Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at  Logic@TheGallyBlog.com or @THElogic and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related but I do like to hear about enterTAINTment issues as well. Other times it can be sexy but it can never…NEVER be about suicide. You won’t like my answer. As always, I was emailed a fantastic story from a witty reader…

(e-mail in italics, Logic in bold and italics)

Dear Logic the Lonely, Lonely Idiotbrained Bigot,

Hello. I hope this finds you well. And by that, I mean I hope this finds you at the bottom of a well filled with snakes and mayonnaise. You disgust me. I heard your stand up comedy. You think that is funny? Celebrating anti-Semitic behavior? I can only pray to Moses that the next time a Muslim comes to New York City with a jihad in mind, they prepare better than a fist full of firecrackers, some fertilizer and propane tanks because I will direct that Muslim into your comedy show, sir. I promise you this.

Now, on to my email. I have a situation. I know this hateful, racist slut that pretends he is a professional blogger. He likes to make fun of sick and weak humans during the best times of their life because he is jealous that they had one happy moment in their life. One moment more than he would ever have. I was just curious as to what he would have to say about a cute kid pretending he is a super hero. Oh, and he has cancer. Maybe he will show a heart? Maybe he will transform into the jelly fish that he is every time he gets behind a mic or laptop computer?

Sincerely,
Harvey Horowitz

(Editor’s Note: Oof)

Dear Harvey,

I’m not sure if you know me. My name is Logic. You seem to have described AJ Dauelerio? Maybe you got the wrong email address? Ah. Whatever. I can help you out.

Look at me, you cross eyed little shit.

Alright look. I don’t want to be a dick as much as the next guy, but things need to get said. I don’t quite know what you’re asking me but I think I have advice for this kid. It’s time to stop being such a faggot and get out of the spandex. We get it. You have liver cancer. Whatever. That’s like the easiest cancer to get rid of. Hell, you could probably have Ernie Harwell’s liver, it’s probably still warm.

Honestly, I don’t even see what the big deal is. 13 years old? You never got to experience life yet. No one is taking anything special away from you. I mean, c’mon, you look like you would’ve wasted it throwing poke balls at your Pomeranian dog while only drinking Soy milk. Besides, nothing you can be going through can be worse than a ground and pound from a University of Virginia lacrosse player.

Lookit here, Electron Boy. That’s a goofy name. You know what electrons are? Negative. Yep. That’s straight science, homey. I’ll call you homey because you are black, see. You need to be positive. Plus, you need to be creative. That’s why you change your goofy ass name to Positron Man. See what I did there? Boys are weak. Men are strong. We have big dicks. A Big swinging dick mentality, is what you need. Plus, then you can keep all the goofy electricity stuff. Except, now you are charged positively with protons! HIV Positively Charged. Right? Wait. It was cancer. Okay, scratch that last part. No, you can keep the electric stuff. Whatever, gayboy.

As for the community who did this to the little dork, you should be ashamed of yourself. You know crushed kids get when they find out there is no Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Jesus? It’s fucking heartbreaking. How is this kid going to handle high school? He’s going to take out his little lightning rod and the starting linebacker on the football team is going to stick his nappy head in a toilet for Christ’s sake. Or he’s going to nickname his penis the lightning rod and ask girls if they want to see it and then BAM! C and D letters up the ass.

Alright. I guess that about answers your question. I’m sure I can Google Dauelerio’s email for you, it’s not hard? Anyway, I think the kid should get a new liver if the cancer hasn’t spread all over his body. Let him grow up to drink that thing to death via cirrhosis, the fun way, the Logic way!

Unfaithfully Yours,
Logic

Related posts:

1. Logic is interviewed on the NFL Season

Overall the performance was funny and offensive (the trait I value most in comedy.) You can tell he was a little nervous, but I don’t see you doing any better, jerk. The O’doul’s beer joke was hilarious and the crowd had a cool reaction to it. I don’t want to hear any knocks on Logic *refuses to use his real name* looking at his notes. Many comics do that when they are working out material. I heard it in an interview or documentary one time. The single biggest point of praise I can give Logic is the crowd reacted. They responded with gasps and laughs. There was a cackler in the crowd too. Hey, cackle much? I don’t really have a reason to lie because I don’t even know Logic in real life. I’m not even comfortable using his real name. My rating would be 7 out of 10 with upside potential. Let Logic hear from you in the comment section. You better kiss up now before he’s too cool for your crap.

Disclaimer: Logic did not pay me to write this.

No related posts.

Choose wisely.

Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at  Logic@TheGallyBlog.com or @THElogic and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy and you know I’m always down for a little Russian Chat Roulette.

