Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Thursday September 15th 2011

Last Call: Logic + Snow Edition


For realzz


Last call is where we all come to congregate about tonight’s TV, last night’s sporting events and this morning’s hangover. Conversations can range from: Animals, sports, dick jokes, funny farts, not so funny farts, alcohol, random acts douchebaggery made funny because you are our friend, hooking up with the opposite sex, cockburn, sorts of trees, art, food, music, tits, my STD’s, ambitions and dreams that will later be shattered into dust, stand up comedy (unrelated), movies and television. Topics may NOT include: gay porn, spiders, air planes, Kirsten Dunst’s baby teeth, hugs and handshakes that go way longer than expected, mustaches on girls, Forrest Whitaker’s lazy eye, hostile robot takeovers, Berstreet’s new relationship to a guy that isn’t me, failure, dying alone, running out of my medication, komodo dragons that can operate weaponry, ship wrecks and other things that I have nightmares about.

Links:

Filmdrunk’s viewing must be a little low because he did enough work to put together a slideshow. But it’s for comment of the year. I might have to build my popularity up over there because I’m pretty sure every fake Twitter account has originated through Lance Martini

Spend Your New Year’s with Sex Cannon…Won’t You? – KSK

A Special Holiday Greeting from MMAfighting and Ben Fowlkes. (last years was funnier/drunker)

And lastly, my most recent comedy video. What’s a Logical post without some self whoring? I will be roasting an Indian, a Jew, a fat Egyptian and a fat Irish gay guy on Wednesday. I need material! HALP!


Okay now.. for the dudes:


UFC Ring girls Arianny Celeste and Chandella Powell. Anyone else realize it's FIGHT WEEK!?!



And for the ladies? (Not me this time)

 


Jim Zorn saying: "Hey Shanahan, thanks. Now, I can get laid in Washington again!" RAWR!


Okay folks. I need to shower and write for the roast. I’ll drop in later but I might also have to go meet this woman that I am trying to ditch. She said “This is my last attempt at asking you to hang out. Meet me at the bowling alley at 9:30PM” That’s pretty much saying “Logic, I don’t like you. I gave you an ultimatum where your only option of getting laid is doing something really shitty on a Tuesday. So fuck her right?

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Last Call: The Holidays Edititon

img via Daily What

Last Call is something something. I’m sure that you’re smart enough to figure it out.

Musical Interlude:

Linkage:

Sorry folks. I’m out on the farm and the Internet is a bit spotty. Feel free to share your links in the comments.

Bananas Foster Cheesecake: (more…)

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A Dramatic Interpretation of the NFL, the Eagles, and the City of Philadelphia

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The Perfect Christmas Cake Recipe

It looks nothing like this, but this is festive.

Well it’s Christmas time, as you may know. One of the things that comes from this is baking. Well, I’m here to help you fellas out, and/or some of of you ladies. Well below is compiled the simplest, easiest and most complete Christmas cake of all time. It’s sure to impress your friends, family and especially that special someone in your life. It might even get you some Christmas booty. Who knows. Enjoy.

1. Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.

2. Take a large bowl, check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

3. Repeat.

4. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

5. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

6. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup.

7. Turn off the mixerer.

8. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

9. Mix on the turner.

10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

11. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.

12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit.

13. Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

14. Add one table.

15. Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find.

16. Greash the oven and piss in the fridge.

17. Turn the cake tin 350 defrees.

18. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

19. Throw the bowl out of the f**king window.

20. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

Note: This recipe is not my creation. I got it from a special someone who got it from an email thread. It is impossible to credit the originator. Anyways, enjoy.

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Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 16, Finishing Strong

This is your weekly NFL betting guide written by the rubiest rube of all rubes, Nonpopulist. I have been making my own NFL lines since 2005, and while I am no expert I would rate myself as an above average prognosticator/ handicapper. The Rubetastic post will be a mixture of picking against Vegas lines, insight into why I think a line was set a certain way, what my own lines are and how I came to those lines, overall NFL betting trends I notice, apologies about being completely wrong the prior week, and a disclaimer that the post is all for fun and you assume all risk when betting on the advice of some jackhole on the internet.

