Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Tuesday August 23rd 2011

The Gally Blog’s BCS National Championship Preview- Auburn Tigers Vs. Oregon Ducks


Here’s a quick national championship preview. This is a sports blog fer crissakes. The Auburn Tigers and Oregon Duck both have prolific offenses, but everyone knows the SEC is bigger, faster, and stronger than the Wack-10. Tonight’s game may, in fact, be the shootout everyone has predicted, but I think Auburn will come out on top in the end. I predict Auburn will win 41-35. The Auburn defense has been shaky for many quarters this year, but has always been able to come up with a big stop or two or a turnover or two when they’ve needed it. If Nick Fairley can get a hold of anybody he will make an impact although Oregon’s skill players may be too fast for him. I think whichever team forces more turnovers will win.
Plus check out this video someone made for Oregon, totally gay.


Now check out this video of some guy getting people in South Korea to cheer for Auburn I saw posted on Track ‘Em Tigers:

I think we can see the advantage clearly goes to Auburn based on the above videos alone. I rest my case.

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Last Call: The Twitterfied Edition

Image via

Last Call is a place to share the latest and greatest the Internet has to offer, as well as a place to converse with like minded degenerates. Enjoy

Musical Interlude:

Linkage:

The Oatmeal: How to make your online shopping cart much better. Or suck less.
Trends Map: Are you on the Twitterz? Are you into socialogical experiments? Trends Map gives you live, real time information on who and what is trending in your city.
Wonder Tonic: Haha. A real time feed of people tweeting their poops. Haha.
Tweet Stats: I love this site. Love it. This page gives you graphs and charts of your tweeting. Very interesting.
SB Nation: The venerable Spencer Hall gives us 43 can’t miss predictions about tonights BCS Championship game between Oregon and Auburn. Go Ducks.
Houston Press: A list of the ten sexiest Texan’s. If you can make it past #7 without masturbating, you’re a far better man(or woman) than I am.
Daddys Sugar Ball: Understanding Roger Goodell’s letter to the fans.
Playboy: I don’t ask for much, but won’t you help out my Twitter friend, Shera Bechard, win Playmate of the Year by voting for her?
It’s What I like: Possibly the sexiest, and hottest .gif of all time. Not for prudes.

Red Velvet Cheesecake: (more…)

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It Helps If You Know French

In another life/incarnation, this would be my handle and avatar.

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Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide- Wildcard Weekend Filled with Bold Predictions

This is your weekly NFL betting guide written by the rubiest rube of all rubes, Nonpopulist. I have been making my own NFL lines since 2005, and while I am no expert I would rate myself as an above average prognosticator/ handicapper. The Rubetastic post will be a mixture of picking against Vegas lines, insight into why I think a line was set a certain way, what my own lines are and how I came to those lines, overall NFL betting trends I notice, apologies about being completely wrong the prior week, and a disclaimer that the post is all for fun and you assume all risk when betting on the advice of some jackhole on the internet.

Last week I finished up a disappointing regular season in which I hit the skids pretty hard in the mid to late part of the season. Hit the skids? That sounds like it should be a gay sex euphemism. Here’s a recap of my week 17 picks that ended up giving me a final regular season record of 36-33-3 against the spread. I’m above water which is pretty much how I ended every season when I used to bet online. Keep in mind that some of the ones I got right I was very sure of and would have placed a larger bet and suggested you should do the same.

She's got just the kind of thickness I like, not that much

The playoffs are always interesting both to watch and handicap. There are some tried and true principles which govern recent NFL playoff football and some anomalous tidbits which need to be taken into consideration. Some of the widely agreed upon rules which are never hard and fast (tee hee) but should be considered with each matchup are:
1. Quarterback play is exponentially more key to a team’s victory in the playoffs than the regular season as far as confidence, production during the regular season, and playoff experience.
2. Prior playoff experience for coaches is huge whether it be as a head coach, player, or as an assistant coach. Sean Payton was the offensive coordinator and play caller when the Giants lost to the Ravens in the Super Bowl. He knew he had to seize the freaking day to have a chance to win, and he was not going to get burned again.
Here’s my picks for Wildcard Weekend:

New Orleans  -10.5 @ Seattle: I went back and forth a bit on this game. With such a large spread, the Seattle home field advantage, and the Saints running game looking so shaky with all the injuries I think Seattle will make a game of it for a while. Matt Hasselback and the Seahawk defense just does not have the juice to pull this off. The strange thing is I even leaned closer to picking Seattle when I still thought Charlie Whitehurst was going to start. He may still get some playing time in this game depending on how well the Saints rush the quarterback.