(e-mail in italics, Logic in bold and italics)

Dear Created Witty Nickname for a Hateful Faggot,

Good morning, Logic. I hope this email finds you well. I hope that God was done tormenting you for the first 23 years of your life and finally decided that you and a bus should occupy the same exact position at the same exact time. I’ve never hated anyone on this entire planet as much as I do you. You have zero talent. All you do is just think of the most heinous thing you could possibly think off. You’re racist, sexist and the farthest thing from politically correct I can think of. At least Jim Jefferies makes things funny, I’m surprised he didn’t puke on you in your Twitter picture. Nothing would make me happier if you were castrated and crucified.

That being said, I was surprised when Punte from With Leather posted this link and you didn’t see it. All you do is read Deadspin and With Leather and post the one story where you can make a fart joke. I mean what more could a moron like you ask for? Retards playing basketball! Weeeeee!

I’m sorry I took so much of your time. I’m sure that it is happy hour at some bar that is 23 for guys, 18 for girls to party. And they don’t proof the 18 year olds. Hell, I bet you are even too cheap to roofie. You probably just club them like the caveman you are. They can’t say no, if you don’t ask. Scumbag.

Sincerely,
Get a Hobby

————————

Dear Dad Get a Hobby,

First off, I don’t appreciate you stealing threats from Tony Kornheiser! That is awful. Secondly, I heard when you were born, some one walked by your mom and said “Look at that cunt coming out of that cunt’s cunt!” (Much better to steal from Louis CK). Third, this is just sad. There is nothing worse than false hope and what you are doing is just spreading it to their family. By family, of course, I mean the Palins. I can’t believe she squeezed out enough retards to have a basketball scrimmage. How much drinking does she do during pregnancy? Who knows, they might not ALL be her kids. I thought I even saw Levi Johnston try to go for a lay up. For Christ’s sake. #13 looked exactly like chubby little Bristol.

Though, I don’t know if I really mind this. It’s not like they are forcing normal kids to go against these kids and high five their snot covered fingers. On the other hand, that could make it worse. The kids with mild talent think they are All-Stars. You see that kid who looked like Sloth from The Goonies little brother dribble through 5 bumbling idiots? Those lumbering, meaty breasted nothings didn’t even make an attempt for a steal! In a close game like that, I would like to see a hard foul. Something along the lines of a lobotomy. Maybe that would straighten those kids out. I mean he already had the worst hair cut I’ve seen since JFK, post-assassination and shaving is half the battle.

And what was with #8′s sweatband? Do they even have sweat glands? I thought they just pant like puppies? My God, how did they fill the stands? Did they pass out free blowjobs during halftime? That was more people than went to my high school team’s games. I would rather watch someone I love get raped by Patrick Ewing and the old Knicks than a bunch of mongoloids slobber all over some orange rubber.

My last question? Who cleans up the drool? Do they have a mop for that? That shit is tough to get out, you know, when my dog drools on the floor. Sometimes it’s not that bad. When your mom drools on my dick, I just wipe it on your sister’s teddy bear. Done deal.

Eat it,
Logic

No related posts.

If only I could photoshop...

Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at  HatedHero11@Gmail.com or @Hbomb47 and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. Whatever your little heart desires. I’m not picky, especially when I’m drunk. I’ve even fisted your sister. That’s right. Sister Fister, they call me.

(e-mail in italics, Logic in bold and italics)

Dear Sultan of Sass,

LOL! Did you like the nickname I gave you? It’s like what they do to Drew at Deadspin. Except you’re not that talented or fat. Supposedly. I still think you’re a photoshop wizard because you think like a fat hooker molester. That’s right. You molest hookers. Hookers won’t even consensually give you sex for money. So, Merlin, I thought this article would be right up your alley; especially because I am totally offended by it. I don’t think these “people” should be allowed in high school sports, let alone drink out of the same water bottles and wrestle on the same mats! I mean, you can catch ringworm from a mat, why couldn’t you catch gangrene or whatever it is that cut this thing’s limbs off? Wait a second, I just saw that picture. Does he have elbow hands? Or is that a midget? I can’t even tell. It just looks like he has that lazy look you see in hospitals in those “special” wards. They aren’t physically lazy. Their brains are just a tad lazy. They get that whole Eli Manning look going. Did he think he was going to be doing wrestling stuff like John Cena? Poor kid. From what I gather, he is just physically handicapped. Maybe he used to be a surfer? I don’t know, man. I’ve seen Shark Week.

Now, I know I’m supposed to come correct with a question, so here it is: “Who is more fucked up? The kid trying to infect everyone with his disease, the writer for comparing his retard walk to a “wild west sheriff’s saunter” or the coach for putting him against a normal? Thanks for all your time, Logic. You may now go back to convincing teens the bubbling in their drink is carbonation, not roofies.