This week’s highly anticipated Rubetastic will be abbreviated since I can only steal away so many moments at the in-laws place. Let’s look at the week 15 picks which brought my season total to 31-27-3.

Kansas City @ St. Louis +1: WRONG, I made this pick when I didn’t think Matt Cassell was going to start. Remember he was iffy all week after his surgery. I’m not saying I would have picked Kansas City had I known Cassell was playing. I am saying I wouldn’t have included it in the picks I recommended had I known he was going to play and be effective.

Arizona @ Carolina -2.5: RIGHT. Both teams such, but Carolina has shown a little bit more in my opinion recently plus ARI had to travel from west to east.

New Orleans @ Baltimore -1: RIGHT. I knew either team could win this game, and it would most likely be close. I gave the edge to Baltimore since New Orleans is a dome team and they were playing outdoors at Baltimore. That stuff means a couple of points during the colder months.

Detroit @ Tampa Bay -5.5: WRONG. Damn you Drew Stanton and damn you Tampa Bay. Why are you guys shitting the bed all of  a sudden. You’ve had such a good season. I guess the Bucs’ heads are getting dizzy from being in the clouds. I’m staying away from Tampa Bay for the final two weeks of the season.

Philadelphia +3 @ New York Giants: RIGHT. I was confused by New York being favored in this game. I order to get equal action I had placed my line at PHI -2. I had an inkling Philly would win by at least a TD.

Denver @ Oakland -6.5: RIGHT. People are ready to drink the Tebow kool-aid and his jizz along with it. I was talking to a friend that has Tebow blinders on and I told him NFL defensive coordinators will have Tebow figured out all of next year off of these last 3 games of the season.

Chicago -3.5 @ Minnesota: RIGHT. Again I gave Chicago a few points since this game was to be played outdoors and because at the time we all thought Joe Webb was going to start. I didn’t panic when it was learned Favre was going to start. I got the CHI -3.5 from the ESPN pick ‘em game, but I saw the line on the day of the game at CHI -8. I would have still bet Chicago there even with Favre playing. I thought it was very likely he wouldn’t finish the game to the point I didn’t even take Joe Webb out of the lineup for a fantasy football playoff game and replace him with Aromoshadu or Hester even though I had plenty of time to do so.
Cheerleader time.

Quick and dirty this week.

New York Jets @ Chicago -1: I like Chicago this week as Mark Sanchez is hurt and possibly not playing.

Dallas -7 @ Arizona: Arizona is bad and Dallas needs to finish strong so that both coaches and players will have jobs next year.

Baltimore -3.5 @ Cleveland: Am I the only one who realized Cleveland is a sham team about 7 weeks ago? I like Baltimore big this weekend.

Detroit @ Miami -3.5: Detroit has to go back to Florida for a game in consecutive weeks, this time even deeper into America’s wang. Never mind Detroit’s win last week being their first road win in a while, Detroit even won their first division game in several years against Green Bay a few weeks ago. THE CITY’S SAVED! They’re going to go undefeated for 10 years! *Makes fart noise with armpit. This line is too low. I thought I was being overly cautious when I set my line at Miami -5.

Houston -3 @ Denver: I don’t know how much more vehement I can be. I do not like Tim Tebow as a football player. I think I may be letting it blind me. Schaub just throw it to Andre Johnson or dump it off to Arian Foster. Only use your brick-handed tight ends to look off safeties and linebackers. That is your key to success.

New York Giants +2.5 @ Green Bay: Aaron Rodgers has been cleared to play this week, but can Green Bay run the ball well enough to ensure Rodgers safety from the Giants’ pass rush? I’m betting no.

New Orleans +2.5 @ Atlanta: The game of the week as far as I’m concerned.

But hey, what do I know? I’m 31-27-3 on the year.

Sexy Disclaimer: This post is intended for entertainment purposes only. You assume all of your own risk when placing a bet either legal or illegal. Neither The Gally Blog nor the author assume any risk for any bets placed on advice or content contained in this post or on this blog.

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*Wet Spot in Pants Grows Slowly*

OK everyone, settle down. Yes, this is a bad long awaited post from PJD, but I just had to share this with someone.

