a place to share the latest and greatest the Internet has to offer, as well as a place to converse with like minded degenerates. Enjoy

Musical Interlude:

Linkage:

The Oatmeal: How to make your online shopping cart much better. Or suck less.
Trends Map: Are you on the Twitterz? Are you into socialogical experiments? Trends Map gives you live, real time information on who and what is trending in your city.
Wonder Tonic: Haha. A real time feed of people tweeting their poops. Haha.
Tweet Stats: I love this site. Love it. This page gives you graphs and charts of your tweeting. Very interesting.
SB Nation: The venerable Spencer Hall gives us 43 can’t miss predictions about tonights BCS Championship game between Oregon and Auburn. Go Ducks.
Houston Press: A list of the ten sexiest Texan’s. If you can make it past #7 without masturbating, you’re a far better man(or woman) than I am.
Daddys Sugar Ball: Understanding Roger Goodell’s letter to the fans.
Playboy: I don’t ask for much, but won’t you help out my Twitter friend, Shera Bechard, win Playmate of the Year by voting for her?
It’s What I like: Possibly the sexiest, and hottest .gif of all time. Not for prudes.

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How to successfully text dong pictures

Poor Brett Favre.  His adventures in reproductive organ image transference appear to have gone horribly awry, and now everyone in the world (including his wife!) knows about it.  So where did he go wrong?  Well, that’s why I’m here to help today.  With the WSR method, you too can successfully send dong pictures to unsuspecting women (or men, Gally)!


1) Be in the same age range.

Brett’s first mistake was sending pictures to someone half his age.  They’re going to be disgusted by it, unless you’re Roger Sterling.  Really, the only way you should be sending cock shots to anyone who isn’t within about 3-5 years of your age is if it’s a woman who’s about 15-20 years older than you.  But for this piece, we’re not going to get into advanced technique.


2) Timing is everything.

Once you’ve got the right target, you need to pick the right time.  Realistically, you need to know when they’re going to want to be looking at a phallus.  That’s why I recommend sending your picture at between 12:45 am and 2 am on a Friday or Saturday.  She’ll probably be out drinking, and that’s the ideal time to strike.  Whatever you do, don’t send some picture on a Monday afternoon of you manhandling yourself while sitting around wearing just a pair of crocs.


3) Make sure you have the right equipment.

Really, the last and most important thing is the one you probably have no control over.  If you can take a picture of your junk and you don’t need to lean back to get it all in the frame, you’re too small.  Delete the picture, and forget everything else you read here.


If you follow these easy steps, you too can embarrass yourself for one and only one person.  But any mistake with any of these steps could lead to national infamy.


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You Always Were The Perfect Fan

Hence, it’s easier for original fans to dump on newer fans than to tolerate them and hope they advance the cause of whatever they like. I notice this every time I mention the UFC or poker — there’s this bizarre (and totally dismissive) backlash, as if I’m not allowed to watch those sports or even mention them because I’m not a real fan. Well, how do you become a real fan? By liking a sport without disliking the core people who like it. So it’s a self-perpetuating cycle, and as weird as this sounds, the original fans like it that way. It maintains their ownership of the product. When the product outgrows them (specifically in the case of a creative entity), that’s when the core fans start throwing around phrases like “jumped the shark” and “sold out,” mostly because they’re bitter it’s not just them and the product any more.”

-Bill Simmons, July 22nd mailbag.

For all the Simmons bashing that goes on the Internet, here he actually hits on something that is probably bigger than he makes it sound. He called it something stupid (“The Cult of Status Quo”), but the real fan argument is one of my least favorite things in the sporting world. It invades bar arguments, destroys internet forums, and is among the things that makes Yahoo! comments unreadable. The entire idea is knuckle-draggingly stupid- but not because people get bitter and cry sell-out (Shockingly, there’s a difference between sports debate and debate over Simmons’ career). It’s stupid because there’s no good definition of a what true fan is, or should be.

For reference, let’s look at a few hypothetical fans.

Fan #1 is a nearly lifelong fan. The team was good in this fan’s youth, so fandom probably started as a bandwagon thing (kids do that stuff). The quality of the team diminished, but the fan remained, attended games whenever possible. Now the fan still follows closely, and is a decently active member of blogs devoted to the team…which mainly act as a support group. Also, owns multiple jerseys from different eras. Watches only some of the team’s games, but living out of market (and the crappiness of internet feeds) is the main reason for that.