Sincerely,
LobsterClaus

Dear LobsterClaus,

First of all, is that your name because of those “elbow hands”? If so, kudos. Secondly, I think you are a terrible person. Not for sending me the article but because you think”a normal” can “catch retard” from just anywhere. Help me! I can’t stop air quoting! But anyway, you only catch retard if you ingest someones spit. It’s like mono. So just don’t be kissin’ no retards, ya heard?

As for the high school wrestling phenom (read as: overachiever), his name is AJ Leitch. You’re obviously a Deadspin reader. This must be the offspring of Daulerio’s sperm mixed with Leitch’s sister. Or something. Not sure. I’m saying it’s that way because we all know Daulerio doesn’t have the strongest swimmers. Mostly from the coke. That’s okay though, I’m not here to judge. I’m here to make a ruling. I’m here to make society better. I’m here TO KEEP SPORTS NORMAL!

I think the two most fucked up people (out of the 3) are the writer and the coach. If you noticed, the writer used a quote like this from Alex Lodge (Leitch’s opponent) “I look up to him”. An obvious joke! The dude is like 3 feet tall. Unless his legs are normal height and then it would be really weird that he has those penguin arms. What’s the point of wrestling? Why not run track? Another great quote from this Mason Kelly character, “Leitch calls it his situation”. Ok, I get it. It’s a Jersey Shore reference, it’s nice and cute that he makes jokes of  having thrombocytopenia-absent radius but is that really something that makes it through to last cut? Kelly goes on to explain how Leitch first utilized his head on the floor with angling and “walking in a step ladder like way” to eventually stand and teach himself to walk. What does he say a few paragraphs later? He quotes Leitch saying “[being handicapped is] like being an inventor, you always need to use your head”. TASTELESS, I SAY! TASTELESS!

Secondly, it the coach. He’s gaining an unfair advantage. This kid loses A LOT of weight by not having normal limbs. So he wrestles at 103 lbs and those kids aren’t strong! Shit, women that weigh 104 lbs are sexy but they can’t pin me, unless I let them. RAWR! So this coach has one guarantee, that this kid won’t get pinned and as a team, doesn’t go down by more points (5 for a pin, I think). I’d RATHER have this kid than a real shitty, weak kid at 103 lbs who gets pinned and loses 5 points every match. Plus, his record is 1-21 so that 1 time you were expecting a loss, you got a win!

I did read something else disturbing during the article. It said that Leitch picked up his first (only) win against a woman. So now he hits women?!? What kind of monster is this kid?! He thinks it’s amazing. It just makes me wonder what kind of drugs the parents are on (going back to Daulerio) that they let this kid grow up to be physically handicapped and think its okay to hit women in the face.

And then, at the end of the article, the author tells you that Leitch bumped up to 112 lbs and LOST! To a man. So, he’s no Anderson Silva, he can’t switch weight classes. I wouldn’t go putting this kid in the wrestling Hall of Fame next to Stu Hart, just yet.

So that’s your answer on that. I’m going to take this a bit further and say this, TRACK IS NOT A SPORT. First of all, it’s an object. It’s something you run on. So can we change the name to the “Running Team” or the “Running Meet”? Secondly, can we just quit the track shit all together? Seriously. I (love to remind you that I) played college lacrosse. When I got in trouble for: alcohol, drug testing, not going to class, confrontations with teachers, breaking and entering, fighting or alcohol, I would have to run. That’s the point of track, that is all you do. How stupid is that? What do you do when you get in trouble during track? Play flag football? It’s backwards, that’s what it is.

Well, LobsterClaus, I hope I answered your question. I think all in all the writer should take the most responsibility for being shitty because he celebrated this mediocre girl hitter and tried to jazz it up with Jersey Shore references and height jokes. I think. I don’t know. I blacked out.

Unfaithfully Yours,
Logic.

Related posts:

1. Use Logic
2. Using Logic III
3. Using Logic: Midget Jackie Robinson Edition

Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at HatedHero11@gmail.com or @Hbomb47 and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. Whatever your little heart desires. I’m not picky. I’ve fucked a fat ginger before. I swear. Actually it was on the beach and I gave her the Screamin’ Seagull. No lies.

Now, let me get into the email I received (letter in italics, Logic in bold)

Dear Logic,

First of all, I’d like to thank you for pointing out the fact that Chris Henry was arrested 5 times in 28 months (for Assault, Serving Alcohol to Minors, Marijuana Possesion and Drunk Driving) and if he was in jail…where he should be… he wouldn’t have died from a Domestic Disturbance. He was an obvious felon that was getting special treatment because of his talent. He got national recognition because Ochocinco is a drama queen and because Henry himself, is an athlete. I’ve had many people die in my life. Some through murder. None of them got this kind of response and prayer from millions of people while my friends and family have been good Christians.

