The NFL season is at it’s 1/3 mark and I’m already thinking playoffs. Why? Because I’m a douche bag. There. I said it. Build a bridge and get over it. Now, I just put a lot of work into this. It’s called “Confidence Picks”. I heard it on ESPN Radio today and this is my variation of it. I took the NFL team ranking of Passing Offense, Rushing Offense, Passing Defense and Rushing Defense and Coaching (objective ranking, of course); then I added the numerical value of all of these rankings for one set number. The lowest number is the Confident Pick to win the Super Bowl. Get it?
Okay, that’s the list. Obviously the Titans have a tough road ahead of them to win the Super Bowl, but they have two aspects of their game in the top 10 of the NFL. You can just tell that their Passing Defense is killing them by coming in at 31st in the league. The Vikings would be much higher on the list if they had a coach that ANYONE who watches the NFL would call “decent”, but that’s a stretch and he probably couldn’t coach my high school team (we were 3-5 my senior year). On the other hand, at the top of the list are 3 undefeated teams, so my system was fairly accurate compared to “an analyst” who came out with Power Rankings.
There you have it. You can do the math yourself if you want (with the NFL.com rankings). Or if you would prefer not destroying hours of your life like I did, any and all stats will be available upon request by email or in the comments section. Especially the rankings I gave the “coaching” due to the subjective nature. Just for reference, Bill Bellichick is #1 and Brad Childress is #32. And Rex Ryan’s coaching ability may or may not have been influenced by this.
*p.s. Giants didn’t get #2 in coaching to get a higher ranking. They got 13.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the goings on in the sporting world. Certain teams and sports are left out due to either lack of caring or an extreme hangover. Maybe a weak hangover also, we’re kind of soft like that.
NFL: Percy Harvin of the Minnesota Vikings has not been practicing due to a bum shoulder. They won’t say which one it is, but the LITE FM radio station that was on while I was getting my teeth cleaned said they thought it was his left. What will the mean for the Vikings when facing the Ravens this weekend at Mall of America Field (are you F’ing kidding me, btw?)? Only time will tell. That and the pregnancy test your girlfriend took.
So I was paging through the cable guide trying to find something awesome to watch, and I happened upon this gem: The American Huntress. Based on the logo you would think it’s a show full of chicks with huge tits, running around with rifles, pouring water down their cleavage in the hot Savannah sun, moaning about how badly they want to strip down and then bake you a pie. This is not the case.
This is my weekly section where I will bring you topics from the sporting world (obscure or otherwise) that “I Don’t Get”. I’ll either discover the legitimacy of something thought absurd, or further exploit the sheer stupidity of it all. This week I bring you…
Minnesota Sports & the Inevitable Choke.
Now, I’m a hometown girl through-and-through. I’m a Vikings season ticket holder, and I go to as many other games as I have time for. Like all other prideful Minnesotans, I go into each season with a blind faith and voracity for my squad that would leave even the most devout of Catholics doing 85 Hail Marys. And like any good Minnesotan, I will hold out hope until that final nail is in the coffin.
So why is it that we can’t get a franchise that doesn’t blow their load the instant they make it to the playoffs? Basically every local team that anyone actually cares about is guilty of this; so don’t come at me with some B.S. about how our minor league lacrosse team won nationals, or our lumberjacking crew beat Canada for the title of “Most Lumberjackiest”. Let’s go through this team-by-team…
I fear two things in life: liver failure and kids. I guess I’m just holding out hope that we as humans evolve to the point where we no longer need our livers. Kind of like how we no longer need our appendix. But enough evolutionary jibber jabber.
What about kids?
Okay not kids per se, just the kid from the above video. He’s like the perfect fighting/killing machine. He’s quick, compact, and can lull adults into a false sense of security with his dimples and youthful angst. Which is the best way to have someone lower their guard right before you break off one of their various limbs.
You try telling a kid like that he can’t have dessert. Go ahead and try, I dare you.
His only weakness?
Shiny objects and video games. ADD is a real bitch like that. Why do you think I carry a PSP on me at all times? If you said because I’m a pedophile you can eat a dick. Looking at you Logic.
Hitting your head with your helmet? Hmmm. Good for psyching out your opponent, but totally bad for your fucking head. Seahawks’ FB Owen Schmitt didn’t get that memo; but give the man credit, and by credit I mean a CAT Scan. Say what you will about opening up your own skull with your own head, because it must have worked. The Jaguars didn’t even have the slightest semblance of a team ready to play football as they lost 41-0. That has to count for something besides stupidity and a bunch of stitches. On a Fantasy Football related note: having the Jags’ kicker Josh Scobee really helped my team out this week. And by helped out, I mean it totally ass fucked me.
So, that was Swiperboy as part of Tennessee’s campaign to get Eric Berry the Heisman Trophy. Eric Berry is a phenomenal player, and there’s no reason that he shouldn’t be included in the Heisman race. The trophy is designated to be given to the most outstanding player in the nation. He is definitely one of the best players, but lately the trophy has been given to the most glamorous QB in the country, even though they have their own award.
This year he’s on pace for 108 tackles as a defensive back. That’s incredible. In the Florida game he was all over the field, seemingly playing LB, corner and safety. He crushed Tebow in a huge collision, and he even picked off one of White Jesus 2.0′s passes, and nobody does that – he’s only thrown 12 interceptions in his entire career.