New York Jets @ Indianapolis -2.5: It pains me to pick the Colts, but the home field advantage is a factor as well as Peyton Manning.The hidden key to this game is the Cotls’ defense. A lot of people are still operating under the assumption the Colts’ defense is horrible since it was for most of the season. They have played very well the past couple of weeks, though. It’s a trend with the Colts. If Indy gets out to an early lead this game will be over after the first quarter. Joseph Addai is back for the Colts also. (more…)

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game

… Dan Snyder, I want to kill you. Kristen Bell, I want to …

It’s over. Now I have to go back to actually writing instead of paint-by-numbers. I believe there was a football game in there somewhere. One that involved 4 Skins turnovers and a missed 30-yard field goal. But now we’re in the offseason and my digestive system can rest easy.

Did you know that the Redskins team headquarters and facilities are in Ashburn, Virginia. I officially motion that they change the cozy hamlet’s name to Cockburn, Virginia. Speaking of Cockburn, since none of you have ever experienced what it’s like to have to drink Cockburn after your team loses (yet — man up, suckers!), there’s no way of escaping. You receive an official message from CBHQ that it’s time to drink it. In circles of the know, it’s called a CockBurn Notice. Also, in Cockburn-eligible games that one is unable to watch, you may communicate with fellow members of the Order of the Burn by way of CB Radio. Just thought you might want to know. Anyway, let’s head down to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump. (more…)

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Last Call: People Gettin’ Fired Y’all

Oldie, but I like it

Last call is the primo hang out for all your internet after-hours cool people and wannabes. So be hip or eat shit. They call this black Monday in the NFL world because after the season is over a lot of coaches get fired. They do not call it black Monday because black coaches get hired or really anything besides interviewed to satisfy the Rooney rule. /Race relations’d. The exception this year is Leslie Frazier who has been named head coach of the Minnesota Vikings. Eric Mangina was fired. Fisher is safe for another season. The Jaguars are going to keep Jack Del Rio and are moving to Los Angeles in a year or two anyway. What did I miss? Let’s get to some links.

Linkage:

BlackSportsOnline: Brett Favre is getting sued for sexual harassment. I wonder if the defendant will have a shortage of character witnesses. /Cut to Peter King drooling and humping Favre’s leg. Who am I kidding? This will never go to trial.

AltReport: Chloe Sevigny was at the beach and thankfully? someone got pictures of that momentous occasion. The Alt Report is one of the few sites on the internet that makes me laugh consistently.

Deadspin: Hilarious. Apparently Jim Rome caught a taping of America’s Funniest Home Videos and Michelle Beadle was in the audience as well. Awesome.

GoDuckGo: Google tracks almost everything you do. I use AdBlockPlus to combat most of what this page talks about. Very important stuff here.

Nerdist: Check out this post if you’re paranoid like I am.

Cheesecake for the fellas:

Act like you can get enough of Alison Brie. Try to act like you can, liar.

Cheesecake for the ladies:

Reenactment of me on New Year’s Eve

Music Video: The Who with David Gilmour- Love Reign O’er Me

Nonpopulist out.


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Some Heartfelt New Year’s Wishes From Old King Clancy

If you followed me from The Phoenix Pub, you’re probably familiar with this schtick already.

And a New Year’s toast coming up after the jump. (more…)

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Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 17 Wrapping Up the Regular Season

This is your weekly NFL betting guide written by the rubiest rube of all rubes, Nonpopulist. I have been making my own NFL lines since 2005, and while I am no expert I would rate myself as an above average prognosticator/ handicapper. The Rubetastic post will be a mixture of picking against Vegas lines, insight into why I think a line was set a certain way, what my own lines are and how I came to those lines, overall NFL betting trends I notice, apologies about being completely wrong the prior week, and a disclaimer that the post is all for fun and you assume all risk when betting on the advice of some jackhole on the internet.