Moving on to the issue at hand. Midgets freak me out. I don’t know what to call those people. Half-Pints? Small-Fry? Even the slurs they have are stupid. I’d just like to call them “Chodes” if you don’t mind. So this Chode is trying to play hockey. Here is the link. This is kind of a non-issue right now because he is only 10 years old. He is just slightly smaller than every other 10 year old. Which is why I am writing now. In 8 years, this kid thinks he is going to break the height barrier in hockey. He doesn’t understand that they don’t let midgets in for a reason…they are creepy. Many of them smell weird. I think it’s because they have a low center of gravity and get farted on a lot. I didn’t draft Maurice Jones Drew in fantasy football because of this reason. I once sprinted away from Vern Troyer at an Applebees. Is it me, or do midgets just look like they are going to jump on your back and bite your neck? Like a killer back-pack of some sort.

Anywho, I was really hoping that you can weigh in on this topic because the world NEEDS to know what to do. Lead us, Logic. I know you already took a stance on the Mentally Handicapped and the Physically Challenged in Golf…but what about Hockey!? Well, as I said he is only 10 so give me a reply whenever you get a chance. As Monday Morning Punter always says “children are our future, unless we stop them”! Thanks a lot, Logic.

Love,
A Teeny Tiny Bit Nervous

*end scene*

This was a tough e-mail to chew on, so I walked in a mile in everyone’s shoes. And boy do my feet hurt. Some of those shoes were tiny. (See what I did there?)

Dear ATTBN,

Hoo boy. I don’t know how to even respond to that one! I’m not a big hockey fan, but I would assume that having some half-human, half-Lord of the Rings character, skating around the ice, getting a puck shot at it by the Normals wouldn’t do the lil fella any good. I could just imagine Eric Lindros hip-checking this “Chode” and giving it a concussion from the Lindros-bone-to-Midget-skull connection that would take place. Then bouncing his oversized head right off the ice like bowling ball that was inconveniently thrown down the lane instead of rolled.

This really puts me in an awkward situation. This isn’t like watching some retard trying to gum his way through a cantaloupe. This is a fucking midget. Midgets are always funny. I can see why you are creeped out by them. I, however, am not. I’ve actually thrown a midget in a Velcro suit onto a wall of “the sticky side” of the Velcro. That might be the only sport midgets are good at, being the object used in “Midget Tossing”. I finished in 3rd place that night!

On the other hand, this will totally turn the sport into a sideshow. What’s next? Bearded ladies? Lizard men? Black guys? No. No. No. That’s all wrong. This is hockey. This isn’t bobsledding, where a comical Jamaican team can come in rattle the foundation of the sport.

Best. Movie. Ever.

Hockey hasn’t had any changes in it, since like, the Cold War. Miracle was it? I don’t know. Hey, does Eric Lindros still play? Whatever. My final answer is: I don’t like oddities in sports. It’s that simple. People that are 2 and 1/2 feet tall should be behind velvet blue ropes and you need tickets to see them. They shouldn’t put on tiny little ice skates and try to stop pucks with their bodies. Even though that could be adorable. Ah! God damn you, Midgets! I’m very conflicted, but Midgets cannot play hockey. They can, however, join the circus. There. It’s final. And no, this is a killer backpack.

Unfaithfully Yours,
Logic.

Related posts:

1. Logic is interviewed on the NFL Season
2. Using Logic 5.0
3. Using Logic: People Just Aren’t Getting It.

So go to FormSpring and ask me anything you want. It can be about life, love and laughing because that’s what every girl has in their profile picture. Or it can be about mouth-breathing, Bazooka chewing, acne-riddled douche bags at Best Buy that sell me my iPhone (did I mention to anyone that I got an iPhone?) and make me want to punch them in their giant zit that sits on their shoulders head. It can even be about how you think OJ didn’t do it. Whatever man, we’ll cover all sorts of topics. I was a history major. So now that I stopped being a caveman and got a data phone, you can have Logical access anytime you want! Oh, and when I was a caveman, I didn’t hate Geico but I did listen to The Sounds a lot.

No related posts.

Can we all agree that “Under Construction” is the best album ever?