There are people who are going to say that he’s not playing nearly well enough this year, as he only has the one aforementioned interception this year, and didn’t return it for a TD. Those people are complete idiots. The reason he’s not getting all the INT’s that we’re used to is because teams aren’t throwing to his side of the field as much anymore. It’s the Champ Bailey/Nnamdi Asomugha effect; they shut guys down to the point that teams don’t throw their way anymore.
He’s going to be a top 5 pick in the draft this year, or next year – whichever he decides to declare for the draft. I would propose that there’s not a single team in the NFL that wouldn’t draft him if they had the chance. I would even surmise that if a team with an established QB has the #1 pick, he will be the leading candidate for first overall draft pick.
I’m sorry that it’s not going to happen, Eric. The Heisman has turned into a complete farce. If I was a member of the voting group, you would have my pick, but alas I am not. I might even have to cheer for you if you somehow end up with the Patriots.
How awesome would it be, though, if your voice were actually that low?
Here is his official campaign page. Check it out as there’s some impressive highlight reels.
via EDSBS.
Tito Ortiz is most famous for being a professional MMA fighter. In case you are unfamiliar with the man whose head is shaped like a gorilla allow me to list some of his accolades: former UFC Light-heavyweight Champion, Celebrity Apprentice contestant, as well as the dater and impregnator of Porn Queen/Walking Skeleton Jenna Jameson. However, the below video shows that if/when Tito’s career fizzles out (it hasn’t yet?) he can always look forward to a career in motivational speaking.
[Edit-The video has been taken down. Unfortunately. If we find it again, we'll put it up]
Nothing says get your life together like being belittled by a guy with bleach blonde hair and his anorexic baby mama, who has probably seen more cock than a chicken rancher. Yes Mr. Homeless man, if you clean cars you too can someday be famous and get paid for taking shots to the face, or maybe if you’re lucky you’ll be able to fight professionally for money.
Really? This is the kind of shit you have to put up with any time you discuss any of the Miami teams. FML…
Hey you’re from south Florida, aren’t you a Fins fan?
Negative.
It’s a terrible thing to stereotype fandom based solely on geographical location. Just because I live in the frenulum of the dong shaped state known as Florida does not mean I cheer for the Finned ones. I may bet on them from time to time, but that doesn’t equate to team allegiance.
Dolphins are numero uno, mang!
Uh they’re 0-3. I fail to see how that means they’re #1.
Now back to what I was saying. Imagine if you will, you’re a Dolphins fan. Last season you won the AFC East, which is definitely a good thing. However, this season you’re off to an 0-3 start and your star starting quarterback Chad Pennington is done for the season with a shoulder injury.
Which may be no big deal if you were looking at Chad Henne to be the future leader of the team. However, Bill Parcells appears to have a different idea. One that his superior intelligence and football knowledge has decided it’s a good idea to trade for Tyler Thigpen…of the Kansas City Chiefs…
The fuck?
Ruh roh!
Even the dog agrees.
I may be recalling this incorrectly, heavy drinking does tend to distort how you experience things, but it seemed like it was on a weekly basis that Thigpen would start, then be benched in favor of Brodie Croyle, only to start again the following week. The tandem of Thigpen and Coryle combined to make one sub-par quarterback. Or to put it in perspective, Tavaris Jackson…But far whiter. Or go put it in even further perspective, a non-Jewish version of Sage Rosenfels.
My guess is that neither Henne, Thigpen, or Pennington are the long term solution at QB for the Dolphins. Who is? I haven’t the slightest clue. What I do know is that Pennington’s contract is done at the end of the season, so Henne either needs to sack up or get used to a career as a backup. And please can we hold off on the Tebow to the Dolphins talk, for at least a few more months. That would be awesome.
The Yankees/Red Sox rivalry. An embittered rivalry so intense and so American that it makes the race wars of the 80s look like a neighborhood quarrel over property line landscaping. Both Yankees and Sox fans will smugly go into ungodly detail about their World Championships and All Star players.
And just for kicks take two overly boisterous (ie loud and drunk) Yankees and Sox fans, put them together, and you’ll definitely be in for a show. Think of it like watching two Chinese Fighting Fish (ie Betta fish) go at it to the death, but much drunker and with way funnier and more obnoxious accents.
FACK YOU!
FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK!
So when I hear about an incident involving a Yankees fan, a Red Sox fan, and a dispute over a team shirt I’m really none too surprised. But when I come to find out it involves a child (Yankees fan), a teacher (Red Sox fan), and the child having to turn his Yankees t-shirt inside out I have to step back for a second and go “WTF?” Well that and pour myself another whiskey and diet, but enough about me.
Van Buren Elementary fourth-grader Nathan Johns thought his teacher was kidding when he instructed him to go to the bathroom and turn his Yankees T-shirt inside out.
The blue shirt read “New York No. 52” on the front and “Sabathia” for the New York Yankees’ pitcher CC Sabathia, on the back.
Listen kid making you put your shirt on inside out would have been the least of your problems if the Red Sox fan in question was a priest and not your teacher. It would have added a whole new meaning to the term “squeeze play.” Besides it was a shirtzee. He did you a favor. You think the bullies were giving you shit for your shirt being inside out. How do you think they would have reacted if they knew you were wearing a shirtzee? Besides the hurt and the pain you experienced as a result of this incident will pale in comparison to the feeling of disappointment you’ll experience after the Yankees choke in the playoffs. Hey, I may not follow baseball, but I’m up on my Schadenfreude.
