Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Monday August 29th 2011

Last Call: The Cold As Balls Edition

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Last Call isn’t just a place with the best links the Internet has to offer, sexy people and good music. No, it’s also a place to gather with like minded people and bitch about your day, rant about your favorite sports team or tell dirty jokes in the comment section. If you’re new here, welcome and stay away from the ficus. If you’ve been here before, you know the drill.

Musical Interlude:

Linkage:

Mashable: Why Social Media is bringing back the values of our Grandparents.
Joe Posnanski: The Pro Bowl gets a bad rap a lot of the time. Joe talks about how he concurs that it doesn’t matter, but that he’ll watch it anyways.
Wil Wheaton: Wil talks about why librarians are awesome, and why we should save libraries.
Edmonton Journal: Apparently social networking leads to couples having sex sooner.
27bslash6: David receives terrible, terrible customer service and responds hilariously.
Read Write Web: A graphical description of the Twitterverse.
Phys Org: Research shows that there’s a biochemical reaction between music and emotion.
Baltimore Sun: David Simon, the brilliance behind The Wire and others, responds to criticism from a top cop.
Real Food For Life: Men married to smarter women live longer.
Marc And Angel: 10 simple truths smart people forget. I’m assuming you assholes that read here are smart..
Playboy: It’s almost at the point where you can no longer vote for the lovely(and sweet) Shera Bechard(featured below) to be Playmate of The Year. You know, if you’re into attractive naked women or what have you.

White Chocolate Cheesecake with Cherry Gastrique: (more…)

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Australian Open Mens Final Live-Blog

The live blog will commence 30 minutes before the final starts, so show up here at 3AM EST when you get home from the bar for drunken, rambling tennis analysis. Then crack open a beer and enjoy the jokes

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Australian Open Men’s Championship Preview

Back when I wrote my Aussie Open preview, I had Federer over Djokovic in the final (before I knew what the bracket was. Obviously that was an impossibility). One of those men has made it, but Andy Murray joins Djokovic in his second Aussie Open final in a row.

Djokovic has had the more impressive run through the tournament. He ran through Tomas Berdych, who had dominated, in straight sets. Then he ran through Roger Federer in straight sets. He has an Australian Open title in 2008, and it’s clear that this has always been his favorite grand slam event. He is serving well, returning well, moving well, and his backhand is as good as I have ever seen it. He looks ready to move Federer out of the top two in the world.

But to make this preview all about the Djoker would overlook Andy Murray, who is playing like a champion in his own right. Even though he is the 5th seed in this tournament, I have been saying for over a year now that he is the 3rd best player in the world. And it might be true, it’s just that he still might not be as good as Djokovic right now. Still, it’s tough to judge how well Murray has played so far, given that he avoided having to play both Soderling and Nadal. Instead, he dispatched the young Ukrankain Alexandr Dolgopolov in the quarters and David Ferrer in the semis. But before anyone discounts the Ferrer win, Ferrer is maybe the best defensive player on tour right now, and while Murray usually stuck with his own defensive style, his offense, when he unleashed it, was too much for the Spaniard. I think that Djokovic will have trouble dealing with it as well.

And as good as Berdych and Federer are, neither is the type of counterpuncher that Murray is. Djokovic loves Australia, but Murray has said that this slam has his favorite surface as well. I think it will be a tough final, but in the end I see Andy Murray becoming the first British man to win a grand slam since Fred Perry way back in 1936.

For those of you up late tonight, we will be live-blogging the Mens final. We do hope you stop by. P.S. The final starts at 3:30AM EST tonight.

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Hasselbeck v. Cromartie… WHO YA GOT?!?!

There was a twitter battle today, it consisted of two grown ass men who happen to be millionaires playing a child’s game. The real story begins when Antonio Cromartie speaks out against the CBA negotiations calling both sides “assholes.”

Actually, you can probably date it all the way back to when Cromartie’s father lied and said he had a condom on when in actuality he just opened an alka-seltzer packet. Then that created the mess that began Cromartie’s life. He eventually joined the carnival that is the New York Jets. That’s where he earned his KissingSuzyKolber nickname “Dalmations” from the fake Rex Ryan because he’s had 101 kids or as I like to call them “fuck trophies.”