This story would have surfaced much quicker, but the tabloids seem to have been wasting their time on all the other victims of the Tiger Attacks. People fail to realize that I am from Long Island, New York. If you don’t know the golf significance of that, here you go (exact distance from my favorite bar to Bethpage Black). I just want you to know, that I went to the US Open in 2009, but that is almost irrelevant. It was the after party that got hectic. Where I was raped by Tiger Woods…

…and The Gally Blog has paid me to release my story. I have been given a Berstreet hair-doll, the second half of Gimp’s Valtrex and $2.12 from Gally. I think I got a better deal than the chick from Tool Academy. She had to date that guy from the show. Yuck.

Alright. So this is very hard for me to type. Awhile ago, I reached local celebrity status when I did a cover for a fitness magazine.

Turns out, athletes read that magazine. I was at a local Bethpage club and it got a little intense. Derek Jeter was there doing a promotion for the local sports radio station, WFAN and all the best golfers in the world were there. It was a costume party, so you knew things would get out of hand.  This is where I was first approached…by him. Tiger recognized me from the cover of my magazine. He bought me a shot of Goldschlager and said something about it being the same shot Tommy Lee bought Pamela Anderson when they first met. I took the shot, and blushed. And I don’t normally converse with half-breeds (you don’t know where their allegiance lies).

Then a crowd of girls, and myself, was invited to the VIP only section of this high end club. It had fancy blue ropes and everything! Then, a random guy that no one really knew but went by the name of “Sway” broke out some Ambien and all the cool kids were sniffing it, so I said why not? After a bunch of rails, I took my Captain Morgan and Ginger Ale and sat down for a bit to relax. I noticed Derek Jeter saying goodbye to Tiger and this was getting “too out of hand” for him. Mark Gastineau was tripping on Peyote and thought these two girls kissing were lizards that were eating each other. We all laughed. The next thing I know, I was standing up and I got punched in the face as hard as I’ve ever been punched before….

I wake up in a dark SUV with comfortable seat warmers. I was okay. Not even a concussion or a bruise. Maybe I just passed out from the Ambien. I don’t know. I see I’m in the car with a lot of people but it was dark. I didn’t see who it was until once I got in the living room of this mansion, I was tripped and stripped down naked. It didn’t take long because I was dressed like a hussy for the costume party. I probably deserved this rape.

I was Daisy Duke.

Looking up in my daze, I see a light-skinned, yet dark man pull down his pants. The first thing I notice? He was dressed as a stupid ironic Tiger. Second thing I notice? Missy Elliot putting a gun to my throat (play the above song, now). The third? This half-bred man had a Mandarin character tattooed on his pubic region. My Mandarin is a little rusty, but I think it read “Crush Pussy”. Then I heard this man mutter, “Sorry. I don’t use roofies. Right hooks are much cheaper.” And that’s when the Missy Elliot backwards talk from “Work it” really freaked me out, because I could have sworn I just lost my asshole virginity. I looked around the room. I see Pete Wentz huddled in the corner crying…was he next? One could only hope. Jeremy Piven is sitting there grinning like an idiot. I think he just liked to watch. Then I noticed; “What the fuck? No reach around?”

So after I was passed around this party of Missy Elliot, Tiger Woods and Steve Phillips (whose house I assumed we were at…beautiful grout job on the tile); the Nike condoms were piling up throughout the room. That’s when Lindsay Lohan started shooting them like whiskey shots saying, “My father told me to never waste a drop. It gives you a better singing voice.”

The rest was kind of black. My head was slammed against Phillips’ cool marble floor a bunch of times, and I hope it was a strap on that Missy Elliot was using. I heard the brain tries to block out traumatizing situations, like the girl who had her face eaten by a monkey. I don’t know. It was hazy, but it went on for hours. He worked me. I was ashamed from it all. I spent my next night in front a mirror putting on lipstick, telling myself, “You’re dirty girl. You don’t deserve to go to prom!” while in my sister’s prom dress. Then it was just hours on hours of a cold shower to wash the filth off of me.

So I don’t know what the count is up to. It was 9 when I left home for work and now even a homeless man is saying he slept with Tiger, too. I hope I was at least before him, or I may need to get check for VD. The saddest part about this all? I had to leave HIM a voicemail! His response? “Stop calling me. I don’t remember that.” But then he’d wink at me in passing and put 1 finger over his mouth to signal, “Hush, sweet prince”. Welp, That’s my story. My only regret? It wasn’t Brady Quinn. RAWR! I guess it was all my fault for being such an irresistible slut, huh?

