The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Mostly lack of caring, though. And ADD.
In keeping up with our tradition of bad writing journalistic integrity over here at The Gally Blog, today I am bringing you my very special edition of the Pill. Without further ado…
Futbol
Robert Enke, Hannover & German Goalkeeper, died of apparent suicide at age 29 by throwing himself under a train. He suffered personal problems after the death of his daughter 3 years ago. I personally think it’s a conspiracy. If Boston has taught us anything, it’s that trains stop for people on train tracks. Just ask this lady…Arsenal Striker Nicklas Bendtner out for up to a month after getting groin surgery. Translation: penile implant. Ladies?!…
- Oh herro, Nicklas...you love me long time??
Bill Bellamy will now be playing with the Man City Squad. See, kiddies? Dreams really do come true…Calum Davenport appears in court for beating up his sister, and getting himself stabbed in the legs. Aren’t you supposed to beat up your siblings? Whatever….Brighton & Hove Albion got a new manager (Since when did Jay-Z buy into a soccer team??): Gus Puyot – a professional poker player that they appointed to manage Brighton. I smell a Pete Rose…and finally, Separated at Birth: Peterborough Striker Aaron McLean & R. Kelly.
- Separated at Birth: Aaron McLean vs. R. Kelly
Except when McLean reaches out to the youth, he probably isn’t peeing on them. I hope.
Dancing With the Stars
Michael Buble performed. This is awesome because he was in one of the greatest movies of all time, Duets. That slutty chick Karina Smirnoff, and some guy that looked like one of Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers danced to his vocal stylings. Which were clearly prerecorded. This was obvious when he held the mic 3 feet away (literally) and his volume never changed. Either that or he has some serious abs, and should probably be dragging a semi trailor or tossing tree stumps somewhere. Whoever that host is, he has abnormally short arms, no neck, and a rather large head. I wonder how that’s working out for him? Aaron Carter is looking a little worse for the wear…must be all those late nights with his girlfriend Crystal rockin’ his world (possibly what lead to him being sent home tonight??). Donny Osmond is complaining about how hard the workout is. You’d think he’d be used to it being Mormon, and all the schtupping he does to get 85 kids. Kelly Osborne is adorable. And holy christ Susan Boyle’s freaky ass is on the show tonight. I wish people would stop trying to convince me that she’s a good singer. Seriously. P.S. whoever this blonde dancer chick is, she does not have proper form. I just watched Step Up 2: The Streets and Blake Collins told me that there should be no curve from the knee to the toe. Tisk-tisk, over-processed-fake-blonde. P.P.S. What makes this legit is that they have Jerry Rice hosting a segment called DanceCenter, wearing some kind of weird wide-collared Saturday Night Fever shirt with a vest. Anyway, they pick Mya to win, which is perfect cuz she is FOINE.
- Her love is like...Wo.
Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? – Celebrity Edition!
Woohoo the resurgence of Drew Lachey!!! Remember him? 98 Degrees? He picked the black kid to help him first, because he’s trying to show how not racist he is. Keep in mind he’s from Ohio – the land of Buckeyes and Bigotry. When I lived in Columbus, I still had Minnesota plates on my car. I came out one day and someone had written “YANKI” in the frost on my windshield. Yes, “YANKI”. How ironic. Drew-boo got the question “What do the letters ‘VHF’ stand for?” Remember the movie UHF with Weird Al Yankovic? AWWEEESSSSSOOOOMMMMMMMEEEEEE! They both got the question wrong, but I bet he totally blamed the kid.
Obsession Revealed: Acorns
I ran across this gem on the OUTDOOR channel – “How to find where the acorns are dropping to increase the chances of bringing in a monster deer.” This show consists of a guy in a deer stand doing some seriously creepy stalker whispering. One time, when I was up north around Longville, Minnesota, my friend and I decided to take his Jeep Grand Cherokee off-roading. We came upon a huge mud pit and chickened out, and decided to walk around instead. I got the bright idea to climb up in a deerstand, and came down covered in ticks (Yes, “covered”. There were 7!). If anyone knows anything about me, it’s that I can’t handle bugs, let alone bugs on my person. I freaked out and jumped around and whimpered a whole bunch, and he laughed at me. Good times. Know what a much more viable option is? Big Buck Hunter at the bar.
Happy Hump Day, y’all. But remember: save the humping for when you get home. As I’ve learned, the boss doesn’t appreciate it when you mess up their desk.
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