Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at Logic@TheGallyBlog.com or @THElogic and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related but I do like to hear about enterTAINTment issues as well. Other times it can be sexy but it can never…NEVER be about suicide. You won’t like my answer. As always, I was emailed a fantastic story from a witty reader…
(e-mail in italics, Logic in bold and italics)
Dear Logic the Lonely, Lonely Idiotbrained Bigot,
Hello. I hope this finds you well. And by that, I mean I hope this finds you at the bottom of a well filled with snakes and mayonnaise. You disgust me. I heard your stand up comedy. You think that is funny? Celebrating anti-Semitic behavior? I can only pray to Moses that the next time a Muslim comes to New York City with a jihad in mind, they prepare better than a fist full of firecrackers, some fertilizer and propane tanks because I will direct that Muslim into your comedy show, sir. I promise you this.
Now, on to my email. I have a situation. I know this hateful, racist slut that pretends he is a professional blogger. He likes to make fun of sick and weak humans during the best times of their life because he is jealous that they had one happy moment in their life. One moment more than he would ever have. I was just curious as to what he would have to say about a cute kid pretending he is a super hero. Oh, and he has cancer. Maybe he will show a heart? Maybe he will transform into the jelly fish that he is every time he gets behind a mic or laptop computer?
Sincerely,
Harvey Horowitz
(Editor’s Note: Oof)
Dear Harvey,
I’m not sure if you know me. My name is Logic. You seem to have described AJ Dauelerio? Maybe you got the wrong email address? Ah. Whatever. I can help you out.
Look at me, you cross eyed little shit.
Alright look. I don’t want to be a dick as much as the next guy, but things need to get said. I don’t quite know what you’re asking me but I think I have advice for this kid. It’s time to stop being such a faggot and get out of the spandex. We get it. You have liver cancer. Whatever. That’s like the easiest cancer to get rid of. Hell, you could probably have Ernie Harwell’s liver, it’s probably still warm.
Honestly, I don’t even see what the big deal is. 13 years old? You never got to experience life yet. No one is taking anything special away from you. I mean, c’mon, you look like you would’ve wasted it throwing poke balls at your Pomeranian dog while only drinking Soy milk. Besides, nothing you can be going through can be worse than a ground and pound from a University of Virginia lacrosse player.
Lookit here, Electron Boy. That’s a goofy name. You know what electrons are? Negative. Yep. That’s straight science, homey. I’ll call you homey because you are black, see. You need to be positive. Plus, you need to be creative. That’s why you change your goofy ass name to Positron Man. See what I did there? Boys are weak. Men are strong. We have big dicks. A Big swinging dick mentality, is what you need. Plus, then you can keep all the goofy electricity stuff. Except, now you are charged positively with protons! HIV Positively Charged. Right? Wait. It was cancer. Okay, scratch that last part. No, you can keep the electric stuff. Whatever, gayboy.
As for the community who did this to the little dork, you should be ashamed of yourself. You know crushed kids get when they find out there is no Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Jesus? It’s fucking heartbreaking. How is this kid going to handle high school? He’s going to take out his little lightning rod and the starting linebacker on the football team is going to stick his nappy head in a toilet for Christ’s sake. Or he’s going to nickname his penis the lightning rod and ask girls if they want to see it and then BAM! C and D letters up the ass.
Alright. I guess that about answers your question. I’m sure I can Google Dauelerio’s email for you, it’s not hard? Anyway, I think the kid should get a new liver if the cancer hasn’t spread all over his body. Let him grow up to drink that thing to death via cirrhosis, the fun way, the Logic way!
Last night our very own Logic performed stand-up comedy at an open mic night at Governor’s Comedy Club in Levittown, New York, which is on Long Island for those of us not familiar with New York City. It sounds cooler to just say New York city. I have obtained exclusive rights from Logic himself to write a review of the proceedings. Here is the video again of him doing his thing for your convenience. Keep in mind this is only his 7th time doing a routine in front of people. I bet Larry the Cable guy was just making mouth fart and armpit noises at that point in his career… and he’s still doing it now! Heyoooo! Make sure to give him your feedback before the allegations of statutory rape catch up with him. My review below the video.
