Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Tuesday August 2nd 2011

I’m Burnin’ For You: BLOODSUGARSEXCANNON!!!!!!!

(via KSK)

Hey, I said next week’s upcoming holiday blowout massacre Cockburn-a-palooza was going to be epic. And I’m a man of my fucking word. Gentlemen, put that Cockburn on ice because it’s going to be legen … wait for it … dairy. (And yes, it says “dairy” on purpose. Start your thought engines). And ladies, your “I’m coy, I’m hot and cold, I’m poker-facing” routine isn’t nearly as cute as you think it is. In fact, it’s not at all. You will bow before the majesty of the Sex Cannon! We’re playing for draft position, baby! COCKBURN AHOY!!!!!!!!!!

Goddamn, the Skins suck.

Popularity: 1% [?]


Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 15, At Least We Have Cheerleaders

This is your weekly NFL betting guide written by the rubiest rube of all rubes, Nonpopulist. I have been making my own NFL lines since 2005, and while I am no expert I would rate myself as an above average prognosticator/ handicapper. The Rubetastic post will be a mixture of picking against Vegas lines, insight into why I think a line was set a certain way, what my own lines are and how I came to those lines, overall NFL betting trends I notice, apologies about being completely wrong the prior week, and a disclaimer that the post is all for fun and you assume all risk when betting on the advice of some jackhole on the internet.

Last week I decided to pick a bigger selection of games against the spread. Let’s see how that worked out. I’ll give you a hint, about zero sum. Let’s look back on the week of picks that has brought me to 26-25-3. A season that began with so much promise has been dashed without remorse. At least we have cheerleaders to look at it.

Cleveland @ Buffalo -1: RIGHT. Buffalo at home, playing teams tough all season, and showing they can put up some offense and Cleveland being exposed recently and starting Delhomme again- easy bet.

Cincinatti -8.5 @ Pittsburgh: WRONG. I thought with Big Ben struggling through some serious injuries the Bengals might have enough of a bump to keep it close. Apparently not.

Tampa Bay -2 @ Washington: WRONG. I’m not saying this game was fixed, but the Redskins bobbled an extra point at the end of the game that would have sent the game into overtime. HMMMMMMMMMM>>>>>………….>>>…..

St. Louis +9 @ New Orleans: WRONG. I think people, including me, have been sleeping on the Saints this season because they lost some games early and haven’t been winning in the spectacular fashion to which we have grown accustomed. They are a quiet 10-3. I focused on the the Rams and thinking they had a scrapper’s chance in this matchup.

Seattle +5.5 @ San Fransisco: WRONG. Neither of these teams is for real, but Seattle has been doing okay against mediocre teams this year. I did not think San Fransisco had the ability to put up 40 points, but I guess Alex Smith is trying not to suck. That’s probably good for his career.

Denver @ Arizona +5.5: RIGHT. I had a very good feeling this would be the exception to the rule of interim head coaches winning their first games this season because there’s a bit more of a mess than Jason Garrett inherited in Dallas and Leslie Frazier inherited in Minnesota. I think Josh McDaniels ripped the crown molding off the walls and the electrical outlets out of the walls on the way out of Denver.

Kansas City @ San Diego -6.5: RIGHT. The only line I really saw for this game was San Diego -6.5 which was way too low. I had my line at San Diego -9. On the road and without Cassell I’m not at all surprised the Chiefs weren’t able to score.

Philadelphia -3.5 @ Dallas: WRONG. A freaking half point. Love it.
Now a cheerleader and let’s look at next week.

There are some interesting lines on games this week. I feel good about these picks for whatever that’s worth.

Chicago -3.5 @ Minnesota: This line isn’t on the board at most sportsbooks right now. I pulled this off of the ESPN Pigskin Pick ‘em contest, but this is another bet the mortgage scenario. The reason this game isn’t on the board is because the Vikings are not sure what they are going to be doing at quarterback for the game. I think there’s a chance Favre goes, but the team has placed Tavaris Jackson on IR and signed Patrick Ramsey. Joe Webb is also a possibility. Also the location of this game is in question with the Vikings stadium still not ready after the roof collapse. There is a strong possibility this game will be played outside. That favors the Bears. Take this game to the back.

Popularity: 1% [?]


I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Bucs Game

Just wait. I’m saving the big fucking guns for next week’s holiday blowout massacre extravaganza. Seriously, unless the Skins fuck it up by winning, it’s going to be epic. Anyway, what can one really say about that shit-show? Kinda the most perfect way ever for this team to lose. And who misses a 30 and 24 yard FG? I mean, those should be mandatorially celebrated with a dismissive wank gesture. Which brings me to my real point. Tampa couldn’t stop Ryan Torain in the first half, so the only reason the Skins are kicking FGs is because Mike and Kyle Shanahan inexplicably decide to call pass plays. Blame special teams all you want, but it takes a lot of ineptitude on all sides (don’t forget the choking-ass defense) to lose a football game. Now, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.


