Author: Nonpopulist Published: September 12th, 2010
The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the NFC East. These are barely getting any pageviews, but it’s a matter of desire at this point. I need to focus and finish. What I learned for next year: start earlier and don’t try to do all of these by myself.
Why the San Fransisco 49ers will suck this season:
The 49ers have all the looks of a team that will be in an upswing this year. That’s the first warning sign of impending disappointment. Do not trust that instinct. Alex Smith is still as shaky as ever. I have not yet begun to make fun of the people that claim continuity in the offensive coaching staff will help Smith have a good year throwing the ball. Frank Gore is as injury-prone as ever. Mike Singletary has such a sparkling personality that some on the team (Glen Coffee) decided they would be better off serving the Lord. The Niners defensive has some solid talent, but there are still holes. Fortunately for them they play in the NFC West. Prediction 9-7
Why the Seattle Seahawks will suck this season:
New Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll is one of the hottest stories going into the NFL story. He seems bulletproof after tap dancing out of the NCAA violation mess he left at USC. The NFL is a different animal, though, and the last time Carroll was in the NFL he had a rough go of it. This time he has more notoriety and a better reputation despite the fact he left USC’s football program in shreds. “You have at it, Kiffin!” The turnover in personnel since Carroll has taken over should have Seahawks’ fans biting their nails. And the team is one blindside hit on Hasselback away from the beginning of the Charlie Whitehurst era. Carroll sure brings that winning exuberance, though. *mouth fart* Prediction 6-10
Why the Arizona Cardinals will suck this season:
I do not need to pile on to Cardinals’ fans who have already soiled themselves in response to the upcoming season because of the injury to wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald, but I will because I am an asshole. All signs point to Larry Fitzgerald being ready to go, but if he is only at 80% he will not be the Larry Fitzgerald you drafted in the second round of your fantasy draft and not the Larry Fitzgerald the Cardinals need in order for him to impact the offense in the manner in which we have all grown accustomed. The good news for the Cardinals is they finally got rid of Matt Leinart. The bad news for the Cardinals is they are going to start Derek Anderson at quarterback. Therefore the level of Spuds McKenzie partying has suffered a significant downgrade. Head coach Ken Whisenhunt is still convinced he can turn this team into the Pittsburgh Steelers, but he has yet to acquire the personnel needed to make the team as tough as he wants. Prediction 5-11
Why the St. Louis Rams will suck this season:
aklfkjnkeonjfwefwefewofjwoemfowemcomckld mmk sdlmlkjmlkjf. I don’t even have to try. But seriously, rookie quarterback Sam Bradford looked decent in the preseason. My advice to the offensive play caller: call a lot of short passes. The offensive line in St. Louis is porous, and unless they want their new franchise quarterback to go the way of Joey Harrington, Patrick Ramsey, or other quarterbacks who have the skill and awareness knocked out of them because of poor blocking they need to adjust their offense. They lost one of their major offensive weapons for the year already in Donnie Avery. Steven Jackson appears to be somewhat healthy, but with his past I would not count on him for more than 7 games. And the defense, what defense? Prediction 3-13
Whew, that’s over. I enjoyed previewing all 8 NFL divisions. How about you? Do you want to argue about it? I will win.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Mostly lack of caring, though. And my tendency to be bitter about things that don’t go my way.
NFL: The Vikings were on bye this weekend, so I know everyone was super bored and not really interested in any of the games that were on. That is, unless you have Greg Olsen on your fantasy team. I do not, but my opponent this week does. Do you know what that means? It means Greg Olsen has singled-handedly almost ruined my life this week. Do you know why? Because Greg Olsen, the TE from Chicago, scored all 3 of Chicago’s touchdowns yesterday with a total of 5 receptions for 71 yards. Fortunately, they still got stomped by the Cards. Which, by the way, how the hell did that happen? Kurt Warner did a total 180 in a week. He threw for 5 TOUCHDOWNS. FIVE. Two of which were to my boy Fitz (What-What!). Whodathunkit? Anyway, in another miraculous win we had Tampa Bay – rockin’ those sweet unis.
The hotness.
Seriously, those things are dope. Much better than the heinous ones Denver’s been donning. In the Battle of the Bays, Tampa put up 38 to Green’s 28. Green Bay should be embarrassed. Rodgers got sacked 6 times and threw 3 interceptions, one of which was returned for a TD. Say “good bye” to the post season, Green Bay!!! So, Sunday Night Football happened. Which also means Bob Costas happened. Are you kidding me? The guy must’ve attended an asshole convention last week, cuz he would not quit with the dickish questions. That’s right, viewers want to watch/listen to you harp on Romo’s “jaunty cap” for 45 minutes, Bob. Shut up with your mountain lion-looking self, seriously. Whatever. Philly lost to Romo’s “devil-may-care” chapeau, 20-16. The game wasn’t really that great. If you read that article I linked to, they spend a good portion of it talking about last season. Most likely because there was nothing but loads of idiot coming from the Philadelphia sideline as Andy Reid’s Childress Face was showing. #1: Good job on that ridiculous challenge, buddy. You screwed your team out of time outs for the entire 4th quarter. #2: The score is 20-13, and because you’re clearly a math major, you settle for a field goal. Remember a few minutes before that when you wasted a challenge, thus depleting your team’s TOs? Yeah, see you completely set yourself up for the failure you deserved. That is all.
NBA: There were some basketball games yesterday. I kind of feel bad for the NBA on Sundays, because until February, no one cares. There was only one game that appeared to be even remotely competitive: Philadelphia 76ers vs. Detroit Pistons. Guess what? Philly lost. Geez, just a bunch of losers over there in Philly! This season marks the return of Ben Wallace to the Pistons as the big brother mentor-type to Kwame Brown, Jason Maxiell and Chris Wilcox. Apparently he was showing them how it’s done, because he was the team leader in 3 of 5 categories: Rebounds (16), Steals (3), and Blocks (3). He put up 2 points…yay? Boohoo, there’s no one on the 6ers that I care about so I’m not going to talk about it. The Wolves lost again, and their record now sits at 1-6. The ESPN recap (here) cites Blazers Coach Nate McMillan’s fantastical experiment to start 3 guards as ahem blazing the trail to victory. False. The Wolves are terrible. Their record says so. I really, really, really want them to be good. So, boys, I’m pleading with you: STEP IT THE F UP! Good lord.
Soccer (as we yanks call it): The only thing I’m even mildly interested in is that David Beckham has pulled out (heh heh) of the England squad for its match vs. Brasil on Saturday. Apparently, he helped lead the LA Galaxy to a semi-final win over Chivas USA, and they are now headed to the finals against Houston Dynamo on Friday. Beckham is a bit of a soccer slut, as he’s played for Manchester United and Real Madrid, as well as on loan to Milano and Preston North End. But, I mean…he looks like this:
yummers.
So he can be slutty with me if he wants. I wouldn’t mind, I guess. Also, yay America!! Viva Los Angeles!
I hope you all have a great Monday! If there’s anything I can do to make it special, just let me know. For instance, if you’d like a mustache ride from Gally; or if you need to take your frustrations out on someone, gimp knows how to take a beating. Or! If you’d simply like to tickle each other and talk about boys, I’m game for that.
Hey everybody! It’s Sunday night so that means Sunday Night Football. I like liveblogs, so we’re going to have one. Yeah you have to click a link, but for the next week I’ll still be on WordPress and it won’t let me embed the script.