Overall the performance was funny and offensive (the trait I value most in comedy.) You can tell he was a little nervous, but I don’t see you doing any better, jerk. The O’doul’s beer joke was hilarious and the crowd had a cool reaction to it. I don’t want to hear any knocks on Logic *refuses to use his real name* looking at his notes. Many comics do that when they are working out material. I heard it in an interview or documentary one time. The single biggest point of praise I can give Logic is the crowd reacted. They responded with gasps and laughs. There was a cackler in the crowd too. Hey, cackle much? I don’t really have a reason to lie because I don’t even know Logic in real life. I’m not even comfortable using his real name. My rating would be 7 out of 10 with upside potential. Let Logic hear from you in the comment section. You better kiss up now before he’s too cool for your crap.
Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at Logic@TheGallyBlog.com or @THElogic and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy and you know I’m always down for a little Russian Chat Roulette.
(e-mail in italics, Logic in bold and italics)
Dear Created Witty Nickname for a Hateful Faggot,
Good morning, Logic. I hope this email finds you well. I hope that God was done tormenting you for the first 23 years of your life and finally decided that you and a bus should occupy the same exact position at the same exact time. I’ve never hated anyone on this entire planet as much as I do you. You have zero talent. All you do is just think of the most heinous thing you could possibly think off. You’re racist, sexist and the farthest thing from politically correct I can think of. At least Jim Jefferies makes things funny, I’m surprised he didn’t puke on you in your Twitter picture. Nothing would make me happier if you were castrated and crucified.
That being said, I was surprised when Punte from With Leather posted this link and you didn’t see it. All you do is read Deadspin and With Leather and post the one story where you can make a fart joke. I mean what more could a moron like you ask for? Retards playing basketball! Weeeeee!
I’m sorry I took so much of your time. I’m sure that it is happy hour at some bar that is 23 for guys, 18 for girls to party. And they don’t proof the 18 year olds. Hell, I bet you are even too cheap to roofie. You probably just club them like the caveman you are. They can’t say no, if you don’t ask. Scumbag.
Sincerely,
Get a Hobby
————————
Dear Dad Get a Hobby,
First off, I don’t appreciate you stealing threats from Tony Kornheiser! That is awful. Secondly, I heard when you were born, some one walked by your mom and said “Look at that cunt coming out of that cunt’s cunt!” (Much better to steal from Louis CK). Third, this is just sad. There is nothing worse than false hope and what you are doing is just spreading it to their family. By family, of course, I mean the Palins. I can’t believe she squeezed out enough retards to have a basketball scrimmage. How much drinking does she do during pregnancy? Who knows, they might not ALL be her kids. I thought I even saw Levi Johnston try to go for a lay up. For Christ’s sake. #13 looked exactly like chubby little Bristol.
Though, I don’t know if I really mind this. It’s not like they are forcing normal kids to go against these kids and high five their snot covered fingers. On the other hand, that could make it worse. The kids with mild talent think they are All-Stars. You see that kid who looked like Sloth from The Goonies little brother dribble through 5 bumbling idiots? Those lumbering, meaty breasted nothings didn’t even make an attempt for a steal! In a close game like that, I would like to see a hard foul. Something along the lines of a lobotomy. Maybe that would straighten those kids out. I mean he already had the worst hair cut I’ve seen since JFK, post-assassination and shaving is half the battle.
And what was with #8′s sweatband? Do they even have sweat glands? I thought they just pant like puppies? My God, how did they fill the stands? Did they pass out free blowjobs during halftime? That was more people than went to my high school team’s games. I would rather watch someone I love get raped by Patrick Ewing and the old Knicks than a bunch of mongoloids slobber all over some orange rubber.
My last question? Who cleans up the drool? Do they have a mop for that? That shit is tough to get out, you know, when my dog drools on the floor. Sometimes it’s not that bad. When your mom drools on my dick, I just wipe it on your sister’s teddy bear. Done deal.
Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at HatedHero11@Gmail.com or @Hbomb47 and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. Whatever your little heart desires. I’m not picky, especially when I’m drunk. I’ve even fisted your sister. That’s right. Sister Fister, they call me.
Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at HatedHero11@gmail.com or @Hbomb47 and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. Whatever your little heart desires. I’m not picky. I’ve fucked a fat ginger before. I swear. Actually it was on the beach and I gave her the Screamin’ Seagull. No lies.
Now, let me get into the email I received (letter in italics, Logic in bold)
Hey now. It’s Friday and I’m going out drinking. What does that mean in a sports-blogging sense? Well…I’ll be drunk? Anywho, I often do a segment called Use Logic in which I right the wrongs in the sports world, for example: Use Logic v1.0 and my personal favorite the one that lead to me getting Swine Flu, Use Logic v5.0. I thought it would be a good idea to not sift through my hundreds of emails daily for that perfect sports question (but feel free to do it, HatedHero11@Gmail.com) that I need to answer. Instead, just ask me on this cooky website that I got from YankeesMeg and boy, does she like to yank!
So go to FormSpring and ask me anything you want. It can be about life, love and laughing because that’s what every girl has in their profile picture. Or it can be about mouth-breathing, Bazooka chewing, acne-riddled douche bags at Best Buy that sell me my iPhone (did I mention to anyone that I got an iPhone?) and make me want to punch them in their giant zit that sits on their shoulders head. It can even be about how you think OJ didn’t do it. Whatever man, we’ll cover all sorts of topics. I was a history major. So now that I stopped being a caveman and got a data phone, you can have Logical access anytime you want! Oh, and when I was a caveman, I didn’t hate Geico but I did listen to The Sounds a lot.
Can we all agree that “Under Construction” is the best album ever?
This story would have surfaced much quicker, but the tabloids seem to have been wasting their time on all the other victims of the Tiger Attacks. People fail to realize that I am from Long Island, New York. If you don’t know the golf significance of that, here you go (exact distance from my favorite bar to Bethpage Black). I just want you to know, that I went to the US Open in 2009, but that is almost irrelevant. It was the after party that got hectic. Where I was raped by Tiger Woods…
Nikki Hunter from NY's Lingerie Football League team
As you know, I’ve been on a hiatus until I took the LSAT. I used this as a studying technique because I have no self-control and usually when on my computer, I’m drinking something I shouldn’t. A lot has happened in the sporting world during my break from blogging. For instance, a particular golfer got caught using all of my moves (ex: ambien sex, the line ” I will work you”). Not cool, Tiger. I almost had my sister say she slept with Tiger Woods because at this point, he doesn’t even know who he’s paying off. Plus, if he was chillen with Jeter….he probably de-pants’d thousands of women. Anywho, there also has been much more news. More relevant to Logic as well. So in order to address all of these headlines equally and offer my solutions, I decided it would be fitting to get into the Christmas Spirit by offering my List (sorry Jewish Readers).
Once again, I’ve been emailed by a Logician with an important story that needs to be addressed. This particular issue has weighed heavy on my heart and I tried laying it to the side but it was again brought to my attention and therefor, it cannot be ignored. Not to mention I’m in a bad mood and going to let some one have it. As always, my email address is HatedHero11@gmail.com if you have any tips or submissions. Here’s the letter in its entirety in italics, followed by my response in bold:
Dear Logic (or should I say “Greenman” LOLz!),
Hello and thank you for fielding my letter. This is very important. I’m sorry to interrupt your hectic sports month with the Yankees being in the World Series and all…I think it’s very cool that you take the time out to answer all your fan mail from us Logicians!
Now, to get to my question. I’ve noticed that there is this big “pandemic” lately, something called “swine flu”? I guess. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not a sinner and I wouldn’t get sick like that because God loves me. I don’t know what type of evil these people have in their bodies but it is obviously very strong if something minuscule like “the flu” will kill them! Am I right? I know what you’re thinking, Logic (Ed. Note: Trust me. You have no idea). I’m not a bad person. You, your the bad person. I just need help on this issue because seeing it (and laughing)makes me think that I’m being a bad person. Anyway, here’s the video:
Now Logic, I have a few questions:
Is it bad to say that I would still have sex with her?