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Last Call: The Sharkgina Edition

img via. From The Ashes

Last Call is what it is. Y’all know the drill. If you need a refresher, it’s a collection of the best of the Internet combined with music, sexy people and conversation with friends and strangers. Oh, and making fun of Greg, aka gimpshot.

Musical Interlude:

Evil Boy by Die Antwoord. Don’t watch if you’re a Sensitive Sally.


Bingo Fuel: A visualization of Facebook relationships across the world.
Gunaxin: In case you didn’t know, Logic, Nonpopulist and myself have brought our talents to Gunaxin. Here’s Hugh’s first post there, on UFC 124.
The Big Lead: More MMA, yeah, I know. Anyways, there’s some wondering going on if GSP is not a good finisher and if he’s really all that good or something.
Film Drunk: I could just post the video here or something, but Vince found it first and is probably is desperate for the page views. So won’t you check out 270 movies in 6 minutes?
SB Nation: Ranking the hirings of new college football coaches and other miscellaneous things.
Warming Glow: Another guy completely desperate for page views, I assume, Matt panders to the lowest level by interviewing an actual celebrity. That celebrity, Henry Fucking Rollins. Around these parts, we’re so disdainful of page views that most days we don’t even post.
Gizmodo: So, scientists think they may have cured AIDS. Now if only they’d put their minds to good use and come up with cloning, hoverboards and a cure to the nastiest of all STD’s, herpes & genital warts children.
TV. Gawker: Jon Stewart goes on a rant, surprise, to tell Republicans that you can’t exploit 911 anymore. It’s pretty damn good.
Daddys Sugar Ball: The guys present their favorite football badasses of all time. ALL TIME.
Playboy: My future wife Shera, pictured below, is in the running for Playmate of The Year. Won’t you do her a favor and vote for her?

Blueberry Cheescake with White Chocolate Glacage: (more…)

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Logic is interviewed on the NFL Season

Please. No press. Real bloggers don't post pictures of themselves..

Host: Welcome! Welcome one and all. We haven’t had an interview with our pseudo-celebrity guest, Logic…(sigh) in a while so let’s have at it, I guess?

Logic: (rips line of oxycontin, turns to host) Well, hello beautiful. Let’s get this show on the road. What am I fielding questions about? Your mother and her rounds at the adult shop glory holes? She doesn’t think we can see her…but we can. (pulls out Four Loko)

Host: God dammit, behave yourself. Put the coffee beer away, will ya? Now let’s see if we can get some questions for you on the NFL season thus far. (to media) Okay, so any questions involving the 2010 season, Logic will answer. Don’t forget to razz the old bean on being a Giants fan! HURRR

Logic: (pushes host’s face, points to interviewer)

Interviewer 1: Who do you feel is the strongest candidate for the MVP this season? Tom Brady?


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Last Call: The Action Corgi Edition

Mush Mush

Julia Segal

Alright bitches! Last Call is what it is. It’s a place of joy, wonderment and conversation with like minded individuals.

Musical Interlude:


Under Experiment: Finally someone has put science to good use and proven once and for all that Santa Claus is real. For real yo.
Mars Watch: Have you ever wondered what a sunset looks like on Mars? Well, it’s awesome. You’re Welcome.
EDSBS: Gus Malzahn, the dread pirate, deals the Commodore a blow.
The Atlantic Wire: Why some veterans hate it when you say thank you.
Black And Gold Tchotchkes: Where someone travels back in time 4 months to tell themselves how their great fantasty draft went in the future.
Tech Crunch: What a little creativity combined with Facebook’s shitty new profile can actually accomplish.
Roger Ebert: The sled and the saying Rosebud at the end of Citzen Kane apparently symbolize Vagina. I mean, I guess if you squint one eye and squirt lemon juice in your other eye it looks like a vagina.
Purple Jesus Diaries: Viktor The Viking reports on the metrodome collapse.
Daddys Sugar Ball: Breaking down Cam Newton’s Heisman speech. Hilarious.

Strawberry Mango Cheesecake with Balsamic & Cherry Compote: (more…)

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What’s On Deck

An incomplete, inadequate and inappropriate preview of what’s going on tonight in the world of sports and entertainment. All times listed are EST

How I Met Your Mother: (8PM-CBS) The show has been pretty hit or miss the last couple seasons, but has been as solid as it’s been in a long time the last few episodes. In tonights episode, Ted starts dealing with the Best Man roles for Punchy’s wedding, Robin gets a new job, Barney says something awesome and Alex Trebec guest stars.