Three people are aware that I usually just write about Minnesota Vikings football over at Purple Jesus Diaries, and occasionally I share funny stories, sports humor, and swear words at this here blog. Mostly, I’ve shared things around college football. That is largely because I melt like a a stick of butter on your moms tits whenever I see anything related to college football. Gameday music? Erection. Marching bands playing school songs? Weak in the knees. Co-ed girls stripping and having threesomes? That is sometimes OK too.

As the college season ends, however, I get a little sad and really tend to grab on to things like the above posted video, which is of the University of Hawaii marching band CREATING A KICKER, AND THEN KICKING A FOOTBALL. I cannot stress enough how fantastic this is. The stick figure is true schtick (eh?!) and even the form is fantastic. His gallop towards the ball, the spreading of his arms as he kicks, the planting of the foot and extension and follow through with the ball … Damn. You ever see anything like this in the NFL? No! You just see roofs collapsing and quarterbacks committing suicide because they don’t know how to live without football. GAY. This, this is awesome.

And that’s why I wanted to share it with you.

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I’m Burnin’ For You: A Merry Cockburn Christmas Special

First of all, here’s Old King Clancy watching the Skins-Cowboys game:

Yeah, I’ve had that in my back pocket for losing to the Cowboys all season. Turns out, maybe the Eagles game was the right place for it. However, since if there’s one thing I’ve learned from 2 weeks on Twitter, it’s that people on the Internet are supposed to repeatedly pat themselves on the back, I’d like to mention how perfectly the lyrics from last week’s song describe being a Skins fan.

So, the Sex Cannon. Since the DC media are generally a bunch of flip-flopping lapdogs, he’s currently the toast of the town. Despite losing. Yes, he threw 4 TD passes and a lot less ground balls than McNabb. However, he also threw a horrific interception on the Skins’ 20 and fumbled on the Skins’ 20. So yeah, he was better than McNabb for this game. But to use my dad’s genius description of Neil Lomax, he’s “just good enough to lose with.” And the point is that they lost. To the Cowboys. Now, in the Cannon’s defense, the real reason they lost is because the defense and special teams kept fucking that chicken. Yes, the Sex Cannon fucked over the defense with a couple of his turnovers, but none of their 460 yards allowed is the Cannon’s fault. And the kick and punt coverage did their jobs as well as Jennifer Lopez trying to sing or act (or pretend to be a human being). So the Sex Cannon sucked the least out of the 3 elements. Good for him. They still lost. To the Cowboys.

I’d like to surrender the floor to Hogs Haven‘s (my favorite Skins’ blog) Ken Meringolo, who said best of this: “Chalk up another “We should have won, could have won, but really had no business being close to winning” day. I mean, there we were yet again…the ways this team takes losses are simply amazing. What lessons are we learning this year? Really…what are we gaining from the experience of almost winning this many times? I worry that the lesson being driven into this team is more how to lose than how to win. I suppose the hope is that another offseason of roster upheaval will further erode the foundation of our institutional culture of losing. We can only hope that young, promising players like Brian Orakpo and Trent Williams will escape the psychological anvil that has destroyed guys who have played here in the past. After all, there is a limit to how much bullshit a professional can withstand before he either decides to leave or decides to give up and go through the motions.” Amen. And there’s always a glass of Cockburn available for you and your partner, Kevin Ewoldt.

Speaking of, and sorry for taking up space on the main page, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump: (more…)

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Last Call: Pearl Necklace for Christmas Edition

 

So fucking true

They used this on the show the other night- via

Last Call is what it is. Y’all know what it is by this point in time. If you’re new the place, it’s a gather of the best the Internet has to offer, coupled with good music, sexy pictures and conversations with like minded folks down in the comment section.
I hope all you ladies get pearl necklaces for Christmas this year. To all you dudes I hope you get to give them.

Musical interlude: This song is catchy.

Linkage:

Eating of The People’s Princess: Tumblr’s are getting mighty disposable nowadays.
The AV Club: “Martin Scorcese, Joe Pesci, Robert De Niro, and Al Pacino Are Making a Mob Movie Together” De Niro and Pacino still have a lot of making up to do for Righteous Kill.