Fan #2 (more…)

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Last Call: Post 4th of July Hangover Edition

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Last Call is kind of like Blogkakke, only on PCP, LSD and ludes. Fucking ludes man. Instead of just being a random link dump, it’s a place to congregate with fellow like minded sports fans, alcoholics and amateur comedians. So come on in, kick your shoes off and crack a beer; then regale us with a witty joke, bitch about that local sports team or ask Logic about the proper way to perform a “rape” choke. If you have something you’d like to see here, our contact info is over on the right and there’s always the tip line, tips @ thegallyblog.com

Musical Interlude

“Elephant Riders (Live)” – Clutch

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Last Call

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Last Call is kind of like Blogkakke, only on PCP, LSD and ludes. Fucking ludes man. Instead of just being a random link dump, it’s a place to congregate with fellow like minded sports fans, alcoholics and amateur comedians. So come on in, kick your shoes off and crack a beer; then regale us with a witty joke, bitch about that local sports team or ask Logic about the best in local ball pits. If you have something you’d like to see here, our contact info is over on the right and there’s always the tip line, tips @ thegallyblog.com

Musical Interlude:

Linkage:

BBC: Remember all those times you were told to sit up straight? Well you were doing it wrong. Lean back young Skywalkers.
Cracked: Six slacker behaviors that Science says are good for you. According to this, I’m going to live forever.
Salon: Say it ain’t so. A requiem for Chat Roulette.
ABC: Hell yeah! I think anyways. A man lost 24 lbs by eating nothing but pizza for a month and combining it with some exercise. His point was to show that portion control and exercise is all that we need to do to stop being big fatties.
Cleverbot: Clever bot is exactly that, a clever bot… that learns from its interactions with people. Ask it a joke, talk Internet meme’s with it or just have a random conversation. Be warned, if you lob up a softball, it will occasionally hit it out of the park and then mock you.
Ben Koo: ESPN pays bloggers, but just not their own sadly. There’s only one comment on the article, but it’s an epic one.
The Nervous Breakdown: How an author accidentally got 700,000 fans on Facebook.
Purple Jesus Diaries: Getting to know Jared Allen’s mysterious basement. Did you know he tortures kitties there?
Big Boi: Big Boi has a new album out and he’s streaming it for free on his website. You’re welcome if you’re into that kind of thing.
Black Heart Gold Pants: Yes, we “reported” on this earlier, but here’s a serious take on Chris Henry having Chronic Trauma Encephalopathy.
Londonist: London’s Twitter traffic mapped topographically. Pretty interesting actually.
1940 Chronicle: This is the best thing ever. This is what would have happened if the Internet had existed during WWII and someone had taken the time to blog about it’s daily events and happenings.

Cheesecake for the guys: (more…)

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Morning After Pill – 6/24

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

FIFA World Cup

United States 1 Algeria 0

England 1 Slovenia 0

Germany 1 Ghana 0

Australia 2 Serbia 1

NHL

Last night’s NHL Award show from Las Vegas was absolutely painful to watch.  Fortunately, there were 2 high points: Duncan Keith completely ignoring the “wrap it up” music and continuing to go on and on until the NHL just cut to a different camera, and a video clip with Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf.

MLB

Interleague play still sucks dong.  It’s completely competitively balanced.  The Royals defeated Stephen Strasburg and the Royals.  Since they’re in the same division, I’m sure the Twins will get a shot at the Royals, right?  (The answer is no because Bud Selig is a mouthbreathing douchenozzle that should be choked to death with used buttplugs procured from gay porn.)  Oh, and  congratulations to the Royals for giving Strasberg his first loss, 1-0.

NFL

Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything.

Brad Childress is still a complete retard.  It takes a special kind of moron to make me miss the tactical brilliance of Mike Tice.

Redhead

 

Ahhh, 1997.



Remember when Gillian Anderson was hot?  It’s a shame she was wasted just being on that show with David Duchovney.

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Last Call

Amiright?