Head back to the present day situation and Cromartie just made headlines for the whole “everyone is an asshole” routine he pulled. I guess, he didn’t realize he wasn’t in the Jets locker room, where I assume anything goes. Anyway, that is where Seattle Seahawks’ second string starting quarterback Matt Hasselbeck caught wind of his comments and took to twitter. He said something along the lines of “I don’t think Cromartie even knows what CBA stands for” (I’m not linking anyone credit for this story, so eat a fat dick). The comment from Hasselbeck was deleted promptly, however it wasn’t done quick enough because Cromartie responded with:

hey Matt if u have something to then say it be a man about it. Don’t erase it. I will smash ur face in.

DING DING DING! Yes. It’s on now. Cromartie was like: “I see your bet and I raise you. ALL IN.” But leave it to the white man to pussy out. Hasselbeck came back with:

Sorry for the joke man. No hard feelings. DB’s & QB’s have a hard time getting along I guess sometimes. lol

Yeah, delaying the inevitable…are we Matt? Yeah there’s going to be a fight. The money grubbing PR whores for the NFL are already seeing how they can schedule the Jets v. Seahawks Monday Night Football for the first week of the season while keeping this drama hot.

Now you may want to know…”Logic, what do you offer in all of this?”

And I’ll tell you…fighter profiles. I’m going to draft up their fighter profiles after the jump so we can decide who is the better fighter on paper.

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Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide- The Championship Round Is Tight Like a Sex Euphemism

This is your weekly NFL betting guide written by the rubiest rube of all rubes, Nonpopulist. I have been making my own NFL lines since 2005, and while I am no expert I would rate myself as an above average prognosticator/ handicapper. The Rubetastic post will be a mixture of picking against Vegas lines, insight into why I think a line was set a certain way, what my own lines are and how I came to those lines, overall NFL betting trends I notice, apologies about being completely wrong the prior week, and a disclaimer that the post is all for fun and you assume all risk when betting on the advice of some jackhole on the internet.

Last week was a pleasantly surprising rebound for my prognosticating skills. I went 3-1 in picking the Divisional round playoff games. I’m still undefeated in picking my nose. Sadly my record for the playoffs is only 3-5. That’s right, I picked all four games wrong the wildcard round of the playoffs. Let’s look back at last week since I did so well then.

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh -3: RIGHT. I had a feeling Pittsburgh would just be too strong for Baltimore. I thought Flacco would struggle a bit more at quarterback than he did, though. I liked PIT having homefield advantage in this game as well. I love Big Ben’s sexy new nose too.

Green Bay +2.5 @ Atlanta: RIGHT. Green Bay’s defense was playing too well for Atlanta to be favored in this game. I had a strong feeling that Atlanta was not ready to take it to the next level although I think the Falcons will be strong in the playoffs for the next few years.

Seattle +10 @ Chicago: WRONG. This is the only game I picked wrong. I knew Chicago would win the game, but I did not know they would dominate like they did. I thought Seattle would ride a little bit of momentum and Jay Cutler would be good for pick-6 or two. Cutler surprisingly made very few mistakes.

New York Jets +9 @ New England: RIGHT. I knew this spread was way too big for division rivals who had split wins during the regular season.
On to the AFC and NFC Championship games, but first a cheerleader.

I expect another weekend of good games this weekend. Besides that no one is truly sure of what’s going to happen. I’ve heard some matchup talk around the AFC Championship game saying things aren’t looking favorable for the Jets. I can see that at first glance, but this week is going to take more balls than brains to bet.

Green Bay -3.5 @ Chicago: Chicago would have a more stated advantage having the game on their home field if the team they were playing didn’t play their games at a place called “The Frozen Tundra.” Rodgers and the Packers’ defense are both playing too well to lose this game. Cutler will throw at least two interceptions this game. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Packers win by a touchdown or ten points. The Bears will be able to stop either the running game or the passing game but certainly no both.

New York Jets +3.5 @ Pittsburgh Steelers: I’m going to admit this pick is 75% hunch so bet accordingly. I think this game will be close and that’s why I pick the Jets in this line. Pittsburgh is certainly likely to win the game, but I would not be surprised one bit if the Steelers only win by a field goal. Mark Sanchez is going to put the Jets at a disadvantage, but they can play well even if he just has an average game. Take the Jets and the points. The Jets defense is the x-factor in this game.

Sexy Disclaimer: This post is intended for entertainment purposes only. You assume all of your own risk when placing a bet either legal or illegal. Neither The Gally Blog nor the author assume any risk for any bets placed on advice or content contained in this post or on this blog.