This is the life of Logic…You thought you knew…But you have no idea…

Related posts:

1. Using Logic 4: A New Hope

As you know, I’ve been on a hiatus until I took the LSAT. I used this as a studying technique because I have no self-control and usually when on my computer, I’m drinking something I shouldn’t. A lot has happened in the sporting world during my break from blogging. For instance, a particular golfer got caught using all of my moves (ex: ambien sex, the line ” I will work you”). Not cool, Tiger. I almost had my sister say she slept with Tiger Woods because at this point, he doesn’t even know who he’s paying off. Plus, if he was chillen with Jeter….he probably de-pants’d thousands of women. Anywho, there also has been much more news. More relevant to Logic as well. So in order to address all of these headlines equally and offer my solutions, I decided it would be fitting to get into the Christmas Spirit by offering my List (sorry Jewish Readers).

I got this idea when I googled “Retards in Sports” for a Using Logic segment (that I love oh so much) and all that would come up is Grady Sizemore fucking a coffee cup and Hines Ward take out menus. I decided that, hell it IS December. Maybe the other guys around here will grab a hot chocolate and vodka and think about what they would like from ole Kris Kringle.

Dear Santa,

I don’t think I’ve been a good person. I never have. You know this. This hasn’t stopped you from giving me what I want. It actually appeases me. We’ll consider you Winston Churchill and I’m someone that I don’t like comparing myself to. I also decided that it would be horribly anti-Semitic to talk about Hitler in a Christmas List article, so Santa, you must understand that I’m not going to compare myself to him.

I think that you are going to be very busy this year, as always. So my list will easy. If you need help, Jesus says he loves me so I’m sure he’ll help out in all ways possible. Now this list isn’t going to be the same as last years. I no longer want diplomatic immunity and the batmobile-motorcycle thing from Dark Knight. No, this year is going to affect many more people:

1. Nikki Hunter from the LFL. No, I don’t want her in my windowless van. I just think it would be cool to interview a LFL player. I don’t understand how she has ignored my charm? Her Response was priceless.
2. To become the NY Giants general manager. I need to restructure this team. First, I need to eat Eli’s contract. No, not that “eat” like “lose out on an investment” eat. I mean just ingest it. That would mean we wouldn’t have to pay him, right? Then, when someone will take his contract, we trade him for a top tier running back and a 2nd tier linebacker that can bring that “hard nosed, smash mouth” type of football back to the Giants that they are desperately trying to go back to. We don’t need this drooling ogre for a quarterback and that fat pussy that doesn’t hit holes. Not to mention the back up running back, the felon who shatters into dust or fumbles every time he is hit. Then the next order of business, hire Charlie Weis as Offensive Coordinator and draft Jimmy Clausen. Then we fire that retarded defensive coordinator that ruined my defense. All he had to do was run Spagnuolo’s plan but noooo. He had to come in here like George W. Bush and run the country into the asphalt. Clinton left this place in perfect shape, what the F did you do, window-licker?
3. For Craig Carton to call me at least once a day and say “Alright” in that wacky voice he has.
4. To become the Notre Dame Athletic Director. I know this is a lot on my plate. Blogger. Pretend Comedian. Giants’ GM and now ND’s AD. I can handle it. For starters, we kick Jimmy Clausen out of school. Mostly for being a douche. He probably won’t come back but we need to cut ties from all douchery. 2nd order of business? Hire Jim Harbaugh. Fuck Brian Kelly. Who cares if he won with Cincinnati? This is Notre Dame and he kind of seems like an asshole. Jim Harbaugh, on the other hand, has beaten USC and really…that’s all I care about from the Irish next year.
5. Hofstra’s Football program to return. I know they were losing $4 million a year through this program but after 69 years wouldn’t you think a team named “The Pride” would hang around just a bit longer to see if it could right the ship? They just had a very prolific WR come from there which garnished some attention to the school. Plus, wasn’t their a little debate at that school? I think the new president or AD or whomever canceled that program should be ashamed of themselves. My message to you, good sirs? YOU MADE WAYNE CHREBET CRY!
6. Everyone that I met at the LSAT on 12/5/09 at Hofstra University, to die in a car fire together. Santa, let me set up the scene: We are about to take a test that is going to shape our next 4-5 years and possibly make us $2-3 million in our lifetime and this kid in front of me won’t stop farting. Not to mention the fratboy douchebag behind me trying to spit game to this girl in a leopard print vest. How these two idiots both went to Michigan University and met up in line to sign in for the LSAT is beyond me. I must applaud his undying persistency after he realized she was 2 years older and doesn’t date younger guys. Especially after she said she hates frat guys and especially after she said she had a boyfriend. It must have taken a lot of restraint to not jump her frumpy bones but this kid in his white jeans and brown leather jacket with a scarf managed to say a line like “Yeah. It’s not cool to see people you haven’t seen in a while but you kind of know at things like this. It’s annoying. That’s why I grew facial hair. To be anonymous”. No, you grew it because of the sweet irony that is your life and everything you say. Then there was also the sign in the bathroom that said “Blowjobs. 2nd Floor Monroe. Between 11-2″ so if you go to Hofstra and like blowjobs from dudes, go to the Monroe Hall. I’m sure there won’t be a gloryhole. That’s too much effort for a college kid. Even though, apparently, Hofstra wouldn’t have the money to fix it. Well all these distractions (including the hot girl who was dressed in sweatpants which bothered me to no end) decided to fuse together and form the Voltron of distractions on possibly the biggest day of my life. I think the Law School Admissions Council should create a sort of “Look Policy” similar to that of a casting director for a porn movie. Lawyers should only get to be ridiculously good looking. Like myself. Santa, I guess what I’m trying to say is, kick all the ugly people out of the law field to free up opportunities for me because let’s face it, ugly people aren’t really people anyway. They’re like female Asians in Asia.
7. A Tila Tequila v. Rihanna MMA match at Madison Square Garden. I know you’d first have to get MMA to be legal in NYS, but think about the luster returning to the Garden because even you know, Santa, that the Knicks aren’t getting LeBron and not going to do shit with all the cash they freed up. So give me this. Rihanna had a lot to say about that Vietnamese Spy who can’t do a sexy dance without falling on her face like a baby giraffe pushed onto an ice lake (thanks wwtdd for the greatest analogy ever).  Then Tila Tequila (who is so witty) created a nickname for her, “Riherpes”. How clever? So let’s let them fight. We all know Rihanna has a tougher chin than Tom Brady, and with that 5-head she is rocking, I wouldn’t bet against her. Tila just pretends she has an army. Like a sociopath.
8. Something for me to Logicisize and lastly,
9. A flame thrower.

