Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Thursday September 15th 2011

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game

The video is right here. Even though one can’t embed video from Captain Zuckerberg’s Overly Precious Pyramid Scheme (thanks, dickbag; I don’t actually use your service), it’s worth your time.

Oh wait! That’s what I did Saturday afternoon. (Once again, support your local no-kill shelter). Sunday afternoon looked a little more like this:

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Last Call: The 2 Yellows Birthday Edition

Yay Everyday

Last Call is what it is. You either know it and like it, or you don’t and you’re a weirdo. Anyways, today’s is a special one as it’s long time site friend, Two Yellows, birthday. So give the Englishman some cheer and have a Stout in his honor.

Musical Interlude:

Linkage:

WWTDD:In the shame of all shame, Amber Heard has outed herself as a Lesbian. I mean, because if she hadn’t, we were totally going to get married and have sex. Totally.
The Oatmeal: Oatmeal diagrams what his car has and what every car needs.
Salon: Anti-Wikileaks lies and propaganda, so what exactly has WikiLeaks done to end the world?
Vanity Fair: The Quaid Conspiracy. No, not Quoto, Quaid. As in Randy.
KSK: Time for fun with Peter King.
Film Drunk: This video is some kind of amazing. It’s bloody, shocking, NSFW and you will want to un-see it, but will unable to. You may also laugh uncontrollably. As I did.
Black And Gold Tchotchkes: One day I may move down to LA so that I can be better food buddies with Sarah and I’ve told her so. Anyways, MANHATTAN CUPCAKES! Like the drink, not the place.

Key Lime Cheesecake with Basil-Dark Chocolate Gastrique.

The lovely, and English, Kayleigh Pearson.

Blue Wenslydale Cheesecake:

Charlie Hunnam RAAAWWWWRRRRR!!
As with all the lady cheesecake photos, click for a much bigger version.

Bonus Video:

Outro:

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Last Call: Terriers Is Gone But Not Forgotten Edition

I will remember you. Will you remember me? da na da da da da da

Last Call is a post we do on Monday and Tuesdays that involves links to stories of the day, pictures of sexy people, and a video or two. Commenting is generally encouraged. I’m super late with this post as I have had a lot of balls in the air today, and I know that doesn’t sound right. Let’s get to the nitty gritty with your itty bitty titties.

Linkage:
Hollywood Reporter: The awesome show Terriers was canceled today. I’ve been in mourning most of the day. It truly was a great show.
Bubbloy: Is twitter censoring discussion of Wikileaks? I don’t know, but this site seems to think so. I think they do a good job of backing up their assertion. Honestly though, twitter censoring Wikileaks is the least of our worries. The lack of quality Justin Bieber hashtags recently is a human rights violation. I will not stand for this. *puts symbolic tape over mouth
Cracked: This is a good article, but I would rename it “11 Celebrities Who Actually Have Some Redeeming Qualities As Opposed to None, Which Is the Norm.” Too wordy?
Alternet: Four Scenarios for the Coming Collapse of the American Empire. You know, in case you needed cheering up today.
Morning Freak Show: If you liked the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon growing up like I did, prepare to have your mind blown.

Hot looking lady: Rachel Bilson

Hot looking fellow:

Timothy Olyphant, at least we still have Justified…

That’s all for tonight. This is late enough already.

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Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 13, Buxom Edition

This is your weekly NFL betting guide written by the rubiest rube of all rubes, Nonpopulist. I have been making my own NFL lines since 2005, and while I am no expert I would rate myself as an above average prognosticator/ handicapper. The Rubetastic post will be a mixture of picking against Vegas lines, insight into why I think a line was set a certain way, what my own lines are and how I came to those lines, overall NFL betting trends I notice, apologies about being completely wrong the prior week, and a disclaimer that the post is all for fun and you assume all risk when betting on the advice of some jackhole on the internet.

I’m later than a hooker that lets you go raw dog’s period this week so I’ll keep it short. Last week sucked. I only got one game correct. So I was 1-2 last week bringing this season’s total to 22-17-3. All I can say about that is it is better than a losing record. My head is well above water for the season. Let’s look back at last week.