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Video of Erin Andrews’ Reebok Zigtech Photo Shoot- People Still Care About Her, Right?

Wait, the contract didn’t say anything about a muddy gangbang.

Erin Andrews is going to be a spokesperson for Reebok Zigtech just like Chad OchoCinco and Peyton Manning. Good for her. Remember when she was the “it” girl online? I seem to recall the nickname Erin “Pageviews.” I guess we all got tired of her after the peeping Tom video. As a collective blog culture we said, “Well, that orgasm was fun.” Then after the monstrous sexing we gave her in our minds we slipped out the door once she had fallen asleep. Maybe some people felt bad for objectifying her after someone actually acted on their lust for Andrews, but those are the kind of people who aren’t elbow-deep in the kind of pussy I am. Your mom’s vagina has really gaped over the years. Here’s the video that may stir your Erin Andrews boner just one last time. Wait, am I the only one who finds girls’ workout clothes extremely arousing? I hope not.

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In Honor of Parks and Recreation’s Return Tonight

I know this isn’t new, but it’s about the most ridiculously addictive thing ever.

Good luck unsticking that from your head. Sorry.

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Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide- Divisional Round Playoff Picks Guaranteed to Lose

This is your weekly NFL betting guide written by the rubiest rube of all rubes, Nonpopulist. I have been making my own NFL lines since 2005, and while I am no expert I would rate myself as an above average prognosticator/ handicapper. The Rubetastic post will be a mixture of picking against Vegas lines, insight into why I think a line was set a certain way, what my own lines are and how I came to those lines, overall NFL betting trends I notice, apologies about being completely wrong the prior week, and a disclaimer that the post is all for fun and you assume all risk when betting on the advice of some jackhole on the internet.

Let’s see, last week I achieved the impossible, the seemingly impossible, as it were. I stank fingered a nun. I know, right? *Bro fives* I also picked each NFL game from Wildcard weekend wrong against the spread. I was on the wrong side of the bet each time. This should be the point at which you click away from this page or leave a comment calling me stupid. Let’s review my picks from last week that put me at a disappointing 0-4 for the postseason.

New Orleans  -10.5 @ Seattle: WRONG. No one saw Seattle winning this game. I should have gone with my instinct that the spread was too big.

New York Jets @ Indianapolis -2.5: WRONG. Peyton crapped the bed in the playoffs again. I should have seen that coming.

Baltimore @ Kansas City +3: WRONG. My vision in which I saw Jamaal Charles running for a long touchdown and Kansas City upsetting Baltimore was partly correct but was obviously a product of Satan. I’ll get you for this, Satan.

Green Bay @ Philadelphia -2.5: WRONG. Mike Vick, you were supposed to be a Cinderella. You let me down.

Let’s move on to next week.

I shouldn’t have any confidence in my picks this week, but I do. I’m such an idiot. If you agree with any of these picks make sure you change your mind.

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh -3: This game is a toss up. I give Pittsburgh the edge due to playoff experience. I guess I should say recent successful playoff experience. Flacco is still a liability.
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Australian Open Preview

First, I suppose an introduction is in order. I am Fetch, and I am an internet superstar a blogger. To drop in a couple shameless plugs right off the bat, you can find me writing about Kansas athletics at Rock Chalk Talk, the Twins at Twinkie Talk and college hockey at the creatively named The College Hockey Blog. You can also follow me on twitter @fetch9 if you would like.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the Australian Open preview. The Aussie Open is the first grand slam on the tennis calendar and probably my favorite. It could be that it comes after a long 5 month layoff after the US Open, or that it is a nice distraction from the cold January weather and the dreary school that goes with it. Or it could be that traditionally it is the one that features the most wide open field.

In any event, I love watching it, and it is one of the four times a year when I get to wear my serious tennis fan hat. Let’s begin the preview with the ladies: (more…)

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The Fake Babysitter

I’m not one to write about drunken hookup stories. It’s clichéd, cheap, exploitative, clichéd, bad form, douchey, lazy, the worst form of “humble brag,” and also clichéd. HOWEVER, writing about drunken hookup stories involving people that aren’t you? That’s just people-watching. And now matter how many times you think you’ve seen it all, people can surprise you. So why don’t you sit right back, and I, I may tell you a tale. A tale of drunken douchebaggery and thespianism set in the backdrop of fair Washington, DC. Across the street from the MCI Verizon Center after a Penguins-Capitals game that I wasn’t at.

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