Ok Santa. That’s all I want for Christmas. Remember, if you give me what I want…the situation goes away quietly and I’ll return Mrs. Clause to an undisclosed location as long as there are no cops and the money isn’t rigged with ink and explosives.Thanks again, Santa.

Unfaitfully Yours,

Logic

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Dear Logic (or should I say “Greenman” LOLz!),

Hello and thank you for fielding my letter. This is very important. I’m sorry to interrupt your hectic sports month with the Yankees being in the World Series and all…I think it’s very cool that you take the time out to answer all your fan mail from us Logicians!

Now, to get to my question. I’ve noticed that there is this big “pandemic” lately, something called “swine flu”? I guess. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not a sinner and I wouldn’t get sick like that because God loves me. I don’t know what type of evil these people have in their bodies but it is obviously very strong if something minuscule like “the flu” will kill them! Am I right? I know what you’re thinking, Logic (Ed. Note: Trust me. You have no idea). I’m not a bad person. You, your the bad person. I just need help on this issue because seeing it (and laughing) makes me think that I’m being a bad person. Anyway, here’s the video:

Now Logic, I have a few questions:

1. Is it bad to say that I would still have sex with her?
2. Is she still a good cheerleader?
3. Is it worth it just to die with the flu?
4. That black reporter seemed smug. Well, I guess that’s not a question.
5. What’s amazing about this? Does she recover? They just show her struggle.

Logic, I have many more. But I understand that your time is money and the Yankees got Sabathia on the bump. So, please get back to me whenever you get a chance.

Sincerely,
CheerFever

Dear CheerFever,

First off, that is a truly despicable pen-name for this situation. I commend you.

/swigs whiskey

I’m in no mood for any of this garbage. I’ve been having a bad few weeks because despite the Yankees in the World Series, I truly only care about Football and Notre Dame has no shot at a big bowl game. As well as the Giants losing 3 weeks in a row. I also have some personal issues that I won’t bore you with. (crowd cheers) Oh, real mature. You guys are about as cool as a bag of dicks.

Now, to get to your letter…I don’t think it is mean of you to say that you would still sex her down (Ed. Note: syndrome that is! Wakka Wakka Wakka!). I’m sure she would actually appreciate the compliment. You know her husband hasn’t given her any since she turned into a mongoloid. That guy is probably thinking about the raw deal he got. “Wow, I can’t believe I married such a hot woman who aspires to be a professional football cheerleader! What a lucky guy I am” is what I imagine he said on his wedding day. And then he cheated on her once and POW! Now he has medical bills and drooling to deal with. As for your second question, I would think that she is a bad cheerleader. She can barely gum mashed potatoes without passing out, what makes you think she can do a cartwheel? Even though she does look like she could do a cool little dance if she wanted to. Speaking of which:

I would imagine that dying of swine flu would have been a crueler fate because look, now she is being parodied on the internet and people are wondering if this is “karma” for when she made fun of the uncool kids in High School. I wish people that judge your entire life based on high school would get a disease worse than this. Something where they shit themselves a lot. Because then they’d get made fun of. That is true karma. And yes, that black reporter seemed like a smug jerkoff that likes white girls.