Last Call is kind of like Blogkakke, only on PCP, LSD and ludes. Fucking ludes man. Instead of just being a random link dump, it’s a place to congregate with fellow like minded sports fans, alcoholics and amateur comedians. So come on in, kick your shoes off and crack a beer; then regale us with a witty joke, bitch about that local sports team or ask logic about the newest developments in date rape. If you have something you’d like to see here, our contact info is over on the right and there’s always the tip line, tips @ thegallyblog.com

Musical Interlude:

Linkage:

Tech Crunch: So, remember a little while back when I posted that the Internet is making us dumb? Well here’s a guy trying to debunk it.
Telegraph: Well, NASA is predicting a once in a generation solar flare that could cause huge devastation in 2013. Good thing the world will be over by then right? I wouldn’t look too seriously into this as we’re in a period of unexplained low solar flare output, so who knows what’s what?
With Leather: Was Robert Green distracted after being dumped by his model girlfriend? Perhaps, but I’ve had better.
Princess Complex: So, um there’s pubic hair dye… Whitney Cummings has far better jokes about it than I do, so click the link.
EDSBS: The Dan Beebe Pyramid Scheme.
Puck Daddy: The Sharks seem to want Evgeni Nabokov back, which might show a disdain for winning.
The Arena Blog: Why this XBox-ESPN exclusive partnership may not actually be a big deal.
Crysturbating: Fuck that Bros icing Bros shit. How about Gentlemen enjoying Jameson with other Gentlemen.

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The Morning After Pill: Cheesecake Edition

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

NFL: I don’t even know where to begin with this story. Vince Young got into a fight at a strip club and is being charged with a misdemeanor assault. The reason behind the fight? A guy made the Texans “Hook ‘em Horns” sign, but upside down and while mocking Vince’s alma mater. Look for Herr Goodell to throw the book at him and have Vince drawn and quartered in the public square.

NBA: I may not be a big basketball guy, but I know a thing or two about the game. Namely that the game is played in a five on five fashion. Unfortunately for Kobe Bryant and the Lakers, his teammates thought that Kobe could do the whole thing by himself and squandered his 38 point night. From what I gather, some of the announcers had a stick up their ass about Kobe taking so many shots, but when everyone else is missing them why not go to the good guy? Paul Pierce had 27 points for the Celtics as they won by a 92-86 margin. The series continues Tuesday in Los Angeles as the Lakers have to win two straight to take the championship. Look for the Lakers to win Tuesday as the NBA ref fixing will be going on in full force thanks to this guy.

MLB: Steven Strasburg had another 8 strikeouts in his follow up game last night in 5 1/3 innings. What a bum. Couldn’t even get two strikes per inning. He also gave up another HR, though it was the only run he gave up. The thing I don’t get is that his changeup is hitting 92 mph. I know his fastball hits 100, but how is a 92 mph pitch a changeup. Jamie Moyer has only hit 92 once in his life and he’s been starting in the majors for 50 years now. Oh, and the Nationals beat the Indians 9-4. The Cubs beat their crosstown rivals, the White Sox, 1-0. I know, dismissive wank right? Who cares about two shitty Chicago teams being in a low scoring affair? Well this one was interesting as both Gavin Floyd and Ted Lilly carried no-hitters into the 7th inning, when Jonah Keri jinxed them. Ted Lilly managed to keep his no-hitter going on into the ninth when Juan “Lucky” Pierre had a single. The Twinkies lost to the Braves 7-3 and the Metspocalypse continues as the Mets beat the Orioles 11-4. The Mets had 4 HR’s last night, including two by David Wright.

College Football: I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. The Big 12 is going to join the Pac 10, SEC, NATO, Big 10, IMF, Waffle House, Deadspin, ACC and/or the Empire. Some or none of that may be true, but for the latest on what’s going on, try here. Gah, that report is ALREADY OUTDATED, so here’s newer info.

CFL: Oh man. Some of these headline writers are brilliant. “Esks fall in a ‘turf’ war with Stampeders”, was the tagline. The payoff was that it was the first game played on Commonwealth Stadium’s new artificial turf. Calgary won the game 23-21 in both teams first pre-season game. Jared Zabransky made it into the game for the Eskimos, woot!? Though the New England Patriots also have installed the next-gen FieldTurf Duraspine Pro surface at Gillette Field, this is the first time a professional football game has been played on the surface as the Esks installed it this spring. What I don’t get is why did they get rid of the grass? It’s an outdoor stadium.

Gratuitous Cheescake: (more…)

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