Skating With The Stars/Sing Off: (8PM-ABC/NBC) If you watch any of these shows I would like for you to invite me over tonight. I’ll bring a nice bottle of red over, whisper sweet nothings in your ear and when your distracted by the bulge in my pants I’ll slip some draino into your drink. I may be tough but at least I’m fair.

The Princess Bride: (8PM-AMC) I love this movie. You don’t? INCONCEIVABLE! See what I did there? No? Ah, forget it.

Monday Night Football: (8:30PM-ESPN/TSN) This suckfest will be between the Houston Texans and the Baltimore Ravens. It features two teams that are good at stopping the run and one team that can’t stop the pass. Expect that team, Houston to win because the NFL doesn’t make sense this year. Also, look for questionable ref calls and Pittsburgh fans screaming at everything that goes Baltimore’s way. Oh yeah, also, Minnesota plays against the Giants in Detroit because of this.

Two and A Half Men: (9PM-CBS) Charlie and his girlfriend breakup. He seeks solace in his therapist. Also, hookers and blow. *mouth fart*

Hoarders: (10PM-A&E) A couple has, wait for it, a house full of stuff inside and out. The kicker with this one though, is a homeless man lives in their front yard. That is classy. Also, another couple whose hoarding is having an affect on their teenage daughter. Duh, you think?

Men of A Certain Age: (10PM-TNT) I never really got into this show last year. I keep hearing it’s good, but mostly I found it to be dry, depressing, unfunny and awkward. Kind of like an hour long version of The Office.

Yeah, it’s pretty much one giant mouthfart night for TV. Do yourself a favor, get the lady friend tipsy and play Doctor/hide the pork sword in the ham wallet.

Popularity: 1% [?]


Film Students Are Awesome: A Yogi Bear Alternate Ending

Pic mostly unrelated

If you hadn’t had the joy of watching the aborted fetus that is the trailer to the new 3D animated Yogi Bear movie, well fret not; it’s right beneath this word right here. Warning, go grab a beer or some paint thinner first.

I’ll give you a moment to finish that bottle of draino…. If you want to have a good cry now while rocking back and forth in the shower, I’d completely understand. It’s not often that something comes along and touches your childhood right in the swimsuit area. At least not so vigorously and without warning or lube.

The only good thing to come out of this shit show is the candy you received after to buy your silence fact that they made an incredibly awesome alternate ending. Not the kind of alternate ending you’d normally think of in a family comedy like this. It’s not a series of faux animated outtakes, like one would expect. It’s an incredibly dark and twisted, somber ending. Kind of like David Lynch thought it up. This had to be some inside joke that was made up by a bunch of film students that was never expected to see the light of day. I imagine it’ll get taken down right away, but in the meantime, enjoy! (more…)

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What Inspired the Internet’s Unfunny Jokes Today: The Collapse of the Mall of America Roof (Video)

The NFL world woke up to amazing video of the roof of the Metrodome Mall of America Field collapsing under the weight of heavy snowfall. The video really is something worth watching so you should watch it below. Thank goodness this collapse happened when no one was in the stadium.

Unfortunately the collapse led to a avalanche of jokes on twitter many of which were not that funny. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood today, but I was as unimpressed by the “God extending Favre’s consecutive games started streak by giving him another day to heal” as I am by people’s constant Cam Newton jokes. People just aren’t as funny as they think they are. Running stuff into the ground is funny. I enjoy running jokes into the ground, but people take stuff way too seriously and then mask riding their moral high horse by making a joke. I can sense people’s venom. Why so serious, people. If anything Brett Favre having an extra day to get right would be evidence of there being no god the way everyone seems to hate him nowadays. I don’t know. I’ve got sand in my vagina today. Nothing’s very funny to me right now. O wait, you’ve got one about the NFL making the roof collapse because they wanted Favre’s streak to continue? I’ve got a rubber chicken to shove up your ass. Wow, I did not realize how bad of a mood I was in until I wrote this post. I need to chill out and have a beer. Out.

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Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 14, in the Hole Again and Not the Good Kind

I know not many people read this. I see the blog statistics and everything, but I care about this as a matter of pride. Last week’s performance 1-3 on picks against the spread is simply appalling. I’m ashamed. I plan to unleash hell on this week’s picks, but not in the same sort of sucky way Mike Tomlin meant last year. Let’s look at my screw ups and laugh. We can laugh about it, right guys? I’m now 23-20-3 on the season. Ouch.