New Orleans -3.5 @ Dallas: WRONG. My thinking here was Dallas is a team that just went through a huge transition to a first-time head coach and if there would be an optimum time to falter it would be on a short week. I was right about them faltering, but wrong on the spread by a half point. That is one of the worst feelings as a bettor, to be wrong by half a point.

Green Bay +2 @ Atlanta: WRONG. I thought Green Bay would win outright. Obviously we all saw what happened in the game. If the Falcons can get consistent they have a chance to be a contender in the playoffs this year. I have been impressed with the team, but they have faltered at times. Matt Ryan is maturing at an exponential rate.

San Fransisco -1 @ Arizona: RIGHT. I was very confused by this line and remain so. As much as Arizona is in disarray right now I am tempted to take the other team against the spread the rest of the season. They’ll get another win, though. If they have any division games left look for them to try to be a spoiler and probably succeed. San Fransisco is playing better, but they are still a middle of the pack team.
Let’s look at a cheerleader and then this week’s picks against the spread.

This week has some interesting matchups in which I think the quarterback playing or not playing will make the difference.

Cleveland @ Miami -5: Jake Delhomme is starting this week. Aaawww, peaches! (That’s what I hypothesize Jake exclaims after he throws each interception in his attempt to break the all-time interceptions thrown record.) Miami at home by at least a touchdown. No brainer. I would bet an above average amount on this game if betting were legal where I live.

Jacksonville @ Tennessee -3: Hear me out on this one. Kerry Collins is not a bad quarterback. He is about 3rd or 4th on the all-time passing yard list among active players. He makes the difference for the Titans this week. Tennessee is at home in a playoff race against a team they have already beaten badly at their home stadium this week. Fisher historically owns the Jaguars. I am a fan of the Titans so I can’t advise betting above your standard bet, but if I were betting I would double what I normally bet and pick out a prostitute for later. Moss will get the ball in this game and Chris Johnson will have at least a touchdown and 85 yards rushing. Am I getting too bold with my predictions? Probably.

St. Louis -3.5 @ Arizona: Remember what I said about possibly betting against Arizona the rest of the season. When I saw this line it became obvious to me Vegas is thinking the same thing. This line seems golden on the surface, but you have to go a bit deeper on this line. Remember Vegas is playing chess not checkers. The Rams won for the first time on the road last week. That is a big deal for this team. To have to go on the road out west for a second consecutive week and try to win again is difficult for most teams, but we are talking about the Cardinals team that is likely frustrated and looking to play with at least some pride this week. The problem is Derek Anderson is most definitely not the same Derek Anderson who made the Pro Bowl a few years ago. The Cardinals will play a little better this week but for this team that means maybe a field goal or at best a touchdown.

Bonus game- Chicago -5 @ Detroit: Drew Stanton is starting this week. The Bears defense has been impressive in almost every game this season. If they can slow down Michael Vick like they did last week the Beard defense can send Drew Stanton back in time. As far as the Chicago offense they are the type of offensive units who thrive against bad defenses. As long as the Bears offensive line can stop Suh, Vanden Bosch, and whoever else rushes  for the Lions this will be a good week for Martz, Cutler, and especially Forte. Book it.

Sexy Disclaimer: This post is intended for entertainment purposes only. You assume all of your own risk when placing a bet either legal or illegal. Neither The Gally Blog nor the author assume any risk for any bets placed on advice or content contained in this post or on this blog.


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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Doesn’t Watch the Second Half of the Skins-Vikings Game

Sometimes in life, we have to make choices. This past Sunday, when given the choice of watching the second half of the Skins-Vikings game or drinking copious amounts of margaritas before the Capitals-Hurricanes game with friends I only see a couple times a year — on their tab — I took the free booze and company. Yes, the game was even on where I was, but I chose to mostly ignore it. Feel free to question my fandom all you want; I think I got the good end of this one. And I still felt The Burn when I got back to Chicago.