Is she still a good cheerleader?
Is it worth it just to die with the flu?
That black reporter seemed smug. Well, I guess that’s not a question.
What’s amazing about this? Does she recover? They just show her struggle.
Logic, I have many more. But I understand that your time is money and the Yankees got Sabathia on the bump. So, please get back to me whenever you get a chance.
Sincerely,
CheerFever
Dear CheerFever,
First off, that is a truly despicable pen-name for this situation. I commend you.
/swigs whiskey
I’m in no mood for any of this garbage. I’ve been having a bad few weeks because despite the Yankees in the World Series, I truly only care about Football and Notre Dame has no shot at a big bowl game. As well as the Giants losing 3 weeks in a row. I also have some personal issues that I won’t bore you with. (crowd cheers) Oh, real mature. You guys are about as cool as a bag of dicks.
Now, to get to your letter…I don’t think it is mean of you to say that you would still sex her down (Ed. Note: syndrome that is! Wakka Wakka Wakka!). I’m sure she would actually appreciate the compliment. You know her husband hasn’t given her any since she turned into a mongoloid. That guy is probably thinking about the raw deal he got. “Wow, I can’t believe I married such a hot woman who aspires to be a professional football cheerleader! What a lucky guy I am” is what I imagine he said on his wedding day. And then he cheated on her once and POW! Now he has medical bills and drooling to deal with. As for your second question, I would think that she is a bad cheerleader. She can barely gum mashed potatoes without passing out, what makes you think she can do a cartwheel? Even though she does look like she could do a cool little dance if she wanted to. Speaking of which:
I would imagine that dying of swine flu would have been a crueler fate because look, now she is being parodied on the internet and people are wondering if this is “karma” for when she made fun of the uncool kids in High School. I wish people that judge your entire life based on high school would get a disease worse than this. Something where they shit themselves a lot. Because then they’d get made fun of. That is true karma. And yes, that black reporter seemed like a smug jerkoff that likes white girls.
And lastly, I would argue that there is NOTHING amazing about this story. At all. It just seems like news media was just using her as something to scare people away from the flu shot. It’s sad. It’s sad that it happened to a fine piece of ass like that. If it happened to Clint Howard? Who cares. He probably walks around like that anyway. Or at least like Smiegel from Lord of the Rings.
Hurrr Hurrr I'm Clint Howard
But let’s be realistic. Cheerleaders are supposed to look like this:
And that broad does not look like this anymore. I think that Swine Flu is going to help our society in the long run, because since no one is working on my idea to re-animate Charles Darwin and give him a Gattling Gun so we need something to take out the assholes and retards of the universe to create a stronger race of humans. Kind of like a sidekick to colon cancer. We are the highest on the food chain, but what happens when the dinosaurs come back? Huh? Then what are you going to do, mister?
Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at HatedHero11@gmail.com and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. This time? It’s both. Now this may come as a shocker to you but I personally know Marni Phillips. I have known her ever since Steve was the Mets’ General Manager and they were always out and about on Long Island. While Steve and I became close, we went out to Crobar and to Scores but he also invited me to his house for the after parties and that’s where I met Marni. She was a sweetheart and we remained in touch after Steve left the Mets and went to ESPN. So to make a long story short, Marni is a reader of The Gally Blog and saw my Using Logic segment and sent me an email, this is what she said to me…
And that broad does not look like this anymore. I think that Swine Flu is going to help our society in the long run, because since no one is working on my idea to re-animate Charles Darwin and give him a Gattling Gun so we need something to take out the assholes and retards of the universe to create a stronger race of humans. Kind of like a sidekick to colon cancer. We are the highest on the food chain, but what happens when the dinosaurs come back? Huh? Then what are you going to do, mister?