And lastly, I would argue that there is NOTHING amazing about this story. At all. It just seems like news media was just using her as something to scare people away from the flu shot. It’s sad. It’s sad that it happened to a fine piece of ass like that. If it happened to Clint Howard? Who cares. He probably walks around like that anyway. Or at least like Smiegel from Lord of the Rings.

Hurrr Hurrr I'm Clint Howard

But let’s be realistic. Cheerleaders are supposed to look like this:

And that broad does not look like this anymore. I think that Swine Flu is going to help our society in the long run, because since no one is working on my idea to re-animate Charles Darwin and give him a Gattling Gun so we need something to take out the assholes and retards of the universe to create a stronger race of humans. Kind of like a sidekick to colon cancer. We are the highest on the food chain, but what happens when the dinosaurs come back? Huh? Then what are you going to do, mister?

Unfaithfully Yours,

Logic.

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Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at HatedHero11@gmail.com and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. This time? It’s both. Now this may come as a shocker to you but I personally know Marni Phillips. I have known her ever since Steve was the Mets’ General Manager and they were always out and about on Long Island. While Steve and I became close, we went out to Crobar and to Scores but he also invited me to his house for the after parties and that’s where I met Marni. She was a sweetheart and we remained in touch after Steve left the Mets and went to ESPN. So to make a long story short, Marni is a reader of The Gally Blog and saw my Using Logic segment and sent me an email, this is what she said to me…

He Really Cheated on This Cougar...

Dear Logic,

Long time no speak! I’m sure you have heard what Steve did to me…Again! What a dick, right? I miss you. How have you been? I hear you’re a big blogger now? Well, to be honest… I’m a big fan and to be completely and totally honest, this e-mail is in regards to the Using Logic segment you do. I wanted to know if I could send me rebuttal to Brooke in a public forum and embarrass her like she embarrassed me. I’ll send it to you and you can post it if you want… Dinner and drinks soon!

XoXo,
Marni-bear
p.s. Remember when you used to call me that?!? :)

p.p.s. Sorry about the cheap shots at you but I HAVE read your writing… LOL!

Isn’t she a sweetheart? I haven’t seen her in a while and I think I owe it to her to say what she wants to say publicly and exclusively for The Gally Blog. I don’t mean to brag, but I do have that kind of pull around here. Here is the letter she wanted Brooke Hundley (Pictures of Her Here) to see:

Dear Whorebag,

Hi Brooke. I knew you worked with Steve. I know everything he does. Buster Olney has been spying on Steve for years. I asked him because he’s just a little guy that can crawl into spaces where Steve can’t see over his tremendous ego. I think it is quite cute that you think you are something to Steve when you were just another hole. Oh I didn’t realize that Steve would lie about having a vasectomy? Are you like 24 months pregnant??

Did you just take potshots at my marriage and the way I raised my kids? I would hope not because you look like you have a weak dumpy jaw and I learned how to punch from this blogger called Logic and he’s had to fight people his WHOLE life, mostly due to his alcoholism and big mouth. But I digress, I do agree that Steve likes being with you more. That reason? Blowjobs. His grundle smells like a dumpster.

I’m glad that you didn’t want to hurt me. You didn’t, so don’t worry. I’m glad you were raised Catholic. It is comforting to know that you will burn in Hell forever with Hitler, Pol Pot and the Jews that killed Jesus. I also think it is cute that you think you were sneaking and hiding from me. You couldn’t sneak if you were invisible. You’re the fattest, dumpiest thing I have seen since Eminem was addicted to burritos. You are more bloated than the hooker Ted Kennedy let drown in that Bay.

Lastly, I’m sorry I won’t be calling you but I did turn your number over to ever chubby chaser/black guy I know. I also added it to truck stop bathroom walls across the tri-state area. I also won’t be meeting up with you because I think I would puke. You look like you have “bacne” and you make me sick.

So I guess to sum up my response to your letter is “Shut up and die, you slam-hog whore. I’ve been fucking Logic behind Steve’s back since 2004 and Logic is hung like a Pringles can. Steve probably also has 1,000′s of STDs because Logic does and Logic can’t afford condoms so I let him eff me without them. SoOo I’d see someone if I was you. Not a doctor. I suggest a priest…”

With Love,
Marni

Well… I guess I can’t add anything to that. It was perfect. Except that I’m hung more like a tuna can. I won’t hit the G-spot, but I will fuck your walls up.

(via New York Post article in front of me.)

Update: Now With More Pictures!

Brooke Hundley is Now Employed as a Basset Hound.

What a Downgrade, Steven.

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