As for the game itself, well I can’t comment much on a game I really didn’t watch. Lots of fans and media types are saying that Perry Riley’s illegal block on the Skins’ best player by far, Brandon Banks’, would-be punt return touchdown cost the Skins the game. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if the Vikings kneeled down on the Skins’ 15 to end the game, they would have at least kicked a FG to force OT had Banks’ touchdown counted. So fuck that shit! Also, any team incapable of intercepting Brett Favre deserves two losses, not just one. We go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.

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Cortland Finnegan Is a Cross Between Satan, Jay Leno, and Justin Bieber

One of the biggest stories from the NFL weekend was the fight between Tennessee Titans cornerback Cortland Finnegan and Houston Texans wide receiver Andre Johnson. I can objectively say it was one of the best NFL fights in recent memory, and the camera didn’t cut away like it normally does and get a shot of an assistant coach picking his nose on the sideline instead of showing us the throwdown. Check it out below:

Andre Johnson wins the matchup by unanimous decision. Both Johnson and Finnegan have subsequently been fined $25,000 by the league. Many think the league should have fined Finnegan more or even suspended him since he has been fined repeatedly for aggressive play this season. Others have said Johnson should have been fined more or suspended because he actually threw and landed punches during the fight. The league had their reasons to hand down the punishment they did and can not be questioned because the commissioner’s office has shown they reign over the NFL with an iron fist and can change whatever they want during the season to the point where they changed being able to change rules during the season. The National Football League has said publicly before they wouldn’t do that. That changed when they decided they wanted to do it this year.
The problem I see with the situation is not necessarily the fines, but the bull shit moralizing that has been thrown Finnegan’s and the Titans’ way. This season is not the first in which the Tennessee Titans have been called dirty. The chatter has been more frequent and intense this year with everyone from Kyle Orton to Rodney Harrison crying pussy tears about the mean old Titans. I’m telling the media on you. Wah.
Yes, the Titans bait people into committing penalties out of frustration (i.e. the New York Giants game this season) to gain an edge. If that’s dirty then every NFL team is dirty and not just this season. Baiting teams psychologically to gain an edge is something that exists in sport, but just because the Titans are the freaking best at it people want throw up their arms and flail around, cry, and run to tug on daddy’s pant leg. Buck the fuck up you blithering babies. But the players and teams aren’t even who anger me the most. The media and people who think they are media online who are so ready to jump on people and float any opinion or theory they fart out of their ass are the ones who fill me with rage. I don’t mind jokes or people raising questions about the play in a reasonable manner, but I saw a few people who wanted to make it some sort of moral issue. Check yourselves, idiots. One person even called Cortland Finnegan a “soulless prick” and “just the kind of guy Jeff Fisher would like to coach.” That’s a bit over doing it in your attempt to make your bold statement that you feel will resonate authoritatively throughout the interwebz, douche juice. Many people said things along the line of Finnegan “got what he deserved.” I’ve got news for everyone. The golden thrones you sit upon from which you dole out your righteous internet justice are made of pee-soaked urinal cakes.
The person who drew most of my rage Sunday evening was Rodney Harrison. On Football Night in America he took another opportunity to pile on the Titans much like he did during his playing days. He’s called Tennessee dirty more than a few times now and frankly I am getting sick of him not knowing what the definition of the word hypocrite is. I saw many Patriot games when Harrison was playing and always marveled at how many times he dove into piles after the whistle helmet-first. He was one of the dirtiest players in the league during his playing days, but somehow he has forgotten this. The reason he always picks on the Titans is because that was the team he was playing against in the game where his MCL, PCL, and ACL were destroyed. He feels indignant toward the Titans and has held onto it for years feeling he was wronged. What he doesn’t remember is he made his own dirty plays during that game doing his usual diving into piles and even hitting the quarterback late and high in the game. Does anyone know if he had any concussions during his playing days? Is that contributing to his memory loss?
Parting thought: for those who think the Titans are dirty you are the fans for whom Roger Goodell is turning the NFL into a pussy league.

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Last Call: The Grey Cup Edition

Last Call is a post we do on Monday and Tuesdays that involves links to stories of the day, pictures of sexy people, and a video or two. Commenting is generally encouraged. And I was just kidding about the Grey Cup Edition thing. I’m not Canadian and know nothing about Canadian football or the the game yesterday. The only reason I am aware the game happened is because Gally tweeted about it. He was at the game. How was the concession stand poutine? Did that person you tweeted about possibly dying actually die? You kind of left us hanging on that one.