Cleveland @ Miami -5: WRONG. I thought Miami had somewhat rallied after going on the road and beating a much-improved Oakland Raiders team. Miami’s inconsistency this season should have signaled me to stay away from picking this game. Cleveland’s not any better. Some people actually think this is a good team. They have had some great upsets, though.

Jacksonville @ Tennessee -3: WRONG. O, Tennessee decided to not play against a division rival. Time to consider betting against Tennessee every week. I don’t care what people say. Most of the players on this team have quit, and I say that being a Titans fan.

St. Louis -3.5 @ Arizona: RIGHT. I had the feeling Arizona was a good bet after how horrible they have been playing. Still this was only St. Louis’ second road win of the season.

Bonus game- Chicago -5 @ Detroit: WRONG. I hate being wrong by one point as much as the Westboro Baptist Church fags hate… fags. I guess the lesson here is Detroit should be respected against the spread. I guess.
Let’s take a look at a cheerleader and then this week’s picks.

This week I am either going to completely redeem myself or dig myself deeper in the hole. I have my lines set very similar to what Vegas has on most games this week. I only have different teams favored than Vegas on two games. I like my games for inducing equal action as well as Vegas’ (that is the point of betting lines, after all), but seeing the Vegas lines makes me want to pick those games. Here goes. I’m picking more games than usual this week to try to get back on the winning track. This might not end well.

Cleveland @ Buffalo -1: Now that Buffalo has the monkey of having not won a game off of their back I like them to pick up a couple of more wins this season. This is the perfect game to pick up another win. Cleveland is having to travel a good distance in back to back weeks and Buffalo does have a decent home advantage. Despite losing games Buffalo has been able to put up a good amount of points in some games. I also like Jake Delhomme to wake from the dream state he played in last week and remember he’s Jake Delhomme and throw a few picks to Buffalo. I had the same line as Vegas on this game.

Cincinatti -8.5 @ Pittsburgh: I would like this game even more the higher the line gets favoring Pittsburgh. The Bengals will most likely not win the game, but they are desperate and still have talent on the team. If Cincy can get the medium passing game and screen passes going I think they can work on a Pittsburgh defense that will want to blitz Carson Palmer. The Steelers are probably still sore from last Sunday night’s tough game against the Ravens.

Tampa Bay -2 @ Washington: The Bucs lost a tough game at home last week against Atlanta, but if they can hang with Atlanta they should be able to beat the Redskins by more than 2 points.

St. Louis +9 @ New Orleans: The bottom line is New Orleans is not the behemoth they were last season. The Saints will still likely win this game, but St. Louis can keep this game closer than 9 points. The Saints may have Pierre Thomas back this week, but I think him and Reggie Bush are more a frustration than a help at this point. Ivory and Julius Jones seem more capable than guys coming off of medium-term injuries.

Seattle +5.5 @ San Fransisco: I seem to have been doing well this year with the NFC West. I am convinced Seattle will win this game outright. San Fransisco is going back to Alex Smith at quarterback so Smith will have a chip on his shoulder and try even harded to force those interceptions in there. This is one of the lines where Vegas and I differed on the favorite. I had Seattle favored.

Denver @ Arizona +5.5: O, so just because Dallas and Minnesota made head coaching changes and had instant success you think that will happen this week as Denver’s running backs’ coach takes over as interim head coach? Not bloody likely. This game is for gamblers, though. I would put a less than average amount on this game. This is the other game where Vegas and I differed. I’ve been doing ok in the NFC West this year.

Kansas City @ San Diego -6.5: This game wasn’t on the board at where I normally pull the Vegas lines from since KC QB Matt Cassell is most likely not playing. I had my line at San Diego -9 so if you can find San Diego -6.5 I would be all over it. That would be a “bet the mortgage” type of situation. I got the 6.5 number from ESPN’s pick ‘em contest.

Philadelphia -3.5 @ Dallas: I can just see Michael Vick carving up Dallas’ secondary on 20 yard in routes. This game will be ugly. Dallas does not have the people to stop Vick. Dallas will miss Dez Bryant even though he has been quiet in games before being put on injured reserve. He has been quiet because opposing defenses have been keying on him a little more. Have you noticed how Dallas has been running the ball a little bit better? Defenses have been having to account for 2.5 receivers plus Jason Witten. (I only count Roy Williams as a half of a guy.)

Here’s hoping for an improvement on 23-20-3. That’s pretty bad.

Sexy Disclaimer: This post is intended for entertainment purposes only. You assume all of your own risk when placing a bet either legal or illegal. Neither The Gally Blog nor the author assume any risk for any bets placed on advice or content contained in this post or on this blog.

Popularity: 1% [?]

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