Hot looking lady:

O my gawd. via

Hot Looking Fellow:

Jeff Bridges

Bonus video feat. comedian Tom Segura:

Merry effin Christmas. Your boy Nonpopulist is going on a partial hiatus from creating internet magic for the holidays. I’ll be back in full effect after the new year.

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Last Call: The Christmas Vacation Edition

img via Hot Hot Japan Hot

Last Call is what it is. Y’all know what it is by this point in time. If you’re new the place, it’s a gather of the best the Internet has to offer, coupled with good music, sexy pictures and conversations with like minded folks down in the comment section.

Musical Interlude:

Right This Second-Deadmau5. This song takes a minute or three to get going and then blammo. Ham.

Linkage:

Wall Street Journal: A Holiday message from Ricky Gervais on why he’s an atheist.
Sex, Cigars & Booze: Research shows that women find men in red more attractive. You know who wears a lot of red? Tiger Woods. And Santa Claus.
The Frisky: 11 Movies that are randomly getting sequels in 2011. Boo, hiss to most of them.
Geek Tyrant: A photographer turns his 91 year old grandmother into a superhero to cheer her up. Awesome.
Film Drunk: Vince reposts his Tron Legacy review so that you can yell at him in the comment section.
WWTDD: OMGZ Megan Fox is in a bikini. In Hawaii or something. I’m gonna be frank with you, she doesn’t look all that great un-makeup’d. Sure, she’s skinny with big boobs but, you know. Or maybe you don’t.
Warming Glow: Ufford presents his top ten shows of 2010. Do you care? Probably not, but I do so deal with it.
KSK: Yeah this post is from last Thursday. Yeah it’s a Sex and Fantasy Football advice column from an NFL satire blog. And yet, it’s fantastic. Check it and the 142 comments out.

Cookies and Cream Cheesecake: (more…)

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What’s On Deck?

An incomplete, inadequate and inappropriate preview of what’s going on tonight in the world of sports and entertainment. All times listed are EST

People like to complain that summer is the dregs of the TV season. They are wrong. Dead wrong. The weeks leading up to Christmas, and right after Christmas is the blackened, festering mire or the TV season. It’s all crappy Christmas specials, and reruns. Entertain me TV, entertain me.

Million Dollar Money Drop: (Fox-8PM) If you watch this, you’re what’s wrong with the world. This is the two hour series premiere and hopefully finale.

The Sing Off: (NBC-8PM) Yeah! Fuck YEAH! This is apparently the season two finale. Apparently. Knowing NBC though, season three probably starts Thursday. Cocks.

South Park: (Comedy Central-8PM) Yeah, I railed on Christmas specials up above, but this is a 6 episode “marathon” of South Park Christmas episodes. Two thumbs up.

Monday Night Football: (ESPN/TSN-8:30PM) There’s been some pretty big suckfests for MNF this year, but this one is gonna be bad. Real bad. Joe Webb or some such random guy off the street is piloting the Vikings against the Bears. It might be in a blizzard though, so there’s that.

Castle: (ABC-9PM) It’s a repeat of the two hour season premiere, but I highly enjoyed that episode, so check it out wont you? Castle is actually one of the most underrated shows on TV and is actually put together quite well. Nathan Fillion, as always, is stellar.

Black Ops Brothers: Howe and Howe Tech: (Discovery-10PM) I’ve never seen this show before but the premise is interesting. Two brothers investigate new and cutting edge military technology. Tonight, they attend a ripsaw weapon demo. I don’t know what that is, but it sounds awesome.

Perfect Couples: (NBC-10PM) This is a sneak peak at the series premiere, which I assume NBC will re-air at a later date? This show seems forced and lazy and might be trying to hard to be a show that already existed under the name of Friends. I’m not one of those fancy guys that gets advanced screeners, so I’m going on word of mouth and trailers on this one. Maybe this show works, but it’s NBC so I kind of doubt it. It does have decent eye candy in Olivia Munn though, and I do like two of the lead actors, Kyle Howard and David Walton. I’ll give it a shot, but I’ll not hold my breath that it’ll be good.

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