Linkage:
Alternet: The new Wikileaks release is making waves on the web, but they are not very chill waves. Alternet has 7 revelations from the most recent release. I’m thankful other people are going through the documents so I don’t have to.
NotGaryJBusey: This popular twitter account was suspended today. Now it’s back, I think. The twitter username is NotGaryJBusey instead of GaryJBusey. I’m taking notes because I recently started a fake Sam Elliot twitter account. Side note, follow that account.
The Big Lead: Tim Ryan (TheSportsHernia) c/o The Big Lead had a Leslie Nielsen tribute post that is worth checking out. Airplane was the first movie I ever watched that I audibly laughed at by myself.

Hot looking lady:

The lovely Kate Mara

Hot looking fellow:

The incomparable Danny McBride

I’m out. Sorry this was late, my internet messes up every Monday for some reason. O wait, because I have shitty satellite internet that goes out if there is a cloud bigger than your mom’s snatch in the sky.

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Rubetastic: The Gally Blog NFL Betting Guide: Week 12, Huge Heterosexuals Edition

This is your weekly NFL betting guide written by the rubiest rube of all rubes, Nonpopulist. I have been making my own NFL lines since 2005, and while I am no expert I would rate myself as an above average prognosticator/ handicapper. The Rubetastic post will be a mixture of picking against Vegas lines, insight into why I think a line was set a certain way, what my own lines are and how I came to those lines, overall NFL betting trends I notice, apologies about being completely wrong the prior week, and a disclaimer that the post is all for fun and you assume all risk when betting on the advice of some jackhole on the internet.

Right back up in your mofuggin ass, down south flavor. I’m writing this post on Four Loko so forgive if it messes with your world a lil’ bit. It’s a holiday week, and this will be my second post for The Gally Blog while I have yet to update my own blog so we’ll keep this week short. Let’s look back at last week.

Baltimore -10.5 @ Carolina: RIGHT. Carolina’s in shambles. The Ravens didn’t have far to travel for this game. I knew even as high as this line was it looked good.

Washington @ Tennessee -7: WRONG. Never bet on your favorite team. The Titans are my favorite team. I justify that by saying I didn’t actually bet on my team, but advised it. How was I suppose to know Vince Young was going to be unable to hide

Atlanta -3 @ St. Louis: RIGHT. This line looked low. Atlanta has been considered one of the best teams in the league. Hmmmm… you do the geomotry.

New York Giants +3 @ Philadelphia: WRONG. I guess Philly is for real. New York looks to be on a late season downtrend as their running game can’t even wipe themselves and almost all of their receivers are hurt. Sorry Logic.
Cheerleader and then this week’s picks:

I started reading the book Lay the Favorite by Beth Raymer. The book is a great narrative about sports betting. It’s story-driven, but still includes some great betting information. I’m 60 pages in and I give it the Nonpopulist seal of approval. This week’s picks.

New Orleans -3.5 @ Dallas: Both teams are on a short week. Dallas is bound to be more apt to lose a game after the initial success from changing coaches and players realizing they have to actually play football well in order to keep their jobs. I side with a more established team coaching-wise on a short week. No brainer.

Green Bay +2 @ Atlanta: Atlanta has been mentioned as one of the best teams in the NFL, but Green Bay is better. I like this line. I like it to be a close game, but any line 2.5 or under is a pick ‘em game. I pick Green Bay to win and beat the spread. The Packers have the ability to blow the Falcons out too. They will love playing in a dome in the south and getting a break from the cold as well. The Packer’s defense is lighting up chumps, knocking out suckers, smoking fools, and talking noise about it this year. They’ve fired 2 coaches this year. Respect them.

San Fransisco -1 @ Arizona: This line is money in the bank. The Niners do not have far to travel and have flourished with Troy Smith as quarterback. I like the 49ers in this game a lot. I would put an above average bet on this game.