As I stated at the beginning of the season the hardest 3 weeks for me to handicap are weeks 1, 2, and 17 of the NFL season. May I remind you of a few years ago when Bill Belichick “didn’t” but allegedly did tank a game in week 17 because it gave the Patriots a better draw in the first round of the playoffs. Another year I remember the Colts letting the Titans when Tony Dungy was still coaching the Colts. You can not convince me there are not shenanigans afoot in week 17 of the NFL. On top of that you have various teams checking out because they are ready for the season to be over since they are not making the playoffs. Still yet one of the most influential factors in these late season games is the coaching. Coaches are coaching for jobs either at their current location or to make themselves more appealing for the next possible position. I say all of that to say week 17 is a minefield. Stay frosty. It’s chess not checkers. Let’s look back at last week’s picks. I’m now 34-31-3 in picks against the spread this season.

New York Jets @ Chicago -1: RIGHT. The Jets lost and still made the playoffs. What was their motivation to win this game?

Dallas -7 @ Arizona: WRONG. Wow, maybe that ginger doesn’t want the coaching job in Dallas.

Baltimore -3.5 @ Cleveland: RIGHT. Cleveland is such a fraud team. I knew Baltimore remembered the first time the two teams met this season and would make the necessary adjustments. The only surprise I had at the outcome of this game was the margin of victory wasn’t greater for the Ravens.

Detroit @ Miami -3.5: WRONG. So the Lions went on the road to play Florida teams in consecutive weeks and won both games when they haven’t won a game on the road in how long? I can’t believe anyone predicted that outcome. If they say they did then they are a witch. BURN THEM!

Houston -3 @ Denver: WRONG. I hate Tebow so much. I don’t have many mortal enemies, but I’m considering adding another entry to the list. Make some room Leno.

New York Giants +2.5 @ Green Bay: WRONG. So wrong. I was operating under the assumption Aaron Rodgers was either not going to play or was going to be limited at least in the play calls that were going to be made for him. Way wrong. I’m completely floored by the Giants defense getting manhandled like they did. I’m not feeling as good about the Giants against the spread and in the playoffs.

New Orleans +2.5 @ Atlanta: RIGHT. This seemed like a split series to me. I kind of these teams meet in the playoffs. OOOOOOHHHH the storylines are getting me wet already.

Cheerleader picture then the week 17 picks……

Despite what I wrote above I am salivating at the possibilities this week. Then I immediately correct myself and try to realize my anticipation should be a warning sign. I know one thing for sure. I’ve been burned so many times on this one mistake I am never making it again… that much. Don’t ever “believe” in a team that needs to win to get into the playoffs. Don’t believe in the fire in their belly. If they have to win in week 17 in order to get into the playoffs most likely they aren’t strong enough to get it done. Here’s this week’s minefield of picks.

Jacksonville @ Houston -3: The Jaguars will not have David Garrard this weekend, not that he’s Brett Favre or anything, but it is his team and he is serviceable about half the time. The big hit is the Jaguars will be without Maurice Jones-Drew this weekend in Houston. As far as Houston goes the season has been another huge disappointment for the Texans, but the consensus is Gary Kubiak will be back again next season with the defensive staff being fired and Wade Phillips being added as defensive coordinator next season. I actually love that idea. Of course it will begin anew the cycle of Wade Phillips being recognized as a great defensive coordinator and another owner foolishly thinking Wade would be a good head coach. NFL owners are not very good at learning from history. Even though most insiders think Kubiak is safe it probably wouldn’t hurt to win another division game. (more…)

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I’m Burnin’ For You: This Little Light of Mine, I’m Gonna Let it Burn!

Look what my Old Aunt Clancy, sister of my uncle who perpetuated the running Cockburn joke with me, made me for Christmas. This is why my family kicks ass.

(more…)

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Jaguars Game

Merry Christmas TO THE GROUND!!!!! Enjoy your Cockburn! Don’t pump that garbage through my veins!!!!!

Of course, any Skins win at this point is bittersweet since a truckload of teams just passed them for draft position. I don’t have much to say about this game besides that without Maurice Jones-Drew, the Jaguars kinda munch on a butt. And if the Skins’ pass defense were a condom, it couldn’t even cover my minuscule johnson. Anyway, I did appreciate getting use that clip and my digestive system appreciated the lack of Cockburn. Though I did chug some Sandeman port straight out the bottle on Christmas Eve so my grandparents, who like port as we’ve discussed in the past, would know to get some more instead of accidentally serving a fifth of a bottle. I don’t know why I wasn’t Time’s Man of the Year either, except that magazine might be dead. Anyway, let’s check in with our official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump. (more…)

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