I’m 21-15-3 on the year in these picks. I’m stepping my game up. Oh, this is the huge heterosexuals edition because my buddy Dan said that earlier, and I thought it was funny. I thought it was funny because we are both huge heterosexuals.

Sexy Disclaimer: This post is intended for entertainment purposes only. You assume all of your own risk when placing a bet either legal or illegal. Neither The Gally Blog nor the author assume any risk for any bets placed on advice or content contained in this post or on this blog.

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Titans Game

And by “laff,” I mean Cockburn! And what an apt scene headed into Thanksgiving American Thanksgiving.

Anyway, hey Tennessee, we won the game of horseshoes! Now you owe us a watermelon! I’m actually halfway impressed with this game. The Skins still suck, but I expected them to roll over the rest of the season like they did for the Eagles and they actually put forth a professional effort befitting a team that was embarrassed by their previous game. Sure, the Skins were helped dramatically by the ineptitude of Vince Young and the way more suckiness of Rusty Smith, but I’ll take it. When an entire bar is chanting the name of Rusty Smith, cheering for him to pass when he’s on offense because they’re A) expecting an interception and B) that means no Chris Johnson, that says something. It’s also nice to not be the team making national headlines for internal turmoil for once. Anyway, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.

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College Football Rivalry Week: The Iron Bowl is PsyOps Level This Year



This picture was tweeted with the comment, "An Auburn fan literally risked their life to get this photograph."



This week is college football rivalry week and, let’s face it, time for everyone to say their team’s particular rivalry game is the most heated, has the most gruesome history, or breaks up the most families. Those are all things worthy of being asserted with puffed-out chests to be sure, but one thing not to be disputed is whoever had the balls to tape a Cam Newton jersey t-shirt to the Bear Bryant statue in Tuscaloosa, take the time to snap a picture, then I’m sure retrieve the Newton shirt (not pictured) needs a medal of fan valor to be pinned on their chest by Lee Corso in yet another cheesy College Gameday powered by the Fart Depot commercial. That’s PsyOps level commandoism right there. After this mission was over the Auburn fan just smelted (get it, Iron?) into the bushes and has since retired to a simple life of gator hunting and cigar smoking in the Louisiana swamp. He goes into town bi-weekly to get supplies, but is very stand-offish. He never lets a smile slip and rarely says anything more than “thank you” as he slowly stalks back to his quiet little corner of the world to wrestle the demons of his past and try to forget the faces in his nightmares.

There are other heated rivalry games, but the Iron Bowl between Alabama and Auburn is certainly one of the most storied. This year’s game will mark the second in a row the game will have national championship implications. That reads like something a college football writer would put in an article, right? *pops collar* There are other meaningful games to be played this week between teams who have hated each other throughout history.
“The Civil War” between Oregon and Oregon St. (mouth fart)
“The Egg Bowl” between Mississippi and Mississippi St. (dismissive wanking motion)
Whatever they call the game between Ohio St. and Miami of Ohio Michigan
Some other regional battles (whatevs)

Those are nice, but if you only watch one rivalry game this week make it the Iron Bowl, Friday on CBS at 1:30 CST. Auburn folks have been bringing the heat this week as far as taunting leading up to the game. Check out this joke that has been tweeted and retweeted by Auburn people: Overheard joke: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Bama.” “Bama who?” “Exactly.” O snap, son. That’s a Bieber-level burn. The only thing worse is if Bama would have been “sacked like a sacker” whatever the freak that means. Alabama people have also come strong with the smack this week. There have been rumblings that the Bama fans have been gathering monopoly money from their home games and plan to make it rain in the stadium at a predetermined time in order to make sport of the Auburn quarterback’s problems with off-the-field money scandals. Well played, Bama fans, but the joke will be on you next time you go to the classic Parker Brothers board game. I did see a funny photoshop some Bama fan made on this thread.

Cam Monopoly money or Camopoly money. That’s strong work.

Also, this post was rather amusing. The Iron Bowl According to Facebook by Chad Gibbs. Should be a good game. I’m sure the Florida-Florida St. game will be riveting as well. Are you sufficiently stirred up yet?

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